Hi - I made more apple/lemon juice with the juicer. It was so good. My other daughter and her boyfriend, and my 2 boys, and SNL and I had this fresh juice with fajitas. I had my daughter and her boyfriend help make chicken fajitas, fry the onions, greenpeppers, chicken, sliced tomatoes, sauce, lettuce, fried beans, etc. It was really good. Also, I made 2 recipes of Nestle Toll house cookies. So the kids are all set for the night.

My youngest son and I went to the video store and got 5 movies. One is the Betrayal, I decided to get it in VCR so I can watch it by myself tonight in my bed probably with one of the dogs. I saw the woman that killed her husband with the Mercedes, he deserved it.

Did all you see the bad accident in Michigan on I=94. Approximately, 13 semis involved, and 60 cars. Right now there are 2 fatalities. And they expect more. They had snow coming down so hard, that travel was no more than 1 foot sight ahead. What happened that a semi and car collided, and then a car pile up and semi pile up occurred. It is such a mess, traffic stopped on both sides of I-94. To bad there had to be deaths, but there are some who are seriously hurt, and probably they said some more deaths. I am praying for those families who are losing their loved ones, so SAD.

WEll, that is all for now. See you later.

Hi Faith4me,

I don't have time to post right now but I sent some juice recipes to your email.

Take care

Thank you for the recipes got it, printed it and all is done. I will use the recipes, the Traditional Sleep Potion sounds good. The kids liked the drink of apple/lemon but would of liked it a bit thinner. I might buy some lemonade and make a small amount in another container and add it to their drinks. This was helpful. Thank you from another MB member.

Hi Faith4me,

I wouldn't recommend mixing regular lemonade with the juiced lemonade (we tried it when we were first juicing). I think that juices from the juicer take getting used to because a lot of the juices we buy at the store are watered down and/or have sugar added to them. Fresh, natural juice is different. Also, many juice recipes make 8 ounces. We found that 4-oz servings were a good amount when we were first juicing. I bought some really cute 4-oz juice glasses and that added to the experience--that probably sounds weird but we really had fun with our juicer for a while. My boys had this weird macho competition over who added less apple to the juices--I was never in the running on that one because I always added extra LOL!

In a previous post, you mentioned that snl didn't like the thickness of the carrot juice--I'm with him on that one LOL. Think of apple as a sugar substitute and add apple to juices you would like to sweeten--it also thins the thicker juices. My one son juiced a few carrots with 1/2 apple while I juiced one carrot with 2 apples--mine was much thinner than his was and, for me, was drinkable. Hey, 1 carrot is better than 0 carrots, right? LOL After a while I was down to 1 carrot w/1 apple.

If you want some other juice recipes for other things, just let me know. I would be happy to send more recipes to your email until you are able to get a juicing book. I recommend Juicing For Life - A Guide to the Health Benefits of Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Juicing by Cherie Calbom and Maureen Keanne ($12.95 in paperback).

You've got me really missing juicing--time for me to order a replacement part and start up again!

Take care Faith4me

<small>[ February 08, 2003, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: YetAgain ]</small>

For now I am going to use the ones you sent. I am going to see if I can get the book at the library. Then I can zerox off the recipes.

Well, my generous, husband, wanted me to say thank you everytime I post here. So once again, I will do what he says. Thank you SNL for the juicier. I do enjoy the juicer and he bought it for me. Thank you SNL.

Also, he sent me a e-mail last night. Pretty critical of me. And last night on the phone called me another disrespectful name calling episode. Called me a CRAZY MAKER!!!! Said he will be better away from me a CRAZY MAKER!!! I know I am not, and that is his way of showing anger.

I have heard on the christian radio I listen to of a anger management program that he can go to. All I have to do is call the program and get ahold of Bob and get the organizaiton. But my husband said no, he will not go. Just a suggestion, but if he doesn't want to go, then he won't.

Anyways, going to take a hot bath, and read a book tonight. I watched the movie 'Unfaithful' last night, and it really showed what happens to the betrayed spouse after the affair has been known. Greyer in his act, was a mild husband, a caring husband, gentle, and then he found out about the affair, and it broke him. Just like the woman who ran over her husband with the mercedes.

