Hi Faith,

I hope all goes well for you tomorrow.

Also, Lawyers talk to each other, but I do not believe that your lawyer would say to his lawyer that you are asking for too much. If he believed that, he would not voice it, because it would tip his hand to the other lawyer. It is all about strategy with lawyers. I believe that SNL is playing mind games again.

You see, you Lawyer know what you are entitled to, what you can ask for, and alot of times, they try to ask for more. They also know what is allowble within state guidelines, so if it is not, then he will not even attempt it. They also care about their reputation with the judges.

Hi Faith4me,

It IS a good idea to bring someone other than one of your kids with you tomorrow. In fact, it is usually recommended to bring a support person to court. You did very well in not letting yourself be bullied out of taking care of yourself!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Faith4me, you're right, the tension is high right now. Isn't the tension always very high when snl doesn't get every little thing he wants? Well, there are laws in your state--they apply to you and THE LAWS APPLY TO SNL TOO. snl should have realized that when he filed and it is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY if he didn't. If snl is not satisfied with the reality of a fair divorce settlement in your state, then he can cancel the divorce--it is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to save snl from the results of his divorce action! It IS your responsibility to take extra good care of yourself--like bringing a support person of YOUR choosing--while your attorney does HIS job.

Faith4me, you--more than anyone else in this world--know how snl will act when he cannot bully or control the law, the judge, the court proceedings, or the fair application of the laws of your state. One of those ways is for him to engage you in LB slinging so that you spiral down fast and far. I know you feel bad about your LB's to snl--just forgive yourself this time and try to do better next time. Do not let it do to you what snl is banking on--that you will be so hurt by his LBs and so remorseful about your LBs that you will make the court proceedings "all about snl" and forget all about taking care of Faith4me before, during, and after court. Just take care of yourself (including allowing your attorney do his job) and keep trying to eliminate LBs--that's all you are responsible for right now.

Faith4me, please hold off on making any decision about the income tax thing. Because of court you are not in a position to make any decision or agreement right now. I once helped a friend with this exact thing and she and her exH were both happy with the result. I would be happy to help you with it too--but now is not the time. I will email you about it ok? I'll go back in this thread to get your email address and will email you next week about the taxes. Until then, please don't do anything about the tax thing--you have a very full plate right now and the taxes can wait ok?

I am also going to email you about another matter so when you have time check your email ok?

Faith4me, you are capable of doing better in court than you are giving yourself credit for. You have taken some nice recovery steps in this last month and that will help you now if you keep focused on your recovery and healing efforts. I will be thinking of you and will check this thread throughout the day whenever I can.

Take care Faith4me, you are in many people's prayers

I am up and shaking. Yep, nervous YES, didn't sleep well at all. On and off. This shoulder hurts so much. PT told me it would be sore with the scapala intervention. She was right, couldn't hardly move in bed, and once I moaned out loud, to who, nobody but me. I am suppose to start wearing the tens unit everyday again.

SNL called me last night to explain the words that might be said by his lawyer might be tough. That he is not responsible for his lawyers actions and words. So I guess I will have to face the firing squad. That really upset me last night. KNowing now, that my mother will be there, maybe I shouldn't of asked her to go. She said she wanted to go and be there for me. And I want someone to drive home, cause I feel I am going to be a mess. Truly a mess now.

I LB big time last night, stating this is what you wanted your Divorce. He said, this is not what he wanted. He just wanted to go to mediation. He said my lawyers never gave his lawyer a settlement. I said my lawyers asked for a settlement proposal from him to see where things were between us. SNL said he wasn't going to give one until he got one. So that is what is happening.

We regressed into how unsafe he feels with me, to how I don't feel safe with him, his affair, how he said I will throw his affair in his face the rest of his life, how I didn't meet his needs, to not being there for him, not putting him first in my life. All was ugly and messy. I didn't want to do this, but Satan took over, and I am SORRY <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> for last night. Sorry for all the pain that was expressed by me to him, and all the pain that I had to endure. I am hurting by this court day, and emotionally a mess. I expressed to SNL that I am seeking professional help, finally. That I admit that I am a mess. I did express to him that he needs psychological help also. He said he reads books, and is happy with himself. Maybe he is, but that is something that he will have to deal with.

