Well, my long anticipated visit with my WW has come to a close. We had not physically seen each other since Nov. 2nd or even spoken since Dec. 7th. All contact had been strictly by e-mail since that point.

Our D-day was 10-19-02 and her A has been going on since roughly 7-02. It was an EA for the first couple of months and a PA since September to the best of my knowledge. I am 35, she is 33 and we have no kids. Additionally, no history of abuse or major problems in the 8 year marriage- just your typical story of drifting apart (lack of communication, intimacy, passion, etc.)

How did the visit go? I really don't know how to answer that question. I thought that I had properly set myself up emotionally with very low expectations- and that is pretty much what I received.

She came to our home to visit me and the "boys", our two dogs that we both love very much. She stayed for about 4 hours and basically all we did is talk. The conversation was of the "chit chat" variety, strictly catching up on friends and family as she has been pretty much out of the loop and has had zero contact with anyone from our circle of friends for 3+ months. We both spoke a little about work and mostly about what we were doing in our personal lives, she very much downplayed her life and called it "boring". I'm not going to read between the lines there, my W has always been a fairly unexcitable person so her calling her life "boring" doesn't necessarily mean anything regarding the OM. There were probably about 6 pauses of 15 seconds or so (probably 5 seconds but it seemed like 15) during the course of the conversation. I resisted the temptation to discuss the "big elephant in the room" and she did as well- zero discussion regarding her A. Conversely, zero R discussion about us as well. There were a few very small off-handed comments that I could twist in a negative way, but that wouldn't be fair as it would only be me thinking negatively. Bottom line, I really couldn't glean anything either direction from the conversation based on what we actually discussed.

What I could determine, I suspect she hasn't been lying to me as much as I thought all along. I truly believe after talking to her tonight that she is deciding on being single vs. being married. I don't think she sees the OM as much as I thought, although I know he is very much in the picture. I also think she is in complete control of that R, I don't think she is that deep into the "fog". I get the feeling that if she wants to end it, she will. The question really is whether or not she wants to come back to the M. That is the question that I really have no feeling for at this moment. She has set a personal deadline of the end of April to make a decision, based on her counselor telling her that it could take her up to 6 months to decide what she wants to do. I believe she will make a decision within that timeframe, one way or the other.

Her body language was fairly interesting. I chose to look at her the entire time we were talking. The first few hours she would alternate between short looks and glances at me while talking or messing with her hair and staring straight ahead or petting the dogs while talking to me. The last hour or so she started to actually look at me the entire time while we spoke. We sat a few feet apart the entire time, no hugs or signs of affection from her although I didn't expect that there would be any. Her mood seemed to be a combination of tired and lethargic, but I did get her to laugh a few times and there was never a moment where she was angry or frustrated with me whatsoever. Overall, I would say that she seemed fairly comfortable in our home. She walked around a bit and checked things out, but she was careful not to enter the master bedroom at all.

At the end of the conversation, I wrapped up some leftover food (I did the cooking obviously) and gave it to her. She walked out the door and said see you later to the dogs and "talk to you later" to me. That's it, that's how the visit ended, cordially but fairly unemotionally.

I guess the question is this- what do I do next? My gut feeling is nothing, I have to let her make the next move whatever it may be. But I am also concerned that she didn't leave our visit fulfilled. I am hoping that she was only trying to have a light conversation that didn't involve our M, if so that is exactly what she got. But I am concerned that she was expecting to be flooded by feelings that may not have been there during our conversation. I don't know, I have no idea what she is thinking or what she is discussing with her counselor. All I can do is worry about me, but at some point I guess we'll have to address "the big elephant" and see if we want to go to MC to try and work through our issues. But I guess first and foremost I have to see if/when she does choose to contact me again- and what she wants to do if anything. That is the big question, does she want to spend more time together. I really feel that it needs to be her move, but if she doesn't do it how long do I wait?

Sorry for rambling, it just seems like a very strange visit to me. Maybe it went better than I thought, but without a clue as to what is happening in her head I obviously have no way of knowing.

Any thoughts/opinons?........

Sadinaz,

I was about to go to bed but I figured I'd check in on this, been waiting for your story.

Your visit with your wife sounds a lot like how mine went last week. So I know how you feel. You played by the Plan A rules. You didn't ask about the affair, your relationship with her, or the future. You were a friend to her, you made her laugh, you caught her up on things. Overall, I am sure if anything at all, it was a POSITIVE experience for her with you. Whether it made her change her mind about your marriage, that will take time to be seen, but it sure doesn't sound like you did anything at all NEGATIVE. So, pat yourself on the back, nicely done, sounds to me like some sort of positive progress, whether it's enough to warrant more visits, communication etc will need to be seen. But I agree that you should perhaps contact her briefly via phone or email to say you enjoyed her visit and your time together, then drop back and see if she initiates any further contact.

I can also relate to the fact that the visit probably left you feeling a little empty when it was over. I was happy it went well, happy to have my wife around, loved talking to her, all that stuff. But when she left, that nagging voice in me was wondering why I didn't make any relationship progress. Funny how us guys are hard wired that way, huh? We feel like any contact with our wives in this situation needs to work towards something else. In other words, what progress did we make towards our goal of reconciliation? And of course our wives didn't hug us, they didn't say they loved us, they didn't really show any indication of wanting the marriage to work. And we get bothered by that a bit. But we need to be patient. Results aren't going to be drastic. They are going to come in small does like this. A long visit, good conversation, a smile, a laugh, a look.

By the way, the fact she worked her way up to looking at you more, that is a GOOD thing. I also noticed my wife is now able to look at me more often. Still not a constant gaze, but better than talking to the floor.

Ya done good.

ALS