my story (as briefly as possible):

married 14 years, never argue, happiest couple around according to me, family and friends, just spent the last year planning and building and finally moving into our 'dream home' on november 9th. picked everything out all the way down to the door knobs. wife reminds me constantly how "lucky we are". i think things are GREAT!!

NO INDICATION, WHATSOEVER, OF ANY PROBLEM AT ALL.

november 30th W doesn't come home from work. no phone call. rolls in at 530am with some ridiculous BS story that i buy, but remain skeptical. maybe she DID go out with the girls and time got away <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

december 5th calls from work at 1015 to tell me things are wrapping up and she'll be home within the hour. 1130 rolls by, 1230, 130, cell turned off. hmmmmm. something wrong here for sure. finally get her on the phone at 230 and she sounds high. i ask WTF is going on and she says she's drinking with friends. well, it was quiet and i could damn near see that she was laying in bed with some guy. I COULD FEEL IT. i say "i can't believe that this is happening. you're in bed with some guy so don't bother to come home because it's all over". she says okay and hangs up.

i'm pi$$ed, shocked, hurt and shaking. i can't believe this. 630, 730, 830. no show. i think i did call her around 7am and she admitted that she was with some guy named shawn. sheese!

9am i start calling lawyers to find out what she can get and what my rights are. turns out that adultry isn't all that (WHY?) and she can get half and maybe the house with me paying and maybe half my income from my biz for the next 30 months as well. holy CHIT. she does THIS, i get hurt and they get to ride off into the sunset with half the stuff i worked my whole 47 years for??!!

she gets home early afternoon and tells me she's sorry for hurting me but wants a divorce. hmmmmm 14 years and all it takes is a 2 week fling to throw it all away? jesus!

we discuss division of property (what she wants) and it's pretty steep in my book but not nearly what the 2 lawyers i talked to said she could get, so i agree. i call the lawyer and tell him the deal and he asks me to come in right away. he explains that, since she didn't mention the biz and isn't trying to get the house that it is in my best interest to get her to sign up asap. i tell him to draw it up and head back home.

on the way home i buy a half gallon of whiskey and start my binge. she gets verbally abused all weekend. she's sleeping in the spare room. she takes my son to her christmas party on monday with her "boyfriend"?! WTF?!

no eating for me. no sleeping for me. drinking is all there is (i learned since then it was not a good idea and have since quit that chit).drank all thru the holidays though. my family and her family spent the holidays at my house. i had support but wasn't in the mood for anything. screw christmas.

i went thru angry periods where i wanted to kick "his" [censored], where i wanted to kill them, where i wanted to kill myself, then i went thru sad periods and hurt periods. this was a feeling that i have never experienced before and wouldn't wish it for anybody else in the whole world except them. ugh!

this is crazy. i'm 47, she's 40 (turning 40 in october really bothered her) and she leaves me and her new custom home for a 29 year old minimum wage 'ladies' man that has a new gal on his arm every 2 weeks. AND HE LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER!!! LMFAO!! "I love shawn" UGH!!

she doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. now she's drinking regularly, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot and snorting coke. WTF happened to my doll of a wife that volunteers all over this small community and goes to church every sunday? nobody can BELIEVE what's happening here.

i find this site and try plan A as hard as that is to me. man! i love this woman and i'll try anything to get her back at this point. well, she still wants to be "FRIENDS" with me but has decided that shawn is her man now and forever. she's not budging. i'm cold over the phone and she wants to be friends? plan A was not for me. i was now starting to lose my self-respect.

last friday she calls me at 3am from the state police barracks. she's been arrested for DUI and can i help her out. i tell her "NOPE" and she hangs up. my beautiful wife that doesn't drink now has a DUI and all day saturday it's being broadcast over the local radio station in our small county. EVERYBODY KNOWS IT NOW!

she calls me tuesday and says that if i had helped her that things probably would/could have been different. WTF does THAT mean? she bursts down crying. she doesn't KNOW what that means and she's confused and this hasn't been easy on HER either.

this was the short version. sorry for rambling.

what do i do now? she's in a big jam. 50% of me wants her back and 50% doesn't want her back.

i read this board damn near everyday and need some advice from you good folks.

i'm back to about 80% of normal but this crap with her 'maybe' playing with my head drags me back down.

what do i do now?

thanks in advance for any suggestions and help.

like i said, this is the brief version and i'll be here to answer any questions about my situation.

thanks,

Jack

btw

we signed separation agreement, she's already signed the deed back to me and the divorce should be finalized by the end of february.

seems kinda fast to me but i think i should go thru the divorce no matter what and if things can be worked out just start back over from scratch again. after the divorce the property is hers/mine and i don't stand to lose a lot of the other things she COULD have gotten. know what i mean?

i KNOW this is just a fling and she will realize her mistake and want to come back but i have to cover my [censored] right now, right?

i'll save the "coming back" questions for that time if it ever happens.

