Just thought I would share this article...

Blocks to Love

Cali

^bump^

Interesting to think about, and he has good points, but his boundaries book is all about being selfish (he says so), and acknowledgeing not being selfish is a bad thing. This book turns around and emphazies not being selfish. He advertently (I suspect he didn't plan the dichotomy) reveals the fundamental issue for any human relationships how to balance taking care of your own needs (selfish orientation) with taking care of others needs (selfless orientation). Both are essential to psychological well-being, finding the balance point is really what all our problems reduce down to I think.

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

LurkingAbout...

I find it difficult to believe that Boundaries is about being "selfish." And, that if it does say that in Boundaries that it has been taken WAY out of CONTEXT.

I believe it is about setting LIMITS on behavior that is harmful to YOU.

I believe it is about OWNERSHIP of your own feelings and problems and YOUR responses and actions in regards to them.

It is about controlling YOURSELF and not others.

It is about love and bearing good fruit.

Cali

I believe it is about setting LIMITS on behavior that is harmful to YOU.

la...that is about as good a definition of selfish as any <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">selfish

\Self"ish\, a. 1. Caring supremely or unduly for one's self; regarding one's own comfort, advantage, etc., in disregard, or at the expense, of those of others.

They judge of things according to their own private appetites and selfish passions. --Cudworth.

In that throng of selfish hearts untrue. --Keble.

2. (Ethics) Believing or teaching that the chief motives of human action are derived from love of self.

Hobbes and the selfish school of philosophers. --Fleming.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boundaries

Boundary \Bound"a*ry\, n.; pl. Boundaries [From Bound a limit; cf. LL. bonnarium piece of land with fixed limits.] That which indicates or fixes a limit or extent, or marks a bound, as of a territory; a bounding or separating line; a real or imaginary limit.

But still his native country lies Beyond the boundaries of the skies. --N. Cotton.

That bright and tranquil stream, the boundary of Louth and Meath. --Macaulay.

Sensation and reflection are the boundaries of our thoughts. --Locke.

Syn: Limit; bound; border; term; termination; barrier; verge; confines; precinct.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Selfish is getting what you want at the EXPENSE of others and is controlling THEM.

Boundaries is setting limits and controlling YOU.

Cali ... setting boundaries is essential to healthy relationships.

Lurking ... read "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch. You are in a fused relationship and without differentiation there will be NO individual recovery (not to mention relationship recovery)

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />