court hearing is set for 9:30 am tomorrow, exactly 60 days from D day. the fastest divorce my lawyer ever had go thru.

she consented, didn't challenge and admitted to adultry. she even split the fees! probably a 15 minute hearing without her even there, then it should take 7-10 to get the stamp from the judge and it's all final.

the happiest guy in the would 60 days ago and less then 90 days after moving into our dream home and i'm in total shock. (during the last 2 months she even voluntarily signed the deed back over into my name only). SHE GAVE AWAY HER DREAM!

i screwed up plan A royally. man, i'm on a yo-yo that i can't handle. one day mad as hell, the next day wanting her back. she's been nice to me thru this whole mess.

i screwed up plan B that SH suggested i follow after talking to him 2 weeks ago, today. i accepted a lunch date with her on sunday after an hour long phone call (she called me).

it was a good lunch talk. she indicated that we did things WAY too fast. she indicated that her fog has lifted and sounded like her days are numbered with OM. she had caught wind that i might just move out of state and asked that i didn't make any other quick decisions. i told her that their is nothing here for me. she told me that i have HER here. i said that "you left". what does that mean? she didn't have an answer. after luch we hugged.

i think she believes that i can 'figure' things out if she just gives me hints. i should have known that she was unhappy. i should have known that i didn't give her enough affection. i should have known that i didn't give her enough conversation. WELL, TELL ME THEN because i DIDN'T know.

after the lunch, i emailed her later that evening and told her that i enjoyed myself and we should do it again. she wrote back one word, "OK". i suspected (was hoping) that she would call yesterday but she didn't. i'm hoping for a call today. where will it lead? who knows.

the divorce WILL go thru and nothing will change my mind there, but we CAN start all over again someday, right? the dating, the romance, a new marriage. i know statistics say that re-marrying is unlikey but how many here have been divorced and then remarried?

i'll work on the betrayal part later. i KNOW that will be a mountain to climb for ME!

tomorrow is truly going to be the saddest day of my life.

should i go back to plan B as SH said or am i in good shape to go back to plan A. i'll probably screw it up anyway. and it DOES set me back after i see or talk to her about things other than S. so, i guess plan B is the choice because i have to work on ME, right?

man, am *I* confused.

my story

You can work on plan B or A. If your divorce is going to be final shortly, you can do either. What do you think would make you the happiest?

Divorce is ugly. Ours will be over sometime next month. I wished that my life ended yesterday in a near collision with a semi-truck. But God didn't want me to die yet. My husband seems to be happy, which is good. I am not really doing either plan 100%. Just being civil, and nice. Not offering much in help, cause I have to work on myself now. Only myself. I don't have to do anything he says, cause if it doesn't feel right, I am not going to do it. This is called, working and doing for myself, and myself only. The plan that works best is for yourself.

You are the important one here. At least your wife admitted to her lust and adultery. At least your wife has stated that she screwed up. You have that to know that she is sorry.

I will pray for you, and maybe a miracle will happen. Good luck.

Keep your plan B. Let her crash and burn ... meanwhile work on yourself and be ready to catch her when she hit rock bottom.

IMHO, she proceed with Dv since she knew that she could come back after Dv. I would call SH to give him upate and get take home homework to do for you.

-rh-

Jack-

Ditto what RH advised, call SH and give him a update. If you have any questions about continued contact (however infrequent) between her and the OP, definitely stick to your B. Just keep in mind that R is much more likely even after D when you spend your time working on and improving yourself, rather than trying to change or fix her. Good luck tommorrow, it's going to be tough but take it one day at a time. My D was final in Dec of last year and I can attest that it WILL get better for you.

jack:

It is unfortunate that the DV can go so fast, because based on what your W is saying, she must really be at too premature a state of mind to really know the full gravity of what she's doing. She will likely come out of the fog someday, but it will take months even IF her A is over.

You can do either plan A or plan B right now. Your call, but do get coaching from the authors on it. 60 days isn't near enough time to get "good" at either one. You should give yourself a few more months to really get to a point where this sitch doesn't bother you so much that you can't do the plans "right." It will happen, though, in time.

I think the possibility of remarriage is high, provided your W really comes out of the fog and is willing to do whatever it takes to reconcile. You will also need to figure out what might have been wrong on your end of things - neglecting needs important to her, that sort of thing.

I would bet that this desire on her part to get a speedy DV and let you have "everything" is an effort to absolve herself of guilt. She won't be the first, or the last WS to do something like you describe.