Today I watched the movie "Good Girl", another affair, this time the woman again. Boy this is weird, I didn't expect this movie to be another sexual, lie, no respect to her husband kind of thing. Anyways, it was again, very sexual, and each groping for each other. What a bunch of crap. Anyways, I saw my husband and Mrs. X in both movies, and yeah, it put me in a low mood. But you know what, it is getting easier. I just told the lady while watching the movie, I called her Mrs. X name and said if I could shoot you, I would. Of course Mrs. X didn't look anything llike the actress. Mrs. X is a blimp.

I know I am better than Mrs. X, I am prettier, have a more gentle personality, I would of never done what she did to me on the phone. I know I think of others more, am a caregiver, and I know that I have thoughtfulness, where she doesn't. Just comparing myself to her, and she is no where a 5, not even close to a 5. I know I am somewhere around a 8. I made a committment to my husband, and she didn't make a committment to her husband by having sex with 2 men outside of her marriage, and who knows who else.

WEll, I am going to go. Time for me and my book, and my bath, and take my pills. Tomorrow is church, and being with the Lord. Yes!

<small>[ February 08, 2003, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Hi Faith4me,

I didn't know that snl bought the juicer for you. I am wondering why you didn't mention it earlier. But, to tell you the truth, it sounds pretty petty to me that snl wanted you to thank him for it here on YOUR thread. I am left wondering if you didn't thank him off this board and if him requesting that you thank him here is the only way he knew how to tell you that he had an EN for appreciation that he wanted you to fulfill for him.

If you did thank him, and if he wanted you to also thank him on this board, then why not just wait for him to post HIS OWN THREAD asking you to do that? You could respond to HIS thread and, at the same time, not continue to post FOR HIM on YOUR thread. Faith4me, this is in YOUR hands--not snl's. If you are typing things that you do not want to type, that is YOUR choice and YOUR responsibility to either live with or change--not snl's.

Personally, I think the juicer was a very nice gift--one that can benefit your kids as well as you. I am wondering if snl wants to be a part of the juicing experience too but just doesn't know how to express it. Is this something you would be willing to allow him to share in for the time being until the divorce is final and your lives, child visitation, business dealings, etc are separate and done away from your house?

You mentioned that you were called "crazy-maker" in an email. Did you mention this because you want assistance in sorting out your participation in the crazy-making ways you both deal with each other? From the sideline view of your situation, I have often wondered if snl's namecalling and your subsequent reporting of it here is his way of getting you to take the lead in changing something he wants changed but doesn't know how to look at/to himself to start that process.

You have a choice here Faith4me--is the crazy-making issue something YOU want to sort out here for yourself? Remember that you can only deal with YOUR participation in the crazy-making scenarios between you and snl--you cannot make snl deal with HIS participation in the crazy-making between the two of you. Make your decision based on what YOU want for YOUR life as that is what YOUR THREADS are for.

I have two strong suggestions for you--skip this part if you're not in a position to deal with it right now ok?

One, quit comparing with the OW! You know that OW's best has less value than your worst! You're no different than any other BS in that regard--but focusing on the comparing is hindering your personal recovery and I suspect it is a huge LB to snl to hear it because he knows how much he exaggerated OW's "good points" and probably feels just as foolish as other WSs who believed the OW's "presentation" of herself to be real. Your ongoing comparing between you and OW might be equivalent to rubbing snl's nose in it. Faith4me, this helped me to deal with that same problem--I set this boundary for myself: I had to focus on MY OWN characteristics that contributed to the state of the marriage at least TWICE the amount of time that I focused on the OW's supposed characteristics. This boundary I set for myself was very hard to do at first but it was a good one for me to continue for as long as I needed it because it made it a WINNING SITUATION FOR ME whether I succumbed to focusing on OW or I didn't. This might be something for you to try for a week or two to see if it helps you too.

Two, quit trying to dictate snl's recovery! He doesn't even have to recover if he doesn't want to--he can be sad and lonely for as long as he feels that is a better option for him than dealing with his own issues. And, it is up to HIM to decide what issue(s) HE wants to deal with or not. I know that's hard to face, Faith4me, but it will get easier for you after the divorce is final and snl is no longer in your daily life or in your home unless he is invited by you for a limited time.

I know you love him very much and want the opportunity to see if you both can recover with each other as well as individually, but I don't think snl sees that as an option he wants to try before divorce. I'm sorry Faith4me, I truly am, for both of you and for your kids and future grandkids. But, Faith4me, I also believe that you will make much more individual progress when you are able to quit allowing snl so much power over deciding what you will recover for yourself and how you will do that--and that will get easier for you after the divorce is final and he is out of your home and out of your daily life in any meaningful way.

