Help! I've been Lovebusting today. It has felt so good for my WS to be trying that I probably have gone too far. I should be happy that he has stayed home and is trying. However, today we are snowed in and he has taken the opportunity to remind me again about all the things that I did wrong. I do not feel that my responses have been productive. He says that I'm just saying words and that I am not authentic. I've been trying to explain the process of recovery, thinking that he may be ready to listen to how we can work on making it . I forgot what Steve said about the fog. You can't teach if there is no student. Now he has withdrawn and stopped talking to me altogether. He's mad that I even brought up the affair. Remember I was supposed to remain focused on talking about our relationship. Plus he is refusing to call Steve again. He's probably thinking about her and wishing that he can be snowed in with her. I wish I could just make him fall in love with me again. I hate this. Have I really goofed up? How can I redeem myself if at all today?

This so HARD!!!!!

Now you've learned that lovebusting can stop any progress, or any hope of progress, right?

There is not a point, no matter how safe you feel, where lovebusting is not a negative behavior. You can express your opinion...but in a respectful, reasonable manner, not angry outbursts or selfish demands etc.

Non lbing can be a tough learning curve, but now that you see the results of lbing, are the consequences and your motivation more real?

Most people don't have "in love" feelings with someone who is lovebusting on them, it's a drain, not a deposit.

So, in a way I agree with your H,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says that I'm just saying words and that I am not authentic </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe when words and actions conflict, believe the action. So, your lbing actions have disproved your words.

In your place, I'd go to him, tell him you are sorry you reacted badly, because his opinion is important, and you do want to make your marriage work. IF he softens, great, work with it. If he remains withdrawn, give him an hour or so, or suggest you both shovel or whatever. Shoveling is an excellent means of working off your frustration, even if he doesn't join you.

I told him I was sorry. He seems to have heard me. I hope this will pass over. I was doing so well. I don't know what got into me.

Mimi,
You could approach him from the standpoint that you are sorry that you said things without thinking first but you apologize and suggest doing something to lighten the air. But I am confused about something, he just started on you without provacation about all the things you have done wrong in the M? See, this is where I may be a little naive about MB principles, but it took 2 to be wrong, and has he even faintly suggested he had a part of that also. If he is in the fog still I understand that you can not try to educate them, that's a given. But isn't there suppose to be a given and take about what one can tolerate in the conversation. Would it have been better for you to stand up and politely say that you are finding the conversation difficult to digest at one time and need to go think?

I feel I have a good grasp of the MB principles, but I also have a good grasp of what someone can and cannot tolerate at long periods of time emotionally, how is your love bank? I don't know what you exactly said that was considered a lover buster, because ANYTHING may be considered that as far as he is concerned now, so where is that point drawn?

I feel for you Mimi, I know it's got to be so painful not knowing what to say or not say, do or not do....especially since he is in withdrawal and still "foggish". I'm here if you want to talk today... Take Care

Sometimes what helps is presenting an opportunity for FWS to interact in a face saving manner. Yeah, it can seem unfair, but that passes if things get better.

For instance backing up an apology with some action, "I'm making some soup. I know you probably don't want me to, but I'd like to make some for you also - now or maybe later. Let me know." It usually ends up being later - but I'd imagine that the "cooling" time is much shorter. Customize according to your spouses ENs or love languages - and don't make it something too big. Anyway, that's one variation on a plain old apology.

One positive thing about this is that you've been further disincented to "edjucate" your spouse. Let SH do it - at least for now.

One last comment, I wasn't sure what you meant by "focusing on talking about the relationship", but if these are the results, then I would evaluate my intepretation of that concept. Maybe less RT is better. Or taking it in smaller chunks. Or more listening. I don't know.

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

It seems that he on his own came up with something that he feels good about that I do. He asked me what I was cooking for lunch and for dinner. I told him that I was especially going to cook fried chicken. He seemed pleased with that.

Neesha:
I've been having your same question while I've been doing my Plan A. Steve has me "working my plan". It seems sometimes that it is playing into my WS' concept that I was the blame for the A and that he does not have to take responsibility for his actions. At least that is what he is verbally communicating to me. However, it is my understanding from Steve that he is guilty about the A but is just not telling me. I'm WAITING for him to say "I'm Sorry" but that is not happening. Nor is he telling me what he is doing about the OW. He is very much accountable for his actions and if he is contacting her it is minimal. For example, he has been home all day today. He is evidencing a strategy of "Actions Speak Louder than Words". That was OK in the past but now he is not trustworthy so of course I don't know what he is going to do next or what he is planning. That's the problem. I'm feeling DESPERATE because I feel that I need more information or more communication from him. Mostly what he wants to talk about is the climate which led him into the A. His reasons are understandable and I buy them. I am shocked my the enormity of his criticisms. He has expressed concerns that I had no idea was a problem for him. What can I do about the past now is what I say to him. "I can only rectify myself now and in the future. You have to give me a chance." He has not stated that he will give me that chance. He does say that he continues to have too a lot resentment about the past. So that's where we stand now...

What do you guys think about this??? I can't figure out what he's doing with the OW. How is he keeping her complacent? I can't imagine her easily accepting him deciding to stay home and in the marriage.

I'm bewildered! I don't know what's going on.

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

If you are shocked by the enormity of his criticisms...are they real? Are these meaningful things you did with intent to do them? Like, insulting his mother, cutting up his clothing, making him sleep on the couch...

Or is it like...you were a terrible housekeeper, you didn't cook good meals, we didn't do things together, you didn't like my friends, you didn't take care of your looks...that kind of thing? More like the result of being busy with kids and life?

I don't know if I made my examples clear enough, but hopefully you can see the difference between specific, ongoing acts and things many of us let slide to "make do".

Furthermore, if you had no idea these things concerned him...then he didn't do his part in communicating. And, in fact may be re-writing history so that his actions seem less awful. But, no matter how bad a wife you were, if he never talked with you, then you couldn't know you needed to change. Plus, no matter how bad a wife you were, there is NO JUSTIFICATION for cheating. None. Divorce, yes. Cheating, no.

Cheating is always dishonorable and unjustified.