I've read, and am trying to understand plan A. Could you tell me in basic laymen terms the way or way's of applying it that seems to work? I'm not 100% sure of the big A, but there has to be at least an EA. My wife has not shown me any type of affection in 5 months. I guess the bottom line is, does plan A have you show and tell your spouse that you love them and that things can be better, but also show them that things are going to change unless they want to work on the marriage?

My take on Plan A is that it is more about yourself than anything else. You can only control your actions. Work on improving the aspects of your life that you need to work on. By doing this you then demonstrate to your spouse that you are AAA marriage material.

That's my summary. Thoughts?

Hi Bilbo,
I read your other thread last night but didn't have time to respond. I would like to kind of start over for you here. I believe you have gotten some good advice but I think you need some grounding in the basics before you go on. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I believe you can get some really good help on this web site.

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.
Here's a link to K's page of links. Go to the sections he suggests and read all you can.
K's helps for new members

2. Be nice to her. Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have her like you, and reconcile with you if you are nice to her.

3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surviving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them. I see from your other thread that you have ordered HNHN, and you asked about her reading it. For now, worry about you. Read it your self and get a good idea of what you need to do before you start working on her. You should still try to meet needs for her ( when you can, I know she is not home.)

4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work. Remember that we are not experts, just fellow travelers. We can offer help to an extent, but you should consider counseling from the Harleys. Others here have said that one session with them was worth 2 or 3 with others they tried. Please consider it. We all work and have families too, so don't be alarmed if you don't get quick responses to questions sometimes.

5. If you don't believe you can call the Harleys, get local counseling for yourself, and W if she will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.

6. Here are some links to info about plans A, and B. Read before you do much. Plan A is to improve yourself so your W will want to come home to you. Boiled down, it is that if you are nice to her, there is more of a chance she will want to be with you.
NSR's links to info about plan A and B

You have a lot of work to do, you will have bad days. Many others have done what you set out to do, don't give up.

SS

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>