I'm thinking on confronting my wife tonight or tomarrow night. NEED YOUR OPINIONS
Most of you know the story so I'll skip that. What I need your help on is this. Since I sort of believe that my W A might be over, and she still won't talk, I'm perplexed on if our R can survive. I have not yet told her the proof that I have that she was, or is having an A. I did open last months cell phone bill and she had called the # alot. Now the bill is gone. I believe the A might have ended last Tue. I posted the story on that.
Anyway, should I tell her what I know, and see if she want's to work on our M, or should I wait untill the next bill come's at the end of the month, and see if she has stoped calling that #? Either way I go, I still have to get her to admit that this was happening, or there will be no way to mend our M. I love my wife very much, and our children don't deserve this (D=6,S=3).
Thank you

<small>[ February 04, 2003, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: Bilbo ]</small>

I also don't know how to bring this subjuct up to her with out making LB's. I want to express it to her that I'm very hurt, and that I would like us to work this out, but only can if she is willing.
PLEASE HELP ME THROUGH THIS!!!!

Hi Bilbo,

My advice is to trust your gut instincts... and if you are convinced that she is having an A, then by all means, confront her.

IMHO, there really isn't any way to NOT LB when you confront her... because when you confront her, it will be the "end" of the fantasy life with the OM... and she will most likely be angry. Having said that, you need to confront her in a loving, non-judgemental way. Tell her what you've found, but don't accuse her. ..."I've noticed several calls to this cell phone # and I'm hurt that you are hiding the phone bills from me now."

She may just lie to you and ask you "How could you even suspect this... I'm hurt that you don't trust me." Trust your gut on this... my FWW said this to me... and I "believed" her. If you have reasons to suspect her, then it's probably true.

Here's a list that someone posted here a while back... see if any of these fit:

50 Indicators of Infidelity.
1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life.
2. Constantly late.
3. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
4. Comes home more often with alcohol on breath.
5. Starts talking about getting together with old friends they haven't seen in years.
6. Starts shopping for new clothes.
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.
8. Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.
9. Orders dishes or new household items never ordered before.
10. Does not look at other women/men as much as they used to.
11. Starts working late and on holidays and weekends.
12. Express opinions on subjects that they never had an interest in.
13. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule.
14. Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone.
15. They give you gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.
16. Car is kept free of paraphernalia belonging to you or the kids.
17. Starts attending extended seminars or conventions.
18. Start using new words and phrases.
19. At odd hours they start remembering things they forgot to do at the office.
20. They suggest that you open up separate checking accounts.
21. Often forget to wear wedding ring.
22. Takes the dog for much longer walks.
23. Makes more phone calls late at night.
24. A marked change of attitude towards secretary, colleagues or friends.
25. Suddenly takes up new hobbies or friends that take them out of the house in the evenings and weekends.
26. They talk about a movie they've seen but you have not.
27. They insist on answering the phone.
28. They call out a different name in sleep.
29. Smell of a different soap from the brand at home and/or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.
30. They care about how breath smells. New mints, gum, etc. found around house.
31. Uses pre-paid calling card/pager/cell phone for the first time ever.
32. Loses a lot of weight and seems proud of new body.
33. Saddest list item is: change in die-hard pro-life feelings on abortion.
34. Gut feeling. The biggest indicator of an affair is just feeling that it is so.
35. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!!
36. Uses more kid slang than the kids!!!!!
37. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD's.
38. When they lose stuff they accuses you of gettting into their "stuff"....
39. Uses the ATM way too much!
40. All of a sudden, their attitude about people who cheat changes, e.g., "we shouldn't judge because we don't know their whole story."
41."It wasn't a dinner date - it was just a way of saying thank you for carpooling"
42."I never lied about being married - she never asked me, so I just didn't bring it up"
43. Grocery shopping and other excuses to get out "alone."
44.The one difference is that my Wife wants our kids to like the other person because in the back of her head she thinks she will be with him. Very sickening. !!!!!!!!!!!
45. Carries toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash at all times.
46. When other person is co-worker, can't wait to get to work each day .
47. Becomes great friends with people going through divorce.
48. Defends other who are/have/will cheat(ed/ing).
49. Distances themselves from those with strong (any) moral values.
50. Gets "coded" pager messages at all times of the day and night

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Well she does do a few of these things. I really believe that the only way to try and save our M, is if this is brought out in the open. I also believe that she will not openly tell me about the A unless I somehow let her know that I'm aware of it.
Am I thinking correctly, or is there another way?

I'm desperate everybody, I could really use some help on this.