All I want is to get this day over with. Just get this crappy day over with. I asked my oldest daughter last night, did dad tell you we are going to court today for divorce. She said yes, she didn't seem to be very happy. I just told her, I am sorry, this is not what I want. I said goodnight.

Maybe in a few weeks, I will beable to realize that my life is not over. Just so hard to deal with this. The one who does NOT want the divorce, feels so much pain, and emotional mess. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Maybe if I could work out at the gym it would help. To hit the machines hard, let them take my tension, and have me sweat it off. But unable to with my shoulder inflammed and my neck having problems. Did call the neck Dr. and made an appt. Not till the end of February. Also, I was thinking last night, that the gym thing is a trigger <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> point for me. That is where SNL and I met, at a run for your life class. We ran at the high school track, did exercises, and then we all played volleyball. I was in the class first, and then SNL joined. I thought of that last night, and now that I can't join the gym, is another way of tearing my heart apart more. Cause he joined the gym, and I want to be there too. I enjoy exercise classes, and getting in shape. Not like enjoying the great outdoors, or listening to music. But I do enjoy exercising. SNL says he doesn't, but I feel he does also. There is a high when you are done, a mental and physical high. Maybe he is to scared to tell me that he does enjoy the exercise. I am not safe for him to express himself. Yeah it is just pity jealousy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

WEll, I guess I have to start getting ready. Taking more pepto bismol after I eat and brush my teeth. Had to get up twice and take pepto bismol. My stomach hurts really bad, got the feeling of regurgitating last night. So I stuffed it down, and took pepto bismol to hellp. Just having a protein drink, nothing else. Afraid, nothing will stay down. \

Oh yeah, I did invite SNL over for Turkey dinner last night. I put a turkey breast on the rotissery that a friend of mine gave me. It was excellent. The turkey is so moist. He did come over to eat after we were done. I went up to my room to pray and read and looked at the computer while he ate. I was wondering SNL if you thought the turkey was good or not? The kids said it was really good. I didn't make mashed potatoes, don't have any, but I did bake the sweet potatoes I had leftover. And I made homemade stuffing in the crockpot, sliced vegetables and cranberry sauce. So when I called SNL, I told him he could come over for turkey dinner. I wanted him to have something good to eat. The day before, he said he bought some spam. Both my oldest daughter and I went yuck. He said he used to eat it quite a bit when he was young. I remember my mom bought it once, and that was the first and last time. So that hit me emotionally, that is why I asked SNL over for a good meal.

I do love you SNL, and I do care. Just upset that we have had to turn in this direciton. Wishing that we could of been mates the rest of our lives. I feel we are good for each other. If we could of gotten over each of our emotional messes, with psychological help, we could of had a very happy marriage. But it took 2, and when 1 is only there, the odds are for the worse. See you at court SNL. Goodbye for now. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I received this quote via e-mail a while back; I'm just getting around to catching up this a.m. - thought of you instantly when I read it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even
less than you settled for."

Maureen Dowd
New York Times Columnist
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">F4M - Please allow yourself to stand up for yourself - just for today, and let SNL stew. After all the concessions you've given him over your marriage, it still hasn't made him any more loving or pleasant to you. Since he has no capacity to appreciate your sacrifices, I recommend that today, you make no more sacrifices, no more concessions.

Prayers for you.

Love, Kayla

Kayla - I can't settle for anything less. SNL is a good person, but there truly is belief that this man is in need of psychological help. I am sorry for him, and sorry that he feels he doesn't need help. I am seeking help for myself. Wishing that both of us had seeked psychological help much earlier in our marriage. Individual counseling. We both have issues to deal with, and both are good people. The issues we are dealing with are hindering our compassion for each other. Now it seems SNL sees me as this uncaring, unloving woman, his wife. I do see SNL as my husband, I do care for him, and I do still love him. Wishing that he would see the light, and see the love we have for each other.