Hang in there,
-Qfwfq

Qfwfq, actually, it wasn't HER that wanted the speedy divorce, it was me. and, she didn't let me have everything at all. she got half, which was substancial, but since she didn't mention the business as part of the division of property, my lawyer recommended that i act quickly while she was still acceptable to the agreement. not to mention that she may have been able to live in the house with me making the payments until S was 18 yo. If she had gotten my house and half my biz to share with OM i would have been in the headlines of the USA Today and every other major newspaper. UGH!

so here i am.

she called about 20 minutes ago to ask if i wanted to go out for lunch. i accepted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

i'd like to reconcile. not sure if that's what she is hinting towards. suppose she wants to stop the divorce? i don't think i can stop it for my protection.

wow...this had been one hellava ride.

i'll let you guys know how it went.

thanks for the replies.

maybe it WOULD be better to let her "crash and burn". if she's ready to make ammends now, she should be ready later too?????

Heck, jack, am I missing something here?

Why did you file for DV if you don't seem to want one? There must be other ways you can protect yourself.

Is the A over? If so, why can't you stop the proceedings and work on your plan A? This is going way to fast for you to truly know what you want or even what you're doing, in my opinion. But I could be wrong, I don't know enough about you or your W.

-Qfwfq

after she got caught having the affair (EA about 1 year, PA 2 times in one week) SHE came home and said SHE wanted the divorce. being very angry at the time, i wanted the same thing. after we discussed what she wanted out of the marriage, i contacted a lawyer and he recommended i move quickly before she actually went for legal advice on her own. i thought it was all over anyway and so did she because i have always told her that i wouldn't tolerate infidelity. i think that's why she took the initiative.

now it looks like the fog is lifting and she may have some doubts. i tried reconciling several times during the last 60 days to no avail. she started acting like this when we went to lunch on sunday.sure, it all went WAY too fast, that's why i don't know what to do. again!

no, the affair is not over yet either. she's just 'sounding' like she has doubts.

sheese, what a mess.

thanks

I wouldn't stop it at all, you are of sound mind, and making very reasonable assessments. Plenty of time after the divorce settles the economic realities to investigate the emotional realities. Divorce is a very cleansing boundary, it sharply delieneates realities, recovering while married is fraught with demands economic and emotional, expectations, manipulations, is very difficult to get a real sense of what is true and what is not. Also one has to deal with the normal human reaction to hang on to something just cause it is, even if one might not really want to be in it given enough space to see fully. IMO your confusion is all the more reason to find a safe place for you, and it sounds like the economics are a big big deal, which will give you a lot of peace. After the divorce if you (both) want to date and counsell, and discover what is what, that is terrific. But first it is a good idea to get distant for awhile, see if you are just addicted to her, or whether you would really choose her with a fresh perspective (and no history), that is the only way one can really be sure IMO about someone, to go back and start over, and apply MB type principles, as well as life experience to the new relationship. Too often people stay together just cause they are together, and wonder why it never really seems to get anywhere realy good, always wondering if this is all their is. A sad way to live. You have nothing to lose, if she wants you, and if she is right for you, divorce will make no difference, but it will clear the air enough to see what is real...and what is not.

Hi Jack. I hope your lunch goes well. If you are going to be in contact with W, don't let her make you LB. Stick to Plan A behavior.

The fact that your W was the first to contact you tells you something about the power of Plan B.

DO please get advice from the master Steve Harley. The road to recovery is long and tricky. There's a reason why they call it the rollercoaster.

Normally here at MB we don't recommend speedy divorces because they can end up setting things in stone and making reconciliation impossible. But you have substantial business assets to protect.

When a WS comes out of the fog, they often say, I was crazy, I don't know what I'm thinking. I think your stance can be that your W was showing extremely reckless and faulty thinking, and you had to preserve your son's inheritance. You were afraid that OM would plunder assets that should be guarded for your son's future. (In other words- you weren't trying to punish your W, you were protecting your son)

Don't call off the divorce, but somehow you must make it clear to W that the divorce does not signal that you are DONE with her and that reconciliation is impossible. Agree with her that it went very fast.

Let us know how the lunch went and I'll be thinking of you tomorrow- I'm sorry you're going through this.

jack:

After reading your reply and those that followed, I concur that you're doing the right thing for now.

LurkingAbout: I found this interesting:

" But first it is a good idea to get distant for awhile, see if you are just addicted to her, or whether you would really choose her with a fresh perspective (and no history), that is the only way one can really be sure IMO about someone, to go back and start over, and apply MB type principles, as well as life experience to the new relationship."

