I've been away from the board for a few weeks. I was at the point (So I Thought) where everything was going well, I was feeling like I might have actually conquered the bad feelings when WHAM they all come rushing back like it was in the beginning.

My H affair was not an emotional one but strictly (for the sex) his words not mine. The A was over before I even found out. I had to find out the hard way, discovering that I had an STD (herpes) because of his unfaithfulness. I have been on meds (anxiety) for 4 months now and I do not feel that they are working. I was taking meds for my STD but recently got off because I could not deal with having to take them each day. It was a reminder each time I opened the bottle. I would rather deal with the break-outs if they happen.

My H has done everything to prove his love for me and has appologized over and over about the A. He realizes what it has done to me and our marriage. It has been 8 months since d-day and I can get through a month (barely) without throwing a temper tantrum, they used to come weekly. Last night we went out for a date and for some reason I blew up and just started ranting, crying, accusing, etc... about the A and what he has done to me. I don't know why I do this, I cannot control myself as much as I try. I say ugly things that I regret and he is always there in the morning to try and make me feel better. I feel so guilty about this and I just don't know what to do to make myself stop. I pray for strength but it has not come yet.

Am I pushing him away? Are these normal reactions so long after d-day? Am I being cruel to keep bringing this up? Please anyone with advise tell me what to do!!!

I know how your H feels, I'm in his shoes right now, the difference is that you want the marriage and are trying. My W has filed and the papers are ready to sign. You should feel the way you feel and have every right to. I only wish my W could have the willing to work on it like you do. If he really loves you he will stay and listen to every word you say. His action should speak louder then his word. I made a major mistake and now my girls and W and myself will pay for the rest of our lives. You are doing the right thing to ask for help from this site read everything and keep on smiling.

Yes, you are pushing him away.

Are you feelings normal? That hard to say, but they most likely are.

Should you be LBing him? I don't think so. And if you want your marriage, they need to stop.

For most people, it just requires a force of will to not let feelings turn into destructive actions. If someone had a gun pointed to your head and said, "shut up, or I'll shoot", most people would find that they could in fact stop talking.

Yes, it's easier said than done, but sometimes just realizing that it can be done can help. And you have the support of your H which should help even more.

If the same rants keep coming up again and again, perhaps there is a need to resolve these issues with your H or a third-party. Is there anything your husband could do before an outburst escalates? However, after a certain point, things need to be let go - either it's those thoughts/feelings or the M.

FWIW, crying is usually not LBing.