Reading through Blue's thread, this was the question I began to wonder about.

So,
1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?
2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?
3) At what point of the affair?
4) Under what circumstances?
5) If not, do you think it could happen?
6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP?

ME:
1) yes
2) no
3) n/a
4) n/a
5) no, I do not think she ever will.
6) Yes, I think she would raise in my estimation.

1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?
Yes...knew her I thought well. I was wrong!

2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?
NO!

3) At what point of the affair?
n/a

4) Under what circumstances?
n/a

5) If not, do you think it could happen?
I hope not! I have no desire to ever hear
her voice again.

6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP?
Actually, it might. BUT...I don't need to
change my perception of her. But she has
NOTHING to do with my life now and that's
the way I'd like to keep it. She's a
non-issue.

1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?

no

2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?

yes, in a letter ... (then resumed the A within 2 weeks)

3) At what point of the affair?

After they "ended" it the 2nd time, then resumed the A within 2 weeks.

4) Under what circumstances?

The A "ended", for several reasons (her ex-BF called, fight between H and OW, H's fear of cancer returning, and Sept. 11 wake-up call), and she felt compelled to send me a letter of apology, and that she was ashamed, and that she would stay away from H and let us work on our M.

5) If not, do you think it could happen?

NA

6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP?

Did it change my attitude? Yes. I tend to be naive and trusting, and I believed her letter to be sincere. I gave her a credit for "doing the right thing". But then of course, she showed her true colors by resuming the A.

AND.... She REALLY showed her true colors by beginning another A with ANOTHER MM while living with my XH. He was smart enough to end it with her for good and stay away from her.

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

Yes I met her on D-day, I was polite and introduced myself, she is Korean and did not make eye contact with me, nor verbalized anything, just kept looking down at the pavement, and smiled nervously. I probably intimidated her because I am 6'1. she is about 5'6. He looked at me and said to me" I don't need to talk to you"(meaning me), and walked away with her. Now seeing as she is married to an american the only thing that I felt disrespected on is when she them proceeded to call the house 1 week later, that; I felt was totally disrespecting not someone's mate but another woman in general; she was then blatant and that made me upset with her.

I could have been a total horror to her on d-day, but there was no way I was going to go there, my emotions were directed at him, and his callousness and coldness at being caught. So she never apologized and I feel she never will but I do not know where their relationship is now as he was asked to move out and I do not hear from him.
I do know that she is still married, but do not know if they are still having an A. I would have had more respect for her had she done the right thing about A .....after I literally caught them, but she didn't, so that showed me her character. It's one thing when you don't know the BS, but when you have met in person on d-day, then there is choices you can make.... BTW, I looked like total crap that day physically, so I am sure I was not a vision to behold.......lol

So,
1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?
2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?
3) At what point of the affair?
4) Under what circumstances?
5) If not, do you think it could happen?
6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP?

ME:
1) yes
2) yes
3) afterwards
4) I contacted her and after she recovered from her shock, explained to me that thought my H was seperated. She apologized and gave me all the facts.
5) N/A
6) N/A

I am grateful that she apologized and gave me all the facts. She was under the impression that my H was seperated and was not to blame for her involvement. While I forgive her for what she did, I have no respect for her. She is a married woman who routinely picks up guys on the internet and brings them to the house on the weekends when her H is gone. She introduces the men to her children.

So,
1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?
Yup. 2 Hours on H cell phone.

2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?
Sort of. First words were, "I want you to know I'm not a home wrecker." A bit too late for that.

3) At what point of the affair?
After D-Day, but A was still hot & heavy.

4) Under what circumstances?
I was checking H cell phone, it rang, I answered.

5) If not, do you think it could happen?
N/A - but am tempted to call OW to see if A is really over.

6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP?
Didn't change my attitude towards OW. But gave me some insight into her personality & cleared up some lies H was telling.

1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?
About 2 years ago, on the phone, the only thing I said, "Let me talk to my wife" when my oldest wanted to speak with her mom
2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?
No.
3) At what point of the affair?
4) Under what circumstances?
5) If not, do you think it could happen?
Don't know how or why.
6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP?
No. I wouldn't say I despise him. Just that he is a non-person to me.

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

My H had a EA with my best friend and neighbor several years ago. She showed no remorse towards me and never apologized for anything. She smiled at me when I confronted. But then quickly lost her smile when I told her H in front of her the details of the A which my H had shared with me.

