I found out that my boyfriend, whom I have a 9 month old with, and help parent 3 other kids - 2 his, one mine.....sent very sexual emails back & forth with a co-worker for about a month. He swears that nothing more happened but i can't help but worry if they had sex. He said if I called & confronted her, we would be over. I told him that seemed suspicious but he said that he just didn't want the embarrasment at work of her confronting/*****ing at him. To me, if someone is willing to forgive you, you would be willing to do whatever it takes. But anyway, I found this lie detector that you can buy over the internet. He says he will take the lie detector test to prove his innocence, but that once he does, he will also end our relationship. I told him that seemed suspicious too because he knows I would do anything to keep us together so if he threatens to end the relationship, then he knows I will drop the lie dectector thing. This is just eating me alive. I can't let the worry go but I don't want us over. Can someone help me please?

What he is saying is completely unreasonable.

I think you must know that he's not being honest with you, and he's trying to manipulate you into not making him doing certain things (confront the other woman, take the lie detector test) These are not the actions of a man who has been honest and has nothing more to hide.

I'm sorry -- I'm sure this is very painful for you.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lexxxy:
So, Lexxxy...you really think he is lying? He says he has nothing to lose because we're not married and because I'm not currently working. He's like, what's the worst you could do to me if I told u we had sex? He's like u can't take my house or our son & you already drive me crazy with questions....

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lexxxy:
So, Lexxxy...you really think he is lying? He says he has nothing to lose because we're not married and because I'm not currently working. He's like, what's the worst you could do to me if I told u we had sex? He's like u can't take my house or our son & you already drive me crazy with questions....

Jen,
Would he tolerate this behavior from you if the roles were reversed? No. He is lying and he feels he has the control over you because you are dependant on him? I have lived this and I am living this so I know how you feel. If he's not willing to still your minds and protect your heart what does that say? I feel it says that he is not looking out for your best interests. Have you both taken the questinares? It would be wise to see if he wants to engage in working through them with you to gauge his sincerity. JMHO.

Please take care and keep us posted.

Do you think those are the comments of someone who loves you or someone who is using you?

What does he have to lose? The maid and nanny and the cook and the readily available sex he has with you. It wouldn't be fun for him if you left him to fend for himself. He sounds like a big, childish bully. Call his bluff honey, your life will be miserable forever if you don't stand up to him, respect yourself and demand he respect you as well. Most certainly he'll have to pay child support for his kid and let him take care of his others on his own. Do you have supportive family? Go live there until he can get his act together. He's not worth keeping if he treats you this way and you're not even married.. Hugs to you, now go get some help!

So, you guys really think he's lying? That just kills me. He has sworn up & down that he is telling the truth. I have given him multiple opportunities to fess up & even told him that I would be willing to stay with him if he did have sex with her, as long as he fessed up. He says his answer does not change - that he has already told me the truth. Right after he told me, I got so upset that I had my mom call him - I don't know why - and it made things so bad that he asked me to leave & give him a weekend to himself. I stayed with my mom, which was a nightmare - she was gone taking care of my grandma & left me with my stepdad who is mean, her dogs & cats caused my allergies to go ballistic and my son had nowhere to crawl because there house isn't really baby proof. He went out clubbing that night & relaxed the next day...I got to come back Sunday night - gee thanks. He swears that nothing happened then either. I don't want to lose him. Does anynone think that maybe trying to get somebody at work to help me find out the truth would be wise? I used to work there so I know everybody...

So, you guys really think he's lying? That just kills me. He has sworn up & down that he is telling the truth. I have given him multiple opportunities to fess up & even told him that I would be willing to stay with him if he did have sex with her, as long as he fessed up. He says his answer does not change - that he has already told me the truth. Right after he told me, I got so upset that I had my mom call him - I don't know why - and it made things so bad that he asked me to leave & give him a weekend to himself. I stayed with my mom, which was a nightmare - she was gone taking care of my grandma & left me with my stepdad who is mean, her dogs & cats caused my allergies to go ballistic and my son had nowhere to crawl because there house isn't really baby proof. He went out clubbing that night & relaxed the next day...I got to come back Sunday night - gee thanks. He swears that nothing happened then either. I don't want to lose him. Does anynone think that maybe trying to get somebody at work to help me find out the truth would be wise? I used to work there so I know everybody...

Why would you leave your own home, with all of those little ones, to let him have a weekend to himself because he's mad?

I don't know...because he said if I didn't leave, he would and I felt better knowing where he was. I could drive by if I wanted, etc. He cheated on his ex-wife 3 times - yes, I was one of the 3 but I was the only one of the 3 that was sexual. He says he cheated with her because he wasn't attracted to her, was only staying for the kids & because they weren't having sex but maybe once a year. This all started the 1st week of January....a piece of paper fell out of his pocket when he took something out to show me. I went to pick it up to hand it back & he almost wrestled me to the ground to get it back. He refused to show it to me and even left the house to dispose of it. After 2 days of non-stop crying, he finally told me that it was a phone number & directions to a house that he had been considering moving to when our lease is up, but without the "evidence", I will never know if that's really what was on the paper. The following week is when I learned about the emails with the co-worker - the co-worker by the way, who took over my job when I went on maternity leave. I have grilled him repeatedly and he still swears that nothing more happened and that if I can't get over it & stop asking him questions, we're over. I just want to know the truth..