Btw, I know I have mentioned that you and I are alike in some ways, that our FWH's are alike in some ways, and that snl doesn't sound nearly as bad as my FWH was--but I didn't tell you this: I was much, much worse than you Faith4me and it took quite a bit of therapy, recovery, and healing for me to get to the point you are already at now with some things. In my opinion, neither one of you is hopeless and neither is your marriage--you both have choices and I hope you make the ones you want to live with the reults of for the rest of your lives, whether that is married to each other or to others.

Take care Faith4me--you too snl--keep with your plan(s) for recovery and healing and in your spare time try to eliminate LBs to each other (I think that is the best gift you can give your kids and future grandkids)

Yet again - I did thank SNL in person, and asked him if he enjoyed the juice. Which he was being honest, and said it was okay, but was too thick. So I am going to try making more apple juice, and straining it. Then adding the other juice to it. I want him to enjoy the juice just as much as the rest of us. Since he bought it, and it was a nice gift.

Also, I thank him here on the board. I just wanted to make sure that he saw that I did thank him here again. He said he saw, but wanted to me to thank him again. So I did, and I do appreciate it very much. I wouldn't buy it for me, cause I don't have the money, and I won't be able to make very much money.

As far as him telling me what to type. That is the only thing I have done in the last two day. Just to say thank you, which is from my heart to him for the juicer.

As far as crazy maker. You have a point. He might be telling me that, and it may be true. I think I am fair by all means. I don't like him coming in here and stating like he did today, that all of this is his. That he bought it all with his money. He went through the list of things I have for sale. And he said he bought it all. I just said no. I worked for him for all these years for free, and bought things. Yes, it was all put in one joint account. But once again today, I was not given the credit for my part, and anything I bought in the past was with his money. Not true. I worked my butt off for this business. If he had to hire someone else, he would of paid big bucks out. I got up in the middle of the night occasionally to let him sleep. And only woke him up if it was a dire emergency. There was one call, that I thought the woman would freeze to death. I called the police and asked them to go to her house. She was an elderly woman, and had no relatives. The police called me back, and we got some heat into her home. I have empathy, and I talked very nice to her, and told her I would help. I did by calling the Washtenaw police, and told them what she told me, and they were more than happy to help. They got the problem solved, by having the maintenance man from their station go to her house and work on her furnace. Then my husband came out a few days later, and installed a new furnace. Anyways, she was grateful, and thanked me and my husband.

I did my share, and was a darn good organizer and worker. I worked well, husband worked well, he is a good problem solver. Things were organized, and if he needed something, I could find it for him. So I did my part and I deserve credit. I felt belittled today, and was asking him to let me see what he was putting in the big toughtote rubbermaid containers. I would like appreciation, and respect. I don't mind him taking things, but would be grateful if he included me. Just like the list I made out to sell things. He knows, popcorn popper been trying to sell for almost a year. Legos, for about the same time. He went through the list and said who paid for these. Well, some of the things I did. And the sewing machine, was given to me, and I am selling it. This is so petty. He should let me do this part, I am good at putting sale cards up, free ads. And he should do his part. We both are good at what we do, and both need the respect.

Maybe he sees me as a crazy maker. Be nice if he would not call me this name. Just clarify what it is that doesn't meet his needs. And should I even care about meeting his needs? Yes, I do. Anyways, I will post what I want. And like I said I am staying off of here in deep thought for awhile. I am working on myself, and working with the support groups I am in.

Yet again, you have good insight.

Also, do you think husbands listen to their wives very well? We had this discussion in group therapy for battered wives Thursday night. A they did a roleplay of good/bad conversation. I realize that my husband didn't listen, he was troubleshooting. Which he is good at, but there were many times I wanted compassion, empathy. Was interesting, and it was most likely the same for him. I do love this man. But we both have issues to work on.

Thanks again for your input. You seem to be right on track. Yes, I am going to be a better person. And not the critical person I was. Thanks.

Please husband - do not call me CRAZY MAKER! I feel sad, belittled, unhappy, gloomy, distressed, and unworthy (like a piece of crap flush down the toilet). Please don't LB anymore, I am asking this out of my heart to you, and out of my love for you. Please I am sorry for all I have done in this marriage. Please don't call me names anymore! Goodnight.

((((((Faith))))))

{{{gentle shake to shoulders}}}

Don't forget all the things you've learned. This man will call you filthy names to get your goat. He will call you whatever he can so that you do not ignore him. He wants whatever attention he can get from you, as long as he can keep you engaged, but he will not earn your attention by kindness, consideration, respect, and all those qualities a mature, mentally balanced person will offer any human being.

Asking him to not call you names is only going to let him know he's found another button, and he's going to push it and push it and push it, until you decide the child-in-the-adult-body is not worth playing with anymore.

Quit playing his game. Remember who you are. You are better than this. Plan B Plan B Plan B!

Plan B, Yes! Thought I would ask here to my husband since he reads every day on MB, and have stated to him in person that this name calling is disrespectful and unthoughtful. But as you have mentioned he knows he is pushing my buttons. So NO more comments on name calling here. The wayward spouses seem to find anything to put their betrayed spouse down. Yes, I will Just let him do it, and ignore it. Yes, that is what I have to do. Seems there are so many things that the BS needs to learn. Thanks. Have a good morning everyone. Got up to SNOW, yuck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Orchid and Yet - SNL once again started on he is not name calling me by stating that I am a CRAZY MAKER. But when I say he is a batterer, that I am name calling. I have only stated here once, and asked for clarification if he is. Cause deep inside I don't believe he is. But the anger wheel shows that a batterer is an angry person.

Anyways, I hung up on him, probably 3 times today. One, I am hurting from new physical treatment they are trying. Two, cause my brain is on overload with all I need to do, & Three, I didn't hardly sleep at all last night, cause of pain. But SNL doesn't know, he doesn't ask, just goes into his stuff.

He e-mailed me again, stating he rarely calls me names anymore. It is less than before. And says he apologizes often when he does. Apology stated only when I ask. And says I attacked him verbally, so he says he calls me names. He says hundreds of times I have demonized him through his affair, sexual comments, belittling comments which is verbal abuse. Which is, and my life and the kids life has been turned around and yes his affair did hurt all of us. He states that I am every bit as abusive and hurtful as he. He states that I reject all his attempts to communicate his feelings and concerns about his issues with me. I started out today with, no, not now. I would like for him to ask if this is a good time. Which he does not ask, just starts in. I would like to discuss things with him, if he will refrain from critcism. He said you seem to be incapable of accepting any kind of criticism, leaveing me with NO resolution. So his attempt of communication is with criticism and if I can't handle it, then there is no resolution. That is what I have a hard time dealing with, and that is where he has to realize his weakness is, he criticises and feels that it part of his communication. Where is the thoughtfulness and caring. He says, perhaps in your group thereapy you can ask how someone feels when they are not allowed to complain about their spouses behavior...maybe then you willl have some idea of what I feel like, and why I see you as unsafe. This email is a classic example of you, you ask for consideration, and make not one mention of the abuse you heap on me, how you will stoptoo, and offer to acept me telling you when you are...it is only about you, it is always about you.

He writes, I just finished talking with you about crazymaking, rather than try to understand what the term means, & how it might apply to you, and that it is not name-calling..you blow me off, no discussion, and the next thing I know we are talking about all my evil stuff...That is Crazymaking behavior. And yet you regularly refer to me as a wife batterer, an absolutely horrifying indictment of my whole being, and you appear to think nothing of it. This is the kind of stuff that reveals to me how far you will go, and who will sacrifice to avoid dealing with your contribution to your present difficulties. Your life is what you made it, you are a full and equal partner in our marriage failure, including significant mistreatment and neglect of your spouse. I have every right to say I don't want to continue in a marital relationship with you, and not be criticized for it. Your on-going and continuous efforts to make this about being a victim, and not responsible is insulting, self-serving, and guarantees there is no possible way we could remain married. Shoulder injury - was as much your falut as it was mine. You had no right to confront me in my home, (for the right key, cause he switched keys), refuse to elave, push into his bedroom and verbally abuse him. I didn't verbally abuse him, he is the one who called me F*cking B*tch & go to h*ll many times and spit in my face. I just kept saying, why Joe, why are you doing this? Which by the way, a hour after I was home he brought the right key over. Like nothing happened, and he did what was right.

