I have read through this site for many months and now I need to post my story and ask for help/feedback please.

I am 43, H is 41. This is second marriage for both of us. I have 1 D 18 from first marriage and H and I have 1 D age 11 together. We have been married almost 13 years and had our share of ups and downs with one separation in 1994, that lasted a month.

My H has almost no sex drive. We have sex about 10 times a year. He worked out of town in 1997 and I had an online EA at that time. Of course I thought I found my soulmate blah blah blah and I distanced myself from my H. Sadly, he didn't even notice. H changed jobs and I ended my EA in early 1998 and things got a little better between us.

Fast forward to May 2001 when I found some cards and love letters from an OW in my H's trunk the day we switched cars and I had a flat tire. I confronted him about them and he said he didn't know who they were from. I was devastated and became very depressed.

He still continues to deny knowing anything about the love letters and cards. He says I blew it out of proportion. He also says he has never fooled around with anyone but the letters and cards insinuate that they had a relationship.

Here's the problem in a nutshell. I don't know who sent these cards and letters and he won't tell me, says he doesn't know, therefore I see every woman he comes in contact with as a possible suspect and I feel constantly threatened. I know he is lying to me about it and so I never believe anything he says, though I don't tell him that. He has distanced himself from me alot in the past few months and began sleeping in the family room. I have tried to talk to him about it and have asked him to seek counseling with me or alone, but he won't. He tells me he loves me and doesn't want a divorce but actions speak louder than words. Also it's now been more than 13 weeks since our last intimate encounter and it was probably 10 weeks before that last one.

I don't know what to do. Anyone care to give advice? I want my marriage but I also want more love and affection and some honesty.

Have you been completely honest concerning your own EA? Honesty starts with each of us. If you have not been honest with your husband about the past, should he be expected to be honest with you?

You said you have read here for many months? Have you put in place a good Plan A? It is not enough to just lurk and read, you need to use the tools provided.

I suggest reading all the articles again, implementing a solid Plan A, and coming clean with your own past, which may just open the door to honesty from your H.

Welcome to MB. Others will be along to better advise you.

jd

Thank you for answering jdmac. I did tell my H about my EA and all that was involved. He just laughed it off and said how silly it was to think you can be emotionally involved with someone on a computer.

I read all about plan a & b but I don't know how to apply them to me. I tried to do what I can to improve me to make the marriage better but he seems to not even notice. I'm a good mom and a good wife. I go out of my way to make sure we see his parents, something that's important to him. I listen to his complaints, for lack of a better word, about me and I try to improve myself. I believe he is suffering from clinical depression and I mentioned it to him and he flipped out on me. I mentioned it to our family doctor at my last appointment and he (the doctor) said he would adress it with my H when he saw him. He did see him since but nothing was said to me so I don't know what happened.

Any other advice? Please?

MJ,

Withholding facts from you about your own life is the cruelest thing a spouse can do. Without the facts, he has a special hold on your life while you flail around in a kind of limbo land. You don't even know who you are really married to. You are held in the marriage by a lie.

It does sound to me like he is having affair, but you need to find this out for sure to see what you are dealing with. One thing you do know is that he was having an affair in 2001. You don't need his admission to know that, you have the evidence. But you DO NEED his admission in order to move forward in this marriage. Usually a presentation of some evidence can bring things to a head.

So what am I suggesting? I am suggesting that you take every step possible to find out what he is doing. Put spy software on his computer, tap his phone, get his cell phone bill and hire a P.I if you can. Its sad that you have to do this, but very necessary steps in order to protect yourself from someone you suspect does not have your best interest in mind.

In the meantime, I would read everything you can on this website and learn how to execute a good Plan A. Plan A means that you become the best person you can be, stop lovebusting and try to meet his needs. Its important that you try and find out what his needs ARE if you can. That will be a start. No lovebusters is extremely important because you don't want to make them defensive and you don't want to push him toward the OW.

Finally, just know that you are in the right place. We have all been through this and know the devastation that you are feeling. Just know there is hope and you have our support.

<small>[ January 16, 2003, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Here is what Harley says about it:
“From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.”

Thank you MelodyLane. I hear everything you are sayingand I really hate the lies.

He doesn't use the computer at all and he doesn't have a cell phone. I think the other woman might be someone that he works with. He works with all women. The only other man there is his boss. Maybe hiring a P.I. is my best shot right now. God this just sickens me.

Thanks for taking the time to copy and paste that to me. I'll ask my H to read it. He will probably say no. Thanks again hun.

bump for more responses please

MJ,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I did tell my H about my EA and all that was involved. He just laughed it off and said how silly it was to think you can be emotionally involved with someone on a computer.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesnt mean he is having an A, but his reaction would make me wonder.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I believe he is suffering from clinical depression and I mentioned it to him and he flipped out on me. I mentioned it to our family doctor at my last appointment and he (the doctor) said he would adress it with my H when he saw him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Men are generally better then women at hiding depression, and with out proper diagnosis it can be hard to tell. Your H should at least be willing to address your concern's over this issue.

I feel like I am in depression, but my Doc. say's I am not depressed.

<small>[ January 18, 2003, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: Drednosilence ]</small>