Jack,

Sorry you are in so much pain. In addition to talking to the lawyers do you have a MC or IC to provide support for you also? What about your children? Are they in a safe place?

Please let us know how you are doing.

L.

in mid december i tried to get an appointment with a psychiatrist but couldn't get an appointment until march. I NEEDED HELP THEN!

they did call tonight with a cancellation and i might go tomorrow, but like i said, i'm back to about 80% and needed him THEN, not now.

i did go for my yearly check-up with the family doctor and he gave me lexapro but i decided that i didn't need drugs to get by and never took any of those. i'll see him again next week.

my son stays with me 3.5 days a week and her the other 3.5. me and my son have a strong relationship. he doesn't approve of his mother's behavior but i don't say much about her to him. i just try to make me and him stronger.

thanks for the reply!

my son did tell me that they are saving their money (WW and OP) so they can move to tiajuanna mexico and open a bar? LMAO. does this sound like highschool kids dreaming or what?

mid-life crisis?

#1 How many kids do you have? Ages?
#2 Is your wife still living at home?
#3 What is her "stance" right now? Is she saying she's confused? Is she still planning on leaving and divorcing? Would she be willing to do marriage counseling?
#4 Have you told her you love her and want to work on your marriage together? Have you told her you are willing to work with her to deal with any problems in the marriage (whether you were aware of them or not).

Her actions do sound like classic MLC.

As far as the divorce goes, the difficulty with pushing it forward is that the WS tends to figure they will never be forgiven so they harden their stance. This happened to a friend of mine who filed very quickly against her WS. He never had time to wake up. If you do continue it you should make it clear to your wife that you still do want your M.

You need to make it clear you can forgive her and give her an idea of what she has to do to make it happen. Don't lay it out as a demand- more as what you need from her to restore the marriage.

Wow Jack I am so sorry to hear your story.

"married 14 years, never argue, happiest couple around according to me, family and friends"

Aren't we all?

"turns out that adultry isn't all that (WHY?) and she can get half and maybe the house with me paying and maybe half my income from my biz for the next 30 months as well. holy CHIT. she does THIS, i get hurt and they get to ride off into the sunset with half the stuff i worked my whole 47 years for??!!"

Ain't the law a ***** sometimes? I too am a business owner and my WW will get half also.

"i buy a half gallon of whiskey and start my binge"

No good I am glad you stopped that.

"i went thru angry periods where i wanted to kick "his" [censored], where i wanted to kill them, where i wanted to kill myself, then i went thru sad periods and hurt periods"

You are going through the steps of grief. I think it is safe to say we have all gone through those same feelings. You will finally come to acceptance, that is a good place to be. You will accept that the A is going to happen no matter what you do. You need to accept that fact and use your strength to work on yourself so then maybe you can heal your marriage later. I would suggest you get a counselor, the Harley's are wounderful! I use them for my M and I have another counselor to work on my own issues.

"this is crazy. i'm 47, she's 40 (turning 40 in october really bothered her) and she leaves me and her new custom home for a 29 year old minimum wage 'ladies' man that has a new gal on his arm every 2 weeks. AND HE LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER!!! LMFAO!! "I love shawn" UGH!!"

This would be funny if it was not happening to you. I am sorry to hear this but the fog is thick around your WW.

"now she's drinking regularly, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot and snorting coke"

This is serious for you and your son! What does your lawyer suggest about this? Does the coke have an effect on the Dv if it comes to that? Can you prove her coke use?

"she still wants to be "FRIENDS" with me but has decided that shawn is her man now and forever"

They all want to be "Freinds."

"she's been arrested for DUI and can i help her out. i tell her "NOPE" and she hangs up"

Good for you! Let her see the damage she is doing to herself and know that you will not support this new lifestyle she has chosen! Things would have been different if you had helped her out, she would know that you are a "doormat" and that she can have her cake and eat it too! Good for you, set your limits!

