I feel like a child in a haunted house. Don't know where to post, or what to do. Hopefully someone out there can guide me through this.
Here's the story..
Our marriage I thought was great, no major fights, had alot of fun. This June will be 8 yrs. 2 kids, 6&3 yrs. old. July of last year my parents lost their house, so they moved in with us,(Wife and I both agreed on this) untill they could find something. Also my wife and I started new jobs because of a failed business. We worked together for 5 yrs. About 4 months ago I noticed that things were changing. I asked my wife if we were ok and she said yes, but said that she was getting tired of having no privacy, and she thought that I was ok with the folks living here as long as they wanted. I told her that was not true, and the next day told my folks that they need to find a place now. Well, they moved out 2 wks ago. During this time my wife has'nt shown any affection towards me.
She has been talking to her best friend via cell phone, who is going through marriage problems, and I thought that would make our situation look better, because her friends husband treats her like sh_t.
We had a talk last month were she said she was confused, she did'nt know what was wrong with her, and that her feelings for me were changing. I asked her what it was that I did or did'nt do, and she said it was nothing that I did or did not do. I asked her if there was someone else, and she said no. She said that she wished there was, then she would know why she is feeling this way. She was just really scared that she might not want the life that we now have. I suggest that we should see a councilor , and she said she would be willing to do that.
Well, for the last few weeks I have been getting recommendations for councilors and told her last Sun. that I had calls to about 8 councilors. She said that was fine. Mon. night I informed her that I had found a councilor with an opening for Wed. evening. Again, she said that was fine. Tues. morning, she tells me she is not going to go. I try to talk to her about it, but she gets mad and says she feels like she is being forced into it. She then tells me that there is 3 things that are keeping her here. 1. the kids 2. It would financally destroy us and 3 she is scared of being alone, and leaves the room. I walk into the bathroom and tell her two thing's. 1. I cannot understand why she would think of walking out if I did nothing wrong, and there is no one else. 2 that maybe she needed to spend some time at her mom's to think. She got mad and said "so now your kicking me out, and I can never see the kids again". I said no, but she told me to go to work and shut the door. Since that morning, she has spent everynight at her mom's.
With idle time on my hands, after I put the kids to bed, I've been snooping. I'm 99% sure she is at least having an Emotional affair if not more with an OM at her work, who I believe is also married. Her cell phone bill showes a few calls to his house, and alot of calls during her lunch and after work, to another cell phone which is unlisted, but does belong to a male. 1min. calls, enough to send messages to each other.
She took the kids last night, and said she is still going to be staying at her mom's for awhile. As we talked so told me that she has not completly ruled out counciling.

I'm sure I've left alot out, but I just need some help on what to do. Should I do plan A even though I'm not 100% about EA? Should I confront my wife about it, or wait untill I'm 100%? Should I recommend this site to her? Which way do I go?
Thanks, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Devestated and Confused

Dear Devastated:

I really feel for you. I know exactly what you are going through. I hate to tell you this. My experience was just like yours. I didn't want to believe it so I was in denial for awhile. You have enough evidence to know that your wife is having an A. My WS told me the same thing; there's nobody else, etc. although I had that gut feeling and some evidence somewhat like yours. He couldn't deny it when I finally caught him at the motel. That's what they call D-DAY. He started getting outlandish and careless so it was easy. You hate to admit to yourself because it is so painful. I KNOW!

This board is the place for you. Hold on tight and you will get loads of help from people who really understand. I am new in the process but folks here have helped me more than anyone else. There are not as many people available on the weekend so HANG ON!

What you will need to do is PLAN A. I know that much so you might want to read all the material available on this website about that. PLAN A has really worked for me thus far.

Take Care. I will be keeping in touch!

<small>[ January 19, 2003, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Oh man that sick feeling, I know, like nothing else in the world. Hang in their you will become a stronger person for this experience, i personally know that. Red flags a flying. Watch her cell phone bills as you've done, and watch the computer, don't let on what your doing, and don't tell her about this site.