We have to go back to court sometime in March. We have to settle by then. I am wanting SNL to see that I do love him. I am sorry for our tension, and that I do still love him. Please SNL, you are in need of individual counseling, just as I am getting individual counseling. We both have failed, but we have the base for a good marriage, and that is what I am praying for.

I don't want to hurt SNL anymore. I don't want to have him see me as a woman he does not love. There is so much that we both love to do together. That we both have the same interests in.

I looked at SNL today, and I cried in my chair. I cried and just kept looking down at my hands. This was so hard today. So alone, and my mom was there. But you know what, I wanted SNL to put his arms around me and hold and hug me. But I can't ask it, cause he doesn't want to give it.

What I asked for today during the conversations we had with our lawyers is not unreasonable. The judge is taking this case with the affair, and domestic violence. She is aware that SNL canceled the health insurance, and Life insurance. This makes me mad that SNL did this. And he is to get insurances NOW. Also, SNL told me at the court room, that he is not reinstating the Life Insurance for the amount we originally had. He is going less. So that is an issue. I am asking for a new vehicle. Once again, my vehicle, we just got back tonight from the garage where they fixed it again this week. Last week it was there for 2 days. The engine light came on again, coming home. This van has 140,000 miles on it. It is time I had a dependable new car.

I do feel sorry for SNL, that he is out working his butt off in this cold weather. I came home and took spasm pills and pain pills. I told my daughter that I am going to lay down and take a nap, pills make me sleepy and unstable. When I woke up, I took a long hot bubble bath, and soaked the neck and shoulder in the water. That really felt good. But when I got out, the pain was just unbelievable. I had my oldest daughter try to press on my back around the spine, and cervical. I said, there is something out of line. I directed her as she was doing it, and she did get a big crack. It felt so good, to have some pressure relieved, but now my head is crocked, and I can't turn my neck to the left. The pain is there, and I get dizzy easy. So something is out of whack, and you know what, I am so sick of this. If I wasn't so depressed, I probably would of eaten myself to 150#'s by now.

I saw my husband sitting in the chair in the hall, and saw him reading his book. I saw a man that I wanted to hold in my arms. I wanted to talk to him, and say I love you honey. I wanted to stroke his head, like I used to, and just hold him. Let him read his book, and have him lay his head on my lap. Scratch his head, and let him read and just both of us be there together, and feel each others bodies relax, and breathe deeply. I cried inside, my heart aches for him, and for us.

Tomorrow, trying to resolve the issue of seeing the neck specialist. Talk to the office first, and then to the shoulder specialist to see if he can help me get an earlier appt. To wait till the end of February, is going to be tough, if I feel the way I do tonight.

Laying down for a nap was good. Didn't sleep well last night, and of course the tension today was so strong. My lawyer told me, I should of brought a sedative. WEll, that is how today went.

When us 4 were in the little room to try to settle, I did get to talk to SNL's lawyer. Expressed some concerns I had, and some of the things that SNL did that were outright deceit. Expressed to his lawyer, that this was definitely an uncaring action, and that consequences needed to be paid for these actions.

