Recently I have read several threads on this site that made referece to cheating and the media.

One person made the point that nobody blinked when Rudi Guliani disrespected his wife so openly and began strutting around town and ground zero with Judy Nathan (his mistress).

Julia Roberts is TOW turned wife and has remained america's sweetheart. Jennifer Lopez has cheated on each of her first 2 husbands, and Jesse Jackson's Ow did a 20/20 (or was it Dateline) interview to explain her side of things, while Mrs. Jackson remained fairly mum on the subject.

And honestly when I was TOW I never thought it was that big a deal. I never hid it, and was 100% convinced (as edivenced by my first posts here) that the A had no negative effect on his M. In fact, I was a firm believer that I was helping it. (ie. he was more relaxed, etc.)

I'm not blaming my A's on the media. I just happen to think that there is a certain EMA chic that happening's with the media sometimes. Has anybody else noticed that?

duuuuuh - Katie! Where have you been, under a rock?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The media winks at affairs because, IMHO, passion sells.

Unless controversy can be spread, e.g., President Clinton, personal criticism can't get traction. In the case of Rudy - he was FAR too popular for the good stuff he did post 9/11, thus his personal integrity "couldn't" be challenged.

As for movie stars and others whom we pay to look good or act in fantasies, it's come to be expected that reality is a reach for them - after all, how can they recognize reality when their job is to fantasize?

WAT

People buy into soulmates fated to be together
"true love" "passion" "romance" "forbidden love". EMA's falsely promise all of the above.

The affair partners are seen as rebels against the confines and constrictions of marriage. Everything is perfect, new, exciting. At times the spouse is portrayed unflatteringly- literally as though they drove their spouse to having the affair.

<small>[ January 28, 2003, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: espoir ]</small>

Katie - You know what I kind of agree with Worthatry - passion and contraversy sell papers - But you know what I look at it like this - I think before my husband had an affair - I never really paid much attention to people who cheat or the people that have been cheated on - I mean it really had no affect on my life what so ever - but now everything I watch or read an extramarital affair takes on a new light - I think it is kind of like when you get a new car and you really like it - but you never really noticed them before but once you have one - you see them everywhere - What do you think???

Absolutley,maw64! And as the WS who had an EA,I'm always upset when my H and I are watching a movie or a TV show,and infidelity is treated lightly,glamorized,whatever. It's as I said on another thread: even watching a sitcom can be a minefield of triggers and painful associations for my H.

All one has to do is come to this forum and read a few posts...or go through it oneself,either as a BS or a WS...and you realize that it's no laughing matter. And that it causes a huge,enormous,awful amount of PAIN.

the media glamorizes affairs because gossip and sex sells!

After hearing about my situation my best friend (and best man in our wedding) said that he had to leave when watching "unfaithful" because of how they treated affairs. He said it makes him sick to see how they make light of such a serious situation. For me I have to turn the channel cause I can't watch it.

Some day hopefully the media will go back to caring about content instead of ratings. Wouldn't that be nice!?

STTSI

Yeah....like French films, they're all about adultery. What do the French make that's popular on the market? Suitcases and perfume.....kind of appropriate given the themes of their films. LMAO!

<small>[ January 28, 2003, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: catamount82 ]</small>

My daughter and I jsut watched Jay Leno, and he talked about infidelity.

According to statistics, most men state that their affair was not an affair. It was 'inappropriate behavior with the opposite sex'. Has anyone heard this before! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Jay Leno said something about I guess Bill Clinton stated the same words.

Also, men say the one word, DENIAL. They didn't have sex with the OW, they didn't have another women, they didn't spend money on the other woman! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Just shows, that everyone laughs at people who are hurt, and crying their hearts out. Families that are torn, and families that have to deal with the infidelity and their spouses behavior. Seems this is a sick nation, with all the deceit, and lies. And then people make fun of the pain these people are experiencing, without any remorse about making jokes.

Just like stated earlier. I saw infidelity in the news and on the shows before. When I hear or see it now, it hurts, and still hurts. Like tonight, I put my head down and didn't say a word when Jay Leno spoke. I said to myslef, yeah, now I can be the one to hear that word and feel the pain. Do the wayward spouses, feel any of the pain? I wonder?

And honestly when I was TOW I never thought it was that big a deal. I never hid it, and was 100% convinced (as edivenced by my first posts here) that the A had no negative effect on his M. In fact, I was a firm believer that I was helping it. (ie. he was more relaxed, etc.)
And now how do you feel about it?

Yeah, thanks Hollywood!

