Are her smoking/drinking/barhopping behaviors continuing at the same rate or is she slowing down a bit?

i believe it's slowing down, probably because it isn't the real her and the DUI she got 2 weeks ago.

How did the chili go?

i haven't heard from her yet. maybe she was playing with my head?

About her job? Why would you want her to quit? Did she work prior to the A? Did she meet the OM through work? Does she love her work?

i want her to quit because she met HIM there. she doesn't NEED to work anyway. that's what started this whole mess. she worked with me for 15 years in one of my other bussinesses that i recently sold. after the sale of the biz, she filled in for a friend at a restaurant and liked it. she always liked having her own money and not having to ask me for any. anyway, i don't feel comfortable with her working there being near HIM. am i wrong here?

If your wife does eventually decide to commit to work towards recovery, Harley recommends No Contact. If the affair partners work together a job change is recommended. So, if your W would be exposed to OM on her job, she should change jobs. It is reasonable to insist that your wife have no contact with this man.

But insisting on her quitting work altogether is probably not a good idea- it would be seen as a DEMAND. Think if the tables were turned and you had the A. You might be willing to fire/not work with OW, but quitting work altogether would probably be too much.

This is something that would have to be POJA'd. But you're not there yet by a longshot. Hope you get there eventually.

Good luck with your appointment with Steve.

<strong>one thing that scares me is that she's hard-headed and usually sticks to her guns when she makes a decision. she HATES to be wrong and might do anything in her power to make this A work. when she's determined about something, she usually gets it. although, this life-style she's living is NOT what she truely believes in. </strong>

From your description, the reality of the A is unsustainable. Who could make it work long term with such a person? It sounds like OM is looking for a mom to take care of him.

But, don't challenge or confront your W, she has to realize this for herself. Don't escalate the conflict, don't force her to burn her bridges with you, especially if she's the stubborn type. Let her save some face. Do you know about the Asian concept of saving face?

I don't mean condone what she's doing. But eventually you'll have to give her some sort of an out so she can salvage her self respect. Chalk it up to MLC. But you can't completely destroy her image of herself, even if she has been really stupid and even if you are really and justifiably angry at her.

Anyway, you have got a long roller coaster ride ahead of you.

Jack my advice to you is to continue the divorce process and focus on yourself. Look at your wife's actions not what she says to you. If she signed a one year lease it means that she is not thinking about returning to you. If she is allowing this guy to spend nites over at her apartment then she is not finished with the affair. If she likes being part of a bar scene than the chances are that she is going to continue drinking and using drugs. Wishful thinking that she is coming back is going to put you in limbo.
Telling her that you will take her back even after a divorce does not craate an incentive for her to stop her affair or her new lifestyle. In my opinion, you should not make it easy for her to come back. In fact, she should be pursuing you to convince you to take her back. She needs to see that you are moving on with your life. Then the reality of the mess she created will hit her.

thanks for the additional comments. i'll let you know how it goes with steve tomorrow if i have time. gonna pick my father up at the airport and get ready for vegas.

anyway, i opened my wife's bank statement by mistake today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

from december 17 to january 17 she spent $8300. what in the world is this woman doing? she doesn't have the checks returned with her statement and all i can see are check numbers so i don't know what it was for but $8300?! holy moly! and this was AFTER her expenses from moving to her apartment. i am assuming that all the $500 even checks were made out to cash since i know she writes checks to stores for groceries, gifts, etc. drugs?

man o man! what is this woman getting herself into?

Where did those $8300.00 come from anyway?

the money came from me. we partially settled when we signed the separation agreement. plus, she gets $1000 per month child support, even though S lives with me 3.5 days a week. she gets the big settlement (home equity) in june 2005 or before. i'll wait until the deadline date for sure. i guess it won't be long until she taps into her IRA. this guy is uuuuuuuuuusing her and i can't do anything about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

quote by tommaz"

"Telling her that you will take her back even after a divorce does not craate an incentive for her to stop her affair or her new lifestyle. In my opinion, you should not make it easy for her to come back. In fact, she should be pursuing you to convince you to take her back. She needs to see that you are moving on with your life. Then the reality of the mess she created will hit her".

Excellent advice tommaz!!!!!!!!

she should be pursuing me

this is why i'm so damn confused because i agree. i have a lot of friends and family (both sides) and i spend a few hours a day reading this forum looking for and getting advice. i get so many different opinions, that all sound good, but are all different, that i am totally confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

most people say forget the b&*ch for doing what she did. i still love her though.

i guess she was messing with my mind yesterday when she said she would make me chili today (one of my favorite things she makes me) because she never called or showed up.

is she trying to keep one foot in the door or is she messing with my head?