I think this is a good outlook to have during plan A or B.

-Qfwfq

ok, lunch went well. she was running late and we decided to just have lunch at my place. i guess it was about a 2 hour visit.

i gave her my whole synopsis of our situation first, taking the blame for not supplying her with her EN's, telling her how i understand how couples' drift apart from each other when their EN's aren't being satisfied, how we didn't communicate well during the past one year plus, etc, etc, etc. i told her what all i have learned from this site and that knowing what i know about relationships now, our marriage wouldn't have fallen apart like it did, had i known all this then.

i actually read LurkingAbout's post to her about the DV tomorrow. she seemed concerned that i would never be able to forgive her for the A but reading that post helped her understand that with a fresh start maybe i can. the DV will go through.

she then told me about her thoughts and it's what i already know. i didn't supply her with her EN's and we drifted apart. she takes total blame for the A and told me how wrong it was of her to handle the situation like she did.

there was a lot of other small talk.

i did tell her that i would like the opportunity to have her back in my life if that was something she wanted too. i told her that it would take hard work but it would be worth it to both of us in the long term. a new "fresh start" with all the other bad things that were in our marriage left behind and buried.

i know the fog is lifted. i know that OM is not what she wants in a partner. she did say that she would have an answer for me within a month if she was ready to try to work things out. she told me that she understood and didn't expect me to wait a year or 6 months or even 3 months for her to just finish up with him and if it doesn't work out have me ready with open arms to take her back. she understood that SHE would have to end the A and be ready for 100% commitment to me.

i think she is close but she's played these games with me for the last 60 days so who knows? it did sound positive though.

we agreed to have lunch at least once a week during the next month to talk about things, to see where we are.

what does this sound like to you experts? is this looking good? i guess i should wait for her to contact me first?

i did give her a little present when she left. she always liked to take the soaps, lotions, conditioners, bath oils, etc, that the hotel leaves in the room each day and i gave her all that stuff that i saved from my trip to mandalay bay in vegas last week. she was all happy to get that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

anyway, what do you think? where should i go and how should i act from here on?

thanks for the replies.

Jack

Jack,

I think it is "steady as she goes Captain". The divorce will occur. The OM is still in her life. The financials seems to be OK. So what is left to do?

My suggestion, not surprisingly given my screen name, is to learn. Keep learning about yourself. Keep learning about relations. Keep exploring your feelings. Let yourself heal from this.

And if you want to, continue contact with your W. After tomorrow you are the OM in her life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Isn't that weird? But, let her heal, let her find her footing and you go about your life.

I think the poor statistics on remarriages has more to do with people not forgiving, making hasty decisions (moving away quickly), remarrying in a hurry to OP or a new person in their life. If you have strong feelings for your W and it turns out that she discovers all of the things she missed about you and ignored, there is a very good chance.

I would also like you to read two mammoth threads (this should keep you busy for 1-2 months easy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). One is by Hopeful_Person, and other by Kily. Also in the Divorce section there is one by IsItTooLate. You will see where your W MAY be in a few months to a year.

So you really don't have much to do but work on yourself, don't make any rash decisions, and let time work its magic. This of course takes Patience so work on that too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jack, it seems while the divorce was very fast, it can be turned into a positive instrument for your relationship with your W. Time will tell.

God Bless,

JL

<strong>she takes total blame for the A and told me how wrong it was of her to handle the situation like she did. </strong>

This is a major admission on her part. It's also very good that she is aware that she needs to figure things out quickly, not keep you hanging on a string forever. Time will tell whether she is genuinely questioning things or if she's straddling the fence trying to keep you roped in emotionally. But the above statement is very hopeful and a good first step.

A couple of suggestions- you might want to give her a book on affairs to read. I like Don Lusterman "Infidelity: A Survival Guide" and Janis Abrams Springs "After the Affair". I've also heard that Torn Asunder is good, but I haven't read it. I don't think I'd show her Harley's Surviving an Affair at this time because too much discussion of Plan A and B might make her feel manipulated. Give her a book in a low pressure way, maybe saying that the book has helped you understand what happens when a person is drawn into an affair and that relationships can survive and even improve afterwards.

She needs to understand that what is happening to the two of you is not unique that many other people have gone through this experience.

I read stuff written on affairs to my H and he started to recognize stuff that rang a bell. Stuff about how the affair partners create a fantasy bubble around themselves that usually can't hold up in the real world once friends and family know.

