Hi, Guys. Haven't posted in a week or so. But I'm having way too many bad days lately. I've been pretty good. Except for one phone call (a crisis and a little too much wine), no lovebusters. During visits (3 or 4 so far) , I'm charming, confident (Pretty much), funny and sweet. So disgustingly good it makes ME sick! But he seems perfectly comfortable with it. Send a letter a week, not romantic, just something entertaining letting him know what's going on in our lives. I only called him that once since he moved our 8/5. MIL has been great. Says he looks forward to the letters. Asks if any have come. Told her he's not filing for divorce or anything, needs a little time to get things straight and decide what he wants to do. Indicates he doesn't want to live in our town anymore, but needs to get daughter and I out of here for our sanity (some weird things going on here). Visit 2 Saturdays ago was fairly nice - a few very encouraging statements that I just let go by - no pressure at all from me. Still hanging out with Sweetie though. Most of his things are still here - clothes and everything. Hard to plan A with little or no communication. But I'm trying. Hardly cry anymore - feel more dead or numb than anything. Doing what I need to do, making plans and proceeding as if he WON'T come back - for my and daughter's sanity. Praying like heck he will, though.<P>Am I doing this right? I read and learn, but I feel like I should be doing more, knowing more. I don't know. Am I being a good plan Aer or a doormat? Waiting IS the name of the game, isn't it? It's the numb that bothers me - the feeling of utter hopelessness. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the way it's supposed to be. But I hate it. I feel like every smile is an act - like living is just an act. I don't even know how he feels. What decisions he's struggling with. I know he thinks I'm strong, beautiful, sweet, loyal, wonderful - at least that's what he tells his Mom, he just doesn't know what he wants to do. Sweetie is not attractive according to family, rude and beligerent, no manners, 19 (finally found out her REAL age - a LOT younger than me), giggles all the time, didn't finish high school (not a crime at all, but H is pretty intelligent),fights, and has a 2-year-old. Nothing makes sense.<P>I think I'm already wearing out. Or maybe it's just a rough spot. I hope so. Any advice guys - I could sure use it. Something to keep going.<P>Thanks,<P>Lori

you are doing a great thing! congratulations and take satisfaction for being brave enough to do what you are doing. i don't really have advice, i'm too messed up myself, don't give up. you sound like a wonderful person-if he is too stupid to notice, surely someone else will.

lostva<BR>I remember being there!!!<BR>You're doing great. You just need an emotional break. Your mind and body are giving you that numbness as a self protection.<BR>When I read your post I remembered something I read early on. When you pray for strength God gives you more to be strong about. That was when I decided to pray for peace and gentleness. I didn't need any more things to be strong about.<BR>Give yourself a break and remember how strong you have been. Do something nice for YOU!!!!!

Thanks, you guys. I wish I could get past this - and that I had more confidence in what I'm trying to do. Seems like my faith in EVERYTHING is shaken these days.<P>Neen - read your profile - I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. Thanks so much for your words of support.<P>WS - I agree with you - no more room to get any stronger!!! Nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Thanks for the words of encouragement. Does that mean this WILL get better? Should I do anything differently?

Yes it will get better. Not as fast as we want but it will get better.<BR>The thing that helped me the most was when I accepted the feelings. I accepted that it would take a long time to heal. I stopped fighting against the feelings.<BR>that's where the peace and gentlenes come in.<BR>Now you have probably seen I don't do a very good job with the gentleness. And H isn't helping much with the peace part.<BR>But I have found more of a comfortableness. Less pain and sadness.<BR>You are doing fine. One day at a time. Do something nice for YOU. Don't forget that part. Talk gently to yourself. Don't lose you.

Hi-I too am not one to be giving advice but from what I can see you are really truly doing very well. It sounds as though you are in a "dead" spot right now. Have you tried walking? I hear that for some it really relieves the stress and also makes them feel good about themselves. also, I posted awhile back about a book called "Things in Life Every Woman Needs To Know" by "Barbara DeAngelis". I saw her on a local show and talk about a positive person. She has it all figured out-I can't wait to get her book. n One thing she said is "work hard at making yourself miserable or work hard at making yourself happy" they both take the same amount of work. Actually I think it takes more effort to make yourself miserable-not that I am good at making myself happy but I know it takes an awful lot of work to be down and out. IMHO it isn't wrong for you to go out and do something that makes YOU happy!! Hang in there-one more thing I try to do-might sound dumb but it does wake me up-I ask myself how things could be worse-and truly they can be much worse almost always. The next thing I know I am feeling sorry for someone in a worse situation than my own <P>HUGS to you and your daughter-you will be fine!!!<P>*heartache*

Hi Lostva -<P>I think you're doing fantastic!!!<P>I might even have a little hint to help you make it through. This comes from being there and needing to emotionally survive while trying to be patient and allow H the time to work things out for himself.<P>Instead of continuing to look at Plan A as some act I had to keep up to make sure H was getting some love units in the old bank, I started thinking about what life would be like when this actually worked and H wanted to come home and be married.<P>What did I want to change so that this time we kept things on track? How was I going to feel towards H? Would I let myself "punish" him by my actions or words because I had accomplished the Plan A goal and now had the time to think about something else?<P>When I asked myself these questions, I decided that I needed POSITIVE and PRODUCTIVE emotions and actions when/if I got to the point of rebuilding.<P>To have that I use this time to work through my anger over the infidelity and my acceptance that it happened and it hurt and I must accept it and recognize the reasons leading up to it. Then and only then could I learn how to change and grow to be aware enough that it won't be something that would ever happen again.<P>So, basically, what I'm saying is that instead of looking at things now as sort of a game to win H back.....think of where you need yourself to be with your emotions and peace of mind so that you don't make both your lives hell when he finally does return.<P>That time has to be one of hope and happiness at the fact that you have both decided to make it work. If you are angry or dwelling in the past - nothing will be able to move forward.<P>Hope this helps to work past the game mode of Plan A at times.<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba

Thank you, everyone. Have to get to work, so don't have much time to talk. Will put all the good advice to good use, though.<P>Patience, Patience Patience. I'm working on it. Don't have too much trouble - most of the time - with no lovebusters - my personality kinda fits the Plan A thing in that respect - don't get angry easily.I think I figured out my problem - at least part of it - last night. I ache to feel joy again, or at least the PROSPECT of joy in the future. That's what I'm missing and what's killing me inside - that's what I can't see. But I'll keep working on it!<P>Thanks again. You guys are always there when I need you. Makes more of a difference than you realize.<P>Lori

Hi, Lori, I want to thank you for starting this thread as I have benefited greatly by your strength and also from the others (loved your post, Sheba). I saw my husband-2-b for the first time since he said he was throwing in the towel last night. I had hopes of a great time to catch up, share our thoughts and lives of the past week then to bid him farewell at the door. He said everything I needed to hear and cupped my face when he kissed me and I caved.<P>I didn't feel badly until this morning (he didn't stay the night). I woke with thoughts of how he cleared everything out of the attic without me knowing, how he answered a woman's personal ad and was going to meet with her, just all the secrets, lies, and betrayels. I felt like a complete idiot. I just don't know how I can believe he is being sincere.<P>I am going to work so hard at being a pillar of strength and following Sheba's advise. I do want to marry the man I fell in love with, but I need this time to decide if I can ever trust him again.<P>I, too, will not pray for strength, just peace and gentleness!! Thank you!<P>God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>