Hi

Will psot my last post and a resume of my history in the hope for comment and advice from a few people.

H came and did pack up the boxes in the loft that are his to take back to London with him. He was very distant all day and though as the day wore on he chatted a bit more was cool compared to the phone call earlier in the week.Whwen he prepared to leave he made no mention of my monthly cheque - he has in the past always left it for me on the first w/e in a month. So as he left I asked- his attitude all day had been so distant I was concerned as to what was going to come. He apologised for forgetting and went to fetch his cheque book from the car- and then returned saying he'd forgotten it but would go and get cash out of a bank. I asked how much- as the bank normally only allows a limited withdrawal. He said " well what do I usually give you?" Duh- this would have been cheque number 21 since he left and he still can't remeber!! I have never had to tell him before. I calmly pointed out that what he usually gave me wasn't the amount we should be talking about. He then said he still hadn't had a 'normal' months salary. I asked if he wanted me to approach CSA to get a figure from them but he said he would rather keep them out of it. I pointed out that even if he hadn't got a poper months salary - he knew his annual which is 3x mine and so could have a good guess at what it should be. At that he said he would go and get all the cash he could out of the bank. He reurned about 10 minutes later and offered me £550 - and said "Will that do!" That is substantially more than normal- though probably still not what he should be paying. however I was left feeling mean. I said it was for him to decide what he wanted to give me, but to remember that we were in this situation because of his decisions and that I objected to being frugal in order to support his life style. I'm afraid I also accused him of burying his head in the sand and ignoring issues when he didn't like it, told him to stop acting like a child and be a man, and to decide a time to discuss the whole issue so we didn't have to repeat the conversation next month!!!! He then counted out £400 and gave it to me- £50 more than before. I have accepted that and will await his discussion.

Thinking about it afterwards I feel as if this is a battle we have had over and over. I can only see 2 180's that would change the situation and possibly the outcome- I finally give in and file for dv. He hasn't mentioned it recently but this is more of his head in the sand enjoying the status quo with nothing legally agreed on finance or child visitation etc. Or I never mention the issue again and let him pay me what he wants when he want

Not sure where to go from here. Am I being too mean and selfish, or to soft on him.

my situation:

Two and half years since I found out about first affair
Two years at the end of the month since he decided he could no longer promise to be faithful to me and walked out.

We went for counselling but they gave up after 5 weeks as they said H had no intention og changing.
Aug 2001 H starts to date present OW.
Jan 2002 H moves in with OW.

I have tried being best friend, going on day trips with H and children
I have always bent over backwards to let him have time with the children- even in my home so they won't be upset.

I allowed H to introduce the children to OW in the summer.
I took less child support while he had to pay a large mortgage.

I have tried distancing myself from H and not being as available for chats.
I have avoided OR talks.
I have gone on and got a life of my own. New clothes , new friends , uni course to retrain. W/e away with new friends H isn't bothered and rarely asks except to enourage me in other places I can go!

What have I left undone, is there anything else to try.
Jante

<strong>I asked if he wanted me to approach CSA to get a figure from them but he said he would rather keep them out of it.</strong>
Of course. They will no doubt mandate a higher payment.

<strong>I said it was for him to decide what he wanted to give me, but to remember that we were in this situation because of his decisions and that I objected to being frugal in order to support his life style. </strong>

Why would you say this? It's not for HIM to decide how much to give you- normally that decision is left to the courts.

I will say it again- what results does your H get from divorce? 1)mandated higher child support payments 2)pressure from OW to commit and marry 3)the finality of the door being closed on him- and it was because of him
So- why would he divorce- where's the benefit for him.

You have done it all Jante. What more is there to do? How long will you keep your life on hold?

My advice is to do what you have to do to get the correct support payment for your sons? Why should H underpay and have that extra money for himself and his lifestyle? Do you think he would bank it for the children- answer is NO right?

Let's say- He really should be paying an extra 100 pounds a week- you could put that money in a fund for the boys. Why let it go to H and OW to have fun with? Why let your boys lose money that could help set them up later in life?

Are you thinking that by not insisting on the full amount H will feel more kindly to you? I think you are shielding him from the consequences of his actions.

Can you go to CSA and get the figure? You don't need his permission? Why not get the info?

Hi
Thanks Espoir for your thoughts. I have always been the one who was careful with money and H was the spendthrift. I suppose when this all started I was shielding him from his actions, because if I had insisted on a larger/fairer amount from the start he wouldn't have been able to continue his lifestyle. Now ts just a caee of getting him to do what he promised and if that means legal action then that is what I will do. I have a good iidea of the CSA figure and will send him the info and let him think about it. I am also going to see about an apt with a solicitor to make sure I am legally covered if necessary.

Jante

This is off topic, I think I already commented on the topic at the end of the other thread.

How is D doing lately?
You haven't said anything about him in the last few weeks. Is he doing better at school and at home?

SS

Hi - yes SS D is doing much better most of the time at home and at school. We still have the odd outburst but par for the course with Teens!

Jante

You are doing so well with your own boys, and teaching others how to cope. Perhaps I should send Spencer to live with you for a few months and see what you can do with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Yes, hire a soliciter and go ahead with things. If anything changes, you can always stop the action.

My computer vibrates lately when I read your posts. Have you been having wild parties at your house?

SS

No SS no wild parties just lots of building work!!

Jante

hi folks,

Have sent an email to H with the CSA figures for his salary . Have asked him to reply by emailso I don't have to have yet another heated discussion about it. No email reply yet, I have spoken to H about the options for D's courses next year and H seemed hesitant but made no mention of the email. Will wait to w/e and see what if anything he says then proceed from there- to dv solicitor if necessary.
In the meantime everything we eat in the house is covered in dust!! But my kitchen will look lvely when finished. One other positive in my life, the book I have written for parents of children moving schools came back from the printers yesterday and all schools who have seen it have been very positive and said what a useful resouce it is.

Jante

Jante, good for you for sending the CSA figures and seeing a solicitor.

Gee, I wish you could get a few more voices to respond to your thread.

Why did he bring you f550 then give you only f450?
Glad you saw legal counselor. Go for it. Do not allow him to just hand you what he wants!
You and children deserve more.
congratulations on book! you'll do well.
God bless, LouLou

Hi all those who replied and thanks. I haven't actually seen a solicitor yet, just checked out the amount our CSA would calculate he pay if we went through them. I'm hoping that will give the prod he needs.
Why did he bring you f550 then give you only f450?

I told him to give me what he thought this time but that I wanted a proper discussion on the issue. I accepted that as I know that was all the cash he had and didn't want to leave him with nothing as he drove back to London. I have now emailed him with the CSA figures and asked him to communicate with me by email on the finances so we don't end up in heated discussion all the time. ( a further advantage is that I will then have a copy of what he has said/agreed).I do find it hard to keep to what I want when he starts looking sad and hurt so will find it easier to remain firm if it is conducted by email.

Jante

Hi folks- I call my children that and they tell me off so now am trying to remember to call them team when addressing them on mass!!

Had a lovely day today, the children went off to go karting with their dad to celebrate middle sons birthday and I went for retail therapy with my sister- she knows some brilliant cut price clothes shops where I was able to get five good quality items for £ 20!!!!! Bargains I like! Then H children and I went out for dinner this evening to celebrate sons birthdayas a family- good chatty time again. Only cloud on the horizon, birtday card for son sent by OW and H!!! I chose to ignore rather than comment.

H never mentioned email, I decided to print a copy and give it to him as he left, saying I don't know if you got this. He said "yes"- so i just said "oh good, I wasn't sure as you never acknowledged it." He shrugged his shoulders and left. So now I wait again to know how he is actually going to respond. His next time to give me money for the boys is the w/e we have the w/e in Oxford- so will have to decide whether to mention it before I leave or when I get back!!

Or of course I could keep quiet and see what he chooses to do.

One thing I won't be doing this year is sending him a valentines card- I'm sure he will be expecting one.

Now I'm off to a friends birthday party- all dressed up. H commented on my new top - so he had noticed which amused me- it is rather different to what he is used to seeing me wear.

Have a good w/e
Jante

Hi J,
I haven't been on for a few days because my W has been in the hospital for a Hysterectomy and I have been trying to visit her, keep house, and make sure the kids are where they are supposed to be on time. I don't know how you gals keep up with all of this.