The books also explain the adrenaline high created by forbidden "love" and why it is so hard to give that up. Literally chemicals are produced in the brain. Your wife needs to know that making the decision to end the affair may be hard, but she needs to do it, that no contact is essential, that she may feel depressed afterwards for alot of reasons and you will understand that this is part of the process (withdrawal). That it will take time to recover but you are willing to be there every step of the way- as long as she is as committed to the recovery process as you are.

Marriage counseling is essential. I think it's a dealbreaker if she won't participate- but reassure her it's not for the purpose of sitting in judgement of her- it's for working together to overcome problems and strengthen your relationship.

I think the idea of weekly lunch dates is good- however try to bring in other topics besides R talk. Be interesting, funny, interested in her, a good conversationalist. If she knows that you are open to the lunch dates I would let her make the first move. Why expend the energy if she is going to leave you hanging the way she did with the chili offer?

Do a few things with her that might be atypical- maybe take her someplace fun. No doubt some of the attraction to OM is simply that he's new, unpredictable, different. It's not the "same old, same old" which happens in a long term marriage.

Show her you still have some surprises up your sleeve- when the time is right, take her to a sultry jazz club for a show, or go for a walk in nature and admire the sunset. Something she would like, but maybe you'd gotten out of the habit of doing that stuff. Be sure to ask in a low key way-
don't put alot of pressure. (I have tix to this event on Sat night- would you like to join me- if you're busy no problem- I'll ask a friend. Accept any declining very graciously).

You'll probably want to get Steve's advice about whether you should remain in a strict Plan B. the suggestions I've made above may not fit into your game plan right now- but they will work at some point on SOMEBODY!

Jack:

You've gotten some good advice above. I just wanted to point something out from your post:

"i know the fog is lifted. i know that OM is not what she wants in a partner. she did say that she would have an answer for me within a month if she was ready to try to work things out. she told me that she understood and didn't expect me to wait a year or 6 months or even 3 months for her to just finish up with him and if it doesn't work out have me ready with open arms to take her back. she understood that SHE would have to end the A and be ready for 100% commitment to me."

She's still having an A with her OM and can only say that she needs a month to figure out what she wants? The fog is NOT lifted, though it may be clearing a bit. This clearing may be permanent, or just temporary. In either case, it's too early to tell.

Keep your waterfowl coaxial. You'll do fine.
-Qfwfq

Jack I agree with Qfwfq in that your WW is still in the fog. Remember that Harley and other marriage experts, make it a point that the OP is like a drug for the WS. Until she regonizes that she is addicted to OM like a drug addict is addicted to drugs, she not likely to make the decision to quit him for good. So treat her like a person addicted to drugs because she certainly is to OM.

guys, you're right! the fog hasn't lifted. i think i should have said lift(ing)?

i think she's still addicted to HIM but misses how good she had it here and sees a huge change in ME. that's why plan A sucks for me. i can't be nice and let her have the best of both worlds. i better call SH tomorrow and have another talk.

meanwhile, she called from the bar where OM works and asked if i would check on S because she's going to be later than she told him. sheese! she leaves here after ALL THAT and runs straight to OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Action speaks louder than words. Your wife may tell you a lot of things but the fact remains that she is heavily involved with the OM. In my opinion, she is trying to keep you around just in case the OM dumps her. My advice to you is not to sit around waiting for her to return. Get on with your life. If your plans are to move to another area do it. In fact, that move would help you plan B and begin the process of detaching emotionally. She needs to see that she can loose you forever. In fact, even if she wanted to reconcile, she should have to pursue you and work her butt off to show you that she can be a loving faithful wife. Don't be so ready to take her back. Women like a challenge. The harder she has to work to get you back the more attractive you become. Of course, there is good possibility that if she waits too long you may meet someone else and will not want her back.

jack,

You should stick with your plan B ... why ?. The more you have contact with her in the fog the more you will get disgusted by her action. You are enableing her affair right now. What she got to loose ?, try with OM and extend it as long as possible knowing that ol' Jack will take her back.

-rh-

welp, it's final and i'm a single man again after 14 good years and one bad week.

it took about 30 minutes and she even forfeited her right to challenge on the 10 day grace period. the judge now has the papers and should be signed and 'official' sometime tomorrow.

weird feeling for sure.

being on this rollercoaster like i've been, i guess i'll go back to SH's suggestion and follow a strict Plan B. it only hurts me to talk to her or see her, so that has to be the best way for me to go. she knows how i feel, so let her take the ball and make the next move.

thanks for all the replies, suggestions and concerns. i'm sure i'll be back for more advice and most likey will share my experiences and suggestions to other people that are in the same boat.

thanks again!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />