<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:28 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

Misia,
I don't have much time right now but you might want to think about what needs she is meeting for him and then focus on meeting those needs. My WS has been telling me that my PLAN A really was important. She met his needs for admiration. Since I have also been meeting that need now, he has turned the corner. That was the major need that I was not meeting.

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

Hi Misia:

It seems to me that you are focusing a lot on what he is doing. Steve H. and others here have helped me with that. Do what you can do to make yourself a better person and wife. Don't wait for him to talk to you,for example. Talk to him anyways. I read the Admiration section of HNHN to get a better understanding of this concept.

I watched my WS to see what I did that he seemed to like and often he would give hints that told me. Steve H. said to me that when our spouses fell in love with us they did so because they did not have to tell us what made them feel good. So Steve says to keep trying to see what works. He also said not to point out to them what you have done, too controlling. Just let them notice on their own. He might not tell you that he has noticed.

I know I have a longer history in my relationship but, for example, I know my WS likes for me to wear special outfits. I used to do that many years ago and stopped. Guess what I did last night? Wore a special outfit to the health center. It went over like a charm.

Also it helped me to learn not to get too emotional. That's what the people here taught me. When I wasn't emotional, I was able to observe and learn more about what was going on in my relationship with the WS.

Hope this helps. I, of course, am no expert. This was my experience with MB.

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

misia111

Are you getting my e-mails? Trying to help. Do you want me to call on the weekend? I'm glad you are taking my advice and seeing the doctor.Just keep taking one day at a time. Read,Read,and Read it dose help.We are supposed to start marriage counseling tomarrow.He tells me he loves me but won't give OW up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

At least we are doing some talking and not fighting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your in my thoughts. Hang in there!

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

Misia:

I did exactly what the MBs told me to do and it worked for me.

Remember "Don't Beg and Plead". Let him go! Let him go! Its hard to believe and learn that begging him won't stop him.

So in the E-Mail. Say "I can't stop you from going. I don't want to be with you until you want to be with me, etc. Remember TOUGH LOVE!!!

Also, Misia, you sounded angry and made demands. LBing! I know its hard not to do.

I might have not even written him back. Why is he sending you instant messages and he lives with you?

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

Misia:

I'm not experienced enougn to make suggestions to you. The TOUGH LOVE approach worked for me. I provided the quotes from the book to you in one of my posts. It sounds like you may have given threats and/or ultimatums. The key is to be firm yet loving.

I would suggest you change your topic to URGENT--NEED HELP! Hope the Sr. Members respond.

Sounds like this weekend is going to be difficult. I have been there and know how much of a struggle it is. If it helps, know that change can happen even when it seems hopeless.

I will keep check on you. Keep posting.

Misia, never make a threat you aren't prepared to carry through. I'd go away!
A S just doesn't spend the holidays with OP, making excuses that she ask first, blah blah blah.
It's simple. Is losing the cost of a plane ticket worth more than losing his marriage?
As Dr.Phil says, he has you both because he can. One of you has to be removed from his life to wake him up. And it appears it's you who is going to have to use tough love and leave.
He uses you by saying he may as well not return. Perhaps you should have told him stay gone. Let him spend 24/7 with the bit--. I wish I'd been able to make mine stay gone, because I think he needed a dose of the reality of being with her all the time instead of just in the fantasy world they had!
They're little Eden starts to grow weeds eventually if they have not the space for the lying, sneaking and deceitfulness. I think sometimes this is the only way they see the good, bad and ugly of it!
Every garden has weeds! He just hasn't had to pull any with her yet!
When they say they dont' want to hurt anyone,what the hell do they think we are? Nobody! They're hurting us constantly while considering the OP's feelings.
Stop being the doormat or parachute for him. If he decides not to come back, you haven't lost anything worthwhile then.
But if he does break with her and return, then you know who he wants most.
I don't want anyone who wants someone else more than me.
Our recovery had been rough here. He broke contact last year, but I still hear at times how happy she made him and how unhappy I make him. I've been told I'm the worst person he ever knew.
I'm the faithful one, who loved and kissed butt for years, now I get this?
So I gave mine two great valentines gifts.
First, total forgiveness for all the pain, before, during and after A.
My second gift was the statement that since the immoral sluts of the world are so much better, he is released to go file and live with or marry one.
Especially the last one who is married and told him she didn't love him. that she loved her husband.
I told him that the cost of staying married to him is too high when I do not have the respect or love I deserve.
When a H says he loves you, wants you and his marriage------- then when the chips are down and arguing begins he tells you how wonderful the adulteress is, you have had enough. At least I have!
I say go swim in the slime and good riddance.
Of course, mine said what he has said for years. That he'll think of filing when finances permit. Of course, no matter how much money we have, it's never there for divorce.
We could pay cash today!
My FWH is here with me. But I don't feel the heart is or the brain. Otherwise he couldn't say things that continously hurt over again.
Quite frankly, as my doctor who was treating me for depression said, it would take me all of a week to replace him! LOL
Well, I do not want a replacement. I'd go for something better!
One time during an argument, he called the sheriff on me, thinking he could just get me taken to hospital as a nut. Due to depression treatment he thought it was his ticket to harm me more.
A lady sheriff was sent. I was so hurt I was crying badly. She looked at him, then me, and said right in his face. "I look at your wife and you sir, and wonder what the she sees in you"! Then she looked at me and said, "honey, you would have no problem finding someone new and fast".
She told me to quit crying over him and stop allowing him to put me down because I had way more going for me than he does. LOL
I think he turned 5 shades of red. Because she was a looker!
Then she told him if anybody was leaving that night it would be him!
Misia, this man will treat you like a doormat as long as you allow it. And being nice to him is not, in my opinion, going to change him now.
The only way he'll change is when it cost him something! That's the way with most WS's.
The BS pays and pays, while the WS just floats along enjoying their cake and eat it too.
If he goes, I vote you do not be there when he returns. Don't even leave a note!
And do not return until he's rid of OW and you get to see him tell her so!
LouLou