He states my throwing myself on the floor when he grapped my around and turned me around and dragged me. Yes, I threw myself down on my feet, and knelt, never once did my butt land on the floor, he was slidding me on my feet. He states that was the reason I was injured. Lastly, even then you would not have been hurt had you not had a GENETIC DEFECT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I had a bone spur. So that is a DEFECT by SNL.

He states that he doubts that I have honestly explained my role to anyone. Which I have, and did. Stating trying to make this about my actions on another matter altogether, simply cause you didn't like it, is the most transparent baloney. Not to mention it was his safe deposit box (with the other woman), with his stuff in it (and her stuff in it and still in it), and was none of your business or concern anyways. So to show me all the stuff was not my business of the e-mails, cards, letter, pictures, sexual stuff. He states that you have been aggressive, hateful, manipulative, coercive and abusive throughout the last 2 years. That is a choice, your choice, and you are reaping the consequences of your behavior, as am I. I did not choose, to waste thousands of dollars on the other woman, I did not want the lies, the continuing lies, the deceit that you had people write checks to your name and cash them to send to her, etc.

Yes, I have been hurting, but also, he has never stated once during his affair, that I was also dealing with my beloved fathers illness and death 1 year ago. He has not mentioned that, and that I am in post traumatic stress syndrome.

He goes on, you hurt physically and he pays, those are the consequences of the altercation, what is worse? Being hurt of course, but the consequences are not something one can choose, they arise out of our choices, so you suffer. He states that he has done as much as he can, but you know what, he says, it isn't my fault. I didn't do anything to you, I acted within normal reactions to that kind of provocative circumstances. Batterers are about deliberate pain, and or control. SNL you have stated many times that you control. IHe later states one of my consequences is choosing a woman to marry who will not take responsibility for her own actions, and must always be a victim. So call me a batterer all you want, doesn't make it so, nor do I have to live with that kind of verbal abuse anymore. I am a good man, I am still a good man, and I did not do much of anything terrible. I would like to know, why my husband choose to slap my face back and forth 3 times and call me names when I was having a severe panic attack, and only called him to take me to the hospital, cause the kids were sleeping. I was at the clinic at the time. What was all that about SNL?

Then he goes on with getting a divorce. How his relationship started with the Mrs. X, how we were estranged, not healthy for each other, but we were still married on paper, and very confusing to deal with while also experiencing other feelings. He said it surprised him that I cared at all, that I showed no interest in deborah or him. Then it became clear something was going on. He should of seen that I cared, when he said the Mrs. X sent us somekind of bread dough or something, I threw it in the wastebasket. I asked why is she sending anything, cause he said we sent her something. I said what, cause I had no idea we were sending her anything, and I was upset by it. That is why I hired a low-key detective. I should of hired a good one. See I was still being resonable with money,

Anyways, he states I am sorry the marriage ended this way. Just adds more fuel to the notion I am a defective individual. Maybe I am, if so you are better off without me, I like who I am, and have no desire to change much of anything. We cannot communicate at all, and I don't think it is just some easy fix, we are worlds apart in temperament (which is a bunch of hogwash), and our basic psychological foundations (which is why we married, cause we were quite the same in this). All the last 2 years has done is prove that. I can't believe the things you say about my character, my motivations, who I am. But shomehow in your world, I guess I am those things. I have come to understand that about people, there really are different realities and successful marriage requires the reality to be the same.

So yes, he says I have no desire to namecall, and try hard not to. I will further restrict all my comments your behavior, and say nothing. I hope you do the same, but that is up to you. I would like you to not make any comments about the affair at all, or my character. Just communicate with me what you need for the completion of the divorce, kekeping in mind I have needs to, which you don't even ask about, much less meet.

This discussion resulted, that he thinks that I can live on $15,000.00 a year. He compared me to his mother, who is living over that. She worked at Fords all those years, gets SSI, retirement, and has excellent benefits. All doctor, dental, eye, exams are covered. Prescriptions only cost her $2. Plus some other things through Fords. She gets free legal advice, and if charged, minimal. Plus she gets to buy vehicles, with the Ford Plan. Also, she worked all those years, and her SSI is quite a bit more than mine. As for myself, working for Joe for all these years, without pay, with nothing, my SSI is '0'.

There is no comparison between us. Plus her house was given to her by her mother. I won't beable to afford taxes, utilities, the other 3 kids living with me, all the animals.

But in SNL's eyes, I should do just fine. I said to him, okay, you work, give me your paycheck, and I will give you $15,000.00 to live on for the year. Will you make it? Of course he changed the subject to his mom can make it.

