My WS called me from his office saying he would be late in one of his most pleasant voices.

By the time he got home, he was HORRIBLE. He said the most mean and cruel things. They were faults that I actually have but I did not know that these things bother him that much. His criticisms of me were so numerous and seemed a total rejection of my personality and who I am that I don't see how I can ever regain his love.

Later, he explained that he was being honest. But truly it was a horrible defamation of my character. He says that he doesn't "feel anything" for me. He says it doesn't matter how he felt in the past;it's how he feels now. He says that I have no commitment to change so he has no expectation for the future. Unfortunately, this may have come from his session with Steve who stressed how "love is conditionable-based on being treated well in the PAST, NOW and with an expectation for the future. My WS says he does not have any of these for me.

I had discovered yesterday that he had stopped the automatic deposit of his check and had been pressuring him to put the money in so we could pay our bills. Do you think OW got wind of the fact that he put the money back in, coming off of not getting the apartment?

This morning after an awful night of me CRYING and not sleeping, waking him up, yes-LBing, he sat in the chair and said some more awful stuff. He said there's no reason for me to come home.

I just talked to him again. He really seems resolved to end it and leave but he doesn't know how to leave he says.

I am so sad and feeling hopeless.

He said he MIGHT fill out the MB Questionnaires but he does not want to be pushed. He likes the concepts but feels like our situation is so hopeless and like I said he does not have the feelings for me.

Should I give up and resolve that he doesn't want me? Maybe that might be easier.

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

All I know to tell you is "Fog, Fog, Fog." I'll be praying for you and your situation. Try not to let him get under your skin with his hurtful comments. I know that is hard to do. But resolve to try. The best to you - Jamup

(((((mimi))))

I just asked him to fill out the EN Questionnaire to let me know what I need to do. He said "I guess". However, he might have been saying this to get me off of the phone.

Sorry mimi. You don't deserve this.

I'm with jamup. This is very likely ALL fog related.

I suggest you leave him alone and set up a call with Steve for guidance. Do not push him for the EN questionaire.

What is he doing with the money?

WAT

With the money, he stopped the automatic deposit of his paycheck without telling me. He ended up depositing the whole check after all.

He stopped the draft during that week he was about to get the apartment.

I told him last night that does not have to go about separation in such a sneaky way and if he did that we would have to get lawyers involved in a fight. I really need that money to pay the mortgage, bills, etc. since he makes so much more money than I do.

He's being awfully mean to me all of a sudden. Would you guys characterize this as emotional abuse. Its hard to stay in Plan A in the face of all of the things he was saying. He criticized almost every part of me. I don't understand why I still want him. Because he was so NICE yesterday. What a switch! He explained that he knows how to "be nice to people". He's putting me with the rest of the population rather than seeing me special as his wife. He acts like he hates me. That's scary!

I have a session with Steve on Monday.

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Also I forgot to mention his insistence that he did not feel sorry about the A. He feels justified in hurting me like I have hurt him.

Is this all about trying to get me to throw him out?

Also is this about justification for going away for the weekend?

How can I continue to take such disrespect? Time for Plan B?

This web site might help you sort through some of the whys and how to recover from the A - It helped me: Metasystems Articles

hey, just wanted to say that I feel the same way in many respects. you know, sometimes I think WS are on purpose particularly mean to a BS in order to 'justify' their wrong-doings. what helps me in this is the knowledge of this mechanism, that I can discount 75% of what they say because of that. keep on smiling, do the right things. fighting back, justifying etc means engaging in this destructive game, which you should not do. good luck. N

My WS definitely is having the Split-Self Affair. That article makes it sound hopeless. That makes me sad.

However, Steve Harley says "Love is a variable that can change" . However, both partners have to be committed to working on the relationship.

mimi - whatever his motivation, he's projecting his anger on you. Odds are that you are NOT the source of this anger - you're just the easiest target.

Unless Steve can advise you otherwise, Plan B is not available for you until he leaves. I remember in an earlier reply to you on another thread what the Plan B scenarios could be. Try to find that and read it again and then discuss with Steve. But yes, I think it's time for Plan B if he leaves.

WAT

Nick,
Did your WS voluntarily tell you when NC was permanent?

WAT:
Do you think time is still on my side even though there seems to be lots of PASSION in their relationship and she is so demanding?