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:20 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

Misia,

Remember when I posted this to you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd give you is to counsel with either Steve or Jenn Harley over the phone. You can make an appointment by calling the MB office at 888-639-1639. The best thing I ever did during my wife's affair was to begin counseling with Steve within a week of D-day. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you done it yet?

If not, your intent should be to stay in Plan A demonstrating new, good, consistent marital behavior, until (just before) you're love is running out. Then Plan B. If you decide to do Plan B, you want to prepare a Plan B letter. I'd also encourage you to execute Plan B in a way that doesn't seem a direct response to something your husband has done. If you use Plan B in that way, it will come off as punishment.

I suffered through several trips that my wife took to visit the OM. They weren't fun. But Plan B was a careful response to my loss of love during the whole affair---it was something that Steve "measured" in counseling. The execution of Plan B didn't coincide with anything my wife did---it was simply me leaving.

Try to think of it as this---I see plenty of good signs in what you report here. I also remember all too well the inconsistent signs from the WS. Do not try to make sense out of this affair---it's pretty much insane behavior, and it will drive a sane person crazy (or at least give you a bad headache). And if you can in any way afford Steve or Jenn, please call them and let them help you with this. It's money well-spent, even if you have to borrow it.

Misia,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long does it take for one to figure this out. He probably feels as if I let him go and I am fine with it. Well I am not. I only want him if he wants to be with me 100%, I am worth that, and not a 1% less.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your wayward spouse is an addict. It will not be easy for him to get over this affair. It's going to take time, and if you care about your marriage, you're going to need to provide that time while hanging on to your love for him.

Your husband doesn't want to be with you 100%. You're probably right now at 50%. But heck, that was a lot better than where I was (10%). Your worth in this matter is not what is being measured. No marriage is without periods of discontent---whether it be from illness, raising children, or the horror of an affair. You've still got an excellent shot to get this marriage back on the right track. If you derive personal satisfaction from doing your best, and providing the best situation for your daughter---I hope you'll be able to get through the next few months without losing hope.

Monica,

I very much agree with K. mimi has said much the same.Let him go. Work on your self. I had to let my H go before things started to improve.I told you about the over night. It was very hard but necessary.Keep working plan A.It will help you and your baby.You don't fall in love in a day.Out of love,or fix it in a day.

Hang in there! Kathy

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:21 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

When my WS left for his weekends with the OW, I would not say anything to him about it when he came back. He wanted me to be mad at him as if to justify his actions.

Your situation has lots of positives. He is recognizing your changes in PLAN A. The problem is that he continues to be addicted to her like others have said. Think of him as being like an alcoholic. It was a struggle for me but I kept telling myself not to LB and when I did I said I was sorry.

One session with Steve H. would be worth it. He accomplishes more than you would believe in a short period of time with his approach. He tells you exactly what you need to do, like a COACH

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:21 AM: Message edited by: Misia111 ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>