"she's confused and this hasn't been easy on HER either"

She made her own bed, so to speak, now she has to deal with the consequenses.

"i'm back to about 80% of normal but this crap with her 'maybe' playing with my head drags me back down"

This is why I would suggest a plan B, but only AFTER you have tried a plan A!

Bottom line, for my own sanity I would suggest plan B. BUT, there are many people better qualified to answer that question than me. Have you sent her a plan A letter? Have you told her that you would accept her back if she let the OM go and agree with NC? Would you accept her back? Only you know if you want your M to work, if you are not sure than fight for it to work. It is always easier to file later than to stop the process once it is started.

#1 How many kids do you have? Ages?

one 15 y o son

#2 Is your wife still living at home?

D day was friday and she was moved out by the following wednesday

#3 What is her "stance" right now? Is she saying she's confused? Is she still planning on leaving and divorcing? Would she be willing to do marriage counseling?

she flat out refused counciling even when i told her that it was for me only. "just do it for me", i said. she should have the court papers in her hands tomorrow and plans on consenting to the divorce.

#4 Have you told her you love her and want to work on your marriage together? Have you told her you are willing to work with her to deal with any problems in the marriage (whether you were aware of them or not).

abosolutely. i went through that a few weeks ago when she came over and we talked for about 3 hours (after i discovered this site). i explained to her that i now knew that i wasn't providing her the EN that she needed and now that i KNEW about them, i could fix all that easily. she had to "think about it" and she's still with OP.

You need to make it clear you can forgive her and give her an idea of what she has to do to make it happen. Don't lay it out as a demand- more as what you need from her to restore the marriage.

i agree and am working on a plan but i WON'T take her back unless it's for the right reasons. i'm not going to let her back because she got in trouble. i think she's starting to realize that she made a mistake but doesn't know how to approach me about reconciling. although, she acts like the happiest girl in the world when with this guy. who knows?

My BIG concern is the DUI .... drugs + alcohol + driving a car can get people (or people's SON) killed!

Document her drug-taking and DUI as best you can .... keep YOUR SON away from danger.

If your WW wishes to ride on a runaway train ... you cannot stop her ... but you damn well can stop her from taking your kid along for the joyride! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Talk to your attorney about your legal parameters regarding her DUI ... and all that concerns your child's welfare.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Jack you should not feel guilty about not wanting help her out. She made her bed and needs to face the consequences. Hopefully it will help shake her up and realize the damage that she has done to you and her marriage. Don't allow yourself to get pulled into her drama. She needs to experience "tough love". That means letting her experience the consequences of walking on the wild side. That is how rebellious teenagers grow up.

Still Trying To Save It: thanks for the reply, man!

i'm certainly no expert either but i think it might be time for plan B. that's what i'm asking you folks. it seems that after i talk to her, i get dragged back down. i think i'm doing fairly well considering everything i've gone through.

just tell her that i don't want anymore contact with her until she stops seeing this guy? that i am here for her now and willing to make things great for her without punishment, that i forgive her, but it's going to take a lot of work from both of us to make the M work?

i really think the divorce should go through. i can't take a chance that she comes back and leaves again 3 months down the road with a BETTER DEAL. we can always get married again, right? hey, right now, i don't trust her at all.

afterall, she's in trouble and hasn't made any suggestions about reconcilation until the trouble. i 'think' she was coming around on tuesday but i think it's because of the trouble she's in. i need her to come back for the RIGHT reasons.

i'm facing it....she's having PA that won't last, i'd bet my leg on it, so what's the difference, at this point, if she comes back now or 6 months down the road. i KNOW she will want to come back. i shouldn't rush it, right?

just asking...

jack55,

This is my 2¢. I don't believe plan A will work for you ... unless you have a lot of issues that are your reponsibilities which I didn't detect it here. Correct me if I am wrong. You should do "tough love", learn from Orchid how to do reversed babbled ... basically, you have to tell her that you still love her with all of your heart but you have your boundry and still believe that M could work if both party are willing. Jack, there is nothing you could but now you have to be a father. You have to protect your kids, your kids future and your finances. She has a problem ... she has to deal with it and you have to be there to catch her ... You have to stop being enabling her. It is good that you make her responsible for her own DIU. I would get the lawyer to draft up that you will be having your kids until she graduate from AA/NA ... get her tested & supervise visitation .... The situation here is let her hit rock bottom the sooner the better .... until then you should stop enabling her !!!. Delay your Dv as long as possible ... talk with your lawyer, any proceed she will snort them, sorry.

