Well, against everyone's advise (except for a few) H & I went to the party. In a way I'm kinda glad I went for a few reasons 1)I know that eventually I'd be put into a social situation with her and I figured I'd rather get it done and over with; 2) It helped me to realize that this whole thing is NOT OK and I have the right to demand he have NC.

Though it did not go well. . . . .

OW arrived after we had been there for a few hours, ran into her in the kitchen as I was getting a drink for my daughter. I was calm and said hello to her (very coldly), and walked right past her into the living room where H & DD were. She came in to the living room and said hello to H, who was sitting next to me. He said hello and actually gave her a hug!!!!! This was the last thing I expected him to do! I was so shocked that he would do that!!! I must have given him one of those "looks that could kill" cause he went into the bathroom and stayed in there awhile.

Meanwhile, she came back into the living room and sat down next to me and started to chit-chat. I was going to use this opportunity to tell her that I knew everything, but H came out of the bathroom and saw us there and made a bee-line for me, put his hand on my shoulder, and didn't even look at OW.

She went downstairs after that and stayed there. H suggested we leave at this point, he was really uncomfortable. I told him we should stay for about 1/2 more, then go cause my daughter falls asleep in the car, and it was only 7:00. I was upset, and he knew it. He just wanted to leave.
So, after about 20 minutes, I told him we should go.

My DD had gone downstairs to play on the computer with some of the other kids, so H said he'd go and get her so we could go. Of course, I followed him down to get her. We made our rounds, said our good-byes and were heading for the stairs when I realize he's not behind me anymore. I turned to look for him and I saw him headed straight for OW! Who was at least 12 ft away sitting in a corner. He gave her another hug! At this point I pretty much lost it, stormed up the stairs to get my daughter and our things. He came up right after me and OW was right behind him. I went out to warm up the car & while we were waiting for it to warm up H & I got to stand in the living room talking to a few friends and OW. H didn't say much to her, but kept looking at her. We finally left after about 5 minutes and I lost it in the car (crying). We didn't say anything to each other the entire way home. I didn't want to get into it w/my DD in the backseat.

When we got home, he offered to lay down w/DD and get her to sleep and I helped my older DD with some homework. And of course, he fell asleep w/her. (ya' think he's trying to avoid the situation?). He knows that I will not get into any kind of discussion or argue in front of the kids, so he's pretty much been avoiding being alone w/me since. Last night he had band practice which always runs late, so I was asleep when he got home.

Amazingly, I'm doing really well. Sunday night I was upset and crying. Now, I'm really MAD at H, which is something I have not really allowed myself to be. I directed most of my anger at HER! Which was wrong, he has to be held more accountable!

So, I've decided tonight is ultimatum time!! He either ends this "friendship" w/OW (he honestly thinks that they are just "friends") or we end the M!! I'm done!! I'm am NOT going to allow anyone to treat me like that! I honestly don't think he's trying to be cruel, I just don' t think he gets it!! I just don't think he understands why this causes me so much pain because as he said "he has no feelings for her anymore other than as a friend".

<small>[ January 28, 2003, 12:17 PM: Message edited by: LadiKymberli ]</small>

LadyK, been watching for your update. Sorry to hear of the fiasco. That was a low blow!
Believe me, no one is that dense to not How that would be hurting you! It's time you demanded he make either a no contact call or letter to her.
He had no right hugging this woman in front of you or not in front, Just plain cruel!
I did mention to my WH about the superbowl party and OW being there. AS much as he has hurt me, he said himself that your H should not go to the party. Or contact of any kind with OW. And he would not have done it.
This is insanity to think there can be a friendship with someone you've hurt your spouse over. It boils down to who is more important and whose feelings matter the most. That is one thing I demand to know.
I'm with you on the decision. If he can't cut all ties with her, then you need to cut your ties with him. He has to choose and not have his cake and eat it too! He made the wrong moves, so it's his responsibility to face the music that he ruined any chance of keeping her as a friend. It passed that with the A and cannot be undone now!
How you could possibly not blow your stack is beyond me. I commend you on your strength and will power because i'm afraid I'd have made a scene no matter who was present! And ripped them both a new one!
And told her I knew everything and to keep her distance if she didn't want her face rearranged there and then! Same to H!
What a stupid thing of him. But I can't think he isnt' aware and literally rubbing it in your face. As long as you allow it, he will continue to treat you with this disrespect!
Sorry you had to go through this. LouLou

Dear Ladi,

How i wish i had your will.

My H has been in an PA, for a year. He now says they are just friends. We start counseling next week FEB 6, I hope to HELL that the counselor gives me permission to divorce him. I meet with the counselor first 15 min. I am going to tell him that i just want a way out. I can't live with it anymore. I am a horrible conflict avoider.
I HOPE YOUR H MAKES THE RIGHT CHOICE. but if he doesn't, rememeber that at least you have your dignity and respect, which is way more than i have.
sara

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I honestly don't think he's trying to be cruel, I just don' t think he gets it!! I just don't think he understands why this causes me so much pain because as he said "he has no feelings for her anymore other than as a friend".
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Are we married to the same guy?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Can't tell you how many times H and I have argued about this! He swears that he has no feelings for her other than as a friend (although 2 months ago he thought he was fallin in luuuuuuuv <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

I just want to congratulate you for not being in jail for assualt! Think I would have been! (And I am not at all physical with my rages.) I can't even guess at the amount of courage you must carry in your very soul to have not slapped him when he got up off that couch the first time to hug her and the fact that she's got any hair left just amazes me!

btw...does your H have any "smarts"...he knew his "hug" was damaging/hurtful to you the first time and then he goes out of his way to do it again???? Sorry, but that was cruel and intentional...jmho He's got some real problems with knowing what should be his boundaries.

