I need help to straighten out the dialogue between myself and my h. We have come so far at the moment my h admits he was to blame , he is sorry for what he did, he is very sorry I am so badly affected by what happened but he will not apportion any blame to the ow.
I am saying that she helped herself to the emotional benefits of the marriage and took what rightfully belonged to myself and my children.I am saying their were 3 of us in the marriage as you all know that is avery uncomfortable situation at best a m is a three legged race but when a 3rd person tries to gain a foothold it is all fall down time .

He says she never had any effect intentionally or unintentionallly she was quietly just there always available, happy with the situation, never wanted more than she got, always admitted that his family came first,never asked for anything.She was a long haul mistress who knew her place according to him.

could I please ask for any comments on this situation .

PS She was an exotic stranger to our culture being a ladylike southern belle I have no idea where she was coming from other than she was 15 yrs younger than him ,liked wearing frilly clothes and made him feel extra, extra special.

Something of the big daddy there I suspect. The trouble is when you are looking for a big daddy the easiest way to get one is to steal one from a two year old. They dont have the resources to object

Any comments on the cultural habits of ow are very welcome. I really am trying to file all this away. the trouble is it wont file until I am sure I have understood all the details.

This attitude prolonged the a for a very long time.My attitude is that she leeched away a great deal from our relationship during that time

You sound like me, back when I was trying to misplace the anger towards my H onto the OWen. It was easier to deal with it all that way. I claimed to love my H, and I wanted to work on our M, so how could I possibly be so angry with him too?

You know what? It's OKAY to be really mad at your H for his part in all of this. You know, that you really can't blame the OP (most of the time), b/c if it wasn't them, it would be someone else.

I don't think there is any easy way to get past where you're at now. The best advice I was given in the past, was to "just stop thinking about the OWen". Whew! Was that hard to do!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But practice makes perfect... sort of. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It did help, I'll admit. When I found myself thinking so much about the OWen (usually OW#1, b/c she had been a former friend of mine), I would have to make a conscious decision to NOT think about her.

Perhaps asking your H to do you the favour, even if just to "humour you", and tell you that yes indeed, the OW was selfish to continue seeing him, knowing that he was married? Do you think that might help? Or is this more of a mega LB by your H, b/c this "ow is innocent" stance is a core belief of his, and you can't accept that?

Karen