From your report it looks like not much has changed. He continues to enjoy having his needs met by two. I think in some twisted way he still feels like he has a weekend family as he did when he worked away during the week and was home on weekends. I wonder what it will take for him to see the damage he has done, I don't think he sees it because you are so kind and helpful.

It sounds like you had a good weekend, though you dont' give your feelings about it. I know you would be glad that A's birthday went well, and that would tend to make you happy, and I am glad you got some time with your sister. You deal well with day to day things now. You are very able to take care of things, as you have been able to do since you began taking care of your sisters.

I know you still have feelings, and I wish for you to be happy. I think a lot about you and I wish I could do more to help. I still have faith that you will have all the blessings of a good marriage and faithful companion if you continue to pray and follow God as best you can. I struggle sometimes for the right thing to say, I hope I help more than hurt.

Laura just came to tell me to come and help with supper. I'll see you later, I do care about how you are doing.

( Later edit)
I got to thinking about your posts the last few months. You seem to be finished in some ways, but you seem to hang on in others. Often I don't a good feeling on how to best encourage you. I am glad espoir comes around because she is pretty blunt, and sometimes that is good. It is pretty plain that much of your mind wants to move on, for many of the things you are DOING say you are finished. You are going ahead with your life and preparing to be finished with H. You seem to be resigned to the end of life as you knew it, and prepared for a new life. Can you see the same thing?
There are still many things I can't understand. Don't feel bad if you are in the same boat.

SS

<small>[ February 08, 2003, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS

Sorry to hear about your wifes surgery- I hope she makes a quick and full recovery- well done for holding the fort wile she is away, and thanks for making time to post when your owqn life is in turmoil.
From your report it looks like not much has changed. He continues to enjoy having his needs met by two. I think in some twisted way he still feels like he has a weekend family as he did when he worked away during the week and was home on weekends. I wonder what it will take for him to see the damage he has done, I don't think he sees it because you are so kind and helpful.

I know you are right- and find it hard to make the necessary changes myself. I was talking to my mum today who is convinced H is being awkward as possible to force me to file for dv so that he can say it was my decision not his.

It is pretty plain that much of your mind wants to move on, for many of the things you are DOING say you are finished. You are going ahead with your life and preparing to be finished with H. You seem to be resigned to the end of life as you knew it, and prepared for a new life. Can you see the same thing?

Yes i do feel this- it is just that final push to make the appt with solicitor and set it all in motion. I feel now that If H was to do so I would probably be relieved not upset.

Still thee are feelings ther or why elae would i be upset that OW sent a card to A with H's signature on as well. I However i don't feel for him as I did a year ago.

A enjoyed his birthday and so did I. I no longer get upset when the children are out having fun with their dad without me but relish the free time to myself.

Hope your own situation gets better soon.

Jante

Wow,
This was three pages down already. There are getting to be a lot of people posting here, and it has only been about a year since I began reading.

Did you ever figure out just what I do that causes people to stay away from your and LIR's threads?
I promise I shave and use deodorant.

I forgot to tell A happy birthday from Sara and Amanda. So, you can pass it on to him.

W is much better, though tired and still in some pain. Acording to the Doctor, it takes a while to recover, and it looks like he is correct. She was so sure she would be back on her feet by now. Oh well, at least she is an optimist.

I am trying to figure out something useful to say to you today. I almost asked you if you had ever considered plan B, but I just slapped my hands and then they quit trying to type that. I am sure the red marks will heal in time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BTW, that's just teasing, I hope you know I support your course of action right now.

I am comparing the Jante that posts now, to the one I first started reading about last spring, and I can see you have come a long way.

I have said this before but it is in my mind often now - when I read what happens during H's visits. Why would you want him back? I have not been able to come up with any kind of answer to it lately. I wish I had a better understanding of things.

I suppose all I am saying today is that I don't know what to say. At least I admit it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My prayers for your family continue.

