My wife moved back to Austin Dec 27th. She transfered to UT to finish her last semster. The OM once he found out she had lied about not being married dumped her..

Anyway she calls everyday to talk mainly to me. She say she left because her friends know what she has done, and she can't face them. If you ask me it's too much pride there...

I e-mailed and asked a few questions. Remeber just 2 to 3 months ago she said had no feelings what so every for me. Its over between us she told me again and again.. We should never married, we have all heard this before...

This is from me:

Having fun yet?
>
>Boy its blast over here, and cold.... Did you get anything accomplished with your paper? I hope so...
>
>I have few questions to ask... I'm not tying to put pressure on you or anything... just want to clear some fog maybe.
>
>Are you happy with the way things are?
>
>Do have loving feels for me?
>
>Do respect me as man and husband?
>
>Do miss me as friend or as partner?
>
>Despite how it looks I think of you a lot, but I know don't want our old marriage back... I feel we can have something better..
>


Her answer:
I don't know how much fog I'm going to be able to lift here because I don't know all the answers to your questions but I'll try and answer them as best I can.

No, I'm not happy with the way things are. I am very scared right now. There is a part of me that wants to be single but there's another part that can't imagine not having you in my life. The fact that I am 1500 miles away from the kids tears me up. I miss them so much.

Yes, I have loving feelings for you and I miss you as a friend and as a partner but I don't know if that translates into what it takes to make a marriage work. That's why I've been telling you not to sit around waiting for me to figure things out. Go on with your life. I need time to figure out who I am and I don't expect you to put your life on hold while I try and figure mine out. And I do respect you. More than you know

Well I know that didn't clear anything up and I'm sorry but that's the best I can do. This honesty stuff is hard.

My response:

Actually you did clear some up a bit.. Your not happy.. Your scared... You want to be single yet not lose me... That's a contradiction.... What it takes to make a marriage work is two people totally committed to each other... without reservation or doubt...
>As for moving on with my life; I'm struggling there... I've tried. Like you; I can't imagine my life without you by my side...
>This is just my understanding of what you said... If it doesn't sound right help me to understand... Maybe together we can see the way through this...

Her response:

You're right it is a contradiction. I want my cake and eat it too and that's not fair to you. That's why I've been telling you to not wait on me. I may never get my **** together and you shouldn't have to wait until I do. You're also right about what it takes for a marriage and I don't think I can give you that. Not now and maybe not ever. I wish I knew what to do to make things right, but I don't. Right now I just know I need this time to try and figure out who I am. I know you probably can't understand that. You've always had your work to define you, but I've only ever been known as someone's mother or someone's wife. I'm sorry I'm hurting you and the children so. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt anyone but I can't continue to live the way I have. I just hope and pray, the kids will be able to forgive me for leaving them like I did. Anyway, I'm rambling and I need to go to bed. I actually have to get up early tomorrow and I bet anything it'll be the first day in weeks that I actually sleep in. Good luck finding a dishwasher.

So should I start a full plan B? Been plan A her for awhile.. It will be hard we have 4 childern... Which still don't know why Mom left other then to finish school in Austin..

BS 35
WS 35
Married 11/28/86
WS 4 A's during our marriage
D-Day 8/26/02
OM dumped her when she told him she is married.
Childern
SS 19 lives at home
S 14
S 9
D 6

As you can see my plate is full....

Mjt-

Man, you do indeed have a plate full! I read your story and it sounds like you're in good shape as long as you continue to refine the way you communicate with her.I think you want to stay away from pressuring her in any way and those questions about her happiness, feelings for you, etc. amount to PRESSURE. It's a tough concept but TIME really is your friend as long as you're able to take care of yourself and your family in the meantime.

I should probably stop with my advice at this point as I don't want to lead you astray. I will say that the fact that she's no longer having contact with the OP is very encouraging. Continue to research and ask questions. Good luck!

So should I start a full plan B? Been plan A her for awhile.. It will be hard we have 4 childern... Which still don't know why Mom left other then to finish school in Austin..
Not really a good time for Plan B, which is usually done when there is an ongoing affair.

Now is a great time for you to be the rock for her. She is someplace alone and scared. Let her know you are there for her if she needs someone to talk with.

Thanks Chris,
Good advice, your right though time is on my side. ...
Funny they never apperciate us until they lose us...

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 06:00 PM: Message edited by: Mjt ]</small>

Bump!!!

Mjt,

I would certainly be considering Plan B at this point if you feel good enough about your Plan A. She is in no hurry to get back to you because she knows you will be sitting there waiting for her. She has no motivation to change anything and has all but admitted this when she said she was having her cake and eating it too. Maybe if she feels that you aren't sitting by the fire waiting for her, but getting on with life, it will give her a little incentive?

If you decide to do Plan B, please do me a favor and don't do a 20 page, mushy, emotional novel that would make the most romantic of people GAG. I don't understand why people do that to someone who is so apparently emotionally DETACHED from them to begin with. It can only serve to push them away even more. JMO.

I would plan A all the way. All the way and show her you love her. The kids love her. She seems to be willing, and wanting to talk to you. This is the start, and she is showing remorse and guilt. This is a wonderful first step.