I don't know...because he said if I didn't leave, he would and I felt better knowing where he was. I could drive by if I wanted, etc. He cheated on his ex-wife 3 times - yes, I was one of the 3 but I was the only one of the 3 that was sexual. He says he cheated with her because he wasn't attracted to her, was only staying for the kids & because they weren't having sex but maybe once a year. This all started the 1st week of January....a piece of paper fell out of his pocket when he took something out to show me. I went to pick it up to hand it back & he almost wrestled me to the ground to get it back. He refused to show it to me and even left the house to dispose of it. After 2 days of non-stop crying, he finally told me that it was a phone number & directions to a house that he had been considering moving to when our lease is up, but without the "evidence", I will never know if that's really what was on the paper. The following week is when I learned about the emails with the co-worker - the co-worker by the way, who took over my job when I went on maternity leave. I have grilled him repeatedly and he still swears that nothing more happened and that if I can't get over it & stop asking him questions, we're over. I just want to know the truth..

Jen, I'm really sorry you are in such a bad situation. I can feel the hurt in your posts. But dear, you must be objective about this situation. This is not a "good" man you have here. He is not marriage material. He cheated on his first wife, he's cheating on you, you can bet on it. Relationships that start off as an affair, as yours did with him, statistically have only about a 5% chance of ever making it. That 5% success rate only comes when the cheater has learned something from his past mistakes and makes changes in themselves.

It doesn't appear that that is the case in your situation. He's emotionally abusive to you, and that is not ok. He will continue to be this way until you draw some healthy boundaries and yes, you may lose him. But let me tell you, there is better out there for you. You must ask yourself why it is ok with you to let yourself be treated this way. No one deserves this kind of treatment. You appease him because you're afraid of what he'll do, where he'll go. That isn't a relationship built upon love and respect. You deserve better honey.

Will it really matter if you know the truth but he is unwilling to change? What happens when you find out the truth and then he's mad again and bullies you some more? If your own daughter came to you and told you the story you're telling here what would be your advice to her?

Jen, get some help. Do you have anyone that you can live with while you get some counseling and build yourself up? Having a man like this is NOT better than having no man at all. You are better off by yourself, on assistance and trying to build a life for you and your kids than with a man like this. You are not even married and he treats you badly, marriage will not make this any better and neither will staying in the relationship letting him do whatever he wants while you walk on eggshells and fear his response to anything that upsets him. That is not a healthy way to live and is not the example about relationships that you want to set for your children. Your situation is about more than his cheating. Please consider what I have said and keep posting. Lots of hugs for you!

Obviously, I can't know if your BF is lying or not. But the signs are horribly against him.

Even assuming there was a small chance that he were telling the truth, he is being very, very immature and abusive about it. Does he even know what "respect for others" is? If he does, he is not showing it to you.

I don't know enough about your total situation to make an evaluation, but that is something you need to do.

I wish I knew enough about you to know whether to advise, "find someone you trust (and is mature) to help".

This is to mthrrhbard...thank you so much for your kind words. I feel so lost. He is very mean about this. He says I need to be tormented with questions, like I've done to him. I'm sorry but if someone cheats on you, whether verbal or physical, it hurts, particuarly when you've been a good partner. I know I have driven him crazy with questions about his relationship with his ex-wife and some issues with my daughter and our son but all in all, no one would have done more to make this a happy thing than I have. I knw I'm worth more than this but I just can't let go. I just want to know the truth and it's ruling my life thinking and agonizing about this. Can I give you my personal email address?

This is to mthrrhbard...thank you so much for your kind words. I feel so lost. He is very mean about this. He says I need to be tormented with questions, like I've done to him. I'm sorry but if someone cheats on you, whether verbal or physical, it hurts, particuarly when you've been a good partner. I know I have driven him crazy with questions about his relationship with his ex-wife and some issues with my daughter and our son but all in all, no one would have done more to make this a happy thing than I have. I knw I'm worth more than this but I just can't let go. I just want to know the truth and it's ruling my life thinking and agonizing about this. Can I give you my personal email address?

Jen ... please be patient with the response after you click the "Add Reply" button.

And he's lying to you.

This is to whippit - thank you for the Dr. Phil quote - I love him! Tell me, just based on what I have said, why do YOU think he's lying?

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you confront her, even though nothing happened, your relationship is over.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he takes a lie detector test, even though he says he would pass, your relationship is over.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is there to hide? And why do these things hold such drastic consequences for you? Did he ever come clean to his ex-wife about his affairs? If he hasn't addressed any of the issues he has that led to his previous affairs (and it sounds like he didn't), he's dragged that baggage into your relationship.
One of the things we do here is help each other -- and ourselves -- learn how to trust instincts. They're usually fairly accurate. The way your bf is acting isn't significantly different than any number of other wayward partners have acted.

I recommend you browse the links posted from this page. You'll find a lot of great resources.

Whippit - I have given him every opportunity to confess and he already knows I will stay with him if he did cheat, so what is there to lose? He said, "I wish I would have slept with her. At least then enduring your questions would be worth it" I mean, he has tried to end this multiple times. It's not like he's afraid to lose me and he definately has the upper hand - i have no money, no job, no insurance...so it's not like I could take anything from him - not that I'm that kind of person anyway. So, what doe she have to lose by telling me?

JD:

Whippit's statement

"The way your bf is acting isn't significantly different than any number of other wayward partners have acted."

is right on the money. Your H's reaction to your questions is a blazing neon red flag. There's almost NO chance that he's NOT having an A. And even if it hasn't been a PA, it certainly is/was an EA. EAs can be much more harmful to the M than PAs, mainly because the dividing line between "friendship" and "affair" can be so muddied by the WS.

please take care,
-Qfwfq