OK, wife has spent the last few days in bed. She's not eating, not really sleeping, she's in a deep depression. This started the day after I spoke with mutual friends about A and talked to OM.

Today she asks me "How could he do this to me? Why couldn't he call and say good bye, F*** You, something?!" Part of me jumped for joy. Not sure if I did the right thing, I told her that shows his true feelings for her, he was using her and stringing her along. I told her that NO CONTACT was the best way for her to get over him. She says if she was trying to fix us she would agree, but she's not, she still wants divorce.

She got mad at me and hung up when I said something about "everything I've read.." She calls back a few minutes later and says she's going to call him and yell at him, wants to know my opinion. I had just gotten done telling her my opinion, NO CONTACT! So, I told her it was her decision, I would not interfere, she needed to do what she needed to do. My intervention would not allow it to run it's course. She got mad at me again saying I was lecturing her.

I'm lost now! What should I do? I have read nothing to really deal with this, any suggestions? Wife still is talking DIVORCE, no reconcilliation, no separation, she wants a divorce, not because of OM, but because of all the other S**T (See the whole story post).

TM -

The best thing to DO is to SAY nothing. Simply make it safe for her to feel her feelings. Right now it is critical that you are there for her to lean on. If you tell her "I told you so" She is just going to retreat. Listen to her. SHE is in REAL pain and she needs an outlet. As hard as it is, you need to be the strong, LOVING, friend that she needs.

This could only be a temporary situation, but it's what YOU do now, that will be in her mind in the weeks to come.

Say NOTHING other than how wonderful she is and how she doesn't deserve to be treated badly. Stroke her EGO. She needs to be loved. No demands, I told you so's, and NO R talk AT ALL!!!!

Kily,
Thank you. That was what I was just thinking. I hope I didn't already screw it up by saying the things I said. Should I ask her if she has talked to him? What they said to each other? I'm dying to know, but if it would be a LB then it's out of the question.

I'm afraid if she did call him he's stroking her ego now, and I'm going to end up looking like the jerk because I talked bad about him....

TM94 -

If she talked with him, you will know by her state of mind.

Do not ask her anything. When you go back to her, apologize for being insensitive to her feelings. Basically, suck it up and ride it out. Tell her that you can't imagine what she is feeling but that you are there for her if she needs to get it off her chest. DO NOT REACT TO ANYTHING SHE SAYS! Try to detach by imagining that she is you CHILD. At this pont and that you are comforting her worst pain. In a way, this is exactly wjat is happening.

This is going to sound weird, but she is going to start getting ENRAGED at you. She will be angry at everything - it's called transference.

Since the OM is not there, she has to direct her pain somewhere, so it will be at the next logical place. She is in NO state of mind to "own" her feelings at this point.

You have to make this the BEST PLAN A that you possibly can.

VENT here! Not at her.

Kily,
O-boy!! I hope I'm strong enough for this. I've had a REAL HARD time the last couple of days because of her anger. Your right on the money! She asks me a question, I answer it and she gets mad, yells and hangs up the phone. Home has been miserable to say the least!

At least now I can focus on something. I will know why she is angry, instead of wondering all the time.

I'll be praying for strength and the Lord to put the words in my mouth, that is if I can take my foot out long enough for him....

Thank you SO MUCH for your advise and help. I felt like I was drowning and had no idea how to swim.

TM

What you are seeing is Withdrawl in the worst way. Pray that it continues.......As severe as it is, this is what's necessary for her to come out of the FOG.

Good Luck, and remember your end goals when you feel like you can't take anymore.

I'll be thinking of you and her.

Kily,
Again, thank you.
UPDATE: I know our phone call yesterday was a major LB. But thanks to a strong Plan A we were able to overcome it. I felt like I was at the end yesterday, she asked me to stop and pick some things up for dinner. She hasn't eaten all week, so I took that as she talked to OM and they worked something out. I don't know, she never said if she talked to him or not, and I didn't ask.

I just wanted to break down and sob last night, but somehow I stayed strong (well as strong as I can be right now) and didn't break down. It paid off! She actually talked to me last night!

She says she will never talk to me about OM again, that's her problem to deal with. I've told her I wish I could help her, and that I'm here as her friend if she needs to talk.

Neither one of us really has anyone else we can talk to right now. She's a very private person, not many friends, and no close friends nearby. I think the only person she confided in was OM.