SNL will make easily $70K a year. And for working all these years, and building the business to what it was, not NOW, I get nothing. Par for the course of being a betrayed spouse. Yes, he can make that much and more, if he wanted to. We made more than that many years. It took my input and time and getting up all hours of the day to answer the phone.

Also, he stated Sunday, that everything in this house was his. He paid for it all. I didn't make any money, he made it, so therefore it is all his. And Sunday, he told me it was too bad, that none of this was mine. Cause he was taking things and putting it in a rubbermaid container. And all I asked was that we go through this stuff together. But once again, no respect for me, and I don't mind him taking some of the stuff. Lets work this out together. That is all I am asking for.

If you want this deleted, tell me and I will delete. Just down again, and my shoulder has been in pain. I will suffer the rest of my life. SNL will only suffer for a short period. Financially, then he can go find his deborah and have his fun. What a bunch of crap. You are not that bad of a guy Joe, but you know one thing, I give you lots of credit, and lots of positive. Just reread my posts. But your e-mail to me, was pretty much negative to me. I am your wife, will always be your wife, God married us, and he hates divorce. So do what you have to, but we will alwyas be married.

Faith,
I know I haven't posted to you (or if I have it has not been for a very long time), so I am maybe a bit behind in the particulars. But I remember the interactions between you and your WH very well and I believe very strongly that you need to consider an immediate implementation of plan B (your WH does not have to agree) and a lawyer though whom you send all communication.

You need to do this for you I believe. You need to get your WH off the center stage of your life. No healing will take place until then.

I was actually glad to see you so angry in some earlier posts - rather than only sad and devastated. Anger is a message and an opportunity - now use the anger you have been feeling to make some changes in how you respond to your WH. Do not respond, reply, react to your WH. Please keep going to counseling and doing what you can to put your energy into your own life. I am worried that you have been in this spot for so long.

A friend,
Starpony

Starpony - yeah I have been in this spot. Because of interaction with wayward spouse. And the unthoughtful words, been placed at me. He doesn't seem to see the pain, and the hurt we all are experiencing. I try to listen to him, like today, he started out and I could tell it was going to be unthoughtful. It was, I would of loved it if he asked if I was hurting or what. He doesn't seem to realize the pain I suffer daily.

In physical therapy they tried something new today. I asked after the ice pack was placed on my shoulder for 20 minutes, if this is going to continue to hurt. She said, yes, take tylenol or a pain pill when you get home. I had to watch the business phones, and I fell asleep on the couch. Craddling my arm, so it wouldn't move my shoulder. Was an interesting session, she photocopied a view of the shoulder, and highlighted the muscles and area that they are manipulatling. This makes sense, and I am going to be sore.

Oh well.

Also, is anyone scared of the high level of terrorism fear we have now? I am scared for my kids, I don't care about myself that much, but my kids, to live in a world where we have moved to orange. The news had things to do in your home to protect yourself. You should have a basement. Rerouting airvents. Closing off airvents with high degree of plastic. Closing off windows with sealing tape, all around. Turning off ceiling fans, exhause fans. What a mess. We have animals, and there is nothing we can do about them. We have horses too.

Anyways, would be nice if my husband was around to help here. And to comfort us, in this day of terror.

Yes, I spiral downward. I know, and trying to combat it. I did try my boundary limit, but I am not thinking clearly today. Seems some days are better than others. Even trying to schedule appts. I screwed up really bad today. Had to call PT back, cause I realized I messed up the dates.

Just trying to plus along, and trying to survive. Some days are better than others.

Have to get someone to press my back.

Once more, he calls to ask if he can come over. I said why now its late, he wants to bring some papers over and make copies. I said whatever. If I said no, he would get mad, if I say yes, he is fine, but I feel my privacy is invaded. So I say yes just to shut him up.

He comes over and I am putting the kittens away for the night, which is in the same room, (little furnace room) their little room with a door. He is making copies, and I ask just a simple question what are you copying. He gets all huffy, and puffy, and gets this really ugly look in his eyes, like he could kill me if he had darts. He asks me what I am doing, all the time. So I just wanted to know what he is copying. He said a to do sheet. I said why are you copying it. Just a simple question. Then he gets crappy and I leave to fold clothes. I hear him faxing something over. I walk back to ask what are you faxing. He got all mad, he said he doesn't have to tell me anything. He says he is faxing stuff over to find work. I said where, he said where do you think? (Arizona - I got it right). I said the state, yeah where Mrs. X lives. He gets all mad. States to me, don't talk about his affair, and to h*ll with me.

