Happy New Year to everyone on here - and thanks for stopping by.

By way of a brief update and for help with my question:

OM left the country after a week staying with my W the Wednesday before Christmas. W and I went out with friends on the Friday and then for a meal. Over dinner W told me that she was "no longer in an R with anyone - with me or OM" and that she had realised that she needed to be out of a relationship to decide what it was she did want out of her life.

WOW - gobsmacked is about the only word for my reaction.

I told W that I was sorry that she was obviously hurting but that I couldn't pretend to think it wasn't the best decision for her. She made it very clear that she hadn't ended it to get back together with me and I told her I was glad. I don't and never have wanted her to come back to me because she felt simply that it wasn't going to work out with OM - I want her to come back to me because she feels that our M will make her happier than anyone else. We talked a lot of stuff and she told me that she wasn't going to stop speaking to OM or emailing him and in a strange way I'm glad.

I know that MB says NC must exist for the M to stand a chance of recovery and I do agree that if and when W decides to try again she shouldn't contact OM at least whilst we are in recovery. I have told her this (and I think she agrees) but my question is, I suppose a search, for what others think. For clarification.

OK - I want W not to contact OM not just because it will hurt me if we are supposed to be trying to recover our M but because she will find it very difficult to make a clean break. As I have pointed out to her - she hasn't been able to make the break from me completely because she wants to see me and have me in her life in so many ways. She did ask me if this meant that she should stop seeing me. My reply - "if you want to make a go of another R with someone else then 'yes'".

I also am not going to push the NC factor because I want my W to decide not to contact OM because she understands the above rather than always feel that I forced her into it as part of some bargain to work on our M. I just think that the latter would/could cause more problems... but I'm interested in what others think?

As a very brief update on things after that. Those that have been following my story will know that W and I went away for a 3 week holiday on Christmas Eve. It was great - we had a wonderful time, managed not to LB until the day after we got back - oops <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> - luckily managed to get it cleared up smartish.

So - where does this leave us? W admitted during holiday that she still loved me, wanted to spend lots of time with me and even that she was still "in love" with me (yehay - first time in over a year!) but that she doesn't fancy me anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Still one barrier (sort of) down. Now to work on the fancying bit. Suggested last night that we ought to seek counselling on this one. She didn't refuse (has always refused any type of C before) but didn't commit and I didn't push her. Does anyone UK based have experience of the best place for this type of counselling?

Many thanks for reading this far and wishing everyone the best for 03.

bowd

bowd - I have time for only a quick reply.

If contact is continuing, the affair is continuing.

For nw I suggest you conduct yourself as if the affair was still in progress. Don't change anything.

Thanks WAT - I always appreciate your candid and experienced wisdom.

I'm certainly not thinking that things are suddenly going to be rosy and it will be interesting to see how things pan out.

Any other thoughts?

Hi,

Just wanted to say that there are several from England that post here. Look for Nick123 and Lisa from London. I believe there are a couple more.

Maybe they have some MC suggestions out your way.

L.

Hi Bowd

Welcome back and happy new year to you.

I agree with WAT - let's face it, OM was out of the country before and it was an A, so what fundamentally has changed other than what your W thinks about the situation with him? She is still in contact with him, and this will seriously damage her ability to focus on whether or not she can recover her M with you.

As my H said to me the other week "She (OW) makes me feel better". I don't and all the time you have that (or whatever the equavilent might be in your W's case), will cloud her judgement. Maybe with OM, she likes to talk to him, he understands how she feels about X, which are all things which should be provided by you in your M.

I am sorry that your wife says she does not fancy you anymore. You know this is rather a British word here I found <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I think it is very good that your W will consider MC, because in my case, I left it far too long and it will be exceptionally hard to recover. So many people on my thread have told me that you can recover that, although in our case I believe it has been left and it will be hard, if not impossible. However, you can try Relate who do provide PST (Pshyco-Sexual Therapy). I guess it would be easier rather than going through the phone book.

I'm glad to see you so positive still, and glad to see you back. Thanks for your thoughts to me - fundamentally, whether it is an A or not with my H, as I say, it is still clouding his judgement about our M, and that is bad news. I don't like what he is doing and I can't accept it (whether it is an R or an A), but as you say, this started before he moved out and developed within a week or so of him not being here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Take care Bowd, I'm not posting so much at the moment, but know that I'll be thinking of you.

Lisa

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 04:23 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Thanks Orchid and Lisa - thank you too for your words of wisdom.

I think it will be very interesting to see what transpires. My W has not yet reached a position in her own mind where she wants to re-commit to our M so I am not pushing the NC...

I am going to suggest C again - thanks for the advice on relate. Either her alone or us both as I honestly believe it when I tell her that whether or not she decides to try again with me it is likely to help her in any future R.

I'm not even sure it's just me - for lots of reasons - but rather something that happens / has happened to her in most relationships she has had.

So we will wait and see - I think OM had been LB big time - pressuring W etc and being a bit needy. Of course he could change and they might slip back into more contact but I have a feeling that it might slowly die out.

Who knows - I can hope can't I <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care Lisa - and don't forget we'll be thinking about you too.