this is along story but I need to know if my wife is sincere about working it out.

Starting back in the early fall my wife was talking about her manager to me quiet a bit, basically how built he was. About the same time, she got a new cell phone. Mind you it was her cell phone. She all so started to talk about our relationship to people in work, esp. this guy. Mostly all the problems with us Before I knew it, I was starting to question her friendship with him, as usual she denied it and made me look like the jerk for even thinking she was having an emotional affair. She all said I was controlling her. So I did not question ever again, though I was uneasy about it and had a gut feeling about it. Around mid OCitober, she introduced me to this guy and his live in girl friend. We wnet out 3-4 times as couples and even had them over for dinner. Once my wife showed me the pinch markes they gave each other. Needless to say I was shocked to disbelief. I asked her again and agian she denied and was mad at me.
Sometime in November my wife became sexually withdrawn from me she started to showed me her vibrator she bought and some g-strings as well. All so the cellphone bill and other bills started to disappear, mysteriously. During mid November, this guy was always calling our house, everytime I answer the phone he talked to him, little did I realize he was playing me and was really calling for my wife. At this point, I was really concerned and told my wife that this guy is calling for somthing and again we fought about a possible affair. during this time I was practically doing my wife's college take home final while she was out with this guy and a bunch of co -workers. Then on D-Day, he called agan, though I did not know who it was. So my wife said she had to go out and talk to his girlfriend because she was upset, but it was really him. I said no because I was really sick with the flu and I told her I appricate it if she stayed with me. ten mintutes latter she spilled her gut and told me everything. Basically, I told her she has to leave and stay with her mom for a few days. It was heart wrenching to do this. While she was away, I combed the house and found a lot of things. I vibrator under our bed, pictures of this guy, the missing bills, credit card.
I all so viewed the call log of the cell phone and saw hundreds of calls coming and going to this guy. I forced my wife to quiet her job and her manager lost his as well. I was right all along but was forced to accept everything. Since then my wife and I agreed to work things out. She told me that she was feeling negeleted by me emotionally and found a friendship in this guy. I admit I created the enviroment for a affair to happen but I stop there. I bought her a book to read about affair and we are starting counsoling next week and getting STD's tested. I sense she is really sorry and want to really work hard at fixing her mistakes and promises me never again.

Is this sincere or am I being suckered into it again. The saying cheat on me once shame on you cheat on me twice shame on me.
Should I keep her one a short leash or not. I told her we need to write this guy a letter to tell him to leave us alone and the hurt he half caused.
I am so confused!!!!

Hello and welcome,
It sounds as though you two are in the right place to start rebuilding. It will obviously take some time for her to rebuild that trust but she is willing to try. I think a no contact letter is a great idea. I also think if you guys apply the principals here you can make it work.
It sounds almost exactly like how my husbands A started. I really suggest reading surviving the affair. I would also start working on the questionaires. You have half the battle won just by her being willing to try.
You married her because you loved her. Don't give up. I would also recommend Getting the love you want, by Harville Hendricks. Good book.
Now is the time to really work on communicating your needs and changing what contributed to the affair.
Keep posting here, lot's of smart people with a lot of good advice.
Hugs,
Layli

Yes, she is worth it. Are you?

If everything you say is accurate, there are a lot of guys on this forum who would KILL to be in your shoes. Seriously.

Get into counseling pronto.

I strongly suggest you cease the "make her" "force her" stuff. Could be that this controlling type nature was instrumental in her decision to have an affair to begin with. Understand?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>there are a lot of guys on this forum who would KILL to be in your shoes. Seriously.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT is right. I am one of those who would love nothing more than my W being sorry and being with me. I will say though, be careful, because my W told me back in May she was going to work on our M but yet e-mailed, called and resumed her communication with him during this time.

My W also said I controlled her. To this day she still says it even though we are 1500 miles apart. But are they worth it? Of course they are, why did we marry them in the first place? I really believe in this fog. I have never, ever seen my W hate another human being or treat another person as bad as she is currently treating me. This is a woman who, according to her and her family, has the best interest of our S in mind and yet I haven't been able to talk to him since Monday because she got upset at me and so she turned her cell phone off. Why does he have to pay for our problems?

Frank, hang in there, go to counseling, read about emotional needs and meeting them. Read about recovery and be patient. The real work begins now for the two of you. I wish I was where you are.

Be well and keep strong.

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Is she worth it? only her subsequent actions will say for sure. BUT be very careful in letting your own emotions dictate your actions because they usually tend to come back later and bite you in the [censored] (remember that her A was a product of this).

You could take the view that you are being given an opportunity to correct mistakes from your side of the M that contributed to the environment favorable for her A to occur.

Even if the worst comes to pass and your M ends, isn't it better to say that you gave it your best by educating yourself and putting into practice principles that will improve (NOT ELIMINATE) the odds that any of you will have another A, AND that you will have the M you had when you just got married? Isn't it worth it for your own future peace of mind?

Peace be with you.