my wife and I had a great and fun and romantic relationship for years in our marrige. We left the church about four years ago and got involved in pornography and swinging. It was my idea but she really took to it. After a year and half we decided that we new better and walked away from it all and came back to God on our knees. It has been great to be with the lord again and my relationship is stonger then ever with him. Since we quit swinging our sex life has been almost none existant. I read His needs Her needs and learned and implamented his councel but still nothing. She says that when we are having sex and she starts to get excited memorys of things in the past flash in her head and she loses all interest. She tells me she loves me and she thinks about being with me during the day but when it comes right down to it she always has flash backs. To me it seems like it is always something. My salvation is worth more to me then finding someone to fill that need but I am begining to be angry and not want to put the energy forward to meet her needs... I know that will make it worse so it is not an option but I don't like the feelings I am haveing...Thoughts and ideas PLEASE...

A lack of sexual willingness could be a lot of things, given your history. Is your wife in agreement about being back in church? Does she blame you for getting her into swinging...or suffer guilt? remorse? unforgiveness on either of your parts?

"Flash back" almost sounds like a trauma reflex.

Have the 2 of you been to Christian counseling?

Does she shy away from your touch as well? Can you nonsexually touch her...back & foot rubs, pats, hugs?

The other things, to keep her mind during sex in the present, that she is with you only, keep the lights on, face to face, both with eyes open, you speaking her name.

yes she is in agreement about going back to church and she says she did it all for me..but you would never had known it at that time. We were seeking counsel untel the money ran out.I can hold her and message her. I try to meet her needs. She thinks 2or3 times a month is enough sex. She thinks I make to much out of it. Sometimes I feel like I do but its like I have to work alot to get a little. I have tryed backing off but that did nothing either. I have been out of work for awhile. Bills building up. I know the stresses of life affect her more than I but I still have needs. I feel like there is nothing I can do. She gets mad if I get upset about it. She hugs and kisses me and tells me she loves me during the day. Arrrg what do I do?

mke,
2 or 3 times month...I think you are probably in your 20s, maybe 30s, haven't balanced out that sometimes...SF ENs don't match.

If she says she did it all for you...why do you doubt it?

If she did it enthusiastically...couldn't it still have been because it was something she did for you, or because it was something she knew you wanted?

You say you led her into it...so...take the responsibility. I do happen to subscribe to 1 Peter 3:4-7. She was a submissive wife to you, even though, as her husband, what you wanted was not good for her or the marriage. I also think she was submissive in error, but...when the husband leads and the wife follows, he is responsible. Don't misunderstand, I believe as a Christian and joining in adultery, she is wrong as well, but she was following you.

That the situation will require time & healing seems obvious.

In addition, as you say, you aren't currently providing the EN of Financial Support...thats a need too, equally as important as Sexual Fulfillment.

The top ENs do change, depending on both, what is important, and what is being met. If your wife is fulfiling financial support, her need for sexual fulfillment may be less...and she may be tired. How are you meeting her Emotional Needs?