I guess the judge at the end ordered that SNL has to pay all my medical stuff for quite awhile. Jacob said we will have a settlement conversation with the 4 of us again, in a couple of weeks. Try to resolve issues, and should get the price of this house by a realtor tomorrow. I am going to get 2 more market values also. No need to just have 1, felt 2 more would see the real cost of this house. Anyways, I am sorry SNL that things are so ugly. Wishing that we could work things out, and be a loving couple. Only way this would happen I feel, is if you go to counseling, and I continue with my counseling, then we have couple counseling. A good marriage counselor. Think about it SNL. 25 years is a long time. We had some good times, and some bad times. I do love you, and you said you loved me last night. Goodnight. I am sorry that you had to work late tonight. WAs going to offer you something to eat. But we actually just ate whatever we could find. Tomorrow is pork dinner SNL, so you are welcome again. Thank you honey, I love you. Your wife.

faith I have been reading your story for the last few hours and I have some advice that you can take or ignore. while reading your story i could feel the raw emotions pouring from you and it's heart breaking. I think you need to let go of your hubby for now. I don't mean divorce. I mean emotionally banish him. no more turkey or pork dinners. he can feed himself I'll bet. I just think that he needs you to be the strong person he married and you will gain back some respect from him. right now he sees you as needy and emotional. why don't you become that volleyball playing, running at the track, carefree woman again? and don't do it for him, do it for YOU! is it ok to ask how old you and your hubby are?

Hi Faith4me,

I thought of you a lot yesterday but this is the first I could post to you.

Now is the time that it is most important for you to focus on your recovery plan that you formed with your drs and counselors. It is the best thing you can do for yourself, your kids, and even for snl.

Your responsibility right now is to:
1) follow your recovery plan
2) allow your attorney to do his job
3) continue to work on eliminating LBs to snl in your spare time

I truly think that limiting contact with snl will help you make rapid progress with all three of those things, but it is up to you to decide since you are the one who lives with the result.

Take care Faith4me--spend extra time on YOUR recovery plan for the next few days ok?

We both are 52. All I am able to do at this time is go to physical therapy, and massomasology. Exercise is not in the picture yet. I am a active person, and I love to be outdoors, and play outdoor sports. That is why I was in the running class where SNL and I met. I was working, and thinking about going to school partime at night and wanted to get in shape. Also, the class was fun, and we played volleyball afterwards. But now, I am not active at all. Just trying to do things that are conductive, but physical energy needs to be used, to have a better frame of mind. The endorphins hellp with mental attitude.

Would like to see about doing classes at home, for now for schooling. Would not beable to sit in a classroom for a long time. The neck and back would spasm. But I am looking into some programs that involve getting my RN. Just a thought, not sure I will be able to afford it. But am checking into it. Also, I want a program that is accredited. So it transfers.

Not sure if this is exactly what I want to do. Not sure at all. I know I want to work in the medical field. But not clear on what. Kind of a shame at this age, but really didn't think about it, cause I was a wife and raising a family.

Been praying to God, to direct me. Been praying for SNL, and been praying for our children.

It is sooo... cold here in Michigan. I saw on the weather channel, Tampa Florida was a low of 35 today. Coldest temp in many many years. They showed the strawberry fields, and they are spraying everynight to keep their crops. I am ready to move to a warmer climate. Oour oldest daughter has to go feed the horses, and it is cold out there. They have a barn to sleep in, and the water trough has a heated rod in it. Thank goodness for that. Last year we were throwing rubber buckets on the floor to break the ice, and restock the buckets with water. This is so much easier with the water trough.

Wishing that I could just have a light jacket on. And enjoy the sun, and enjoy being outside. Also, to walk again. I was walking last year at this time. And into the late spring. I enjoy walking, and talk to God, and take my dog. I lost weight, and toned up, and was not flabby. Now I am flabby, gained a little weight. Part of depression, and part not exercising, or walking.

I know that I will feel better when I am able to be outside, and pick the yard up, clean it up, get rid of the tall weeds, and have the place look nicer. Have the little junk trees that started everywhere cut down. Need to get this place looking nicer.

Just being outside in the dirt and working with nature is lifting.

BS's sure have a hard plate to clean. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Just knowing what I have gone through for the last 3 years, makes me cringe. This has been the worst years of my life. And I have aged.

