I just found this site and started posting. Do you regret having done the separation agreement? H and I are walking through scenarios this weekend, because I can't stop worrying about what i will do if we can't make this work. He revealed the A then had phone contact and I told him that was it. I feel that we are working and doing well now and if he falls again it is really on him and I will follow through with Plan B. But I feel the need to work through sort of our own separation agreement. We are being able to talk about these things kindly and try to think in the best interests of the children, but by doing this, am I making it easy for him to feel like things would be ok if we separated and maybe he could go back to the OW? I sort of feel like we are setting ourselves up to deal with the inevitable, when actually we are moving forward and doing well. I don't want to rose colored glass everything, but I don't want to just drift apart because it wouldn't be too difficult to separate with us being nice. Just thought you might have some insight as to whether we should even be discussing any of this.

Robbin

I'm not sure I regret writing the separation agreement up, but I certainly regret moving out.

My H tried getting me to agree to a Sep. Agr. several times before I ever gave in. I don't think the act of sitting down, figuring out what all your assets are, and how they would be divided is like sealing a casket or anything. It's just writing things on paper, signing it and making it a legal agreement. We made sure to word the end of it saying that the house would remain joint until/unless we actually divorced, but that we'd split everything else.

If his only contact with OW has been a phonecall, I'd say it's too soon to be writing up a Sep. Agr.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel that we are working and doing well now and if he falls again it is really on him and I will follow through with Plan B. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd therefore say wait until he fails again, and then do Plan B, and perhaps do the Sep. Agr. as part of Plan B. BUT what would Plan B mean for you? Who would move out? Where would you live? I guess you should be sure to know in advance what Plan B would mean for you.

It sounds kind of like you think this may be a good time to write up a Sep. Agr. because you're getting along, and you fear that if/when he relapses, you won't be able to continue to be "so nice" to each other, and sit down as two adults and write up the Sep. Agr.

All things considered, I think if you suggest writing up a Sep. Agr., it's like telling your H you expect him to fail (you call it the "inevitable"), rather than having any faith in him at all to give up OW and work on your M. If you want to have any chance of saving your M, you must show your H that you have faith in him, IMHO.

Have you tried getting him to write a NC letter?

I'd say don't do the Sep. Agr., unless your H runs back to the OW and you're forced into Plan B.

That's just my quick take on things, late at night, after a week of hell, the night before my FIL's memorial service. I hope it's at least somewhat helpful.

Jen

Hi Robbin,

Welcome to MB.

In another post of yours you say
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Part of me thinks he will never truly be able to love me again this way unless he overcomes his feelings for her and part of me thinks that if I just keep working on meeting EN's and avoiding LB's that eventually my balance will get higher and then maybe he will be able to start making large deposits.

Maybe then we will be able to make enough deposits to push us over the romantic threshold and we will feel that passion for each other again. And maybe at that point his feelings for me will overshadow his feelings for her and allow them to fade into the background.

Is this too hopeful? Am I living in a fantasy world? I need someone to tell me I am fooling myself, if I am.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is Plan A. It's tough to go through but can happen! It's hopeful, but that's what you need to get through this horrible event. It's a roller coaster of emotions that is tough to ride. You can do it.

As far as the kids are concerned. Do they know what's going on? One thing, I believe is crucial is that your husband has to have a no contact agreement with her. Jen is right in writing a letter to her with him. It sounds like he wants to give your marriage a shot. Be patient and give it a shot. He'll stumble and you'll stumble. Just pick each other up and get back on your road to recovery. Read the HNHN and Surviving an Affair. These are great tools for recovery. He will have withdrawal - which he has experienced. Keep working hard at it.

You both say you are Christians. I once heard from a pastor, and I thought it was great advice, that if you claim you are a Christian, then follow what God says. (Applies more to your husband) If you can't do that, ie. affairs that don't end, don't be a hypocrite and say your are when your arn't. Deny him out loud. Most folks that say that they are Christian can't do this. Well, isn't what you are doing(affair) doing just that? Isn't what your are showing to your spouse, children, friends just that? Why not end it, say you are and actually mean it! Forgiveness and love goes a long way!

May I ask why it seems that you are quick to think of Plan B/seperation? It seems to be awfully early in this to do so, especially when your WS is interested in recovery. Well, good luck and I'll say a prayer for you.