Hi,
I am new to this board. I have been reading Dr. Havey's replies to questions and find them very optimistic. I guess I want to hear optimisum in my heart but my brain tells me it's hopeless. Here is my situation.
I was married in '87 to a beautiful woman. We have four wonderful daughters, now ages 7, 11, 14, & 15. They are the world to us. Well, we neglected our own relationship. I took her for granted, traveled with work, I was very controlling and I lowered her self-esteem. I was so self absorbed I did not realize her unhappiness until, after a two-week trip, she asked me for a divorce (Dec '99). I pleaded with her for over a month. I got her to agree to conselling (divorce not marriage). Then, in Jan., I discovered she was infatuated with the kid's soccer coach. She came clean and admitted it. I told her, I would deal with it if we didn't break up the family. I have never felt more pain than the day we told our children. My pleas stopped and I got a lawyer. I still tried to reason with her but her judgement was so warped by the infatuation that I couldn't stand it. Finally, in April, I put her up in an apartment and we alternated weekly caring for our children. Mediation did not work because she sought the maximum the law would give her. I felt so violated and I was determined never to give support that would benefit her two time loser boyfriend. He had been divorced for five years with a natural son in college and three adopted children he shared custody with plus at the time of the affair he had a 2 year old son with his live in girlfriend. I lost all motivation about being fiscally responsible with NYS laws saying I would have to support her and her boyfriends household. She had told me that was their plan to marry. Then in July she announced that she was pregnant. Their son was born in Dec. 2000. Until this news, I had dreaded the summons from her lawyer but after this news, I took legal action for custody. This was finalized a year later after a visous legal battle that ended just before trial. I got the kids about 55% of the time and she would have to pay support once she started working. I never asked her for support for its unfairness was my whole contention for the fight. Unforuately, my emotional distress through all this cost me my job. It took serveral months before she would be cival to me again. I had always longed for her and thought about her, only during the court fight had I tried to deny these feelings. She finally moved in with him last fall (2002). We have done our best to protect and raise our children in this difficult situation. They have somewhat adapted but I feel they will never fully adjust. Now the kicker, the other day she asked if I would take her back. She said she realizes the mistake she made and will never jump ship again. Either she will stay with me or her boyfriend. He has been wanting to marry her for sometime and they need to get a bigger house together by Summer 2003 since his ex doesn't want to raise the adopted kids anymore (Yes that makes up to 9 kids in their house). Emotionally, after being denied any control in the matter for three years, I am excited. But being with her discussing this, there is that empty feeling in the pit of the stomach. I long for the chance of bringing back the family and I will always love her but boy! she is an emotional wreak. The boy, now 2, would still see his father which means the boyfriend will never leave the picture. I have strong convictions and I know I will need to be more reliously fervent to deal with this. I don't know if it would really benefit the children. Then what about him, his already messed up adopted kids and the boy? I would die before I was a party to infidelity with kids involved. I also have a wonderful girlfriend. She loves me very much and I love her but I do not think our relationship could work with my kids (she never was married), my warm feelings for my childrens mother and our totally different interests. I am going to start conselling again. Your advice is appreciated.

Hi EC-

Yes, you do have a complicated sitch. but ......there is always hope.

After I read your situation the first thing I wondered was: "Is his wife jumping ship again because the prospect of having that many kids too overwhelming for her?"

I see that you have never really "LET GO" of you XW. You have always held on to a belief that your family would be restored. I REALLY admire that, but I know how much it is hurting you, the woman in the "R" with you, and your kids.....

Have you talked about this sitch. with your current GF? Is it possible that you have been blocking her from bonding with your children because YOU have not let go of your XW? If you are feeling the desire to recocile, you need to be honest with her and let her go.

How serious are the talks with your XW? Is she willing to address her issues in a therapists setting? She may be reaching out in desperation. Are you willing to let everything that you've built slip through your fingers, only to be lost again of her recovery isn't sincere?

Recommendations would be to obviously read ALL you can on this site. Evaluate your needs and your XW's with the EN questionaaire. Consider contacting a marriage counselor.

Post more. I think that the more info you can provide, the easier it is for someone to offer advice or opinions....

Thanks for the quick and insightful reply Kily. Your advice is sound. I am in such a turmoil of past emotions that I have already made a therapist appt. for myself.

More details: The conserveration with my XW lasted for about three hours after a parent meeting about our youngest's First Communion. There were a lot of tears on her part and that she had thought about this since her pregnacy. But some of her answers to my questions didn't fit. I feel that she can convince herself of something so that she honestly believes she is telling the truth (this would be a huge problem). She has said some extremely nasty things to me during the sepration process that would leave me to doubt her sincerity. I asked her what her alterior motives were, she struggled to answer. I made the general comment (please excuse this) that women only want sperm and security from a guy. Her reaction would lead me to believe that security has a part in it. Sperm is no longer a concern since she has her tubes tied. I feel that the main motivation for either of us would be to provide the united upbringing of our children. I know we both miss them terriable while with the other parent and the shuffelling is hard on the kids. We had a good life together and she says she misses it. She has had difficulty with the adopted kids and the blending never really happened with our kids. If circumstances were different, I doubt she would have made this offer, but then I fought to make the circumstances difficult for her. My XW had not discussed this with anyone. I told her to call some of her friends. I offered a bird nesting arrangement to get her out of summer housing issues but I doubt either of our current partners would go for that. She did say that maybe moving back into an apartment by herself might be good. I told her that she would always have a piece of my heart, that I forgave her and that I was still very attracted to her. I felt very sorry for her. I told her I needed to research it before I would let her know. I told my sister and she felt that my X had to get into therapy before anything more was discussed.
The burden of this decision is extreme and I am trying to pace myself. I do not want to bring this up with my GF. She knows I still have feelings for my X but I had convinced her that it was mere fantasy and could never be realized. Ug! It's too wierd. I want to tell her but I need to make up my mind first. I have struggled with my current relationship for awhile. I will always put the kids first. I know she would be a great influence on the kids as she is with me but she feels that since she allows for all my parenting time, that I should be submissive during our couple time. It's a constant struggle. Anytime I try to bring parenting and couple time together, she feels that it is her sacrifice. I have been on the fence whether to concede or just remain single until the kids are grown up, now this!

EC-

Is this GF of yours the first since the break up of your marriage? It sounds to me like there are so many unresolved feelings in you and to be honest, it will not work with either woman until you get yourself straightened out.

Making that IC appointment was the BEST thing you could do for yourself. Is there a way where you can tell the GF that you need some space? If it's one thing that I'VE learned throughout all of this, it's to be honest with myself, and other's that I love. It sounds as if the GF is a safety net that you've kept around you because you are afraid of being alone.....

Kids are a great reason to renew a "R", but they shouldn't be the ONLY reason.

Your wife also is starting to face her issues. It sounds like she is running again, and you are HER safety net. Make a list of questions that you need answered. Make her accountable for her desires. If she isn't willing to open uo now, how sincere is she?

I will ask you a question that was posed to me by my IC. If you could see your life in 5 years, WHAT would it look like? Think about this....