My A is currently involved in an EA/PA with MOW, coworker. I had a friendly relationship with MOW, met her lunch several times over the years. I asked her to leave us alone to work on marriage on D-D and she claimed she was not pursuing my H. Cell records indicate otherwise. I told her I would not hurt her. (I am a cop) she told me I was no threat to her. H continued to down play their relationship until he moved out and wanted divorce.

I had let the hate go in the first affair since it only hurt me. I dont except this OW would ever apologized since she feels like they are doing nothing wrong.

I befriended OW#2 and OW#4 via e-mail. Spoke to #4 on the phone a few times. That lasted for a few weeks each. Of course, they were telling me to leave him. Once I declared NC with them, on my own...FWH was free to run right back to them. And of course he did becuz he wanted to know what I had said and "set the story straight". All I did was prolong it. Also, #4 had the nerve to tell me that she spoke to FWH becuz I abandoned her and I was her only friend. What a freak!

I got an apology from #4, but nothing from the rest except advice to leave my FWH. Each of them had very nice things to say about me to FWH when he was communicating with them though and I think that made him mad. He didn't want to look like the bad guy.

What a mess.

1. Yes, the OW called me and manipulated & coerced me with suicide if my husband or I were to tell her husband about this affair. This is the woman 2nd sexual affair in her longterm marriage, and she wanted to keep this affair a dirty secret.
2. No, she is self-centered. She contacted me, cause she couldn't get through to my husband to not tell. My hsuband wouldn't do what she wanted. So she picked on the weakest link. I was devastated with the affair, and she didn't care, cause when she called, I told her I am very busy at work, work at home on our business, and the phones were really busy that day. She told me she didn't care if the phones were busy, that she wanted to talk to me. No she hasn't.
3. When she realized that my hsuband was going to tell, she ended the conversations, ended everything right then and there. And decided to speak to me, and then wanted to continue to call me later. I set a day, and she couldn't wait till that day, and called 3 days earlier. And the next time I talked to her, the same thing, she couldn't wait till the day I said it was okay, she called me earlier, and at that point I knew what type of person she was. And I basically didn't want to know her at all.
4. She wasn't getting her way with my husband, so she went to the weak link me, and didn't care how she treated me.
5. I doubt she has the power in her to apologize. This woman told me when she was calling me that her counselor said that she has a mental problem. Her father has a mental problem, and said that most likely she was needing psychological counseling from a psychiatrist and to be on medication. This woman didn't want to apologize. And when she called me with suicide, I wanted to help her (cause I am a caregiver), and she kicked me in the face. Her son was there, hes in his mid twenties, and I asked to talk to him, she wouldn't, I asked if a hospital was near by, and she said yes, I asked for the name of the hospital, to call the hospital and tell them that this woman was threatening me with suicide. But you know, what I should of done, call the police on the other line, and tell them this lady is threatening suicide to me. But I of course didn't think of that. Anyways, when we hung up I asked her if she will have her son take her to the hospital for treatment, and she said, no. That her and her son were going shopping. So a kick in my face for helping her and caring about her. It was all for her.
6. N/A

I wouldn't let the OM apologize to me even if he wanted to.

If he called my house, I'd tell him to leave me and my family alone and never call back. Then I'd hang up.

If he tried to talk to me, I would turn and walk away.

He is persona non grata and is on permanent lifetime ignore. I will not deal with him in any way. I'd be offended and angered if he tried to apologize. I neither want nor need an apology. It would be meaningless.

I knew the OW but DID NOT TRUST HER. (Which makes me think of a new topic to start).
I'm not ready to accept her apology - don't know if I will ever be.
Not quite a nonentity in my life yet.

Thanks for everyone who answered.

I wondered if an apology helped with the residual negative feelings many BS have for the OP, and if that happened very often.

I do understand that receiving an apology is not in the BS's control and I tend to believe hanging one's well-being on something you can't control isn't a good idea.

After these years of recovery, when I see the FOW, my animousity is fading toward pity, but I would like for it/her to be a non-issue...but I suppose that's yet another draw-back when the affair partners continue being co-workers, which doesn't allow for no contact.

Lor - a good topic/poll. Thanks.

1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?

Yes, we were neighbors and good friends. He and his family (W & 3 kids) were instrumental in supporting my family during our younger son's losing battle with cancer. He was a blood donor and pallbearer for my son. We have spoken only twice since the affair started. In one of those conversations he accused me of abusing my wife, being a bad father, and hiding money that could have otherwise been spent on my son's medical treatment.

2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?

No.

3) At what point of the affair?

N/A

4) Under what circumstances?

N/A

5) If not, do you think it could happen?

