I just need some insight from all of you. My H and I are both WS’s and BS’s. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. However, I crossed the line and had sex with the OM. H had physical contact with his EA but no sex.
Of course he didn’t admit his wrongdoings until I came clean with mine.

It’s almost been a year (March) since all of this came out. I have forgiven him. We are still together but mainly just living in the same house but separated. There is nothing emotional or physical between us. We get along really good—like friends. It’s weird.

I see my counselor once a week. That has been great for me. I have really changed. Am understanding a lot of things about the both of us.

Something that really bothers me is that he sees this as trying for him.
His definition of trying is this: we live together, he “tries” to get everything out of his head and not think about it. He doesn’t go to counseling, doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to be physical with me at all. (not even a kiss or a hug)

I am so sad because I truly think he isn’t going to want our M to work because he sees himself as trying and it’s not working. I see it all different. I want him to come to counseling with me, face it all head on. A couple of weeks ago he told me that he knows what he needs to do to help our marriage heal, but he doesn’t want to.

Last week my H was extremely sick and ended up in the ER. I stayed up all night with him taking care of him. During the middle of the night, he grabbed my hand and wrapped it over him. Sometimes I feel that he wants me and our M. But then the next day he’s distant again. I’m so confused.

From what I’ve read from other posts, I understand that he probably won’t be able to move forward until he deals with all this and can learn to forgive. How does that start? Is there any hope?

Thanks to anyone who reads this. I just needed to vent.

bump

His distance could be a way of protecting himself. I know I was guilty of that myself. Making an effort and failing can be devestating. Sometimes it is easier to not even try.

Don't give up and encourage him if you want your M.

You say you don't have anything emotional or physical with him. Do you want something emotional or physical?

You've spent 16 years together. I think you know how to garner his interest. If you want him, show it. It can be subtle things. He was once physically attracted to you and I am sure he still his. Use that.

Think about the little things you used to do. The little stuff matters a lot!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is nothing emotional or physical between us........doesn’t want to be physical with me at all. (not even a kiss or a hug)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was you H this way prior to your A?

Even though an EA is probably more destructive (in the long run) to a M than a PA, it is the PA that usually has the greatest emotional impact on men (AND women) because it's much easier to visualize a spouse in bed with another person than to visualize her/him and the OP engaging in declarations of love towards each other. And since us men are very visually oriented creatures, the PA of our wives with their OM hits us especially hard. So for that reason, your H's healing will take longer than yours to complete, so try to have some patience, understanding and give him space to work on his healing.

Your different ways of dealing with the aftermath of the A's is practically classic 'Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus'. I humbly suggest you read John Gray's book if you haven't done so already, for you may get some comfort in the knowledge that his behavior is not something out of the ordinary.

Keep us posted.

Thank you both for responding. A male point of view is what I need since my H won&#8217;t talk to me.

You are right, he is distancing himself from me. It&#8217;s been almost a year. Will that ever end? I&#8217;m trying not to give up, but it seems the more he distances himself from me the harder it gets for me to keep trying.

I do want to be physical and emotional with him. I&#8217;ve tried. He always says no. I have a lot of patience and am very loving with him. I don&#8217;t badger him to talk to me. I am happy at home. We do family things. We go to church together.

Every night I put my arm around him to show him that I&#8217;m here, I love him, I still want his love. Months and months pass by and nothing.

My H was not this way prior to the A.

I keep trying and trying but I feel I&#8217;m losing hope.

Thank you for listening to me.

I don't exactly remember where Harley said it but I do recall him saying that recovery usually takes two years after d-day. If your H's d-day is approaching the one year mark, then it seems that more time is needed for your H's recovery to be played out.

Have you read Michelle Weiner Davis 'Divorce Busting' and 'Divorce Remedy'? Even though the issue of A may not be the central focus of those books, she does touch on the subject and offers some guidelines that could help turn the tide in favor of recovery. Why don't you give them a try?

Keep us posted.

<small>[ January 15, 2003, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Whatever you do don't give up. There are many wayward spouses that have come here for guidance.
Everyone heals in their own time and it can be devastating for the one that is ready to start the healing when the other one isn't.
Do you guys discuss your EA? PA?
How does he feel? Does he share any of those things with you? Have you mentioned this site to him?
I know as the BS in my relationship it wasn't until I got on here and saw other BS's getting through it that I believed there was a chance I would get through it.
I love my husband and I can forgive him for what he has done but now I am asking myself the tough questions. How will it feel if he comes back and wants to make love? Will I think of him with her? Is it something I will be able to work through?
Can I live with the fear of it happening again?
Hope4future has a great quote at the end of her signature, it says, "Commitment isn't I will if you will it is I will."
I really like that saying.
Lisa in London is going through a similar situation and even though her BS is telling her it is over and possibly astarting an EA of his own she still isn't giving up.
Are you plan A'ing? Being loving without boundaries? Showing him what an amazing woman he has. Have you expressed regret at your A?
You know we are all human and fallable. Just because you cheated doesn't mean that your pannance is to be in limbo like this.
Can you communicate honestly with him and tell him what you need?
Tell him you love him and want to be with him. Stroke his ego. In time hopefully he will let go of the hurt and realize he won. You came back to him.
Just don't give up and keep posting.
Hugs,
Layli

Thank you all for responding.

I haven&#8217;t given up but it&#8217;s so hard. I realize he&#8217;s hurting beyond words.

We used to talk about it but the past 5 months we haven&#8217;t talked about anything. He won&#8217;t.

I feel I am plan A&#8217;ing really well. Counseling has been wonderful for me. I&#8217;ve learned a lot about myself and why this happened. Why I made these mistakes.

Sometimes I feel like I should just leave and let him move on to love someone else.
March will be one year since it all came out. I wish he would let me hold him. If he would let me put my arms around him I would be so happy.

I&#8217;m just having a bad week.
Thanks to all of you I&#8217;m going to get through it.