Being a BS is not the ideal feeling. You feel used, betrayed, lonely, untrusting towards your spouse, and almost like you yourself are an alien. Like the outside world is continuing on without you. But little by little, we are entering our feet into the path of civilization. Somedays I feel really good, and some days, like today, I feel really crappy. Mood swings still come. But I seem to be more on the mood swing of being just okay. Not terrific, but okay. And then days like today, I feel lousy. I just got back of massomasology, and I am sore. Been soaking in the tub for 1/2 hour. The massologist said I am a mess, and muscles knots all over, and I got dizzy again. She also, worked on my intestional track, and stomach. Said my stomach is all knotted up. So she worked on that for about 15 minutes, and finally got it relieved. It feels so good, cause before you feel bloated and food seems to be stuck in your esophagus. Then when the release comes, it fades away.

She gave me a good trick to do twice a day. Drink first thing in the morning & with a semi empty stomach during the day 8ozs of water. Drink it all at once, on your tiptoes. Then take and come down hard on your feet flat, very hard, and hear the water swish to the bottom of the stomach. It lengthens the long neck of the stomach, and that is where the crinking is. It stretches that out, and then you are okay. Need to do this exercise twice a day, and eventually you will feel much better. Like a balloon. You blow it up, let it release aire, and pick it up. You do this over and over for many tims. Then the neck of the balloon gets crinked. Put water in the balloon, and hold the tip and let the balloon stretch with weight and the neck straightens out. That is what is happening to your stomach. So I will do this tonight before I go to bed.

I was thinking that I would like to do massomassology maybe. Don't know if I would have the strength in my arms or not. But that is something that I think would be fun, and that is something that I could do at home, and also, do something on the internet at home. That way, if SNL and I were to have another business together, I could still run that business, and do this. Also, being self-employed is a good thing. You make your own hours, and yes it is a headache. But it pays better too. Being able to contribute to the family funds is a great self-empower to ones self-esteem. That is why, I took babysitting in, piano lessons. I wanted to contribute to our family, and wanted SNL to know that I was helping. Plus saving on childcare.

WEll, I guess I will go downstairs and help my son paint warhammer figures. This is something he and I can do together. Goodnight everyone.

Hi Faith4me,

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Your post is very helpful to me in many ways. This has been a horrendous week for me too, and I feel uplifted after reading it.

You said:
"Been praying to God, to direct me. Been praying for SNL, and been praying for our children."

I have been more and more lax in doing this as the week has gone by. I usually start getting lax when I start "directing" my prayers instead of asking for guidance for myself and praying that my FWH and my children get what they need. I'll start getting back to basics on this--as I'm sure God doesn't need me to give Him directions LOL

It's funny that you said:
"Kind of a shame at this age, but really didn't think about it, cause I was a wife and raising a family."

I think it's funny because that's how I planned to do it--first career kids, second career paying job. I figured 25 years in each career and then retirement. My youngest will be a sophomore next year and that is when I will start schooling--I should be schooled, trained, and ready to go by his graduation. But things happen, as all of us here know, and it doesn't look like it going to happen that way.

I can relate to your description of a BS--especially the alien, aging, and feeling ok then along comes a crappy time and it's hard to remember that it will pass if I continue to do the necessary things to recover. Yesterday seemed to last a week and a half--today is much better (maybe I'm better?).

The water drinking trick is something I am definitely going to try. Thanks for passing on that tip because these past five days I've barely been able to eat and I'm starving <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey Faith4me, since you seem to enjoy doing yardwork so much...nevermind, I don't think we're supposed to post our addresses here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks again for the uplifting post!

Take care

That is one thing wrong with us down here, we don't ask God, we guide God in our prayers. I am asking God to help me, SNL, children, and my family. I am trying so hard to not control God. Trying so hard to be a good servant of his. But Yet... this is so hard, to let it go, let God take control.

I just did the water trick. I took my medications with milk, then got the 8oz of water, and stood on my tiptoes, and bounced hard flat on my feet. Felt it, it did go bunk. So will see tomorrow if I feel better.

The BS feelings are so real. And I am so tired of it. Seems we have to face it everyday, and some days are worse than others.

