Forgive me, but this comes to mind reading this thread:

If you keep the cat fed at home, it doesn't have to go picking in the garbage.

Hey everybody - I returned last night from a short get away with my H. I am overwhelmed at the responses I have received. I have yet had time to sit and read them all but I am looking forward to the chance to do that.

Yes, I have confronted the OW - I knocked on her door one day -- that story tonight when I have time to tell.

Thanks again, I never expected MB to be so supportive.

My H's OW began with telling him he needed to come home and talk to me...that she didn't want to be the reason he left his wife and kids...and then after a week or so she'd ask why he was so quiet and when he'd tell her he was thinking how what they were doing was so very wrong and he was thinking about me and his kids, she'd tell him, "then don't think about them"
Now, shes making threats to him and I. She's a true mental case. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I feel that a major weakness of the Emotional Needs approach is that it depends on the individual to know what their ENs are, and I feel that many WSs don't know themselves well enough to know what they Really, Really want. So a WS may believe themselves to be a good person who wants a happy family life, a kind spouse, etc., but be oblivious to their real - and less worthy -needs. To acknowledge a need for, say, flattery, is to acknowledge things about their own character that they would rather deny. It's only when they encounter someone who happens to fill those needs that they may think 'Ooh, why doesn't my S do that for me? Now I come to think of it, I'm not getting my needs met at home. Now, what was that attractive woman's phone number...?" A spouse is not (usually!) a psychiatrist, and can't fulfil needs that are not expressed or acknowledged.

Also, there has to be some evaluation of whether an EN is valid. For example, if a man has a need to have the intense, focused attention of his wife at all times, this clearly cannot be fulfilled once small children come into the picture. Given that he may want a family, does this mean that he is entitled to go outside the marriage to get the intense, focused attention that is the basis of affairs? Or does it mean that he should look into himself, and ask himself if he still has some maturing to do, and work on it?

An affair is, above all, an act of selfishness. The question of why the perpetrator needs to be selfish, and allows themselves to act selfishly, ought surely to be addressed as a matter of course?

I had an intense 2-month EA,preceded by a 2-year on-line friendship. And yes, I thought about his W and his kids,and felt terrible about what I was doing to them. I even at one point wrote the OM a long e-mail trying to break off the relationship. Among the many reasons I gave were the fact that his wife did not deserve this,and that his wife and children needed him.

Even in the midst of the EA, I would often tell him how terrible I felt about that.

I know,you're thinking,"Obviously not terrible enough to end it for good." You're right. I was selfish and wrong. The great feelings I was getting out of the relationship outweighed everything else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have apologized sincerely to his W,both over the phone and by e-mail. I deeply regret the pain I caused her. She really is a good person,and I pray that they will be able to restore their marriage completely...they seem to be well on their way.

If you keep the cat fed at home, it doesn't have to go picking in the garbage.[/QB][/QUOTE]

Worthatry, I'm not sure what you meant by this but I think I need to be offended. This makes me angry to think that just because a WS thinks his or her needs are not met that having an A is justified. Well what about all of the BS's out there that were not having THEIR needs met? My M was not one that had problems. Yes, we might not have had the time with 3 teenagers to fulfill every need. My morning starts at 4:30 and ends late. We just did not make the time for each other. My H claims that his OW showed him attention and that it made him feel like a "SUPERMODEL". That wasn't a good enough answer to me. My response was "You weren't showering me with attention or affection and I did not need to seek OM to make me feel better." I think that is a cop-out. He had an A because he wanted to, it had noting to do with me, I can see that now.

Ladylou, I think that I can learn alot from you, thanks.

Now on to my story: Yes I was so obsessed with the OW that after 2 weeks from D-day I did call her. She was recovering from surgery and on pain medication so I did not get much out of her. She said my H "Was living in a fantasy world". When I found out about her she was on a medical leave from work (She is a Co-worker of my H). I was told she would be gone for 6 months. The first day back from our vacation in July (After I discovered that I had Herpes for sure) my husband returned to work. He called me and told me that she had returned (6 weeks not months), he was not expecting that. When she walked in, he said he was physically ill and had to leave the room. This made her furious. She then returned to her office and called my H. She pretended to be concerned for my physical wellbeing. My H told her that he would not discuss me with her and that if she had questions she should call me. This made her even more furious. She denied that she had any STD and that he must have gotten it elsewhere.

While listening to him tell this my mind went crazy, I jumped in my car and proceeded to her house (Out of Town). When I drove up I was scared to death but I took the plunge and knocked on the door. She was NOTHING what I expected. I knew then that this WAS a sexual affair only. We talked for about 1 1/2 hours, mostly her. I never raised my voice, called her names, or told her that I knew that I had herpes. I did not think that she should know. I told her the tests were negative. She apologized, cried and carried on to the point that I left feeling that she had been betrayed not me. I am such a softie!!!! I did tell her that not only did she invade my life but my innocent children's as well. (They do not know about the A).