It sounds to me like the fog is deep. The phone call was just checking in after your Plan B letter to see if you are still there, will you still talk to her. So she didn't come through with the chili... I would ignore it, don't contact her, but be pleasant if she contacts you. Until you have a chance to talk to Steve.

It's very tricky with WW. Sometimes I think WH are simpler. I will tell you that for me, Plan A and B worked. Actually I never had to go to B, but I threatened it. If I had not done Plan A (unknowingly, I hadn't found this site yet) I would have ended up minimum separated if not divorced.

But some WW seem determined to crash and burn. Tommaz has a story like that. If I recall correctly, nothing he has done (Plan A, Plan B) has induced his WW to see the light. I agree with Tommaz that you should protect yourself. Move ahead with the divorce. Is all the paperwork pretty much done or is there more stuff to settle up?

But since it's only been 6 or so weeks since Dday, I think it's premature to give up. Still, the fact that she signed a 1 year lease is not good. But I think the fact that she rushed to move out when Dday was so fresh is a factor. This lease signing was not thought out and considered. It sounds like a hasty decision.

Yes, your wife SHOULD pursue you- but don't hold your breath. Women are generally used to men pursuing them. And she is still deep in the fog- probably hasn't woken up to reality yet.

Does your family (mother, father, sibs) or her family (mother, father, sibs) know what is happening? And if they do know, how much do they know? And what about your friends?

The spending sounds pretty crazy. Is most of it cash (the $500 checks) I would not confront W on it until you get Steve's advice.

Hope your session with him goes well.

Is all the paperwork pretty much done or is there more stuff to settle up?

all done and she delivered the "i'm not contesting the divorce" answer to the court. they told her it could be finalized with a week or two <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

the fact that she signed a 1 year lease is not good

she had no choice because that's what the apartments wanted. on d-day (12/05) i was angry and hussled her out of here. she was out by the 10th, the day the separation agreement was signed. two different lawyers advised me to get her to sign while she was in 'guilty mode' because she didn't ask for any compensation from my businesses. so i was in CMA and ANGER mode and listened to them.

I think it's premature to give up

i want her back and am not going to give up.

It sounds like a hasty decision

everything that we did was WAY too hasty.

Does your family (mother, father, sibs) or her family (mother, father, sibs) know what is happening? And if they do know, how much do they know? And what about your friends?

they all know the whole story. since her family supports me, she blames me for stealing her family from her. even her friends are in support of ME. the whole county (very small community) is just shaking their heads about this whole mess. when she got the DUI, she dug herself in deeper.

The spending sounds pretty crazy. Is most of it cash (the $500 checks) I would not confront W on it until you get Steve's advice.

no, i will not confront her about it at all. no sense.

my session with Steve went GREAT!

bottom line is; i'm to stick with a strict plan B and wait it out because she WILL come out of this.

i now understand 100% how to go forward with this plan and i'll stick to it 100%. it's going to be a rough ride because i do love to hear from her but i gotta do what i gotta do, for ME. hopefully she'll snap out of this sooner than later and then WE can work this out TOGETHER.

i'll keep posting to let you good folks know how things are going.

thanks to all for your help and suggestions so far.

Jack

Jack-

I'm glad to hear that your session with SH went so well! You sound like a disciplined person so you should start seeing some tangible results as soon as the fog starts thinning. Just be patient as you're still very early in the process, even though lots of decions have been made out of necessity. One thing you'll want to guard against in the coming months is second guessing yourself. IMO you've handled things extremely well given the unusual circumstances. Good luck!

PS You were smart about giving up the dating idea. I tried it immediately after my D and quickly found out that it's a bad idea...It's prolonged my recovery.

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

So glad to hear your session with Steve went well. What I love about Steve is he will give you a plan. He will give advice and opinions. So many MC are just plain incompetent- they won't confront any behavior and they will take everything at face value. I don't know what the stats are on MB success rates but I know it worked for me. And at least he has a plan and will lay it out clearly. Otherwise you feel like you're just wandering in the wilderness with no direction, going in circles.

One other thing- if you tell your wife about MB methods- just show her the books, I wouldn't mention the forum. We have alot of debates about this- complete honesty etc. but I've come to the conclusion that this forum should really be a safe place for BSs to post and get advice. It's easy for WS to take it wrong our post wrong- especially when they are in or just coming out of the fog. And I do believe we need this forum because of the devastation an A causes emotionally. It's good to have a support group and it enables you to talk to people anonymously which is better than spilling your guts to everyone you know.