I'm also a very private person. I have some friends, but OM was supposed to be my best friend, and the only 1 I trusted and confided in. Now I'm trying to deal with both of them leaving me.... I have nobody to talk to and I think that's what is driving me nuts. Wife says talk to other friends, but I just can't allow myself to trust anyone enough to confide in them. Never again; I got the ultimate betrayal X2, I cannot allow that to happen again!

We talked for a long time last night, went to bed and she got up 5 minutes later to go watch TV, she was crying. I was up most of the night, couldn't sleep, she's out on the couch watching TV crying about OM, I'm in bed crying about her.

I got up early this morning for work, she was still up, we talked some more. It was very nice, nothing intimate or relationship wise, just talk.

I'm worried about her. She won't leave the house, she stays in bed all day sleeping and crying, she's up all night crying. She won't eat and she's hurting so much. I'm so afraid for her right now, I wish I could take the pain away and make it better.

TM,

If she is still in bed crying, then this tells me that OM is STILL out of the picture.

Is there any way that you can get some time off from work now? The reason I ask is that it might be a good idea to just take your wife somewhere away from her life, if she would be willing to go. She is going into a VERY severe depression, and she needs time to just CRASH.

Tell her that you WANT for her to talk about OM. Tell her that you know that she is in pain because of him. Tell her that you weren't there for her before, but you are there now......

It sounds to me like you did really good. The next time she goes into the other room like that, give her a few minutes, then go out there! Put your arms around her and tell her how sorry you are for her loss. She will either stiffen up, or ball her eyes out. Either way, you will have made an effect in the positive nurturing direction that she needs.

Kily,
I've tried and she won't go anywhere with me. I even had to call and cancel a ski trip because she refused to go.

I've told her I want her to talk to me about OM, but she just won't. I've asked questions like "What's bothering you so bad? Why are you crying? What's the worst thing about it?" She just won't open up. When I do hit something with a nerve like "You really miss him don't you?" she breaks down bawling and says yes, but nothing more. That's when she clams up and supresses everything.

She did loosen up last night, she allowed me to touch her and hold her hand. She still won't put her head on my shoulder, or lean on me in any way. I did get 2 hugs, but I'm sorry to say I initiated them.

TM -

Keep initiating the HUGS.

Next time she breaks down like that, just sit there with her.

You will have the barrier effect for a long time. She is self protecting.

Just keep trying to love her. It sounds as if you are doing the right things.

Just NO LB's no matter what.

Remember to VENT here!!!

You also might want to ask her if she feels like going to a counselor ALONE to talk about it. Tell her that you care about her, and you just want to help but you don't know how......She needs anti-D's but will be resistive to you "TELLING" her this. Figure out a way of asking her if she thinks she needs them.

She did agree to continue to see our MC as an IC. She likes him and feels comfortable with him. We were supposed to have a meeting together on Monday, I'm pretty sure she'll be going alone.

I thought I had a good avenue last night about the Anti-D. I asked her if she thought I should take them because my IC suggested it. She said yes she thought so, I asked her if she would take them with me. She said the MC didn't recommend them so no, and she wasn't sure if she would anyway.

I'm contimplating calling the MC before the meeting and discussing my concerns. She is extremely depressed and I'm very concerned for her right now. But, would that be a LB? When she found out I talked to her old boss (she really looks up to him) she was IRATE!

TM-

Call the counselor. Explain what has happened and express your concerns. They have a tendancy to respect confidentiality. You might also ask your wife if she would object to making that call first of you feel guilt about doing it.

Just wanted to post an update:

Last Night (Friday) I went out with a couple of friends for a couple of hours. They wanted to cheer me up, and she said she thought it would be a good idea and I needed to go. While I was gone she talked to her mom. I saw a step backward. I think her mom is encourageing her. She only has 1 side of the story, and I'm certian she doesn't know about OM.

This morning she gets home from work and can't fall asleep. We talk for a little while and she makes some comment about she won't talk to me anymore about OM because I can't handle it, and references my "Break Down" the other morning. Now that was interesting! We both have VERY different views of what happened. She says I was a mess when she walked in the door and just started bawling my eyes out. I remember it as her coming in making spiteful and down right MEAN remarks, then feeling guilty and giving me a hug. I will admit, I did cry when she gave me a hug, couldn't help it.

Anyway... we're still talking, she mentions something about being in her "detached" state so she wouldn't bawl her eyes out at work. When she's like this she can be very mean and hurtful and she knows it. She didn't want to come out of her detachment because she knew what was waiting for her, so she kept talking to me despite the exhaustion I could see in her eyes.

I told her I knew she wasn't going to go to sleep with me there, she agreed. Said she didn't want to burden me anymore. I assured her I was here for her, she said she didn't want me and I left the bedroom.