Good for you going to school. What are you going into? Just curious, and interested. If you don't want to say, that is your right.

The only thing I like about working outside, is the effect of neatness. I used to grow a garden and everything. Just a small raised vegetable garden. I don't plant too many flowers, cause they are pretty, but you can't eat them. I haven't grown a garden in 2 years. But this year, I am going to put in some green beans, tomatoes, and pickles. Just for us to eat fresh, and enjoy. But I would like to get the area around the garden cleaned up, and get rid of all the dirt hills. I was thinking of asking our neighbors, who have tractors, if I could pay them to come and level the dirt piles. Then I could plant grass seed, and the yard would look nicer. The dirt piles have been there for so long, some of the weeds have grown into small trees. I would like to have a garage put up. But I won't have enough money. But I think I am going to have a cement slab put up in the back yard, and with all the construction going on, I think I can scavange the throw away materials, and build us a nice size shed. To store tools, lawnmower, and etc.

Trying to be innovative, and yet trying to find a career, and trying to find a system that is going to work for me. Not what I wanted to do at this age. But I have to now. Life is not fair, and that is life.

Praying for peace with Bush. Saw today on the news that the unemployment is up to 6.7%. They said it is going to get worse. Bush is wanting war. There is a real financial situation that is happening here in the United States. Also, they talked about murders increasing. Those desperate enough, will kill to get what they want. Finding jobs in unhealthy situation are going to increase. Prostitute, drugs, crime, etc. Not sure what God has planned for us, but it doesn't look good. And now that I will be broke, I really don't know what I am going to do. Just hope to get the kids through college, and well on their way to financial status. Good night.

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Faith,

The unemployment rate is 6% as of December. If if were 67%, our economy would be shut down!

The government reported earlier this month that the nation's jobless rate remained stuck at an eight-year high of 6 percent in December. Many analysts predict the unemployment rate will peak at about 6.5 percent in early summer, before the economy starts to pick up and create jobs again.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A37094-2003Jan24.html

Yes Melody Lane, I corrected my #'s. It is corrected now. I sometimes type too fast. We would be like you said shut down if it was 67%.

Been thinking a lot last night, and thinking how many of us are in a downhill spiral. And some of us are in an uphill spiral. But if you were to compare the statistics of the the BS & WS, I would state the BS's are the ones that are going down more. Doesn't seem the WS have the up and downs of emotions. Doesn't seem the WS have a deep feeling for their spouse. All in the game they have played. Selfishness!!!!!

My life has definitely been put in a blender. All mixed up, no definite flavor, no definite texture, no exact outcome.

My childrens lives are all screwed up. And the animals probably feel the difference too. I know our bird, expresses herself more vocally. All this, and headaches, tension, grief, sorrow, tears, heartache, emotional distress.

Reading another good book, besides the others. Just started on it last night and it has to with spouses.

Responding to my gut, my guts reaction to stress, and my guts response to the unknown.

Almost like this was twilight zone or outer space. Sometimes the feeling of wanting to sleep and wake up again.

This is normal, and just letting things flow. Will get back later, need to get dinner ready, and have 5 of us to feed here. Talked to oldest daughter about feeding the cats. We are going to reduce their morning consumption in the morning. Need to save money on canned cat food. We have 2 older cats, and 2 semi-kittens/cats.

Hi Faith4me,

I don't think it's necessarily the BS. I think it's whoever starts recovery first that feels this way. The other half may or may not end up going through it depending on whether or not they ever decide to recover.

Everyone gets to make their own choices about recovery or not. Everyone gets to make their own choices on WHEN also.

There are many stories of FWSs who decide to recover after they see the same patterns and results in subsequent relationships. There are many stories of FBSs who do the same thing after seeing the same patterns and results in their susequent relationships. Some FWSs never choose to recover and some FBSs never choose to recover. It's also not uncommon for the unrecovered FWS to become a BS in subsequent realationships and for the unrecovered FBS to become the WS in subesquent relationships.

