Whippit - I have given him every opportunity to confess and he already knows I will stay with him if he did cheat, so what is there to lose? He said, "I wish I would have slept with her. At least then enduring your questions would be worth it" I mean, he has tried to end this multiple times. It's not like he's afraid to lose me and he definately has the upper hand - i have no money, no job, no insurance...so it's not like I could take anything from him - not that I'm that kind of person anyway. So, what doe she have to lose by telling me?

Whippit - To answer your questino of why the cnsequences are so dyer for me - I honestly don't know and don't understand his train of thought. He was the one who messed up & all I want is some reassurnace. One would think that he would be willing to give that to me, seeing as I forgave him. As far as contacting her, he just says that he dosen't need her griping at him at work, and possibly getting him fired because I'm "harassing her". As for the lie test, he says he will take it but if I have that much aof a lack of trust un him, that the relationship is not worth salvaging anyway. To answer your other question, his first EA, the girl called his ex-wife so no, he did not willingly confess. The 2nd affair was emotional with a b*ow job on the side and no, he did not confess. The 3rd was me and it was an EA and a PA and he did not confess, for fear of losing his kids.

Jen if you click on the icon above the post that has the envelope and 2 people you can send me your e-mail address without posting it on the board.

to mtt - I clicked on the icon & it says I am not authorized to send private emails....so I will just take a chance here - my email address is Msmims2004@aol.com

It's just like what Dr. Phil says....if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

Qfwfq answered you much better than I could have. He's a smart guy.

To jph - Dr. Phil is super wise and I totally agree but here's the deal on that. He and even his family have told me that he didn't want to marry his ex...and that he only stayed with her for the sake of the kids. He said she was unattractive and he didn't love her, didn't want to be with her and they almost never had sex. With me though, our sex is like a porno movie - I mean, he truly could not want anything in that area, you know? I guss my deal is, I have given him every opportunity to tell me more, with no fear of retaliation (I don't have any power anyway) and it's not like he's scared of losing me, so why not spill it? What would he lose? I've taken so much crap off of him as it is - physical stuff, etc.....what difference would one more thing make, you know?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen David:
To answer your other question, his first EA, the girl called his ex-wife so no, he did not willingly confess. The 2nd affair was emotional with a b*ow job on the side and no, he did not confess. The 3rd was me and it was an EA and a PA and he did not confess, for fear of losing his kids.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So now he's going to be completely honest with you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen David:
I've taken so much crap off of him as it is - physical stuff, etc.....what difference would one more thing make, you know?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you're being abused -- physically or otherwise -- grab your kids and get out. His infidelities are the least of your concerns.

Whippit - I asked him that question - if he wsn't honest with her then why would I think he would be honest with me. Basically, he said what I've already said...that with his ex-wife, they were married and so an admission of infidelity could cause him some serious trouble in court. We are NOT married. They also had a mortgage, a nice house, nice vehicles, nice things, and although he didn't love her, he didn't want to leave his "things" or be a part time dad to his kids. We are renting his parents old house & the lease is up in June. He's asked me to leave multiple times, he's been physical with me and I've taken plenty of crap from him so it's not like he's afraid that I will leave, you know? I mean, it's like Dr. Phil said, we are so far off in the ditch, why not admit it? I have put up with so much and I have no options in terms of anywhere to stay, etc...so why not fess up? I mean, it's not likek I could do anything about it. The whole family knows about this so it isn't like there's anything to hide or any image to preserve like his "marriage of convenience" before.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen David:
He's asked me to leave multiple times, he's been physical with me and I've taken plenty of crap from him so it's not like he's afraid that I will leave, you know? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what are you waiting on? Go. Do you not deserve better? Do your children not deserve better? That your parents' house isn't babyproof isn't an excuse. That can be changed. Find a shelter for women and go there. And he has lots to lose ... control. You leave and there goes his control.

Jen,
Did I understand you correctly that he cheated on his ex-wife with 3 other women and you were one of them? Knowing that, did you honestly think he was not going to cheat on you given his emotionally abusive nature and how he is behaving. You know what he said about his XW, what is he saying about you that he might not want you to find out if you confront the OW?

I truly hurt for you, but it's time to think about you and what you can do about making it better for you. He's making his choices and they are not in your best interest.

You characterized his former relationship as "marriage of convenience" ..... this relationship you currently have is EVEN LESS MEANINGFUL than a marriage of convenience!!!!

You are a live-in babysitter/girlfriend who is totally dependent on him for every spoonful of gruel that goes into your mouth. You have effectively trained him to abuse you. Are you imagining he is going to change his spots for some reason?

This is who he is. A mean, dominating son-of-a-gun ..... is this the life you want? Go live with your parents if you have to.

Jen...bless your heart...

He talked badly about his wife...not attractive, nothing physical going on, didn't want to marry her, etc...yet he did marry her and was concerned about his children. He has/had little respect for her yet did manage to marry her and stay.

Look what he's done to you. Neither has he married you or provided for you. In fact, he's perfectly willing to put you out on the street.
I'm sure he's talked badly to this new woman about you too...and what he's has said is probably as bad if not worse than what he said about his ex-wife. It's not you, it wasn't her..it's him.

Sweetie, if it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, well then it's a duck. Stop trying to rationalize this out, stop trying to make him be something else and stop trying to take the responsibility of this on yourself.

You're wanting him to admit to something that he cannot believe you don't already know. Like I said..."If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you." Dr. Phil.

Well, it got worse. A trusted co-worker called me last night to tell me that when she walked by my boyfriend's desk when he was gone to lunch, he had accidentally left his email up nd she saw an email between him & the OW. He deined it and said that she was lying. He finally confessed and said that they've been talking for the past 2 days, not sexually, but about how much their relationships suck. Then he tells me that we are over but I can stay here until I find somewhere else to live. He didn't sleep in our bed last night & he won't let me touch him or try & work this out. I still want him. I can barely get out of bed, let alone take care of my kids. I am so sad. I don't think I can go on.

"I still want him." .... really? And is that because he treats you so well, cherishes you, holds you in high regard, respects you as a person and gives you what you need from a man?

JD:

Please get help. You are in a very depressed state, and you need someone to talk to you that knows how to deal with situations like this.

I have faith in your ability to grow from this awful experience. I predict that, before long, you will look back at this day as a golden opportunity to change your life and that of your kids for the better. With a new perspective, the world really can be a beautiful place!

All my best to you and your kids,
-Qfwfq

Now it's even worse. That trusted co-worker went and told her boss that I confronted my boyfriend about the emails, for fear that he would retaliate against her & cause her to lose her job. He called me and says that if he gets in trouble over this, we are permanently over, with no chance to reconcile and I have to be out tonight. He hasn't called me yet to tell me what happened & the agony of sitting here waiting is killing me.

Jen:

" He called me and says that if he gets in trouble over this, we are permanently over, with no chance to reconcile and I have to be out tonight. "

Cripes, Jen, what will it be next time? "we are totally permanently over for the rest of time until the next Big Crunch?"

Your BF is a goof.
-Qfwfq

Jen ...

Your bf is, indeed, a goof. You're getting good advice here. Take it.