If you suspected your spouse of the big A, would you open their mail (bills addressed to them) even if you normally don't open it? If so, how would explaine it to your spouse if they got mad? trying to avoid a LB.

I'm a FBS and FWS (betrayed spouse and wandering spouse), and our marriage has recovered after two affairs each.

Even though we consider our relationship fully recovered, we keep our lives completely open to each other. That means we can open the other's mail if we feel we need to and the other doesn't mind because WE HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. It's just one less thing I have to do if H opens the mail.

HOWEVER, during our affairs we both (as WS's) would've been upset if BS had opened mail addressed to WS. That's typical WS behavior. If you suspect your spouse is having an affair -- and usually if your gut tells you to be suspicious there's a good reason -- you'll have to proceed with caution until you can get boundaries in place to address this kind of thing.

I'm sure other MBers will have great advice, but if it were me, I'd go ahead and open suspicous mail. If your spouse gets ticked, just say you didn't think there would be any harm in opening it since you are married and are supposed to share everything...that you didn't mean to step on toes. That may even be an opener to a discussion about trust and trustworthiness.

In any case, our motto is NO SECRETS. Period. That totally works for us.

What makes you suspect your spouse is having an affair?

Lori

Hmmm...I always opened any mail that came to the house, set aside the bills to be paid and threw about the junk that so often came with them. (The one I needed to have opened, his cell phone bill, was sent to his office...I thought nothing of this as his officed covered part of the bill each month.)

IF...it was as you discribed, yes, I'd open it. Either by being sneaky and resealing it after I opened it, or by being very truthful that I was snooping, why I was snooping and I would continue to snoop as long as I felt something was going on. Actually, knowing me...I'd do the former...It's never been said that I am a conflict avoider! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If your interested in only one bill, your excuse if nothing is on it, is that you made a mistake by opening it. Happens! If there is something on it...might as well admit you were suspicious and get down to brass tacks.

Hard to avoid LB when snooping unless you are completely honest about your snooping and he's agreed to it. jmho

If you have nothing to hide then you don't hide anything.

If you think he's having an A by all means - SNOOP!
DB

In my case opening my H's mail was the way I found out about 3 different affairs. If I hadn't opened the letter from the most recent OW, I believe the affair would be going on to this day.

If you have suspicions you should have no qualms about snooping. I think it's a matter of self-preservation.

Go ahead and just open it. It's just mail/bills, etc. If spouse makes a big deal about it, apologize for how your actions caused these negative feelings; don't defend your actions strongly; and see if their reaction is meaningful. If it seems like there is something to hide, consider an appropriate approach.

Two exceptions would be if this has been a issue of old OR if it is something that is really personal, like a letter. But you mentioned bills and it seems like a new issue, so neither would seem to apply.

If you have the inclination and opportunity (i.e. paper goes into a wastebin and not kitchen garbage), consider reading the bills after they've been opened. i.e. trashcan. If he's gotten a big shredder recently, well then, take that into consideration as you investigate the possibility of an A.

If you need something a bit more morally ambiguous, cut open the top of the envelope (as if it were done mechanically), review contents, and stick it back in. Place all mail in common area. If someone asks, "That's how it was. It looks like some machine sliced it open." But this is probably not a good idea unless you were really desperate.

Good luck and I hope it comes out ok.

While your at it, I hope you're working on improving your marriage. Perhaps using the 4 Rules on the site. If those were in place, then this would be sort of a moot point, as "NO SECRETS" is described by some posters.

Open the mail, whether he gets upset or not. That is honesty, and that is what is needed foremost. In my situation, my WH lied, blaming me for money matters in addition, lied about the cell phone being paid by credit card. I wasn't stupid enough to realize that you still get a statement. He used my social security # to get the cell phones. All I had to do was state my SS# and I was in. I had all the bills sent to our home, and they gave me the address where they were being sent to.

If he doesn't want the mail opened, that is his problem. Not yours. Just express honesty, and say you are more than welcome to open my mail anytime you want. Show you have nothing to hide, and that it doesn't matter to you. Express that marriage leaves no secrets. What is yours is mine and vice versa.

The Harleys also, stated that everything should be exposed and left for the spouse to see or read. No secrets, nothing to hide.

It is not a LB, unless he makes it one. Then you know he is still hiding info. My WH did this for months and months. Hiding his cellphone, not letting me look through the #'s he called, and the bills. Until I had all the bills sent, then he just would get upset when I read the bills. Yes, I was upset, that he spent around $1000 a month on cell phone bills. We couldn't afford that, and he didn't care about the family he had here. So it won't be a LB is he doesn't make it one. If he does, he is not being truthful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by I'm Devestated:
<strong>If you suspected your spouse of the big A, would you open their mail (bills addressed to them) even if you normally don't open it? If so, how would explaine it to your spouse if they got mad? trying to avoid a LB.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hell yes I would open up their mail. Why not? You are married to this person. I would open it, read it and leave it on the table for them. If they asked why, I would want to know why this would be a problem. "I only opened your mail, dear, is there a reason this would a problem??"