My oldest son starts another indoor soccer season today. I'm going to take him and my other four kids to his practice . There will be a lot of people there who are going to ask me where my W is. I know better than to go into the details but do I just tell them we're separated right now and leave it at that or should I just say she's out of town seeing relatives and avoid the subject altogether?

The truth is always defendable. Do not cover for her behavior. For more insight, read the links embedded in the link in my sig line.

If you have any desire to work to save the marriage, say she wasn't able to make it today and leave it at that. You don't owe anybody any personal information, ever. If there's a bozo or two who won't leave it at that, tell them that you'd just rather not get into why she couldn't make it, that it just doesn't really matter. You have a right to privacy.

I've gotten very skilled at telling people that my H "just couldn't make it." I am not about to tell a bunch of people who don't need to know that we are separated. What if we do get back together?

Honetly though, I have made up believable excuses sometimes, when I'm attending an event that my H normally always attended. You just have to make sure that it's a believable excuse. A good example for me was attending a year end staff party. My H would never miss one of these usually. But there was a football game that night, so I said he went to the game. Easy excuse.

So in short, you don't have to tell anyone anything personal that you don't want to, ever.

Jen

Ditto with what Jen Brown said.

thanks. I don't mind telling people that we are separated but going into the gory details I figured is a big LB and doesn't really do any good. There will be some people there who already know because we did tell the kids teachers at school so I don't think being brief but truthful would hurt anything.

This is one of the hardest things. At work everybody kept asking me for a while where my W was and when she was returning. I only told the closest friends who have been my most wonderful support network. People finally gave up asking me, although I know a couple of co-workers suspect something is going on.

Why didn't I tell them we were separated? Because it is none of their business. I know they know my W casually, but still, my personal life is mine.

It is a very uncomfortable situation to be in and sometimes it feels like sh*t. I empathize with you.

Be well.

I can't disagree more with Jen and TMCM.

You don't have to give details, but why lie?

Are you gonna give the same, "she couldn't make it today" story next week, and the next, and the next?

WAT

If I was your wife, it would hurt me. I'd be very upset. Ask her if she wants you to tell people.

Do you want her to tell everyone she runs into that she's alone because you two are separated?

Again, you are under no obligation to tell anyone anything.

JB

Tell the people you feel comfortable telling. Some of our friends know. Others don't. Some know why we're separated, others don't.

I understand what your saying Jen. The only problem is that I'm home with my kids and she's living with the OM. I don't want to do anything spiteful but like WAT said how long do you have to keep lying? But then I think hey I haven't even told the kids anything but Mom and Dad are having some problems so Mom's staying at a girlfriends house. It is a very hard thing to figure out.

I would agree with WAT, just because you W lives a lie does not mean you need to. If you don't feel like telling anyone, then don't. I told myself in the beginning that I would not lie to anyone, I would tell people we are seperated for a little while and leave it at that. If anyone asked if there was OM I would say yes and tell them what I knew. That way I was not ofering any information but at the same time I was not stooping to her level and living a lie. Sure it will make reconcilliation more difficult but she chose the path to take, she started the A, not you! I see JenBrown's point but I agree with WAT. You don't need to lie for her and to cover for her.

STTSI

Wow, sorry I didn't realize she was living with OM. That puts a different light on things. I'd be mad at my H for telling a bunch of people since I ended my affair with D-day and have wanted nothing but to work together to save this marriage ever since. I guess my perspective leaves me with a bias.

Indeed, as others have said don't lie to anyone. Just don't tell anyone anything you're not comfortable telling them.

I hate having to lie to the people I work with. I'm being 100% honest in every other aspect of my life now. It's quite complex b/c I work with OM and I have no clue if his marriage is intact or not, and if it's not...well, if both my marriage and his fall apart, people will do the math and my public reputation, and OM's will be shot forever. Yes, I should've had the foresight to realize all this before I slept with him, but I can't change the past now. Okay, I've probably told you more than you wanted to know anyway. (Ironic isn't it after I told you I thought you didn't have to tell anyone anything you didn't want to, isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Jen

That's okay Jen. I understand your perspective on this. It's not like I don't think I had anything to do with our marriage not being good, I made a lot of mistakes. What amazes me the most about all this is that this woman used to dote over her kids, was very protective of them and would go to great lengths to give them great holidays. All of the sudden she can't wait to get out of the house to be with OM. She sees the oldest four maybe an hour a day and a few hours on the weekend. It's becoming less and less as time goes by. Do people ever lose there parental instincts like that forever or will she sooner or later at least snap out of that?

I agree with telling them you are separated, and not going into the details. But you do what you want, either way. It is your choice...you don't owe her any protection.

I have to agree with those who say they will not lie. All the way back to D-Day, my FWW was very concerned with what other people would think and asked me not to tell anyone. I asked her why she did not think about that before she had the A. I also told her that I would not advertise it, but if someone asked I was not going to lie. She does not like it, but respects my position.

Sorry WS's, but you made your bed, you have to sleep in it.
Michael
Me just turned 40
FWW 38
M 19
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC