Things have come to a head. I told him this morning that I didn't want him here, if he can't promise me total NC. He says he respects that, that he's put me through hell and can't argue with my toleration-failure. He's gone to a motel for the night, and says he's trying to sort out somewhere to stay in the longer term.

This has come after six months of determined rebuilding. He has done everything possible to rebuild except agree to permanent NC with OW. Told me 'it was over, but you don't understand that because you can't see into my head.' He hasn't actually seen her since July 02, but she pushed herself back into his life in December (informing his brother of the affair), and there have since been several long phone calls 'to resolve things', long passionate emails from her, presents and a letter from her, and finally on Monday he went round to her place 'out of curiosity'(didn't see her). Said he knew it was a bad thing to do, but managed not to think about that while he was doing it.

He's adhered to the openness and honesty policy in telling me about all the contacts, and clearly feels that this is such a change in him, he should be given credit and toleration for 'setbacks' in his withdrawal process. He feels it will take time to end such an intense relationship (and she is soul-mating him to Olympic standard). Feels that not actually seeing her represents the end of the affair. But communication of this sort is still an EA, right? This is cake-and-eat-it-time, isn't it?

I know I have to state my boundaries and stick to them. I've tried so hard and I'm at the end of my rope. I know this is the healthiest thing for me and the kids. So why do I feel so bad? How has he managed to make me feel guilty about this?

TA,

Have you been in Plan A for long? I know you are probably going through hell right now but it sounds like you did the right thing. What you were doing was NOT working. And as long as you were in Plan A for some time, this may be the right decision.

As far as setting down boundaries, you know you have nothing to feel guilty about. He may try to make you feel guilty, but you have a responsibilty to protect yourself and your children against his persistence to do you harm. I would only add that since you have put down a line, I wouldn't waver lest it cause even more damage. So sorry you are in this position.

Oh dear. FOUR affairs? Is this a way of life with him?

As long as there is contact with the OW, this is the best thing. We were counseling with the Harleys during his affair. The contact was still there everyday. The Harleys told my husband to leave that night, get a hotel, but get out until the contact is over. He wouldn't, said it is his house. One thing the WS does not see, is the pain this puts on the BS. He doesn't see the hurt in your heart. He doesn't see that what he is doing is being unthoughtful to you. My hsuband didn't see this, and I tore apart inside. I see now with reading the books, and experiences of others. Having the spouse out of the house, while they are in their fullfledged contact, is the best thing. They can resolve their issues with the OP, without being in your ears. They will have to realize that they can't eat their cake and have ice-cream too.

I would say, tell your husband that being away is the best thing for you and the children. Talk about the unthoughtfulness when he is talking to her, and what it is doing to the marriage.

Get counseling with the Harleys, they can help you, or individual counseling would be great for you too.

Your teenagers are being torn, by dads actions. They are really going to hurt. Our kids are hurt badly. They have had a family for so long, and to have this family split, they are 16-25 (4 in all) and this is so hard for my heart to see our kids hurting.

You need to start setting boundaries. There is a book called Boundaries, and it is good. It will help you set boundaries with your hsuband, help you to cope, and and to cope with the kids. This is going to be a rough road, I have lost weight, aged, and my heart is literallytorn. I am asking God to help me, and help me become a better person.

You are a wonderful person, keep yourself above the water.

Together, so sorry to read your post....brought back alot of painful memories for me and I understand how you feel after all your hard work at reconcilation and rebuilding.
My H's OW was one of the world's best emailers, all about how they were soulmates, brought together by GOD (!!), so much passion, yada yada yada....UGH! Such "fun" to read...better to take a knife to my heart. He could just not let her go, and through out the DV process so far, he has told me she is a very good friend...I"ll bet she is... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I hope he wakes up and comes to his senses for your sake. By the way, all the emails I found are now in the hands of my attorney. Hate to be negative, but since this is his 4th affair, (it was my H's 3rd) please make copies and keep them in a safe place. If you have any copies of his replys, even better. For your sake. Take care.

