I just posted the drama in the plan A/plan B section. I think I am doing plan A, but need some reassurances that I am not making things worse.

H revealed A beginning of Dec.(had been going on for @ 3 months) said he wanted to make the marriage work. He doesn't want to go to hell and can't stand the thought of not seeing his children every day. HN/HN recommened by our minister. I started reading, him not so much. He is interested in hearing the highlights and doing what he feels he can to help, but not really interested in reading himself or doing the plan to the letter. I have read many books all of which are helpful, but still I feel like I am out there aimlessly floating.

He agreed to no contact although did not feel that was absolutely necessary. We do worship at the same church and therefore see her Sundays and Wednesdays(I believe this could be hindering withdrawal phase and only reminds him of what he had with her), but not much right now to be done for it.

7 weeks into working on it, he admitted there had been contact every 3-4 days by phone. She called him because she was worried about him. He misses the friendship. He called her as well after she initiated. I told him this is it. Anything else and he has to leave. He says he wants to make this work and I do believe him. I just don't know if he can DO it.

Should I have gone to plan B then? I didn't really have it all in my head then what exactly my plan B was going to be, so I did the best I could. We have agreed that if he doesn't mess up by June that we will go on our 2 week family vacation and re-evaluate how we both feel we are doing. Us with the rebuilding and trying to feel that romantic love again and him dealing with his feelings for her. If he does, then I will write my plan B letter. He knows that this entails him leaving and possibly the girls and I leaving.

I asked him if we could sit down this weekend and actually write out what we see our options as when June comes. One of the things we have talked about is for the girls and I to stay after our family vacation with family (although it is his, as mine is non-existent)for a month, so that he will have a real idea of what he would be dealing with if we can't work through this. No contact with me and very limited access to the girls.

Part of me thinks, she will just use this opportunity to suck him back in (although her husband would be tracking them closely), and part of me thinks it is possible that he is willing to do this, so that he will be able to see her, even if it is only for a little while, but then there is part of me that wants to know if this is a lost cause, so that I can just move on and try to somehow make my childrens lives and my own as well happy again.

Any comments or suggestions would be helpful.
Thanks, Robbin

I think YOU are doing great! You are clear in what will be your boundaries, and yet you are loving.

Good for you.

"He agreed to no contact although did not feel that was absolutely necessary.".... THIS made me laugh out loud! LOL! What he considers "absolutely necessary" says he's thinking about what is necessary for HIM .... Make sure your H understands that NC is absolutely necessary for the marriage.

No NC = no marriage. It is necessary FOR YOU .... and, doesn't that matter to him? Ask him, "Does what I need matter?"

My opinion is this .... change churches, or go to a different time of service.

It's not time for plan B yet.

Thank you Pepper,
I don't really feel that everything is hopeless and I did give H the No contact or you go talk. I think he gets it and I have come to some peace that what happens now on that front is on him. I really don't need to check up on him all that much, because her husband is doing it all the time.

We don't belong to a church with more than one service and my faith and what I believe are very specific, so changing churches is not really a feasible option. If we moved we could do this, but I am not willing to uproot the girls until the end of the school year. Frankly his faith has been shaken pretty hard. He had walked so far away from God, that I don't know if he can get back or not. Either way, it is very clear to me that I need to be sure that I am doing all that God wants me to be doing. In my relationship with H and in my Christian walk.

Thank you for your encouragement I really need that now as I wonder if I am ever going to be truly happy again.

Robbin

Robbin,
You can be happy again.
You know, one of Gods favorite people was David. God forgave him of adultry and murder (just to show you what a "fog" is - he killed a good friend so his affair would not be found out).
Your H can recover his relationship with God and you.
I also think you should not attend church with OW I mean no contact means NO contact.
I think you should read "torn assunder" it talks about a timeline for "withdrawel" for your H. He is addicted to how OW makes him feel (special,sexxy,smart, - whatever) and it will take time for the "fog" to clear and for him to see clearly.
I also do not think you should leave him alone until he is done with withdrawel and can make rational choices.
May God Bless you both with wisdom
L

I agree with sad princess NC means NC. I know it would be hard not going to church but everytime he sees her I am sure it is a trigger.
Keep going hard core on the plan A right now.
Use this time to be the one to make him special.
Make him accountable for his time. Don't let your guard down just yet.
Good luck!!
Layli

Plan A is for dealing with an ongoing affair. This is your situation, Plan A is absolutely applicable.

Dr. Harley recommends up to/or at least a 6 month Plan A--and that is with the realization that the affair may be ongoing.

My own Plan A was 18 month, the FOW was and is my H's co-worker. We separated 7 times, my Plan A lasted through the first 6 separations. So, 7 weeks doesn't seem too bad to me, even seeing her at church...though, that isn't anything anyone, me included, would like.

H & I have been in recovery 2 1/2+ years. And it was totally worth the 18 month Plan A, plus the 5 months of separation that followed that, I did give up and serve the D papers myself, but we reconciled after that.

We renewed our vows this January and my H & I have a great marriage, and I am so please that our family is intact (we'll celebrate a 20 year marriage anniv. this year) and we're in love and it is just a great optimal outcome.

So, for you, I would advise you do a really good Plan A. 7 weeks probably isn't enough. Go at least 3 months. He is trying, he hasn't left you> It will be more difficult for both of you, as he will see her at church and, the affair is more likely to resume than if there was absolutely no contact, but if you want to be with the father of your children, what do you have to lose (besides some months) by seeing if he is able to be the man he wishes to be?

If nothing else, you will know that you did the right thing. You will not have any regrets that you didn't give it YOUR best try...and that will lead you to a personal recovery, if in fact your husband cannot do the right thing.