I have been through a lot in the last year and have come the conclusion that my M was going to fail. After expressing my wanting to D, my wife has shown (maybe) a bit of regret. Just some of the things she says and does. For example, after telling her I wanted a D too, I received an email telling me she was hurt to know I wanted to leave her too. After telling her I was leaving for the weekend, she was wanting to know where I was going, I told her last night I had plans... she wanted to know who with and what I was going to do. I answer with just a generic reply, even though I was just going out by myself. This morning she came and lied down beside me and put my arm around her and just laid there for a little while before she got ready for work. But she is always asking when we can go sign the papers. This morning she was sending me text messages telling me she wanted to be friends, she wanted people to see us getting along. She wanted me to setup a room in the basement and in the other house, she wanted me to do great.
I just don't know what to think. I know many of you have told me she is confused still and doesn't know how to get out of the mess she has created. I think this is a lot of her problem, but I don't know if I want it any more. Why should I settle for being second best for her? Not that OM has left her, but after she has done everything, why should I? She has told me how they fight and there is a lot she doesn't like about him, but she is unwilling to commit to me. Once again I am so full of anxiety I can't stand it. I have so much hate built up, but I still care about her. Where do I find the happy medium?

CD -

Yup - Very possible.

My suggestion to you is to continue pullng away from her. Possible PLAN-B time.

She wants her freedom from you so she will not feel guilt for her actions, but she wants you on the string at the same time because losing you is not comprehensible to her. Show her what divorcing you would be like to her. It sounds like she NEEDS that wake up call.

CD:

Kily is right.

" I think this is a lot of her problem, but I don't know if I want it any more."

And this is exactly YOUR CALL. How do you feel about her? Really. plan B is intended to be a way of preserving your love for her and give her the chance to see what DV will be like. I don't personally want to try plan B, but I could even be proven wrong about its efficacy if this stalemate I'm in doesn't improve.

"Why should I settle for being second best for her?"

You shouldn't. Plain and simple.

"Not that OM has left her, but after she has done everything, why should I?"

No reason. If you're done, you're done.

"She has told me how they fight and there is a lot she doesn't like about him, but she is unwilling to commit to me."

If this wasn't your life, it would be hilarious. I would bet that the A won't last long if you go to plan B. Maybe even just what you've done by letting her wonder about you being willing to leave her has started waking her up. And... ...just imagine the fights they'll have when you're not meeting ANY of her needs and OM HAS TO meet them all. Wish I were a fly on the wall for that one...

"Once again I am so full of anxiety I can't stand it. I have so much hate built up, but I still care about her. Where do I find the happy medium?"

Maybe you don't. But just remember that the hate isn't for HER, it's for this idiotic behavior she's espoused. I hope that helps.

-Qfwfq

As you have been told before, if you want a divorce, get one. If you don't want a divorce, don't get one. If you aren't sure, don't get on. You can always do it later but you can't "take back" a divorce.

I just don't know what to think. I know many of you have told me she is confused still and doesn't know how to get out of the mess she has created.
This is what Plan A does. It gives the ws someone (you) to be able to hang onto without fear of being ridiculed or being told, "see what you get!"

But she is always asking when we can go sign the papers.
WS's usually want to get it over quick because then they won't have a chance to look at it closer and have second thoughts about what they did. They usually DO have regrets anyway.

<small>[ January 15, 2003, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

It sounds like she is having 2nd thoughts. I would just continue on your path, and work on yourself. Let her workon herself, and see the changes in you.

But don't let her control you. The WS does this to get what they want. They have the OP and then they have their spouse. Good deal isn't it.

Pray for guidance, and give it to God. I am trying to give it all to God. Just am having a hard time, but I am feeling less stress than a months ago.

Also, I am with 2 good counselors. One is for battered wives. And the other is a christian counselor that works with couples in difficult marriages. He has given me a book to read. It is called Boundaries, and he gave me a workbook yesterday to do. It goes along with the book. He knows I am short on money, so he gave me the old workbook, and I can keep it and write in it. I am learning more about myself. I am learnging how to be a better person. And I am learning that I am a valuable person.

You are a valuable person. Being 2nd place to your wife you are not. But being the only person to your wife you can be. Just set boundaries, and stick with them. Act in the manner you are, getting along, doing things, and being polite.

citydweller,

Could you afford conseling w/ MB ?. Do it if you can, speically when you need to decide plan A or plan B.

Another thing, why signing the paper have to be together ... is your Dv finalized ? or just starting the process ?

In your oppinions, is OM ready to take her ? how is your marital history ? any good kodak moments in your M ?. What changes you have make to show her about your plan A ... doormat is not plan A ...

-rh-

CD,
I resisted even reading this because it seems to me that you are asking questions, but not listening to your own heart. I know that you are confused and seem to be ready to end the marriage just to end the arguments. Many people have given you great advice here and encouraged you to look past the FOG that your W is in and decide what you want for yourself...

