My EA probably wouldn't have taken place if not for the Internet,as I met the OM on an internet forum (albeit,a Christian site that was quite clean,wholesome and spiritual).

One of the by-products of the EA is that it has changed the way my husband views the Internet. He never spent a lot of time on it anyway,but now he uses it only for very necessary things and he is very suspect of it. Our home PC died shortly after D-day and we've done nothing to replace it,and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with vibes from the EA as well.

My whole job revolves around the Internet, so it is an indisputable part of my life. But my husband has really bad feelings about the Internet,and some of them are almost irrational.

For those of you who the Internet played a big part in the A's that you were either involved in or victimized by...your thoughts? Do you hate the Internet now...are you wary of it? There's no doubt that it's here to stay,and many of us have to use it extensively in our jobs. But it has also made it easier to fall into relationships with strangers...made porn more easily available,etc.

Would just like to know how you feel about it in the context of the A. Thanks.

P.S. A sidenote...it's ironic that even on this site,we are interacting with strangers who have helped us incredibly. An example of the good that the Internet can do.

Anyway,would like your feedback....

Sincerely,

I just lost my reply to you so I'll see if I can re-think it.

My thought is that the internet is a trigger for your husband - the same as other triggers are for other people.

The real issue is how you as a couple deal with triggers? Are your working a plan for your recovery? For instance, filling out the LB and EN questionnaires on this website, and then reviewing them with each other? These exercises will take the guesswork out of meeting each other's most important emotional needs and avoiding being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.

Have you uncovered the messages of the affair? Does he feel secure that you will not have another affair?

To me these are the issues, not the internet; however you may have to address his fears regarding the internet since it was a tool used for the affair. Blessings, CSue

Sincere1,
For me....the Internet for my FWH was suicide for our marriage. I cancelled it and he reopened the account several times before he finally let me cancel it forever. Then he got a cell phone that had internet service and used it to text message their e-mails.

As much as I hate it in our home and will not have it in our home for a very long time, if ever, the truth is that I don't think FWH can be on it without "supervision", so to speak.

If you earn the trust of your BS back and he is comfortable with you working on it for work, then you should be OK.

No matter what, it's hard stuff.

Good luck!

One of my husband's very understandable demands after D-Day was that I no longer participate in the forum where I met OM. However, I was lurking on it until I found this site a few weeks ago,and I'm convinced continuing to lurk was a major factor in my remaining fogbound for so long. Although I wasn't interacting, I was still reading the things OM wrote,and that wasn't good! (understatement of the year)

However,I guess I was not so much interested in advice about my own situation...we're dealing with it...but in wanting to know what people here think about it,in the context of THEIR A's.

Anything can be used for ill purposes, it doesn't make the thing bad but the USER bad. It is the same with the internet. On the other hand, your spouse is very RIGHT to be concerned about your use of the internet since you used it for ill in the past. Bars are also not necessarily bad, but you would never send a newly recovering, unproven alcoholic in there.

After my DH's internet EA, he quit AOL {chat rooms were also a problem} and opened up his computer to me. I also put spy software on his computer so I could check from time to time. I think the spy software probably saved my marriage, because I could see for myself what he was doing when he was alone. That GREATLY reassured me and restored the trust.

My WH also, used the internet, and found a woman on the christian site. What he didn't realize was that the woman was agreeing with his statements. That was admiration. The woman and him started talking about their marriages and how unhappy they were. That was a sign of emotional affair starting. Then they started talking on the christian site more, and she asked to e-mail him privately. That is where my husband should of said to me, honey, this woman that was just a friend of his on the internet, wants to e-mail me privately. Then he should of let me read the first e-mail. With what I know now, I would of purchased spy software to put on his computer. But I didn't know, and have learned a lot about the computer and what happens. He says he sees how the affair started, and all the deceits and lies.

The internet is a valuable instrument, but it also is a instrument of deceit, by the deceiter (sp?). As long as the spouses are being honest with each other, and letting each other know who they are talking to, that is fine. There are a lot of people who think they met their 'soulmate' on the internet. But that is not true. They think they met their soulmate. But when the realities of life hit, they will have a big surprise. Those are the times, when couples have a hard time. I for one, am an asset to my husband, as well as he is an asset to me. I love him, and he loves me. The affair, was his weakness, and he was lead by a woman who has already had another sexual affair in her marriage.

Anyways, the internet can be great, and can be an enemy.

The internet is a wonderful tool! In regards to affairs...it has made them easier to become involved with strangers who we then are able to "see" and be "seen" as who we would like to portray...rather true or not. It also allows more contact and easy of contact between affair partners.

It has also become one of the major means where betrayers...betray themselves! Without the internet...my H's affair might have continued on longer then it did. As email is where I busted his @$$!! It may well make an affair easier...but it also makes it easier to discover. Double edge sword.

the net is a powerful thing.like justa wifey and others its where my wife's A started and its what got her busted.i ,like your husband had little interest in the pc.i used it for info and thats it.and info i did get!just not what i was looking for.so your husbands requests are real and justifiyed.he hasn't forbid you from the net completly right?just that site and i would guess NC with OM.so do it.i had to take away the pc altogether.my wife would not quit.i finally realized that it wasn't the computer that cheated ,it was her.i hated the pc and the net for the longest time.now i cant stay off it..lol.anything that reminds your husband of the afair will effect him.you have to expect that.
so are you still "lurking"(poor choice of words)on that site where you found him?if so why?

at i read this thread , its amazing how most people here have experienced similar things with the net. This computer that has helped me so over the last few months nearly gave me a heart attack a few years back as i read and discovered my wife's EA., as my tears ran down the screen. I agree it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> cuts both ways, but any tool used correctly has its benefits.