I have been in Plan A since July, even before I came across SAA and MB. It seemed the only possible thing to do, if we were to salvage anything.

Melody, on d-day he broke down and told me that he'd led a double life since even before we'd met, twenty years ago. There had been an addiction to prostitutes, then three short and shallow affairs, then OW#4, with whom he's been in some kind of Barbara Cartland novel, and with whom he managed to stop the SA. I think this is why he's so scared to lose her completely - he doesn't know if the problem will return without her. I got him to agree to see a psychiatrist about this, but I don't know that he'll keep that up without me pushing it. (OW doesn't think that there's anything wrong with him; he's been cured by their Beauty and Strength, poor baby.) This has all come as a profound shock to his family, as well as me.

Broken, the brought-together-by-God comment actually made me smile! It was so recognisable. Do you think they have a WS handbook somewhere, full of these vomit-inducing phrases?

I've worked so hard on repairing this...and so has he. But these six months have been full of tension, apprehension, the 'gut feeling' that his addictive tendency is on him again. Tonight, now he's gone, I know I don't want him back, don't want that life back.

This is The Moment I've been dreading. The future looks like a big empty playing field at midnight, bleak and lonely. I just have to trust this painful logic...he won't change unless he has to, and I've been making it too easy for him to vacillate. I don't think he can resist her, I think I've lost him. It's for the best. I have to stay strong.

My heart aches reading your story!

I agree with the others that you should look into counseling if you are not already doing that. For the sake of you and your kids you need NC and you need to work on yourself and to heal your heart. NC was the best thing to happen to me, I have found that I have a life outside of my M. I have been doing counseling myself and I have noticed the days seem to be a little brighter and a little better than before.

I think there must be a workbook that the OP's read before starting an affair, I too have read all those emails that make you want to vomit!

TogetherAlone-Stay strong for yourself and for your kids!

I slept surprisingly well, and felt calm this morning.

<self-pity mode ON>

But I've just noticed that he's changed his email password - he's done that every time we have a major disagreement about his behavior. 'Openness and honesty' only seem to be on offer if I'm 'making nice' and going along with what he wants. I'm so tired of being disappointed by him, by being hit with something else that loses more of my respect and faith.

When he left last night he was clearly angry. He's got angry every time I point out his illogic, every time I ask him for something he doesn't want to do.

I don't recognise this man. How can he be both the lively, kind man I married, and this scowling selfish little boy? Has all of him been a lie always? I know that OW has forced him to bring this whole thing to a head, forced him to tell me in the hope that he'd be ejected and made available for her. Otherwise he planned to 'tell me on his deathbed'. Kind, huh? I don't really know how much of what he's told me is HIM, and how much has been her using him as a ventriloquist's dummy.

Is there any hope? I'm beginning to realise that he'd have to be practically rebuilt from scratch to be worth having as a partner. I think he longs to mend himself, but he's torn between letting OW just take over his life, and starting on the long haul task of self-examination.

To meet my conditions for rebuilding, he'd have to open up his whole life to me, and have to exert genuine self-discipline and self-sacrifice. I thought he had a lot of those qualities, but that was H#1...not H#2 who was a secret and completely unknown man. How can I tell which is the real him?

<self-pity mode OFF>

Everyone has told me that I should have kicked him out long ago - how the truth emerges! Even the kids were pleased, believe it or not, and they've been fabulous. I'm so proud of them.

TA,

It looks like he is exceptionally good at lying and concealing his true self, in addition to a lifelong committment to an adulterous lifestyle. Granted, he just got caught, but do you really think that he is going to change at this late date?

This is not a minor aberrance in behavior, but a WAY OF LIFE. A way of life he has demonstrated that he is in no way willing to change. This is very different from someone who strays from normal faithful behavior.

I guess the question comes down to this, TA, can you accept him the WAY HE IS?