My H and I have been invited to a super bowl party on Sunday by one of his best friends. Problem is he is also friends w/OW & she will be there. If I could get out of going I would, but H will go even if I don't.

Question is: I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle seeing her again!! H has continued friendship w/her (which I'm not to happy about). What am I going to do!! I'm not even sure she knows that I know about their A!! It's going to take everything in me not to knock her out the minute she says hi to me H!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ January 24, 2003, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: LadiKymberli ]</small>

Don't avoid the party! I am sure you have way more class in your little finger than that whore...go and hold your head up high, cuz he is still with you and not with HER

Why has your husband continued his friendship with the OW??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> "No contact" is a must. He needs to cut all ties with her, to show his commitment to recovery, and respect for you.

(And neither of you should go to the party! Again...as a sign of respect to you.)

I don't know what to tell you about that one LadyKimberly but I know what I would do. I would'nt go. I don't know where you two are at in your recovery but your husband definitely has a ways to go if he's treating you like that. I'm sorry.

I don't know where we are in recovery either! We have not talked about the A since December. He did have NC with her for a few weeks after DDay, but that went out the window.

I've been trying to do Plan A and hope the "friendship" will die a natural death, especially now that she no longer works with him.

<small>[ January 24, 2003, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: LadiKymberli ]</small>

Ladi,
He should not even be THINKING about going to that party if she is there with or without you, simple. That is a respect issue! I usually am objective but this is too obvious not to call it what it is. He had NC for a few weeks then it went out the window? Hmmmm, and why was that?
He thinks it should not be a big deal about being around her with his wife? What is that? Boy aren't you going to have a blast at this party...NOT!!!! It's going to take everything you have in you to remain calm, cool, collected..and that's when you first see her and she hasn't even said anything to H.

Maybe I am totally wrong here, but neither of you should be going to this thing, have your own if need be. Also, time to look at the issue as to why he thinks he can have contact with her and it should be accepted by you, did you both agree it was acceptable for him to do so?

There is no easiness to this Ladi in how you are going to handle it.

I agree with the others. I would stay away from that party!!!

I would not go to the party. Also if your H is going to continue to disrespect you by remaining friends and going to this party despite your feelings I would seriously rethink my decision to want to stay in the M. I am familiar w/ the concept of plan A although I do not agree w/ all of it. However, this just seems like an emotional slap in the face. If you are determined to stay in M regardless of H's behavior I would go to the party because at least that way your imagination will not run wild about what happened in your absence. Whatever you decide good luck. tew

I am so sorry LadiKymberli.

I do believe everyone who has posted here is correct. Here is something to think about:

We teach others how to treat us. In other words, why does he think this is ok? Have you made it crystal clear what his consequences are if he does this again and are you prepared to follow through? You deserve better than this and deep down inside I think you know this too.

This is definitely not ok. I'm so sorry darlin. Take care of yourself and hang in there!

And remember, he is behaving this way because he CAN.

"We teach others how to treat us. In other words, why does he think this is ok?" Bingo! We are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Sorry to be so blunt but the fact is that ignoring the situation will NOT make it better. In fact, things will probably get worse. You should have a talk with your H and let him know how this continued contact upsets you. Get it all out there for everyone to see.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LadiKymberli:
<strong>

Question is: I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle seeing her again!! H has continued friendship w/her (which I'm not to happy about). What am I going to do!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ummmmmmmmmm no. He can't keep in contact with the OW and that is a boundary you have to draw. Your marriage will NEVER RECOVER as long as he is still in touch with his girlfriend. [she is not a "friend" but a girlfriend] The LEAST he can do is end contact with a no contact letter.

You can't force him to end contact with her but you sure do not have to go with him to see the OW. You have a HUGE problem in your marriage if your H is so cruel that he would rub your nose in this affair at a party and refuse to end contact.

From Steve Harley:

"My experience helping couples recover from infidelity has taught me that any contact between the unfaithful spouse and the lover ruins reconciliation. Even casual contact prevents completion of withdrawal from the addiction of an affair. Since an affair is usually an addiction, the only way to fully recover is to permanently separate the unfaithful spouse (the addict) from the lover (the source of the addiction). But even in the very few cases when an affair is not an addiction, total separation of the spouse and lover is a necessary act of consideration for the feelings of the betrayed spouse. It's the very least a wayward spouse can do to compensate for the suffering caused by the affair. Continued contact with a lover simply perpetuates the suffering of the betrayed spouse indefinitely.

It's been my experience that without total separation, mutual love cannot be restored, resentment cannot be overcome and protection from the threat of another affair cannot be guaranteed. So when I counsel couples who want to reconcile after an affair, I insist on total separation of the unfaithful spouse and the lover with extraordinary precautions to guarantee that they never see or talk to each other again."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

GADS! He would not be going to the party at all unless he packed his bags and wasn't coming home again!
Time to give ultimatums and just see who is more of a prority!
If he does go, I would be dang sure to go and I'd get her off in corner and tell her i know!
And she'd better end the friendship right then and there with him!
Then I'd walk out, and he'd come home to his bags on the front step or in yard! If he doesn't walk out with you.
My WH knows! One more false step and he'd better be making sure that divorce is what he wants because control your H,but you can sure ask and see what is important to him. And you can control what you do about it. Which is not to take it laying down anymore.
He is wrong and he knows it! Time for him to choose his friends and her, or you!
God bless, LouLou

I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to reply. You all make valid points, and have given me alot to think about. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why has your husband continued his friendship with the OW??? "No contact" is a must. He needs to cut all ties with her, to show his commitment to recovery, and respect for you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You guys are right, I'm going to have to insist on NC w/her at all!! Which will be hard because she is in our social circle and we are bound to run into her from time to time.

I'm just not looking forward to talking to him about it. He really does feel bad about the A, but he does not want to talk about it and wants to just forget it happened.

Hopefully, he feels bad enough to take the necessary steps to help you recover. If not, I would seriously doubt his committment to your recovery. You cannot recover from this if the OW is constantly rubbed in your face with his continued contact. That is outrageous.

)LadyKymberli, (that's my W's name don't ya know?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) I think Ladylou hit it pretty much on the head. Tell him how you fell before going to the party (radical honosty) and try to POJA it. If that doesn't work, and he insists on going, then take ll's advice. If she is in your circle of friends, find new friends. My FWW and I were forced to do just that. Her friends all knew of her A's and actually helped her and supported her in them, and my old friends call lots and lots of nasty names. Niether situation is beneficial to our R, so we got new friends. Period. Time for him to decide what is more important, his friendships, or his M. Good luck.

MTD

Just another Q, do any of the other friends there know about the A?? If not, fill them in. The light of day has a great way of making these relationships lose their intoxicating effects.

MTD

Praying for you today! May you find the strength and courage to overcome this test.

May you find peace as you travel your healing path!