SS

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS thank the girls for their greetings to A. He had a good birthday but becoming 12 seems to made him evolve into the dreaded teenager over night!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm glad your w is home- she will experience pain for a while but hopefully it won't last too long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have said this before but it is in my mind often now - when I read what happens during H's visits. Why would you want him back? I have not been able to come up with any kind of answer to it lately. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me neither. In fact I'm not sure I do as it stands- but there is this something that prevents me doing anything to cut the ties competely. I'm not sure if its sheer stubborness - I've said I won't be the one to dv so I won't, whether its Gods prompting because there is still a chance, or whether its sheer cowardice! I just know that however much i convince myself its the right thing to do- I haven't done it yet!! I was thinking the other day about how I disciplined my children when they were small, often with a short sharp shock to stop them doing what they were doing, not by pleading with them to chamge their mind. I should have done that with T in the early days!!

Two years this month since he left and I don't feel our rel has moved any nearer to reconciliation. So time marchedson but at least i am happy in my life and decsions of the moment. have had 2 schools say they will be putting me on their supply list for April.
Jante

Hello J,
He (A) had a good birthday but becoming 12 seems to made him evolve into the dreaded teenager over night!!!
It gets worse, but you will do well. Sometimes I am frustrated but our value system keeps us on track and they seem to come out of it in their early twenties and do all right despite their teenage lapse of sanity.

.......... but there is this something that prevents me doing anything to cut the ties completely. I'm not sure if its sheer stubbornness - I've said I won't be the one to dv so I won't, whether its Gods prompting because there is still a chance, or whether its sheer cowardice!
If I was to choose between the three, I would have to say it was the second one. I don't believe you are stubborn, having watched you for nearly a year. I believe you are willing to look at all sides, choose the best option that you know you can live with, and then do it. I know it is not cowardice, though I believe I know why you would say that. I know sometimes you are afraid, but I don't believe you let that limit you when you believe you need to do something. No, in this case, I believe you are not sure what you should do, and so you hold back trying to understand. If God wants you to wait, it serves his purpose to leave searching. It also tends to keep a person humble.

I was thinking the other day about how I disciplined my children when they were small, often with a short sharp shock to stop them doing what they were doing, not by pleading with them to change their mind. I should have done that with T in the early days!!
Perhaps, but we really don't know. Really, you did what you COULD do, and what you believed was best, don't try to second guess what might have been. I have wondered about many things in my life also, but it isn't productive. I do feel you need to go ahead and get the money issues settled - in court if necessary. T needs to feel the pinch of what he has done somehow.

So time marches on but at least i am happy in my life and decisions of the moment. have had 2 schools say they will be putting me on their supply list for April.

So, did you reduce the mortgage enough that supply teaching will be enough? I hope things work out for you that way. Hows the kitchen doing, I don't feel the vibrations today.

There are very few people that could be happy in the midst of so much uncertainty. In my experience it is only people that are very foolish ( and you are not,) or people centered in doing what is right ( that would be you.) I know it takes effort, please continue.
BTW, at this point many people will protest that they often make mistakes. I know you do, because we all do, I am not saying you are perfect, just that I know you do the best you can, and that you are improving.
SS

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS
I haven't reduced my mortgage yet, but 3 days a week supply will be enough to cover our needs, and I have the promise of a few hours free lance work a month. I am waiting for the the expenditure od the kitchen to be through before committing money elsewhere, but I will still have the capitol should I need it. The work is at a standstill at the moment as half term starts next week and I didn't want the rewiring done then. It should all be completed by th7th march.

I am doing fine, but won't be around now until Sunday as I'me changing to broadband but H hasn't brought the modem etc as promised so won't be connected until Saturday. Hope your w continues to recover well.

Jante

Hope the broadband hookup goes well, often there are problems that require time to fix.

I wanted to check in but don't have much time. Have to collect the children and head to church (15 minutes from now)

I trust you are well both ways.

SS

Thanks SS- up and running and so far with no problems. H did the work on it - I went to fetch my mum to stay the w/e. He said it took him to 3pm. When I asked about the rest of the boxes I had asked him to remove he said he hadn't had time. Suddenly it feels like every interaction between us is negative, whether about him removing his things from my home, the question of child support - still no mention , or just minor things like him forgetting to bring equipment he promised for the broad band set up. Is he pushing me as hard as he can to make me make the decision? Am having another go at talking things through with my Pastors wife tomorrow- hope that I may find peace in this.

Jante