If you want to end the relationship FOR GOOD, then go ahead and sign the papers.

If you are not sure, then DO NOT sign them now. It is not a decision to make just because you are tired of fighting for your marriage. She is NOT in a stable relationship with the OM and is giving you lots of mixed signals.

Time is on your side either way, don't be rushed into any decision that you will regret. take a deep breath, step back and re-evaluate the reasons for fighting for or ending your marriage.
You cannot control her emotions, she cannot control her own emotions right now. You take care of you!

I must ask you if you have taken earlier advice to get professional help. This is not a decision to be made with the help of strangers even if we are all well-meaning. Please consider calling the Harleys for help, it is costly but a divorce is not exactly cheap. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Looks like the infatuation stage with OM is coming to a close... and she starts seeing him for what he is. At this point, I guess she fears to end up between a rock and hard place, ie losing you and him. All told, your actions force her to stop fence-sitting - good. Carry on. whether she'll drop from the fence into your garden or OM's is largely up to her, but you can make it sound promising that she would have a home if she would return to you. The entry ticket? she knows it - drop OM, stop contact.

I feel she is thinking things over, but just doesn't know what is best. Yesterday she came to me and asked to talk.... then said she just needed a hug. Again thanking me for being a friend and telling me how cunfused she is. I asked for a kiss then took it. I havn't hadf one for awhile. She had dinner plans so we went our own ways. She sent me text thanking me for helping her out (at the daycare) and for the kiss. !WOW! I didn't expect that.Another one telling me she wanted to be with us. Must be just talk because if she wanted to be here she would have. When she did come home and was going to sleep she didn't feel good and couldnt sleep. I asked her to comew and lay down in bed as she has choosen to sleep on the couch. She did and I was able to hold her most of the night. She is still sick this morning so I opened the daycare. I told her I was going out of town this weekend, she is dieing to know where and with who. I'm just hitching a ride with a friend and going to see my sisters. I wonder if her being sick is a away to try to keep me home, intentionaly or unintentionaly. I can't show interest in fixing things because that brought nothing but her pushing away. Ever since I have acted like I want the D she is different. I am ready for the D, bvut if she was toask to try I would be open to that as well. I might be able to delay paper till Mon. but after that I will be signing. Hope you can understand this, I am in a bit of a hurry.

CD

CD,

Before giving any advice, I want you to do a search for all of my threads on here and take the time to read the progression of my story. I too am in the military and was deployed to Bosnia when wife did what she did. I read your story, and see myself and my wife 9 months ago. if you do not want to make the same mistakes I have, if you want to see where you are probably headed, then read all of my story and posts and then see the latest in my saga. Then, since your wife is so similar to mine, and are situations are so similar, maybe you will know what to do and will have confidence in it. Then post back here and lets talk. I just hope I can save you from some of the hell I have gone thru.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CD, when you DO read MM's threads, make sure you have a weekend alone to do it! I can honestly state with some accuracy here, that his story is LONGER than his Sig line! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MM: Absolutely no offense meant! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care,
-Qfwfq

thanks all. I don't think I want it any more. Atleast that is how I am feeling at this moment. I can't stop thinking of how thoughtless she is and what she is doing with OM. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to take it.
Need to feel better for myself, and she just keeps me down. Does this mean I am don't love her? am I weak?
Lost again.
CD

CD:

I know exactly where you are at. EXACTLY! you need to check out my threads and see how similar our situations really are. Once you do, then lets post here and I can show you where you are probably headed. And hopefully you wont make the same mistakes I did.

I too have been at the point of not wanting my M. Recently, I gave up and started divorce process. But if you read my lates thread, it was at this point, after the affair has run its course, and after I had stopped pursuing her, it was then that the possibility of it coming back may have occurred.

like I said, check it out. T-zero is right (and no offense taken)...the threads are long. but I think, after following your threads for so long, that you will see our situations are similar.

In His Arms.

From the title of the thread, you are still wondering.
My answer is that I have no idea.

need to feel better for myself, and she just keeps me down. Does this mean I am don't love her? am I weak?
Your human, you don't know everything, in short, you are like the rest of us.

Lost again.
You have communicated to us some of the feelings you have gotten when you have been the most focused. I think you should go with them.

You still need to be nice, and who knows, but you should go have a plan and go ahead with it. It really would do you good to read MM's threads. You need to see his failures, as much as his successes. It will help you when you get to those tight spots when you don't know what to say to her.

I hope that you have faith that you will be OK. You need faith and hope to get through the bad times. Don't give up on yourself, you have great ability to cope, we can see that. While no one is perfect, you have done much better than average, and you need to know that. Many would have moved out the day they came home from deployment, I hope you give yourself some credit.