Hope your H agrees and then sticks with NC. This woman needs to be completely OUT of both of your lives! But...he needs to work a whole LOT on him...he's not being a loving, caring H...I don't care what he says...he's blowing it!!!

Good Luck!

I'm afraid I would be sitting in the hoosegow with justawifey because no woman who had just ^%$@#$# my H would manage to survive a "hug" in front of me. Of course, I would never put myself in that position in the first place [going to Super Bowl]. But, thats just me. I have a funny thing about boundaries.

The cruelty of your husband takes my breath away, but not as much as your willingness to tolerate it. I hope you start standing up for yourself, dear. Just know that you are worth much more than this.

And your self respect should not be sacrificed for the approval of someone who does not have your best interest at heart. If you don't protect yourself, no one else will.

<small>[ January 28, 2003, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

No contact, no contact, no contact!!!!!

Ditto!!!
BTW, did we mention NO CONTACT!!!!

MTD

ML, JAW, move over, the jail is getting crowded. LOL Anybody remember to bring a toothbrush?
Sheesh. Yes her H knew exactly what he was doing. Then to do it again?
Friends? Hey, does anyone have friends? I know that I have to like and care about a person to be friends. I cannot just buddy up with no feelings.
LadyK, this is one friend he better be getting rid of and not saying due to you. He needs to make it clear he has no respect for her and he was stupid to hug her in front of you or elsewhere! He needs to Tell her off, rip her a new one and drop her now!
If he can't, then you need to run, not walk to the nearest lawyer!
No more rubbing this hussy in your face. And no more even speaking to her unless it's to rip her lower lip over her head!
LouLou

I guess I'll sneak in the beer and pizza to the hoozgow, someone would have ended up in a ditch somewhere.
To heck with OW. She doesn't even deserve comment. But your H's disrepect to you would have been the ticket to D court for me!

cherise, would you also bring a bottle of wine...I hate beer??? Glad I'm in jail with such wonderful people...couldn't have better company!!!

Ladi...how are you doing?

Merlot or perhaps a nice Cabernet okay? I could think of a good use for the empty bottle after hubbys bail us out. What do you think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LK, feed back! Have you discussed this at length with him? About dropping the friendship?
If not, I know where you can get a few good gals to break the bottle over his head. After we drink the Merlot!
I think it's time you got tough. And not just cry over it asking him to stop. It's time to demand it!
Sometimes, choices have to be given and it's time he made his.
If he truly loves you and wants to stay in the marriage, he'll do as you ask. If not,then I think you should consider yourself blessed to know now, not ten years from now, and kick his A--out!
GRRRRRRRRR I'm one who is trying to rebuild after WH's A, but I'm not going to be his door mat either. One false move and he may not wake up!
God bless and I'm sure you have some more venting to do. We're here for you.
LouLou

Yes...I know exactly where to put the empty bottle!!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <<The look on ladi's H face after the disposal of empty bottle!

Ladi,
O.K. so you and H went to the party knowing it should not have been even a event that both of you attended. K, that's done. It went well on the side from the standpoint that noone went to jail. But here is where I might sound harsh and rightly so. She did not get up and purposely hug your H, he did that! Was it blatant? Yep. Does he think he can get by with it? Yep. Why? Because there are no boundaries that you will stand behind and he knows that and uses it against you. JMHO.

Now there is a big void from ultimatum to D, so can we slow it down a bit. Ultimatums is not a good word to use with someone who deliberately had contact with OW. Boundaries, that's a good word because it states what you will and will not accept for yourself, and what can be tolerated without any misunderstandings. So please give update when you have the time.

As for knowing you are going to be in a social situation with OW, that is fine, when you BOTH are on more solid ground and one knows what to expect from the other. You can not trust H and he is not putting your needs first on this issue, it's a raw sore that he keeps picking at.

Ok you all,
I want to join the jail birds here. You already have beer and wine.....I'll bring a cake with a file in it! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hugged her twice!??!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Once would have done it for me. I wouldn't have wamed up the car, I would have left him there! Oh yea, that meant the OW would only be too willing to give him a lift?

Who else was at this party anyway? Should have been others to help you out.

Where is the LB Farie? Need her 2 x 4 to [censored] some sense into your H.

If I keep talking, then might put me in solitary! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

LadiKymberli, what are you planning to do now?

L.

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 01:51 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

so sorry to hear this- hope you are ok. there seems to be a party going on in jail somewhere. i would love to join in, but im a little to sneaky to get caught!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

i will however stop by to visit with some home cooked goddies!!