After months of breakouts and panic attacks and thinking I was going to loose my mind, the madder I would get at letting her off the hook like that. I would never be the same b/c of her and my H. My H has heard and tolerated so much of my carring on that I felt it was only fair to let her know what she has done to me also. Christmas Eve I mailed a letter explaining all of my feelings to her and telling her about the herpes and that with the New Year I was closing the chapter of my life that included her. I not sure if she even read the letter but I do feel much better knowing that she might have.

Worthatry, I'm not sure what you meant by this but I think I need to be offended. This makes me angry to think that just because a WS thinks his or her needs are not met that having an A is justified. Well what about all of the BS's out there that were not having THEIR needs met? My M was not one that had problems. Yes, we might not have had the time with 3 teenagers to fulfill every need. My morning starts at 4:30 and ends late. We just did not make the time for each other. My H claims that his OW showed him attention and that it made him feel like a "SUPERMODEL". That wasn't a good enough answer to me. My response was "You weren't showering me with attention or affection and I did not need to seek OM to make me feel better." I think that is a cop-out. He had an A because he wanted to, it had noting to do with me, I can see that now.

Ladylou, I think that I can learn alot from you, thanks.

Now on to my story: Yes I was so obsessed with the OW that after 2 weeks from D-day I did call her. She was recovering from surgery and on pain medication so I did not get much out of her. She said my H "Was living in a fantasy world". When I found out about her she was on a medical leave from work (She is a Co-worker of my H). I was told she would be gone for 6 months. The first day back from our vacation in July (After I discovered that I had Herpes for sure) my husband returned to work. He called me and told me that she had returned (6 weeks not months), he was not expecting that. When she walked in, he said he was physically ill and had to leave the room. This made her furious. She then returned to her office and called my H. She pretended to be concerned for my physical wellbeing. My H told her that he would not discuss me with her and that if she had questions she should call me. This made her even more furious. She denied that she had any STD and that he must have gotten it elsewhere.

While listening to him tell this my mind went crazy, I jumped in my car and proceeded to her house (Out of Town). When I drove up I was scared to death but I took the plunge and knocked on the door. She was NOTHING what I expected. I knew then that this WAS a sexual affair only. We talked for about 1 1/2 hours, mostly her. I never raised my voice, called her names, or told her that I knew that I had herpes. I did not think that she should know. I told her the tests were negative. She apologized, cried and carried on to the point that I left feeling that she had been betrayed not me. I am such a softie!!!! I did tell her that not only did she invade my life but my innocent children's as well. (They do not know about the A).

After months of breakouts and panic attacks and thinking I was going to loose my mind, the madder I would get at letting her off the hook like that. I would never be the same b/c of her and my H. My H has heard and tolerated so much of my carring on that I felt it was only fair to let her know what she has done to me also. Christmas Eve I mailed a letter explaining all of my feelings to her and telling her about the herpes and that with the New Year I was closing the chapter of my life that included her. I not sure if she even read the letter but I do feel much better knowing that she might have.

Sorry everybody, I'm new to this!!

Togetheralone,
I liked your post...very much and thought I would tell you so,

Neesha

Thank you for that affirmation. Its nice to think someone thinks well of me! It is nearly 2am here in the UK, and I have to be up at 6am to go to work, but here I am...six months after d-day, WH felt the need today to drop a Christmas card at the flat where he and OW trysted (and where she lives for part of the week), and to respond to her voice-mail. He can't quite give her up...despite all the rebuilding we have done, I have to assume that I am not quite enough. At least he was honest, but as I pointed out, I shouldn't have to be grateful for that honesty...in a healthy marriage, honesty ought to be a given.

I am going upstairs to sleep (yet again) in the spare bedroom. He offered to let me have the big bed, so he must be feeling really guilty. He has admitted that the problem in our marriage is him - that I am being asked to cope with more than any human being could reasonably be expected to deal with, and that he needs to get himself sorted out. His solution?...to move out, ie escape from the problem.

Tonight I am thinking lawyers...bad night...too much gin.

Livingalone, I liked your post as well. I think you had some very true and very real points that aren't acknowledged enough or dealt with enough. After all, can fulfilling all the EN in the world cure someone of selfishness? I don't think so. And as for your comment about you not being enough, you know and we all know that the one who is not enough is him, NOT you.

KS41--

I was really disturbed when I read your response to my post. This has been the most horrible, hurtful, humilating, etc... experience I have gone through. The thought of having an A with a MM would be last think I would do. I would never wish this pain on ANYONE!!! not even my H. I have heard so much about revenge A's even my counselor warned me against this. The thought did cross my mind (Since I do not know what it is like to be with anyone else) but I would never inflict the pain that I have endured on him no matter what he has done to me.

Anyway, enough of that. Do yau'll think I was wrong in sending the letter. I did wait to send it on Christmas Eve so the OW wouldn't get it until after Christmas. Like I said before, I have been the one feeling guilty, I wanted to run back to the post office and retrieve the letter before it left, but the anger in me won!!

By the way today is like an anniversary that probably I am the only one thinking of. This is the day that the A ended 1 year ago.

Me 37 FWH 37
3 children D 18 twin boys 15
D-day May 27, 2002
Working hard on recovery
Don't know about plan A or B (Suggestions would be helpful)