I am having a hard time coping with this and want to give up. I know I'm sounding whiny but it was difficult night.

Does it make sense for ME to do the questionnaires as suggested by Steve even though WS isn't doing them. He made a big point last night of saying that counselors don't have the answers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think time is still on my side even though there seems to be lots of PASSION in their relationship and she is so demanding? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I believe time is on your side because the affair will likely not last. But this doesn't mean that recovery of the marriage automatically happens afterwards. How do you know that she is so demanding? If she is, good! Demands become LBs.

We all know it's hard to cope and you're doing as well as anyone does. Please reach deep down and find some more strength. We will support you. Try to find some strength in your understanding of affairs: you KNOW he's foggy and not thinking clearly and he's following the well beaten path.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does it make sense for ME to do the questionnaires as suggested by Steve even though WS isn't doing them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes! In preps for your next talk with Steve, fill out a questionaire as you think your H might fill it out. Be honest. DON'T push you H to review it or endorse it. Don't tell him you filled one out FOR him - this will be seen as controlling and manipulative even though this wasn't your motivation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He made a big point last night of saying that counselors don't have the answers. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, typical paranoid defense mechanism of someone who is afraid. Your answer could have been, "Yes, you're right, they usually have more questions than answers. But they can help others find their own answers."

WAT

WAT:
What do you think that he is afraid of?

I think she's demanding of his time right now which he hasn't been giving to her. He's been coming straight home from the gym. I THINK part of the scenario last night was after a talk with her pushing for time this weekend. He has to get mad to justify going away for the weekend. You guys will hear from me; you know how I hate weekends.

I'm learning how emotionally dependent I have been on my WS which is confusing to me because I am aware now that hasn't really been there for me for a long time. It's interesting that one of his complaints about me is that I'm not tough enough and won't stand up for myself. Do you think it would help for me to be more assertive? Problem is that's usually considered a LB but maybe not for him.

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I have a session with Steve on Monday.

Best thing you can do.

This is all still fresh. It will take some time for you to really process it, understand it and learn how to deal with it.

Don't make any snap decisions. Try not to get upset when he is around (wait till he leaves.)

It will get better.

With regard to counseling, I bet he's afraid of the truth, i.e., he's afraid of admitting mistakes, maybe, or afraid of being probed and examined. For him, it may be that working with a counselor "means" there's something wrong with him. Or there's a problem that needs to be fixed. Some people can't cross that bridge and see that it's a sign of strength to seek help. I thought anti-depressants were a crutch - until I needed them!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I THINK part of the scenario last night was after a talk with her pushing for time this weekend. He has to get mad to justify going away for the weekend. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could be exactly correct. At least he had some interaction with OW that caused stress and you were the recipient, the outlet. mimi, take some comfort in recognizing this! He's not necessarily angry at you, he's perhaps angry at the situation he's in, the OW, the world, who knows?

Please do not LB if he leaves for the weekend. Prepare yourself for this. Yes, it hurts. It hurts a LOT. But try looking at it as a chance for OW to LB and a chance for the affair to burn it self out.

WAT

Sorry for this setback Mimi. I am very glad you have the appt with Steve.

Don't let his cruel words hurt you. My H said some really mean things to me during the A. "you're ruled by fear" and "you have no dreams" are two quotes I remember. Those quotes seem laughable now.

Your analysis of why he is being mean is excellent. My advice would be plan an activity for the weekend. Ideally something you think your H would like to do. For example, you say- "I'd like to go to this concert Sat night. Would you like to go with me? If so, I'll get you a ticket." If he turns you down, go anyway- and come back looking like you had a good time.

Did he put his paycheck back on direct deposit? I think your comment to him regarding that was excellent.

It all sounds like the roller coaster. How are things with your sons?

Mimi,

He is probably being mean to you so you will fight back and give him and excuse to leave for the weekend. He needs to demonize you so he will be justified. I know it is hard, but please don't react to him. You knew this wasn't going to be easy.

I know its hard to hear what a demon you are, but you know this is just a manipulative game designed to justify the unjustifiable. He is not in his right mind right now because he is a man with an addiction. He will eventually realize this and come back to his senses if you DON'T REACT and make him defensive. The more defensive he is, the longer it will take him to wake up.

oops!

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

oops!

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

oops!