Just wondering if my husband qualifies as a batterer? I am trying to recover from surgery from the incident that my husband pulled and dragged me by my bad arm, and tore my rotator cuff. I had surgery, in Middle of Oct. Still recovering, and might have to have another surgery. Would a compassionate man, be there for you, ask to massage your back or something to help the pain? Or is this just to much to ask? Or does a batterer just not care, and walk away? This is the first time he really hurt me. During his affair, he struck me twice, once on the hand, and once outside, he pushed me so hard on the ground, that it did hurt my right arm. He just got in his van and drove off.

Like today, I told him that my shoulder is hurting, but I will not call him anymore, I will not talk to him unless he asks. I will not give him any info. unless he asks. Because, I am sick of being here by myself. Hurting by myself, and him not caring. When I told him I might have to have surgery again, he yelled at me, and got mad. Where was the holding and compassion, I hate him.

He didn't have to suffer the pain since April, the pain of surgery, the pain after surgery, and now the pain I am suffering cause the shoulder is not moving well. He can go to the gym, do anything, work, read, walk around, everything without pain. He doesn't care that I can't do anything without pain.

So what makes a man a batterer? Because I loved this man, and still love him. But I am so confused, and just can't do this anymore.

Hi Faith--

If you're asking if you're husband is a batterer, the answer is a resounding YES! He did things to intentionally cause you physical harm (not to mention the emotional pain.

My ex-husband was a wife beater (probably still is--he's now with wife #4). I know exactly where you're coming from when you say that you still love him. After I left the ex, I felt like I had been in a fog the whole time we were together, like he had done something to my mind. I can't believe I let him put me through that hell. NOBODY should suffer through the physical and emotional pain of an abusive spouse (yes there are women that do it too). I sometimes wonder if the emotional effects will ever go away. For instance, something triggered me just last week. It will be 5 yrs. this August since I left the jerk, and I still have issues.

Please, for your own physical and emotional health, DO NOT STAY IN A POSITION THAT ALLOWS HIM TO DO THIS TO YOU. I cannot stress it enough.

You can email me if you want to
ltlbirdie@webtv.net

My uneductated guess is that yes, he is. Otherwise you never would have been physically injured at his hands, end of story.

I want to give you the name of a book I just started reading, that's about men who abuse women (emotionally and physically). I find it very informative, and almost eerie at times. So much of it describes the way my H treats me (emotionally, not physically) to a T. Maybe it will help you as well.

It's called "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

JB

I guess my question would be: why would you WANT a batterer to massage your arm? Why would you WANT a violent wifebeater ANYWHERE NEAR YOU? Why would you let him NEAR your children?

I think you should change your locks, buy a .357, and get a restraining order to protect against him. What about trained pitbulls? Can you handle a gun?

You never know when he will erupt in violence again so you have a responsibility to protect you and your children from this batterer! Not only would I arm myself in defense of this violent man, but I would vigorously pursue a divorce.

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

<<<Just wondering if my husband qualifies as a batterer?>>>

Yes. No question. Both emotionally and physically.

I might get flamed for ths but it's how I feel. Yeah your H sounds like a batterer but you are being battered worse by someone else~yourself.
This guy supposedly hurt you bad emough to cause you to have surgery and you want him to massage your arm?
This guy supposedly canceled your insurance and won't pay your bills and you want to ask him to go to a movie?
This guy abandoned you and you want to feed him dinner and make him happy?
HELLO?!?!?!
You are your own worst enemy. Why do you keep thinking you can peel the rotten skinging skin off this fruit and find sweet freshness inside?
Here's your first clue~it ain't going to happen!

Faith, I have a question for you. What did you tell the doctors who examined your arm? Because if you told them H did this to you, they are required to report it to the police! So I'm thinking you made up some other excuse?
He can be held liable for all your medical bills. And a restraining order can be put in place, If he breaks it, he goes to jail. I really can hear your thinking that you don't want him to go to jail. Well, that would be the best place for him because it will teach him the consequences of his abuse.
YES! He is a batterer. And it most likely is learned behavior from his past, father, etc. family somewhere in growing up.
And it will turn on your children also. You need to make sure that the injury is reported that he did. Because if you do have to defend yourself, it's called justifiable self defense! And I'd want it on the records to protect myself.
don't let him get away with this. Report, report! The consequences are due to his actions when he's cooling his heels in a jail cell!He will continue, because you have allowed him to get away with it.
LouLou

Ladylou,
It is my understanding that the police did come when this happened but I can't remember what happened.