SS

MM, I have read your post and I see alot in common with your situation. I have come to think my M is over as well. I have not let go completely But do not want the pain any more. I feel from reading your post that I need to do a strong plan B. This is hard for me because we are still in the same home and she is still comming to me and wanting to talk when she needs comfort. OK, I can look at this two ways. First, I can do a great plan A and be there for her showing her she has a safe place to come when she needs it. however, second, I am allowing her to fence sit. I am meeting the needs she isn't getting from OM. If I go I push her to him and he will be forced to fill all of her needs. Don't think its going to happen. Knowing my W, she may settle for what he has to offer until she is ready to moved on. By that time we are finished and would I want to take her back? Maybe, I don't know. Or she doesn't settle but is not humble enough to come and tell me she made a mistake, more so after I cut off communication with her. We had talked about me moveing into a room in the basement but nothing firm. The other day she sent me a text that said she wanted me to have a room in the b asement and also set myself up in the other house.
She has changed abit since I told her I also wanted a D. She has come to me for a hug, or to talk and even let me give her a big kiss. (and thanked me for it later) I left for the weekend not telling her where or with who I was going. I think it is killing her not knowing. She has called me several times fo rlittle things and asked where I was. She got a bit defencive when I asked her why she wanted to know. It is so hard, I want to call and tell her I miss her and wish she was with me, but That didn't do any good before. She is planning a trip to Florida next week for her birthday, ofcourse Om is going. So I can not give in and plan on moveing to other house when I get back. I don't know how good I can do with the no contact, but feel I need to stop being there for her. I'm just scared it will make things impossible.

CD

CD,
I believe one of your greatest struggles is knowing what to do, and doing just that. I think you sometimes see hope that things may get better and it stops you, and you have to look at everything all over again.

I believe you have gotten good advice and I believe you prayed and believe you got some answers.

Next would be to take those answers and make a firm plan on how you are going to do what you feel you should do.

Write down your options, one per sheet of paper.
Draw a line down the middle of the paper and lable one side Pros, and the other cons. Things like staying in the house, or leaving it. List the pros, and cons and then pray about what seems the best.

After you list these items and pray about them, go and do them. When she talks to you just give her fog back, "yes dear, that's nice" or "whatever you say dear."

Go on and do what you need to do and take your life back. Then see what happens. Start living based on what is best for you, and your daughters, not on what she says and does from day to day.

I think you already know what you need to do, work out the plan and get after it.

SS

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

OK, I have gotten alot of advise. I have to make a dissicion that is very hard to make. I have been told not to move out and stay in my home, but She is at a point that She can't stand to be " trapped" in her own home. I am going to get the papers back and give them to her. She said she wanted to have a lawyer look them over, so I may as well have her serve me. BUT I really want to get it all over with, I would try to work things out but she is unwilling. She is leaving for her B-day for a week, I plan to move out and leave her a plan B letter. I feel that that will be the only way she will see what it will be like. Right now she is getting the support and help she needs but with no commitment to me. So I need to leave, I just don't want to leave a bad tast in her mouth. So I will probable be posting a letter for review sometime this week.
CD

CD:

My suggestion is to take your kids with you when you move out.

Or is that not a possibility?

Yes it is a possibility, we will have a place in each home they can call tier own. I plan on having them with me, so when she returns from her trip she will come home to an empty house.

I am so bothered by the fact that she is going away with OM for a week. Should I tell her how I feel or show no interest? It is killing me, Help!!
CD

I think at this point staying/not staying is a moot point. After the papers have been filed, the reasons for staying change. Leaving before can be construed as abondenment in some states.

Now that the papers are filed you need to just worry about what is best for you and your daughters.

AS far as her spending a week with OM. I believe that's why you are going ahead with the D. Really there was nothing you could do to prevent her A in the first place, and there is nothing you can do to prevent this. As we have said, you can be the best CD you can be, you can live the way you should, you can plan your future life and start to carry out the plan. I think if there was anything you could say that would make a difference, you would have said it already. If you read around much on this site, you will know that when they are in the fog, they almost never respond to logic, or words of love and kindness. ( the addiction thing, remember that.)

You can tell by now what kind of person OM is.
What kind of person knowingly takes a married women with him on a 1 week trip?

At this point, don't worry about saying things to her, put all your thought and strength into your childrens future.

I read your sig line again and see your daughters are older than your marriage. Are they yours from a different marriage, or hers? If they are yours, that would explain why she doesn't seem so concerned for them. I didn't understand before, but that may explain some things, at least to me.

CD, I know you still love her and you can't understand her. There is no logic for what is happening here. Don't try to make sense of it. Just look ahead for your self, and get busy making your own future. You have a lot of work to do, those daughters need you and they need to know things will be OK. Be strong, and show them that it will.

SS