He might try when the fantasy collapses because he's a slimy, arrogant a$$ scumbad and he probably would think he can just make the whole thing go away.

6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP?

Possibly, it depends on the extent of remorse and whether he then immediately lays down in front of a train (proving me wrong in #5 above).

So,
1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?
Yes. Waste of time. OP totally in-love with XW. Thinks she has never lied or deceived him.

2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?
No.

3) At what point of the affair?
N/A

4) Under what circumstances?
N/A

5) If not, do you think it could happen?
No. He bought the farm and has to make it work. He is a very arrogant and selfish engineer. He used to be a good friend of mine. I used to be arrogant myself. The A took care of that.

6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP? Yes. Him apologizing would be him aknowledging he has made a mistake and that he is man enough to live with his actions. This is not the first time he has been with a MW.

1) Yes, WS invited him to Dinner Parties in the past. Furthermore he was at our house when I came home to do Plan B. I told him I loved my W before I left.
2)No
3)N/A
4)N/A
5)Who knows?
6)It would probably be irrelevant. When I married and exchanged vows it was with my W not him.

interesting topic:

1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?
Yup. Shortly after W met him she introduced him to me. Nice enough guy I thought though I was worried pretty much straight away about they way they interacted.

2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?
Nope - haven't spoken to him since. I know he has said (to W) that he didn't want to hurt me. Doh! Did he think it wouldn't??

3) At what point of the affair?
NA
4) Under what circumstances?
NA
5) If not, do you think it could happen?
Unlikely - I think he is perhaps a bit scared of me. Not that I am scary but he is very young. Perhaps now W has finished with him and he understands just the tiniest bit of the loss I felt he might realise what he contributed to but I doubt he will contact me.
6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP?
Probably would. It would show perhaps that he is grown up enough to understand the consequences of actions - after all I have learnt that the hard way through letting my M get to the stage where my W had the A. I hope he can learn something from the whole situation too.

So,
1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?

Yes, he works w/ my W. I told him I loved my W and I will fight for my M.

2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?

No, he even told me that he would be there waiting for my W after I told him I would fight for my M. The only apologies I got from him was when he said he was sorry that I had to come up to her working place to make sure he didn't try anything on the nights the two of them had to work late together. He said "I'm sorry your evening is ruined by having to come up here." I looked him dead in the eye and said "I wouldn't want to be any where else."

3) At what point of the affair?

N/A

4) Under what circumstances?

N/A

5) If not, do you think it could happen?

Not really, I doubt that he even cares. Cause he had the gumption to use his W's affair to get custody of his kids.

6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP?

Yes it would. I'd consider him to be slightly higher that the sticky stuff that keeps pond scum on the bottom of the pond. Unless there is anything lower than the sticky stuff.

S&C

I have to answer from two sides here; as the BS and as a former OW.

BS:

1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?
Yes, the day after I found out he knew her--supposedly just as a friend.

2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?
She apologized to me that day--told me nothing had happened; she had no right to confide her personal problems in my husband and thanked me for not "ripping" her a new one. It was all lies; they had already been to a motel.

3) & 4) At what point of the affair?
See #1; again the day after I found out she had slept with my husband; only one sentence to her, "If you come anywhere near my husband, I will make sure everyone in ________ city knows exactly who you are and what you've been up to." (she was all over the internet with several different men and sleeping with three or four locally, including my duped husband...)

5) If not, do you think it could happen?
N/A

6) Do you think it changed your attitude toward the OP?
No; I still despise her.

As a former OW:

1) Have you ever met or talked to the OP?
BS called me day after DDay; and several times over the course of A; even after his divorce and triangle continued, I interacted with her--he was a fence sitter.

2) Has the OP apologized to the BS?
Yes, when he ended it with me the last time to give his marriage one more shot, I wrote a letter to her (took me two days to get all the words out.) Believe it or not, it WAS sincere; I was moving on and already had plans to leave the area. I was trying to heal and deal with guilt of long-term affair, and wanted her to know of my shame and remorse.

3) At what point of the affair?
See #2; several times, but first time the day after initial DDay. My apology letter was written at end of long-term affair.

4) Under what circumstances?
via telephone the first time; many other telephone conversations and face-to-face conversations. This was an incredibly complex triangle that went on for years.

5) If not, do you think it could happen?
N/A

6) Do you think it would change your attitude toward the OP?
No, unfortunately, she thought my letter self-serving and insincere. She still hates me--who could honestly blame her. I was horribly wrong and can never make it up to her.

my move