I just talked to my wife on the phone, and she was really upset. I had ordered HNHN today from Amazon. My wife went online at work and saw HNHN AFFAIR PROOFING YOUR MARRIAGE. Granted,I think she is having one, but I don't have the proof yet. Anyway, I tried to explain to her that I got the book to better understand a womans emotional needs as well as mine. That I am under the impression that the book mostely covers emotions and communication. I did not purchase the book to read about affairs, which is true. I purchased the book to try and better understand what her needs might be. I told her because we never talk anymore. She said that she does not understand what she is feeling, thats why she cant talk to me. I said that maybe she could also read it, but got no reply. I did tell her again that I am here for her when she does want to talk. I also told her that I'm in this for the long haul. When she calls later, I think I will tell her some more of my feelings.
What do you all think about what I said about the book, and telling her some more of my feelings.

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: Bilbo ]</small>

Bilbo, I think the book is a wonderful tool! I bought it also and have read only a bit so far, and My H is reading it too. I think your explanation to her was good.
Any marriage can use improvment and the relationship books help us understand our mates better. I'd be thrilled if my H actually suggested the books instead of me having to ask about them.
Next, I think discussing your feelings should wait until you're face to face. If she's calling from work, it's not a good time, nor will you have all of her attention. You want her relaxed and free to listen when you tell her your feelings.
God bless, LouLou

Thank you LadyLou, unfortunatly my wife is staying at her mom's tonight, but atleast I think I broke the ice a little on all of this. She still says that she does'nt know why she is feeling like she is, but I think if I can talk to her and tell her that I'm trying to understand and find areas where I might have failed as a husband, that might open her up even more.

Anybody else have some input?

Update. I talked to my wife again on the phone. A little about HNHN. To make this short, I dis'nt get into feelings much, but she continues to tell me that none of this is my fault. I told her that if I had met all of her needs that we probably would not be in this situation. Again says that she does'nt know why she is feeling the way she is, and that she is not meeting my needs. I asked her "you have absolutly no idea". She said well maybe one, but I would'nt want to share it with you right now.
I feel like I made a little progress, not really a baby step, but maybe a skooch in the right direction. She also cried a little while on the phone.
Am I doing ok with plan A. When should I talk to her more about my feelings. I don't want to push to much.

P.S. Wife called again when I was in bed. Said she was comming home because she did'nt have her glasses or contact solution. She has done this before. Could this be an excuse, to come home without making me feel like she just want's to come home?

Bilbo--re the contacts, I've put mine in water glasses many times, so I think it is an excuse...but that's ok.

Your W saying she doesn't know why she's feeling this way, that's usually wayward spouse speak for "I'm not going to tell you I'm confused about you and my affair."

I think you're doing fine with ordering the book, it is helpful. You didn't confront her with her affair, you said you wanted to work on your marriage. That kind of betrayed spouse behavior often causes guilt and confusion in the WS--and it is something she has to deal with but you can give her loving support, if she will let you.

Thank you Lor, I'm trying my best to do plan A to the best of my abilities. But being new to this kind of action, I just need some pointers, and other peoples views who have gone through this.

Maybe her feelings are telling her the A is right. Or how can a good person have these feelings? Her thinking might be telling her the A is wrong and that she should come home. That's the basic conflict for a lot of folks.

Keep up the Plan A. It helps you mostly. And it helps your WS to minimize the negative feelings that are telling her the A is justified by your actions. Will that be enough to overcome the "positive" ones of the A? Don't know. But it levels the playing field more in your favor.

FWIW, I suggested to a person to buy Love Busters rather than Surviving An Affair, because the word Affair can be perceived in a way that causes unnecessary difficulty. Oh well - live and learn.

btw, since you asked in a non-specific manner, here are the Plan A pointers....

Plan A 101

If you have specific questions, then ask away.