I will predict that if you confront her that she will deny anything is happening and will be very defensive. Calls alone on her cell phone bill are a good indication, but they are not 'absolute proof'. I had to catch my WW with proof beyond a doubt before she would admit to anything. It was very hurtful having her continue to lie to me (eventhough she didn't know that I knew). My best guess is that if you confront her, not only will she lie, but she will become even more secretive in the future, especially if she suspects that you'll be watching her. The things I did to catch my wife were more than looking at the cell phone bill. I downloaded a key log program from the Internet to record every key stroke, I bought a semen detection kit (called Check Mate...yes, it works), I searched her purse, and finally hired someone to get it on video.
You believe that her A might be over, but a number of undetected A's could eventually resume. If you suspect anything, you have every right to spy on her. It will either reveal the truth, or it will give you the confidence/trust that nothing is happening.

Hi Bilbo,

I'm not an "expert" at confronting a WS... even though I did confront my FWW with one of her A's. My FWW lied to me... asked me how I could even think that she'd do such a thing!.... and this was AFTER she'd already had one A that I DID find out about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What I'm saying is that even if you confront her, she may not be ready to end her A... you need to be prepared in case she lies to you.

As I said earlier, I don't know of many ways to NOT LB... the bottom line is that YOU are hurting because of HER actions... You don't trust her and your gut is telling you that she might be having an A. I wouldn't wait until next month... bad news doesn't get better with time...

Confront her, then watch her ACTIONS... if she isn't having an A, then her ACTIONS should reflect it. If she is having an A, then she will most likely get VERY defensive and will accuse you of "spying" on her... Just remember, honorable, trustworthy ACTIONS won't cause you to be suspicious of her activities... If it smells like it, looks like it, feels like it, and even tastes like it... then it probably is.

Don't wait for next month's cell phone bill... confront her now.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Bilbo, I vote with time to confront. Perhaps you don't even have to use the phone bill to bring it up. Just tell her you suspect and feel it's time for her to be honest with you.
And making a point of telling her you do love her and want your marriage to work.
Just waiting will drive you nuts!

Mr Rollercoaster?
Please tell more about this key log program from internet?
Thank you. LouLou

LadyLou, I found the program by just performing a search on the Internet, under "key stroke recorder, key loggger, key recorder" etc. I had to go through several pages before I found the shareware (free) versions. Otherwise, there are many of these types of programs you can download for a fee. Unfortunately, I don't have the program on my computer anymore (I remember finding three free programs during my search). These types of programs run in the back ground. Only computer 'experts' knowing what their looking for could find it (pushing 'control-alt-del' will not even show it's running). I hid the actual program several folders deep and renamed it. (When my kids get old enough to use the Internet, I will re-install it.......I'm such a bad parent...)

Bilbo,

I see you are in a bit of a delimea. Whether you confront or not will cause some pain. Pain may be necessary for any type of recovery (personal or marital or both).

So know it will be hard either way. Given that, I think your presentation is important.

My suggestion:

1. Don't accuse.
2. Let her know that something is bothering you.
3. Tell her you don't feel real safe or confortable with your current relationship.

4. Let her know you have check out how M's should really be and feel you both don't have that now..... ask her for her reasons why that might be.

5. Direction here is to try and draw her out in an attempt to help you understand.

6. Don't worry if she gets angry on you. If so you can then drop back and say, well that's why I don't feel safe in our R. I want to feel safe with trust and love but something is preventing it. Do you know what it is?

That's for starters..... let me know what you think.

take care,
L.

Bilbo,

I would avoid revealing your evidence. She will just cover her tracks.

Try this perhaps.

Dear Wife,

I suspect that you have put me in a position where I have to decide if I am going to go on living with you. I believe you are being unfaithful.

I do want to take some time to think this over and I hope you do too. Can I suggest we discuss this on february the 15th after valentines day is out of the way. In the mean time I will not have sex with you, or sleep in the same bed.

Other than to say that if I have disappointed you in any way then, I am very sorry I cannot discuss this further until the 15th.

I feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

That's right Bilbo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> , there is no easy way out of this situation.

You can't change that, you can only change the way your relationship is now. You have reasons to susspect an A and you need to let her know how you are feeling.

Do not give her the evidence. She may deny the A. If she is still involved, remember that she is in a FOG. Confront her and tell her the things that you have told us. That you want to mend the relationship, that it is not fair to the children, that you do not feel that you can begin to repair if she is not truthful with you. She may sTILL deny it, most do. You may need the phone evidence next month to moniter what's going on.

If she has been or is involved, at least she will know that you suspect. This will certainly change her perspective and she will have to look within as she deals with the guilt. I'm sorry, this will not be easy on you.

As you said, you feel damned if you do, damned if you don't but you must decide now what you are willing to put up with. Tell her what you told us and move forward today.