That's why I made the decision early on--I was going to recover no matter what my FWH decided for himself and whether or not the marriage survived.

We all get to make our own choices, and we all will live with the results of the choices we make--even in recovery.

Well, Faith4me, thanks for letting me give myself a pep talk on your thread <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It's a hard time right now so it's very important for me to stay focused on what I am doing and not what my FWH is doing (especially when they're not the choices I want him to make).

Take care

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: YetAgain ]</small>

Your pep talks are for all of us. I see that when one chooses to get on with their life earlier on it creates a closure to the LB, and you can handle stress in a more comfortable fashion. There are differences in each of us. Some, like myself, are on anti-D, and taking other medication for injury. Plus going through meno-pause. I am experiencing mood swings, hot flashes, pain, depression, and failure.

Talking to you, you have yourself on a track and you keep jugging along. I ADMIRE you for your jugging. You are determined to stay on the track. Some of us can focus more clearer than others, and some of us are more into the woe is me (which I was more in the past), but not as much now. Just when the pain gets really bad I spiral down. I know it is not good, and therefore, I am trying to concentrate on some of the better things that are happening in my life.

Also, I feel when a BS has another focus going on in there life, could be work, a hobby, job to complete, deadline, or whatever, takes the focus away from the trauma, for the time being, and gives the mind something to work at. And when that job or whatever is complete, you can look at yourself and pat yourself on the back, and say you did a good job. Self admiration!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your words have helped me, and many people here. Couldn't sleep any more, I felt something pop in my neck and back, and got up to take some pain meds. Head is having a hard time turning to the left again. So will have to see what I feel like in the morning again.

Could you answer another ? I posted on Emotional Forum. Thanks.

Hi Faith4me,

Your post gave me a good laugh--the part that said I have kept myself on track. OMG, if you only knew how far off the track I've gone and how many times I've done that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'm a FBW and while reading posts the last few months I realized that my mindset was more like a FWS than a FBS--talk about off track! I was starting to identify with "in the fog" too.

And then I start thinking this way, "What's the use? I'll never get this MB stuff good enough to make a difference now or ever." But something I read on these boards a long time ago will pop back into my mind sooner or later--someone told another person that it's never too late (or too soon) to start again, even from square one if that's how many steps back you took.

So, I'm back to reading the info pages. I hadn't done that in a few months. I wonder if there's a connection?

Take care Faith4me, especially physically because the cold does seem to make it worse. Wearing a few lighter layers instead of one heavy layer might help your shoulder in between the soakings.

<small>[ January 26, 2003, 02:48 AM: Message edited by: YetAgain ]</small>

The cold does affect surgical sights. And today is really cold. I decided to go to church today in bluejeans and a sweatshirt. Heck with trying to look 'pretty'. Warmth is more important.

The popping in my neck and back are affecting me today. I have this headache, and my right eye is hurting. Might be somewhat of a migrane. Feels like somewhat of a migrane. The neck needs some attention tomorrow at physical therapy again.

I came home from church, and did a few things around the house, and told my son that I have to lay down and take a nap. Took an hour nap, and felt better. But now that I have been up for awhile, feel pretty awful.

Our youngest son has some friends over today, to play warhammer. I told son, they have to bring their own pop and chips. I am making spaghetti dinner. But once again, feeling sick to my stomach.

Talked to my pastor today at church. He is there for me, and so is his wife. I have made some really nice friends at church, and they wanted me to sit next to them today. The couple were the ones that invited me to go to lunch with them a few weeks ago. We talked, and I told them about what my Dr. said about my shoulder, and seeing a neck specialist.

Her husband was so nice, we have a married woman, that her husband works Sunday mornings, and she has a brand new 4 week old baby boy. This husband took her little wee boy, and held him while she went up for communion, and prayer.