Faith, what was the charge against SNL for this beating? When will he be going to prison?

Would a compassionate man, be there for you, ask to massage your back or something to help the pain?

my husband pulled and dragged me by my bad arm, and tore my rotator cuff.

Well....he did pull and drag your arm...but I guess that doesn't a massage make..huh?

Do you realize that everytime you want some type of affectionate overture from him, that you are actually minimizing what he did to you?? You are actually saying that it is ok that he did that to you.

Yet, every chance that you get you want to throw it up in his face that he did this to you???

You need to either FORGET that he did that and beg and plead with him to return (can anything sound so absurd)...or you need to REMOVE yourself completely from him. You cannot continue to be righteously indignant over it when he isn't doing what you want him to do. The only way that you are allowed to carry that injustice done to you is when you are doing something about it. (That meaning legal measures being taken).

You think that he should show you compassion because he did that to you...well, you are looking for compassion that is not there. You are using that injury improperly..you are using it as emotional blackmail. You are not using it in the proper manner...such as "You are going to pay for this injury you did to me. You are going to jail and you are going to assume ALL medical bills"!!

Instead it is.."You did this to me, now you have to massage it..do this for me....do that for me..show me Love...show me compassion...show me caring..." He doesn't CARE that he did that to you. Why would he care about the aftermath?

This is incredulous! You WANT him around you!?!?

Why would you want him to touch you in any manner?? I would be concerned that the next place his hands would be, would be around my neck.

You either let it go completely and not continue to try to make him pay emotionally or you make sure that the next time you complain about the pain and the surgery it is because you are taking legal action.

IMO you cannot complain about the physical injury done to you when you are actively pursuing a life with him. IMO, that is telling him that you forgive him for doing it. Evidently you are willing to overlook it because you want him back in your life .

It will happen again. I see from your post that it had happened twice before this time. You must have minimized those incidences also. There is NO reason for him to have put his hands on you in anger...NONE.

Please, don't make this incident ok as long as he shows compassion toward you.

As Always, JMHO
committed

Adding another point...

Faith...

By wanting "compassion" from him, you are wanting the true cycle of abuse.

1st stage.... He abuses You
2nd stage.... He shows remorse and is sorry
3rd stage.... You forgive him and your life WITH him continues...

UNTIL....

He abuses you again...
and he shows remorse again...
and you forgive him again...
and your life with him continues...until...

This is the abuse cycle..see a pattern?

He has abused you...and you are waiting for the remorse stage...and he has none!

committed

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

Hi Faith4me,

IMHO, this is the start of your next downward spiral--and it is totally in your control how far you go down before starting the climb back up. I hope it is right away but I will respect your right to make that decision for yourself and will not hassle you if it's not the choice I really, really, really want you to make. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

To answer your question "What makes a husband a batterer?"----It doesn't matter!

Since this is about you, your views, your feelings, your healing, your etc----I think the better question is "Am I a battered wife, and if I am one what can I start doing about it?"

Faith4me, I really, really, really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> hope that you end this thread and either continue the insurance thread or start another new one that is about you.

But remember to take the good stuff from this thread with you ok? It was probably very hard for you to read but remember that our issues that are the hardest for us to face and deal with are also the issues that bring us the most healing and the most joy!!!

Take care Faith4me

Y

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

There is a police report. Just I don't see him as an abuser, but like my counselors said, it takes only one time to hurt his wife, and he is classified as an abuser.

The problem, is that we have no health insurance. And if I am going to need surgery again, this is going to be extensive surgery. Was told, they may cut the shoulder open instead of doing the scope surgery. I have so many scars from surgery, I am tired of being a scared woman. And this is going to be an ugly scar that is going to be hard to conceal. I already have an ugly big scar on my R arm.

I am requesting that SNL go to anger management. That is one of the deals with the settlement on Friday. I feel SNL needs anger management, and would be good for him to go. I would like to go to, but I am getting anger management with my counseling with 2 people.

SNL is a good man, has psychological problems, and I feel we could of had a good marriage. I am leaving this up to God, and I have to give this to God, cause I am totally stressed out. My shoulder has been in pain today, and I am really down.