Once again, more of his control and basically I don't have to tell him anything either. I am not going to, and if this is the way he wants to play games and treat me, so be it. He can ask me, but I can't ask him. Does this makes sense. I didn't want him over tonight, cause I told him we are getting ready to lock up. But he said he will be there in a few minutes. If he has something to fax over, why didn't he just go to the store and fax it over. What he had to copy could be done at the store. But does he consider 9:30pm a good time to come over and do his stuff good for us. NO! Why doesn't he consider that this family is under a lot of stress and why did he have to come over this exact minute. No consideration. Next time I will just say, NO the door is locked and you will have to come over the next day. See if he likes that.

So we are not to LB, but he can LB all the time.

See how many times I bend towards him. I bend to make him happy and not yell. To not see me as a person who victimizes him. But I get damned if I do and damned if I don't. I told him tonight, that I can't do anything right. Nothing at all.

What happened today, I can't talk to him, without him feeling like he is being criticized. Just to ask what he is copying meant nothing in that regard. Just wondering why he had to interrupt our evening of getting ready to shut down for the night that couldn't wait till tomorrow. But of course he wanted to do it when he wanted to. A control issue. I told him on the phone it is late. But that was too bad for us. And SNL if you don't like what I just said, too bad. It is the TRUTH isn't it SNL, you said you had some papers that were our daughters. She isn't even here, is out of town and won't be back till Wednesday so that didn't matter. So what in the heck was the big freaking crap you had to do so darn important!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Was it your faxing, which you didn't say anything about? And when I asked about your faxing, it was just wanting to know. Just like you asking me who I talk to on the phone, see, go places, etc. Secrets SNL, I just wanted to know, like you wanting to know everytime I talk to you about my plans. But it is okay for you to get all bent out of shape when I ask? I just wanted to know. Also, did you mention earlier that I called and said bring the papers over that need to be filed. He gave me this song and dance about so much paperwork to do, so much to do, and he is sooo.. busy. I told him to get all the papers in a pile and get them over here and I will file them. Then he says, there is not that much to do. I don't know when he is telling me the truth or not. Then he says, you call insurance companies about health insurance, and life insurance. You get the ball rolling and then he will take over. You call the people who owe us money, you do go to court and collect the bills. I told him today, for what. All these years I have worked for you for free since 1990, what makes me want to work for you for free anymore. Since he doesn't see that giving me $15,000 a year to live on. I talked to him about that yesterday or today. And said, I would love for you to work. Give me the paychecks, and I will give him $15,000 a year to live. And we will see how well you do. Of course, he said why do I have to take care of you. Why do I have to make sure you have enough money. Remember the lines he wrote here on MB. I will always take good care of my wife. LIke H*ll. The truth is coming out.

And once again we talk about who cares what is written on the boards here. He tells me you don't know the people that we are talking to. I was told this over and over by SNL way back when he was typing on marriage builders. But now that I am typing on MB, and he is reading, I am not to type and talk about him. But look at all the critical things he wrote about me, and how they hurt me. And he even said they hurt me to read them. Is this fair, is this thoughtfulness on his part. Heck when it hurt his wife, me, to heck with here. Hurt her any way he can. But now if I mention him in my post and say the way he is, I am being critical and demeaning. He told me today, that everyone here thinks he is a SOB. I said, no, that you are in a FFOOGGG... and I said I have stated many things that are good about you. Which I have, I have stated that he is a good father, that he is a hard worker, that he has shown love in the past, and that we were in love when we married. Do you want to take that back now SNL, or what you told me that when we married we were in love is TRUE? You told me this a few months ago, that we were in love. Cause we do have a lot in common. But you are angry now, you are angry, that things are not going the way you want. I am not happy with the way things are going. But to cooperate with you, and do things your way, is not looking out for me.