I want to feel like I am part of this church, and am going to sign up as a member. Just been attending weekly, and I have decided to make this my church. The kids are not interested in going to church. So that is their choice <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . SNL is not interested in attending this church, that is his choice <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . I wish they all would come, but my one daughter said she doesn't like the church. She attended and She just sat there, didn't sing, didn't read any of the verses. I think she wouldn't like any church I went to, cause she is a angry person right now. When I ask her to do the garbage, it is always with hostile reply. I asked her nicely today to take the garbage out (her chore). And she rolled her eyes, and said whatever. But she did do it, and I said thankyou. She says I don't talk to her nicely, but if you were to record how she talks to me, it is so rude. I told her the other day, that I don't want us to be talking rudely to each other. I said we both need to work on our speaking. As far as doing things for her, I have decided to do very little. I don't get the respect from her, and therefore, I am tired of being used. She needs to be accountable for her actions. And she blames a lot on me. This is more of her angry outbursts. I see when her boyfriend is around, that she is so sweet... so sweet talking, saying please, would you mom. But otherwise, there is a lot of whatever talk, I don't know, yeah right, talk. I am just letting her get her anger out. I talked to her about doing chores, and I can't do everything around here. Also, said, that I cannot give you any money. I don't have extra, and you will have to ask dad for any money. I will ask if she wants anything special from the grocery store. She sometimes will pop up with a few requests. Sometimes, she will just say, don't bother. Like why would you be interested.

She has been rude to SNL for many years. Part of her controlling behavior. Now she is being reallly rude to me. Part of her controlling behavior. Told her if I don't get the house or if I do, I might have to sell it anyway. She told me don't worry about her, she will get an apartment. I said to myself, yeah, how are you going to pay for it? I can't help her? But this is reality. Part of growing up.

Now I have to work on our oldest daughter. She puts her request in grocery shopping. But she is 24 years old. And I feel if she wants something, she can go out and buy it herself. She said she is not making much money this month. So if she puts her request in, I will say, if I have enough money, let me see with the groceries I need to get. Like the other day, we stopped at the store to get her juice. I was planning on 1 or 2 containers. She put 4 in the basket. I told her I can't buy 4. Two is the limit. She put 2 back. I said if you want these for yourself, then put your name on them, and set them aside for you. Otherwise, the other siblings will drink them like water. That is where I have to buy some koolaide. It is much more economical. I would rather see them drink more water, period. They all have told me that they do not plan on giving me any money to live here. I just say okay, and and say to myself, when the time comes, and there is no food to put on the table, then I will say, oh well, we have no means for food.

Part of the problem with the kids, is for years and years, they have gotten whatever they wanted. All they did was ask for money from SNL. Or I. Cause we had this little fireproof safe that we would put cash in for when someone needed money. Now that is not available, and things are tough here. So they know now not to ask me for any money, cause I don't have extra. With the settlement, I am getting screwed. And things are not going to be easy for me.

Reality for the kids is, hey get your butt out there and work. I worked during my high school years, I worked during my going to nursing school. Cause my parents paid for none of my schooling.

Anyways, just more money issues. And yes things are not easy here. Wont be for a long time. With my injury and recovery.

Would be nice to win the lottery. But God would probably not allow that, too easy, and God does not see us getting things easy. We have to work for what we want.

Therefore, I am working for my marriage, and working to get my life back together. I am working with God to help SNL. Working to help my kids understand finances are an issue. And that with all these animals here, money goes out pretty fast.

Has anyone ever really defined LOVE? Just wondering. I had a really vivid dream last night, and it was so scarey. But I was wondering if there is a definite definition for LOVE. Between spouses!

I started a thread on the meaning of LOVE! My dream was so vivid, and been wanting to hear a answer from both sexes. Women are natural nurturers, and some are more than others. I think I am a nurturer of high content. I have given most of my life to others, and received, but was always more comfortable giving than with taking. Men if you could, please help me sort this out. And other women, how do you feel about love? Since there is no real true meaning of LOVE?