When we went to see that new movie last week where the guy sleeps with his fiance's cousin...

GF jokingly poked me with her fork... was shocked when we got home and I asked her if she meant for that to hurt... she was shocked even more by the four puncture wounds under my shirt!

Hollywood - where affairs are glamourous, Saddam is a sweetheart, Clinton is God and Dubya is a bad, bad man....

Taking advice on what's morally ok from Hollywood is like asking Ray Charles to decorate for you.

2ofakind,
GF jokingly poked me with her fork... was shocked when we got home and I asked her if she meant for that to hurt... she was shocked even more by the four puncture wounds under my shirt!
I'm a bit confused? Your girlfriend poked you? Aren't you married?

double post

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>And honestly when I was TOW I never thought it was that big a deal. I never hid it, and was 100% convinced (as edivenced by my first posts here) that the A had no negative effect on his M. In fact, I was a firm believer that I was helping it. (ie. he was more relaxed, etc.)
And now how do you feel about it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Truthfully I still struggle with the effects our A had on his marriage. I get now that it DID have an effect but i'm mixed on it.

I would not be TOW again for my own reasons. Not because of any great remorse that I have about his marriage. I hope that doesn't hurt anybody's feelings, but it's true.

KS can I ask if you ever feel anything about the hurt you caused this woman, his wife? and the kids if there were any? Adultry isn't glamourous even if some think it's fashionable.

Let me begin my saying that i'm loathed to have this conversation here because it is not my intension to hurt anybody's feelings.

Truthfully though, I feel badly that I sent his W a letter telling her about the affair. I think that it was short-sighted on my part, selfish and hurtful. It was his job to tell her, not mine. It's not like she didn't suspect all of these years. Maybe she would have been happier living in denial. Who knows.

Caveat: I sent her an "it's over-you have a right to know" letter after we ended things. I told her that we had agreed to NC but that if she had questions she could contact me. Eight months later he came back around and I called his wife and told her. Boy was she pissed!!!!! (at me)

As far as his kids (they have 3), by all accounts the marriage was such a nightmare to begin with I honestly don't know that my presence caused any greater harm.

I began to question his judgement when he began to try and inject me into the lives of the children. I didn't think that was fair. I was fine with them not REALLY knowing who I was. But suddenly he began putting them on the phone with me, leaving me messages, etc. I thought that was hurtful and unfair to the kids (ages 13, 8, 2) because they had no way of sorting the while thing out.

His family knew and it didn't seem to be that big a deal. His sister was tightlipped and annoyed. His mother helped to keep the secret.

Thanks for the reply. you aren't hurting me and I'm not judging you. I'm just curious about what your thoughts were concerning his family.

by all accounts the marriage was such a nightmare to begin with I honestly don't know that my presence caused any greater harm.
What do you mean, "by all accounts?" So you were very close to the family before the affair & you know how his wife & kids felt (directly from them) about their marriage?

"I honestly don't know that my presence created any further harm."

Sometimes we measure our actions by how much harm we might do, and sometimes by how much good we might do.

How do you measure your humanity KS? Is this a high enough standard for you personally? Can you see yourself reaching up a little further, extending your humanity to bring good and light into the lives of others? I think you have untapped resourses KS. Your potential is much greater than this.

Exactly Pepper and that's a big part of the reason that i'm not there anymore. HE tries. He lures, but there's nothing about it that I want anymore.

Chris,
I want to answer you but I fear that my honest response is going to be sooo loaded for some here.

That said:
I was friendly with his family (not his W and kids). His parents, etc. Everyone would just sort of shake their heads when referring to their marriage.

Honestly, my concern was not for his W and kids initially. (He had no biological children when this began-the 13 year old is his step son.) I was thinking about me and what was good for me. It also seemed to work for him. I felt like if his marriage was so great he wouldn't be by me.

I felt that it was not my responsibility to take care of his family. That was his job.

I've come to see things differently.

Chris,

I should also add:

500 million times I said to him "I don't want to break up your marriage. And if at ANY TIME you find that this relationship is doing more harm than good TELL ME!!! Don't compare W to me. She and I are totally different. Don't get mad at her because I do x and she does y. It's apples and oranges. If this relationship takes away from your marital well being LET ME KNOW! I will go."

Over and over and over he said "stop being ridiculous...i'm never leaving you...it's you that I love my 'duty' is with her and the kids"

I was getting my needs met and so I remained-10 years worth.

We were on and off for a long time. 90% of hte time it was me who initiated the off time. I dated other people. I had a child, I did other things. And he always came back. Is still trying to.