Last night I told him that I could let him go if that was what he wanted...even though I knew in my heart that I could not...and this morning he told me he wanted out...now I have changed my mind...I know that I CANNOT let him go...I love him too much...and I have to fight for him..I know that he has a lot of anger, resentment and pain to deal with, and now guilt (maybe), and me being on him everyday is only pushing him further away...the problem is, he refuses to deal with his anger and resentment towards me...he will not get help..he says he can handle it on his own...but he won't talk about it... and he doesn't want to listen to me talk about my pain and anger over what he did to me...so I asked him for six months. I asked him to wait six months before making a decision and just let me love him completely and unconditionally....(my feelings about what he did being pushed completely aside, maybe I deserved it)... and just to be here and let me love him...and then in six months see how he feels...is that a fair request? I asked him in a letter to him, which he will read when he gets home from work...someone tell me if I am doing the right thing...I am terrified that he will tell me no, and if he tells me yes, I am terrified that I may have a hard time pushing my own feelings to the back burner, and keeping my mouth shut. Anyway...advice?

I also told him that I would not expect from him more than he could readily give, and that I would only ask to talk to him about our relationship once a week just to see how he feels...is that ok too? help...i am just so scared...

First, try not to make statements or actions based on emotion. Emotions tend to move from one extreme to the other usually causing much strife.

Do not say something unless you really mean it and can follow through. Otherwise you come accross as someone not in control. You look weak.

I don't think you did wrong by asking for six months. But, do you think you will have a change of heart at the end of that time? assuming the worst that is?

I urge you to read the link below CarolKH's radical 180. It may give you more insight.

Wishing you the best.

jd

I would suggest pouring over the site and getting your mind wrapped around a firm plan a.
It helps you get your priorities straightened out and gives things a chance to calm down.
Plus when you are focused on learning it seems to take the stress away from what you are going through.
Is there anyway you could post a timeline, like some of us have at the end of our signatures? Maybe that would give a clearer picture of what is happening and we can help better.
Keep posting, don't give up on us. Sometimes things just get hectic and it takes awhile for a response.
Hugs,
Layli

When he told you he 'wanted out' you naturally reacted with fear (who wouldn't in your shoes?) but until his actions match his words, it would probably be wise for you to not treat everything he says to you as the Gospel truth. As the old saying goes 'talk is cheap' and its actions, on both your parts, that will speak the loudest to each other.

I would also like to recommend that you do not 'talk' about the M, and his A, because instead of bringing him closer to you, it will only push him farther away from you instead. Remember that his emotional wounds are still very new and that the healing process has not begun yet. You might just want to concentrate on talking about other things, like the kids, his job or yours, etc. Why not plan a day out with him and the kids? you can use it to have fun and as the first step in building new and better memories to share with him.

Above all else, you have got to develop a lot of patience because the rebuilding of your M is a work that will take a long time to complete, and without patience, it will never become a reality.

Carol, Thank you so much for your story. It does help. I unintentionally did something similar in that I became good friends with a guy who was single and having relationship problems. We were helping each other get through rough times. At no time was it anything more.

I told H about this friend and that he made me laugh and feel good about myself and was giving me EN that H wasn't giving me. Later that week I
I went to the movies with my friend and another guy from work and my H was watching our children. Well the other guy didn't show because his car broke down and he didn't have a cell phone to call us so we went to the movies anyway. Well it was the new Two Towers movie (long) and we didn't get out until late and then I had to get my car (we carpooled).

My husband wakes up out of a dead sleep and calls my cell phone asking where I was. I told him that I was on my way back to my car. He practically pounced on me when I got home and started making comments like you know noone could love you like I could. We had great sex! He later told me that if I hadn't answered the phone he would know that I was sleeping with this guy. This is from the man who was never jealous of me, but was jealous of OW (no trust I think). This made me feel so good.

The OW cheated on H and LB all over the place so it is over now and we are now back together in recovery and he is committed to giving me 100% of the attention/admiration etc.. that he was giving the OW.

