Cheatedandregretit, No,you definately are not boring.You are a hard case to respond to as there is a mirage of problems to respond to. It is sad that you are having so many problems and I am truly sorry that you had such a terrible childhood. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> You did not deserve the things you describe from you childhood.We are all born deserving to be loved,nurtured,taught,protected,cared for and disciplined with love and concern.It is never a child's fault that it is not given. The abused child often grows into an adult with an injured inner child who acts out in the way you say that have.Have you ever felt like you become someone else when you have acted out in so much anger and verbal abuse? Have you been extremely remorseful for your outbursts,promising that you will never do it again, yet felt you had no control over them?
My main and best advice to you is coming from my heart...you need professional help. NOW. Without it,you will not know how to cope or work with the situation you are facing.The advice about the "tools" that you need is right.You will find them in therapy.This is not a put down but a genuine concern.
Abuse in childhood can lead to some serious behavior and mental problems. Often there are chemical imbalances that will cause certain types of behavior and can be corrected with meds and therapy.There are coping and survival mechanisms that are learned during the years of sexual,physical and verbal abuse that can follow you into adulthood.You are very honest about your improper behavior in your posts and that is a good beginning.You can find help with medication and therapy.You even speak of your compassion for the way you treated your H.Now it is about you and it hurts,it is scary and it is worse on this side of the pain. Placing poison in a vial is no where near as destructive as taking it.You admit you administered a lot of poison to your H and now you are having to take it yourself.
Angry,mean words are like hammering a nail in a board.You can say you are sorry(removing the nail) but the damage,the hole or scar is still there. I take this a step farther and say that the holes can be repaired with enough filler(proper restitution,love,persistance and tools for functional,healthy recovery)It must be difficult to know that you have caused as much hurt as you are feeling.Double pain.
The thing your H said about loving you but not being in love with you,is the same thing you said,in one of your earlier posts,that you told him at one time. It is a very common thing that WS's say to help justify their A and sometimes it IS true when there has been a lot of LBing going on for a long time.It can be fixed and the "in love" renewed. There is a book by Dr James Dobson,LOVE MUST BE TOUGH.It is a WONDERFUL book on helping after an A as well as a great marital guide.There are also some of THE best articles on this site to help you know how to handle things that you will find anywhere.
One of my favorite sayings is by Joyce Meyers.
"You can chose to be pitiful or you can chose to be powerful." I am working on the powerful part.You cannot control anyone's behavior,decisions or life but your own.As much as we would like to be able to say or do something "magical" that will make everything all right and all of the bad go away,there is no such reality. You have been in emotional turbulance long enough,don't you agree? There is no shame in needing help.The only shame is needing it and not getting it so start right now and find a therapist,or someone in a professional practice to help you find control of your emotions and your life.
You are worth saving.Don't wait any longer,with or without your H.Everyone deserves peace in their life.I pray that you will take the needed steps to find it.