Whatever, you do don't beg and plead, if they see that weakness, they will just walk all over you more and hurt your feelings more. Start plan A and give her some space. But watch like a hawk, because those so called "only friends" and "old friends" will steal your wife in a new york heartbeat.

Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hi Wokeup:
What would be somewhere in between "begging and pleading" and "space". I gave my WS "space" today before he headed on out the door probably to see her. My PLAN A seems to be working. We're talking more, he's nicer and not as angry as right after D-Day and we're talking about some memories,etc. However, I just know when he's leaving to see her and he doesn't want me to ask him about where he is going.

If she is having an affair you need to expose it. If you can afford it hire a P.I. Information gives you the power to make decisions about what to do about your marriage.

Update.. Tell me if I'm kindof on the right track with plan A.
My wife came home today around 11 a.m. today to drop off the kids, and then I thought she would leave shortly there after. She took my truck last night so that I could change the oil and plugs in hers. I had just finished when she arrived. We take the kid's inside, and I ask her how long she will be here. She said that she wanted to watch the football games, and cook us dinner. I thought that could be a step in the right direction. Later on, I told her that it was nice of her to stay and have dinner with us. She told me that she has been feeling guilty because she has been dumping the kids on me, and that it would be nice for all of us to eat together. I asked her how she was doing, and she said a sighing alright.
Well, before she left I caught her in the bedroom and put my arms around her and said "I don't care how bad it is, I want you to know that you can talk to me, and we can talk this out. I'm here for you ok." She said I know. I kind of thought that she was starting to get choked up. Before she left she said that she would see me tomarrow.
I hope that I'm starting Plan A out on the right foot.
Thanks for listening

Is anybody out there????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Sounds like a great start with plan A...open and positive with no pressure. I think if you feel it is appropriate that you can add that she can come home anytime. Make sure she knows the door is open. She may feel guilt...like she doesnt deserve to just come back without you saying it is ok. You may think it is understood but she sounds confused. Keep up the good work.

ayslyne

Thank you Ayslyne, This whole thing is just tearing me up! I want to confront her about this very likely A, but right now I think it would be best to try and wait for her to slip up, or I get 100% solid proof. I just got off the phone with her after she told the kids goodnight. I told her about picking up our 3 yr. old from daycare, having a few problems, going to cook the kids dinner and finding out that we are out of milk, and helping our 5 yr old with her homework. Her reply was "I'm sorry, its all my fault." I just said no it's not. Not much else.

Any other suggestions out there would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance

I'm devestated. I think you need to check the computer records too. There is a spy device you can install, buy it online if you want, and it's invisible to anyone else. That way when she does use the computer, you can find if there are secret email accts and read them.
I did not have that luxury, but I did find the secret emails my H had with OW.
another thought is that your wife may be feeling depression which can be treated very well if she will see a doctor for a checkup. You said you had a failed business, inlaws moved in, two new jobs. all these are stressful events. And can lead to depression. I've been there and it's a very confusing up and down emotional roller coaster!
Hang in and keep watching, snooping, but plan A'ing all the way. Sounds like she wants to come home and it will only be a matter of time.
God bless, LouLou

I sure hope so LouLou. Anybody have any ideas on when I should give her the emotional needs questionare. I don't want to give her the impression that I'm forcing anything on her.

Thanks

You can certainly try&#8230; in my case it backfired however and I got lots of abuse that a relationship isnt something which can be fixed with a recipe book, all this yank bulls**t etc etc. You only recently discovered possible signs of you wife having ana affair. Without being too paranoid - trust me if I say that your gut feel is probably right. Brace yourself for the worst. But: Take it easy - at this point the name of the game for you is a) remaining sane, b) understand yourself, her and the reasons why, c) winning her heart & mind. The goal you should strive to achieve is her ceasing all contact with OM - try to negotiate this without love busting. Ie, tell her how it makes you feel knowing that she is in contact with OM etc etc.