I am still somewhat distant in that I don't want him to think that everything is fine and that things can go back to what they were. They can't. I am hopeful that through hard work we will have a fullfilling marriage.

Thanks again for the great insight. It will help others I'm sure.

Barelyholdingon

Cheated,

I think you really do need to get counseling, but I can tell you that you telling how much your hurt for what he did and pushing his face in it won't help. He has been married to you for 14 years. You have been with many men. Told your H and these men that you love them over your H. You have slept with them.
You have accused your H of horrible things.

If there is one thing that might get his attention it would be if you changed 180 degrees. No anger, no outbursts, no physical violence. Just a calm Lady, who takes care of her kids. Does her best to treat him nice and is pleasant to be around.

You never answered my question about how you feel your behavior has affected your children. But, I would definitely like to recommend that before you do anything, ask yourself: How would my children view this behavior I am about to do.

I heard something the other night on TV. It was from Dr. Phil. It might be something for you to consider. He said: "Successful people do, what everyone else are unwilling to do."

If you want to be successful in your marriage, you are going to have to do some things that are very hard for you to do. Things you have been unwilling to do to date. Please think about this as you read about Plan A.

Also understand that it isn't up to you to force your H to deal with his issues. He is the one that must decide to do that. Just as you must address your issues. He cannot help you nor control you. You do your work on yourself, and let him take care of himself. If you are at all successful, you will indeed see his anger and pain. It will come out IF HE EVER FEELS SAFE WITH YOU.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you all for your comments...I am just so very afraid...He is completely indifferent to anything I say or do, and I don't know if I will ever convince him of change no matter how long it takes...he thinks it is all an act to hold on to him...and he has absolutely no love for me...I am terrified that no matter what I do, he will decide he can't get past all the pain, and just say its over...he is very angry with me right now for putting my hands on him, and he doesn't want anything to do with me...however, he will let me pleasure him sexually, if you know what I mean, but he doesn't want to touch me...he will let me hold him, grudgingly, but he will not hold me...I am scared...

Cheated,
First of all on getting responses to your posts, you do have a difficult situation, and something that might help the posters who do post to you, is to reply or acknowledge their posts, so the posters understand how you view what they've suggested.

There are natural consequences to infidelity. When you cheated, you gambled your marriage. You set events in motion, in turn, your H has made his own dishonorable choices as his reaction, multiplying the problems and consequences for both of you.

The thing is, you might have to let your H go. You can't lock him in, you can't restrain him. If he chooses to go, he will go.

It may be the end, it may not.

In offering him the six months you've partially utilized a method in the book TORN ASUNDER by Dave Carder. I think he calls it the 90 day contract. During that time the WS doesn't have contact with the OP and issues are worked through. It's a good book. My H & I tried it during our 2nd reconciliation. We wouldn't truly reconcile for another year, but I did like Carder's ideas.

I know you are scared. But, you can't control the outcome of what your H does. You can only control you. A good Plan A not only keeps you at the point where you can reconcile if your H would also be willing but it will strengthen you as a person, so, even if your marriage doesn't recover, you will.

That probably isn't what you want to hear right now. But I think the best thing you can do with your H is tell him you love him and want to work out your marriage and then, give him the freedom to go. And whether he stays or goes, you do Plan A. And DO NOT get involved with any other men!!!! You need to figure out and fix the things within yourself that led to your part of this situation.

In no way am I invalidating your feelings but you have to remember that they will not get you what you want. Remember that your extremely poor choices in having your A's were the product of your emotions dictating your actions. If you do not learn to control them, they will continue to control you and sabotage all your worthy efforts to rebuild your M, to the detriment of you and the lives of those you love the most. How can you take control of them? By resigning yourself to the truth that there are things you will never will be able to control in this life, and truly accepting it and embracing it in your heart and mind.

You are not alone, we are here to help one another.