The other night, he calls me late again, and asks if I can find his military records. He talked to someone about the military records, and that he can get life insurance. I asked if it was something that could wait till tomorrow cause it was late. See, there is this one thing with SNL, when he wants it done, you do it his way and on his time. He told me this today, just do what I say, when I say it and how I want it. And that would be cooperating. Anyways, just to quiet him, I said fine, I will look. I looked and in one file I found military records. I called and said this is the only place that had anything of his. I read everything that was in that file. And it wasn't what he wanted. He kept saying does it say ##letter something, I said no. I said did you look in the movable file he had by the bookcase. He took that to his place, and who knows what is in it now. I said that was the last place you had them in. He of course said over the phone, why would they be in there. I said, that was your file, and I said you put them in there. I had no control over your military records. If he had let me do all the filing, everything would of be in its place and organized. But I couldn't take and do the files like I wanted to. So now he is looking all over for his files. There is nothing I can do. And of course, when I took time to look for his stuff, was there a thankyou, a sincere thankyou for taking time out of your night.

I will ask him tomorrow if he found his papers, and see what he says. They are not here. Just like all the papers he keeps telling his lawyer that I have. He has the darn papers, and said he would bring them over for me to file. This is nonsense, and he blames me for everything. Probably blames me for his hair loss, loss of hearing, probably for everything that is wrong with him, whatever that may be.

I was going to ask him to do a few things, but to heck with that. Just to heck with asking anything. I feel the last 2 years were pure manipulation and control on his part. Especially with him saying no to Jennifer Harley telling him to get out of the house that one night. And he telling her no on the phone. That this is his house, and he talking to his other woman in our home. See the whole darn last 2 years have been his way, and purely his way. Even down to today and yesterday. If I would only do what he says, when he says it, and how he says it. Do you ever consider the person who you are talking to husband? Do you ever look in my eyes, and say I am really hurting her today? Do you look in the face of the woman who gave you 4 beautiful children, and say what am I doing to this beautiful woman that gave me 4 children. That cared for me, that loved me, that loves my family. Do you SNL, ever really look in my blue eyes and see the pain, and sorrow.

Like today, you said why do you have to take care of me? That says it all. Selfishness on your part. You made a committment, and vows. You know that you injured me, and I am getting more tests done for possible neck and spine injury. You don't have to suffer everyday, the pain I do. You don't have to go to physical therapy 4/week. You don't have to sit in traction like I do. You don't have to take drugs everynight like I do. You don't have spasms in your back like I do. You don't even massage my back for me, I have to ask the kids to get the pain out. Hope you are happy with what is happening.

Like your e-mail stated, you are happy with yourself, and you are not going to change anything. I am sorry you feel like that. Jesus changed something in himself everyday. He saw that he was a sinner everyday in his life. Are you above Jesus/God to not change? To not see that you are a sinner? To not know that you are a sinner, and need to make yourself better? I see that I am a sinner? I see that I have made mistakes? I see that God is my savior?

When you left and called me names, and go to h*ll, this is not what God wants. Joe you are a ballistic man, and an angry man. I was asking cause I was asking out of interest and concern. I have always been interested in what you would copy and find info on. You know that I was interested, and I would file the stuff for you in your files. But now, you see me as a person vicitimizing you. So sad, I am your wife, and this is so sad.

So continue on your path with Satan. Your turn will come in the long run. And I do care about you, but you will never say anything that shows caring or thoughtfulness about me. I am sorry you feel this way SNL. I do love you. So be it.

By the way, why don't you post your statements here, instead of going through a 3rd party, me.! Voice your opinions yourself. No one thinks you are a bad person.

No one thinks I am a bad person. These people are here to help otheres. These are real people, who care and show love and compassion. That is all we all are. Here to help each other out. Goodnight.

<small>[ February 10, 2003, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Another e-mail came by SNL. I think you have a bug up your butt. He states it is still my house too. Not once during his e-mail did he say, he knew it was late, and that I told him it was late. Not once did he say anything about that was nice of you to let me in the house so late. He said stuff about he made it clear when you first asked about the copying that he was annoyed. And still came back when he was faxing, just looking for some crap to give him. He says if you weren't trying to get me, you simply would have said oh. As for him inquiring about my stuff, he says so politely. He says that he does not want to spend another winter in michigan.

No problem, jsut wondering why it was so important to bother us here, when it was late. Please give the respect to the kids, if not for me, then the kids.

Or at least have the manners of saying, sure it can wait till tomorrow. That was all I was interested in, seeing what the heck was so important about getting it done tonight. See honesty, was not in your words today, and that hurts. You need to be honest with people, that is what God wants. I am honest with you. And God knows that I am honest. Goodnight sweet one, hope you sleep well.

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>