Will post in the morning about me again. I see what you mean, I spiral down, everytime I talk about SNL. So this is a pattern. I am not trying to hold him, just would like some compassion, but he is unable to give me compassion. More of the conrol thing.

Good night everyone. Will talk about what happened tonight, in the morining. Drugs are getting in the system, and I am going to go with the flow. Goodnight.

Quote:SNL is a good man, has psychological problems, and I feel we could of had a good marriage. I am leaving this up to God, and I have to give this to God, cause I am totally stressed out. My shoulder has been in pain today, and I am really down.

Faith, God speaks through us all, you ever hear of that saying? You ever think you are not listening to God? So much has been said to you but you don't want to listen to God speaking. You want to go on with this and it's not going to get easier until you quit enabling him to justify his actions and that's what you do for him. You feed into his weaknesses and he feeds into yours. Will it stop??????? NO.....not until:
1) You decide
2) You sustain another injury that will result in the same behavior
3) He gets so angry that he crosses a barrier psychologically where he can't turn back and one of you end up dead.

I could list more Faith, but it will not do you any good because your as caught up in your life that you will risk anything.... That is trully the heartwrenching point of this post.

I won't apologize for what I wrote, and I am thankful others wrote what they did, because it does show me God is there speaking when we choose to listen........

You already know that he is abusive. Both physically and emotionally. Or you wouldn't have needed to ask the question.

Of course, he doesn't want to be reminded of his actions...hence, he has no compassion, no feelings of true remorse. Anytime you bring up your pain or your fears about surgery, he feels that you're throwing his bad deeds once again in his face. So...he gets mad. He might actually have to face the fact of what type of man he is otherwise.

I can understand that you love him. I too, loved an abusive man. But, once free of the abuse and the man, I was able to see just how unhealthy a love I held for him. It was exactly as committedandlovingit posted. The abuse then the sorrow and empty promises and the honeymoon period until the next time. This type of love is full of highs which are oh sooo very high and good and lows which are so damaging. There are few if any in-betweens in which to find security, peace, calm and safety. There is no room for growth as an individual or as a couple.

You need to find the strength and courage to set yourself free. You've been in this prision too long. jmho

Hi Faith4me,

This is a copy of a suggestion I posted to you on Dec 25 (pain and depression thread). Would you consider trying it for a week or so and then evaluating whether it helps you or not?

From Dec 25:
I want you to do this for yourself now and EVERY time you feel upset about what snl is doing or not doing:

1) pray for guidance in what to do to change your participation in the current situation

2) ask God to give snl what he needs (what God knows snl needs, not what you think snl needs)

End your prayer with Thy Will Be Done.

Remember this post from Pepper on Jan 11 (insurance thread)?
"Today is for ME and getting things done."

HOLY SMOKE you sound W*O*N*D*E*R*F*U*L

APPLAUSE****

STANDING OVATION****



Happy for you ..... YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pep

Take care Faith4me

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: YetAgain ]</small>

I am trying to put an end to the label abuser. Have been dealing with this, and one of the things that I have been writing in my journal. I didn't marry an abuser, I didn't marry a man that would break vows. I don't want to write down that my husband is an abuser. Emotionally or physically. It hurts my heart to do this. But I did last night. It hurt and I cried. I am leaving this up to God. I know that I did't put his hands on me and physically hurt me. I know that I did go into his living quarters. So I just have to get through this all. He has come here many times stating he can come over anytime he wants. That is emotional abuse. I am giving this to God. He has been civilized in the last month, or so, and been calling to say he is coming over. Not 100%, but doing better. I appreciate that respect, and can welcome him here. Sometimes, I just go to my room, and wait till he is gone. That is my decision.

Yes, my WH needs to get into anger management. He has a short term fuse. His father had problems with anger all his life. Talked tohis mother and she did for a long time, and finally asked God to help her. I feel my husband knows that he has a problem, but doesn't want to admit that he needs help. But that is his decision to get help.

I do love my husband, care about him, and see a sad lonely man. This is not what I want for him. Yes, he did physically abuse me, so yes he is a batterer. I have to admit this to myself. He is also a caring man, right now he is so confused and feeling like the world is after him. But he has to give this all to God, and have God help him become a better person.

I love you SNL, and I am sorry for the pain that you are experiencing.

End of this thread. Thank you all. Faith4me