My A started on the internet. It turned into a PA, and then I separated--etc--now divorced.

It was pure foolishness to think that this OM was who he portrayed himself to be. We did meet 6 months after I met him, online. From that point on I didn't consider it an internet affair.

Without the internet I feel I never would have had an affair. ExH worked nights, and I would sit on the computer and talk with strangers from all over the country. I would NEVER talk in person with strangers , this way. The curiosity was too much, and I crossed the line.

OM moved here, and lived in this area for a year. He and I were both separated by that time. He now moved back to his area, thankfully--and I am trying to reconcile with my now exH.

Ironically, my divorce was final 2 days after OM moved back to his own area. This was four years after I first met him, on line. Affair lasted 17 months after DDay.

One more thing, after he moved local, it was so clear what a fool I'd been. This man probably had many internet girlfriends, but I was the one dumb enough to ruin my life, basically, for him.

As far as I know, he's still married. His divorce never progressed, and the whole time he lived here he REFUSED to call his wife, in front of me, and ask about the status. (she'd filed)

I also caught him, when he lived here, in several lies and also I caught him on the internet looking at pictures of single women. He told me he was seeing if they were as 'pretty' as they said they were, in their ads! Another time, when I entered his apartment he shut off the computer , completely. His excuse was, "I was scared it was an intruder." Have you ever? What a total fool I was!

Now I'm divorced, alone, and wanting a reconciliation with a wonderful man who won't forgive me . My exH was a fantastic human being, and I ruined life as he knew it, forever. Understandable, really, that he won't forgive me.

Thanks for listening to my rant,
H_P

The internet is a dangerous place. But if you're on computer for work, then stay away from the sites where you can get involved. Do your work and you won't get into trouble!
It's a choice you have. I do feel awful when mine is online now and I watch because I want to see what sites he's going to. And there will not be any secret email accts either. All ours are open to scrutiny now by all here.
One false move on here and the computer is history here!
Stay where you are supposed to be while working online and you can't get off on the wrong site!
Talking to a co worker online? Block them for sure. You do not have the right to use your computer to get involved with an A! you know this and can't deny it.
You met OM on Christian site? There are not safe sites out there. But if you were in a Christian site, you well knew when this guy got out of line. No doubt you went into Private chat with him or im's. Bad move. Many surf the Christian sites as a game, Satanist, devil worshippers etc.
I know well because I've been part of a online Christian crisis site for over 2 yrs. WE were a support group, praying group, and counseling others in need. Many came who were satanist just to have fun and interrupt. They would get our private room by others who went out to witness in public rooms. Lie that they wanted deliverance and be brought to us for help. Lot of game players.
You know how to keep from getting in trouble. If one says they want private help. YOu take another Christian to a private chat with you. That nips the online sex immediately. Because you have a witness and someone to protect you from lies.
Never, never go alone into private chat with someone you don't know!
Get a grip on your internet business. It's all over the internet, but you do know how to keep from getting involved. It's a choice again!
LouLou

Melodyland, tell me about this internet spy tool? LOL
I really would like to put it on ours, And my daughter offered it as a christmas present to me. But he would not be told about it.
We now have it where I can go read his mail, and he mine if he wants. But his internet A and then finally meeting her was all done through a secret email acct on Yahoo and Iwon.com.
We're aol. So I would still like to see for myself there is not other accts.
He also was cleaning the history each time on here, and I ask two days ago to stop that so I could check it anytime I please. Then I'd clean the caches. He was upset at first saying I still dont trust him. I admitted I do not trust yet. Maybe never. That I was trying,but he has to earn it back and I will always verify.
My daughter may have to go in for surgery for hysterectomy in 3 months. She's only 39, and had a surgery over 3 yrs ago when they feared ovarian cancer. They've said nothing about cancer this time, and blessedly the other was not. But it's too much for me to handle all this and worry over what he's doing too.
I ask him to do this for me so I could have peace of mind to just help her through this hurdle. So there is progress, however he could still delete what he wanted to hide and leave others.
I'd just feel a lot better with the internet spy tool. Thank you, God bless, LouLou

LouLou, it is www.iopus.com spy software home version. It is awesome and easy to use. It costs about $30 and it is well worth the peace of mind you get. It saved my marriage. Trust...... but verify. You can see for yourself if he is being honest with you.

Anyway, you need to buy it outright otherwise the trial version will give an alert everytime you restart the computer. When you down load it, DO NOT select install, but select "save to disk" otherwise it will not install in invisible mode. After it is downloaded, open it up to install and select "invisible mode". Be sure to restart the computer to make sure you have done this right because you don't want a warning banner popping up when you restart.

It will record EVERY keystroke, every website [with a link!] and every chat conversation. You can tell what he types on every website he goes to so you will have passwords right away.

Email me at Dana100@cablelynx.com if you need help.

I just checked and the cost is $39.99.