Spent the day cleaning house, (even mopped the kitchen), made dinner and let her sleep all day. Went in to wake her up for work and SURPRISE #1!! She rolled over and layed her head on my legs! She just lay there for about 5 minutes letting me pet her hair until I had to get up to turn off dinner.

Dinner was nice, whole family at the table. Some mild conversation then she got ready for work. On her way out she asked me if I would do a couple of things for her, I said of course, she promised to "Give me some" if I did. I told her I didn't want it until she was ready. Then SURPRISE #2!! She gave me a hug before she left!

Right now I'm feeling pretty good, but I'm so afraid of what's going to happen next. I'm not sure what this is, but it seems to be happening too fast. I'm afraid she's going to turn 180 degrees and I'm going to crash again...

Sorry this was so long folks, but I wanted to get this out there so somebody could analyze it and tell me if I'm going coo coo or what.

TM

Sounds pretty positive to me. I know sweeping and mopping the floor at our house is a major love bank deposit. Good job.

I'm sure the rollercoaster will continue, but at least you are going up some days, where many folks here -- many times no fault of their own -- get stuck at the bottom of the loop because the WS won't work with them.

Keep up the strong Plan A and work hard at restoring a safe environment and making yourself an attractive spouse. But keep your expectations low. Nice report.

TM -

Sounds like things are okay for now. Just proceed with caution. Read the thread that UC started in trandference. It will give you a little more info on what you're dealing with.

I highly caution intamicy right now. If she is willing, I think it's more to give you something she thinks you want, than it is for her. YOu might want to simply hold her instead, and build up to that. YOu can tell her that you don't want her to feel pressured, and that you want it to be a true commitment to rebuilding the "r". THen ASK HER how she feels about this.

The point in doing all of this is that you are MAKING it SAFE for her to heal a little. She needs some down time prior to "jumping in".

Start the dialogue.

Well the other day she said she didn't want to go to MC anymore, but wanted to keep going to him for herself. This AM she said maybe it would be good if I stayed there and told him that I was going to go to another IC instead of him, so I did.

The last 2 days she's been sliding backwards again. I knew this was going to come, it seemed like things were going too fast. She has no desire at all to make it work, she wants out. She said this morning if she had the money she would have been gone yesterday. She said she hates it when I try to talk to her, she feels like I'm trying to control her emotions and manipulate her, she thinks I have a hidden agenda. She can't stand it when I'm near her, not just touching her, but NEAR her. I had to remind her that it's been HER touching ME not the other way around. She says I annoy and irritate her and she can't stand to even be around me.

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. How some of you have went through this for so long is more than I can imagine. She says it's completely over with OM, but I'm sure as soon as she leaves it will blossom again. O-well, if it does it does, nothing I can do about that. Today I feel like I just want to give up.... I'm not sure how long I can keep giving my heart to her so she can squeeze the life out of it before shoving it back down my throat.

TM-

It sounds as if she and he have been in touch. She is back to the fantasy world.

It sounds like you did everything right. Just try and step away for now. Do something nice for yourself.

If you need to cry, do it.

We are here for you.

Kily,
I was afraid of that. I know she hasn't talked to him from home, but she's been coming home about 15 minutes later from work. Could be justified, it has been cold and it might take that long to defrost the car. Or she may be calling him on her way home, or from work. Either way, she swears there has been NO CONTACT, and IT'S OVER. But then again, she lied for so long, and so well I can't let myself believe it.

Right now I feel like I just want to RUN! Too bad it's Monday, I think I need a good night out.... But then again, I know that wouldn't fix anything.

Dear TM

I a can always tell when there as been contact. things (WH acts different, more short, jumpy ect...) very defensive of things that ordinarily don't bother him do. I'm sorry for your pain. I always back way off, when that happens. but im no expert. I'm sorry that it's monday too. sounds like you could really use that ski trip. S

I'm now starting to think there has to have been contact. She isn't depressed anymore, seems more up beat. She still gets a little snappy with me sometimes, but she's just changed. Last night she even initiated sex.... This was after she told MC yesterday morning she couldn't stand me to touch her.... I don't get that one

Her actions could all be justified and I could be paranoid. I haven't gotten that gut feeling yet, and I'm sure she's not contacting him from home. But my mind won't let it go, I just see something different.

School started back up last night, that wasn't fun at all. Now I find myself wondering if she's really at school, or if she's meeting him somewhere. The urge to check up on her is unbelievable, but so far I've been able to control it.