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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 342
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llama Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2002
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What I am saying is - long before the affair, perhaps while dating, during the engagement or early in the marriage - did you ever have the discussion about infidelity?

In my situation we did - and both of us agreed that having an affair of any sort would be a "deal breaker" (completely unacceptable, etc.)We had lengthy discussions about trust, etc.

Just curious to know how many others had these in-depth discussions about infidelity prior to the affair.

Thanks,
LLama

Joined: Oct 2002
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When my best friend was an OM, my W and I had the pleasure of trying to tell him to do the right thing. I recall telling her that I would NEVER do that to her.

I hazy on this but I also believe we agreed that it would not necessarily be a "deal breaker" but that it would be extremely difficult. Little did I know that I would be in that situation.

Joined: Sep 2000
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Never discussed it at length that I recall. My sense is that we "knew" it wouldn't happen because we had too much sense and too much appreciation of family due to the life lessons we learned through our son's illness and death. Oh well.

Joined: Oct 2002
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I remember while dating my H (not even thinking of marriage yet) telling him that if either of us did something with another person that the relationship was over. When we married I told him we would work thru everything but two things--one, if he ever hit me, he was out the door, and if either of us was unfaithful, it was over.

Ironically, it was me who got involved with someone else!! And small wonder, he actually forgave me!! That still blows my mind!! I don't think he would have forgiven me if it had turned physical (mine was an EA), but it still boggles my mind that he has forgiven me at all. I know now that I am a lucky woman, and I hope to never endanger his trust in me again. Only with God's help will I be able to keep that promise.

~C~

Joined: May 2002
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Hi all, I've been lurking for at least a few weeks but just had to respond to this.

I was the WS in my first marriage (at 19!) so my now second XH (jeez, I have to number them!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and I made an agreement that if we were ever so attracted to someone that we were going to do something stupid, we'd talk about it first. Theoretically, that way something could be done, MC perhaps, before anyone got really hurt.

That never happened. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Joined: May 2002
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My exW and I had the discusssion, many times... she always accused me of cheating on her through almost 24 yrs of our M.

We both stated to each other, that if we ever found out that the other one went out and had an affair... our M would be over.

She said that she would never ever consider having an affair.

Well I never cheated, and she did... more times than I can remember.

Was it a deal breaker... you bet it was. When I found out... I ended it.

I have a nice "lady friend" that is D, because her exH didn't know how to act. The subject has come up between us... will it be a deal breaker if we decide to get married and she goes out and has an affair... you bet it will be.

Hoefully I won't make the same mistake twice... but there is no guarantees on anything in life.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Joined: Dec 2002
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My WW and I discussed it and agreed that it would be a deal breaker. She did, I am still waiting for her to come home. I think that is why she never told me about it and denied it so strongly until I found proof.

That is what bothers me so much is that I always said I was gone, but now I am still here. Love is crazy!
STTSI

Joined: Jan 2002
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In depth discussion about our individual needs for fidelity? NO. HOWEVER...H knew my history with xH, what part xH's betrayal played in the breakdown of that marriage. We did discuss my absolute need for honesty and trust in my mate. He knew about my own values and morals where betrayal was concerned. Before it happened to us...I would have said it would be a dealbreaker...yet...I stayed...and I am glad I did.

Joined: Jul 2001
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ummm... yes.... sort of.

The only discussions I can remember are:

- joking about the Lorena Bobbitt story... and I jokingly threatened to do the same to him if he ever cheated.

- both of us being disgusted by Clinton's "activities"

- several discussions throughout our marriage of how he would never repeat what his father did (which was to walk away from them)

- one in-depth discussion about A's when I caught him secretly e-mailing and possibly talking to women from online games sites... a few months prior to the A (geez... I still hate that I didn't see that red flag!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

Joined: Mar 2002
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Since this all happened...I told him that if this cr@p happens after we are married, it is definitely a deal-breaker.

Joined: May 2002
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An affair happens for a reason. The reason is never good enough. All Affairs are sin, and God does not like sin. What makes it a deal breaker is if remorse or guilt are not expressed. If your spouse continues to do things after the affair is over that are not honest, then you have another problem. Once a liar always a liar - this pattern can be broken, if one chooses too. I choose to tell the truth, cause I want my spouse to know that I am honest in what I say and God knows who is telling the truth. My wayward spouse wants to tell the truth too.

So if the affair is over, and both parties feel sadly about what happened, and say with remorse that they are sorry, there is no need for the marriage to dissolve.

You know, you could talk to the person you are dating about betrayal. But until it happens, you really don't know what is going to happen betwen the two of you, and how you will feel. I am letting God help me, and handle this terrible pain that I am experiencing.

We talked about betrayal in our dating. My husband did have several woman in his life before me. And he told me about his experiences with them. I have to say, that I didn't like the fact that he did this act with them, but I did like the fact that he was honest with me. Forgiveness is something that God wants us all to do. And I have not 100% forgiven my husband. But I have forgiven him and what he did was out of lust, and fantasy. We all make mistakes, and when the betrayed can forgive, that is the right step to take.


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