Which states do you live ? hope it is not Golden States.

-rh-

PS: check the link on enablement under my signature ....

Talk to your attorney about your legal parameters regarding her DUI ... and all that concerns your child's welfare.

first thing tomorrow morning. THANKS!

i can't prove and she does not admit to the drugs, but it's a definite.

another question:

i give her $1000 per month child support. can i get that reduced since he's living with me half the time? do you think i can get full custody because of something like this? i guess i'll ask lawyer that in the morning too.

P.S. Now that your wife has been arrested on a DUI you should have no problems getting full custody of your children. In fact, you would be negligent as a parent if you allowed your children to live with your wife in her present state of mind (drinking,drugs,partying). She should see the children only under supervision.

JMHO...finish the divorce! Right now your W is deep in what MB terms "THE FOG"...protect yourself AND your son. While I'm not usually one who supports not having an equalitable division during a divorce, it sounds as if this OM would only go through whatever your W received in short order. This is also your son's future we're talking about, therefore, I feel that you would are at this time the best one to look out for his finacially future.

It's very possible that once your W comes down out of the clouds, she may well realize what she has thrown away. Maybe, if you're still willing, the two of you may be able to reunite, but as things stand today...I'd get the divorce.

I also agree that you need to really talk to your son about his mom's drinking. While you don't want to "bad mouth" her, you also want to impress on him, that no matter where, no matter what time, no matter who is involved...if someone is drinking...he NEVER allows himself to be a passanger. That you'll come get him wherever he is if the only other choice is to get into a car with a driver who has been drinking...even his mom.

The "maybe things would have been different"...is only a backward slap at you for not bailing her butt out of jail. She wants to downplay her actions of getting there, while blaming you for her situation. This was NOT your fault...it was totally her choice to drink and drive and it was RIGHT that she sit in jail!!!! JMHO

I would get the lawyer to draft up that you will be having your kids until she graduate from AA/NA ... get her tested & supervise visitation

great stuff. i'll see what the lawyer says in the morning and let you guys know.

thanks!

i am almost positive that i should get the divorce finalized asap because she could have done a lot better. i do have to protect me first, right?

i DO want her back and everybody tells me i shouldn't take her back, but deep down, i know she'll be back (i hope so anyway) but under my terms where i can't get "USED".

she has to come back for all the RIGHT reasons, not because she got into trouble and needs me for that. right?

P.S. Now that your wife has been arrested on a DUI you should have no problems getting full custody of your children. In fact, you would be negligent as a parent if you allowed your children to live with your wife in her present state of mind (drinking,drugs,partying). She should see the children only under supervision.

of course! i can't believe i didn't think of that. will talk to lawyer first thing in the morning. it sounds like you're right about this.

of course, they're not guilty until proven guilty. see what happens.

The "maybe things would have been different"...is only a backward slap at you for not bailing her butt out of jail. She wants to downplay her actions of getting there, while blaming you for her situation. This was NOT your fault

thank you, i needed that! appreciate your concern <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

this place is GREAT!

i'm thinking, after reading all the replies, and after my initial thoughts, that i should start plan B. i'm terrible at letter writing, so is there a place on this site with some good examples of plan B letters?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jack55:
<strong>[b]......i am almost positive that i should get the divorce finalized asap because she could have done a lot better. i do have to protect me first, right? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, Jack no !!!. If you Dv now, she will blew away 50% of family money ... you should drag it longer .... Her OM will treat her like a dirt once she has no $ to buy drink & coke .... Take the kids to protect them, delay your Dv as long as possible, the only one that you have to pay is temporary SS ... no more CS. I would off get your lawyer to delay it with all means and tactics. She sounded like at the bottom and what you need to do is be there for her ... let her know your concerned but let her know too that you love her still ... This is tough love ... actually plan A is easier for me.

Meanwhile, please sit down and think what ammends you want from her to do. Put the list down ... Please read as much as you can about basic concept .... Q&A ... specially how A should end .

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jack55:
<strong>i'm thinking, after reading all the replies, and after my initial thoughts, that i should start plan B. i'm terrible at letter writing, so is there a place on this site with some good examples of plan B letters?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Calm down ... there is no plan B w/o plan A .... you should follows the General welcome and its link ... to calm you down .... learn as much as you can about MB -rh-