Update: This morning my wife came home to shower and take our daughter to school. During the brief time that we had alone, I told her that she could come home when she wanted to. Her reply was "I know" which had an irrated tone to it. I was going to explain to her how much it hurts me when she does'nt wear her rings, but after that I felt it best to save it for another time.

you're doing amazingly well. continue exactly like this, ie sharing your feelings, telling her how much you miss/love her, how it hurts you etc. try not to make demands though, like "I want you to X". do some introspection - do you have an idea which EN's of her you failed to meet?
and: how are the kids taking it?

I'm not sure about the EN's, this is what I really want to talk to her about. A couple of months ago, I asked her if I met them and also sexually. She said I did, but I kind of doubt it. I'm trying to keep away from the heavy questions right now, because it seems to irretate her As for the kid's, they have just been told that mommy is working late, because she comes home in the morning before they get up. I know that this wont work for long, and then more guilt will be on her mind.

What do you guys think.. Since she is still staying at her mom's, I don't go out of my way to contact her. And when she contacts me,(because I have the kids) I apply plan A. Would this confuse her even more, Or would it be to my benifet?

Update... Wife came home last night. I played it cool, doing the things I was doing when she was'nt here. No questions, or anything. We watched some t.v. together after the kids went to bed. When we went to bed, she gave me a guick kiss goodnight.
I want to keep upbeat, but I don't want to give her the impression that it is just because she is back. What do you all think?

What do you think of this email I sent my wife...

Name, I had no intention of making you feel that I was throwing you out. After talking to you, and you saying that you felt I was trying to force you to counciling, I thought you might want some time to yourself. The last thing I want to do is break up our family. It seems that every idea I come up with, or try and talk to youabout our situation, I screw it up. I need some help from you on what we might be able to do to restore our love for each other. I want to be the man that you fell in love with when we started this family. Somewhere along the way I have failed you, or we would not have this problem. In our day to day life, we have lost focus on our physical, and emotional needs. Would you take me by the hand and tell me what it is you need to be happy again?. The only thing I ever wanted was to make you happy, but we need to openly and honestly talk to each other, like we use to do. Here lately, we tend to be able to talk better on the phone than face to face. Maybe we should try and reverse that.
We both owe it to ourselves and the kids to try and work this out. I wont promise you it will be smooth sailing, but I believe that if we both try with all our hearts, it can be better than it ever was before.
I know that I'm terrible when it comes to expressing my feelings, but I hope I expressed some here.

Does this fall into plan A?

It seem's like I'm out here talking to myself LOL.
Well my wife called me today and said she thought that she would stay at her mom's tonight!?!? She asked what me and the kids were going to do for dinner. I said that I wanted to take them to Burger King so they could play in the play area. I told her that it would be nice if she was there. She got quiet, so I asked her what was wrong. She said "I don't like you trying to make me feel quilty". I said I never intended it that way.
Needless to say, the kids and I went. Just before their bedtime she called to tell them goodnight. She then told me that she would probably be home later because she forgot her eyewash, and glasses here. I asked her if she needed it tonight(if you can see what I was doing). Yes I do. Well then I'll see you later.

What is going on here people?? I WISH I COULD JUST GET HER TO OPEN UP WITH ME!!!!!!

I'm devastated,
So sorry for the ups and downs you have been feeling. You are doing so wonderful at the plan A. Yay you!
Her comment about the guilt thing is just her feeling guilty as she should. I would keep plan A'ing but I see bad things if she continues this pattern of home then not home. Have you done any snooping? How close are you with your MIL? Does anyone else in your family know what is happening? It stinks because it seems when they are treating you the qworst is when they need your love and understanding the most. It is really tough on us BS. Are you taking care of your needs? We tend to forget ourselves when we get so focused on Plan A.
Lord knows I did. How old are you 2? How long have you been married? tell me more.
(((((((((((((((Hugs to you buddy)))))))))))))
Layli