I talked to my wife last night, as you know I'm living at my parents right now. I told her I was feeling good today and that I thought things were looking up, I asked her how she felt and she stated that nothing has changed and she still needs to get a divorce from me. She then stated that if I continue to work on myself then maybe in the future I can call her and ask her out and we could start dating again. Is this what she wants? Why couldn't she call me? Why get a divorce if she thinks we might start dating again? She then stated to me that she hopes we can still stay close for the kids sake. STAY CLOSE... WE ARE GETTING A DIVORCE, I don't know about anyone else, but divorce to means permanent seperation, this is not what I want, but in the same respect, If this is what she wants, how can she expect us to stay close. I don't think you divorce someone, so you can start dating them again. This is very upsetting to me, can someone help me understand this PLEASE.

The taker in her is wanting everything her way. If divorce is really what she wants then she has to understand that it is a permanent state. I hope you get more responses. You may want to check out some of the Plan A/Plan B info.

lghoping. why not stall? Ask her for a separation to continue for months and try dating later on.Why is she in a rush to divorce? She obviously is doing her thing as though single anyway.
Try to negotiate a bit with her about holding off on divorce.And in meantime, work your plan, read all you can get hands on and even counselor for counseling.
If she agrees, do not bring up anything on dates. Just act as though you've met recently and getting to know each other. Romance and have fun.
Treat her like she's the most precious thing on earth to you! Show her a side of you that has been hidden for a long time or maybe never shown.
Think back to dating days. And do those things!
God bless, LouLou

She wants a divorce because she feels that is her only option, she can't trust me and is tired of trying to make it work. She feels that a year is long enough and when she thought we were working at the same goal I was really lying to her and still have the A. I have since stopped the A and have had no contact since the day fI stopped. I feel the divorce is not the answer, but she says that she feels she has no other way to go about it. It is time for me to take care of myself and my girls. Time will tell.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lghoping:
<strong>I asked her how she felt and she stated that nothing has changed and she still needs to get a divorce from me. She then stated that if I continue to work on myself then maybe in the future I can call her and ask her out and we could start dating again. Is this what she wants? Why couldn't she call me? Why get a divorce if she thinks we might start dating again? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For her, nothing really has changed. I know you feel differently, but she has serious trust issues with you right now, and she's heard the words before. That's why she says things like: If you continue to work on yourself, maybe in the future you two can make something happen.

She probably feels that she's put her life on hold during this. She filed that divorce in April of last year. It's just been sitting there in the court system all this time, on hold, while you two tried to work things out. I don't know about where you are, but in a lot of states if there's no movement on it within a year, it falls out of the system. She was probably quite willing to let that happen until she found you with OW last month. Now, she feels like she has to act on it.

Does she want a divorce? No. But she probably also feels that the marriage she's in right now can't be saved and maybe the only way to fix things between the two of you is to end it and start over. Does it make sense? Heck if I know. But I do understand how she feels.

You want some advice? STOP TRYING TO CHANGE HER MIND. You've used up all the words. I'm going to give you the same advice that we give to BS around here. You can't make her do anything. So for the love of GOD, lg, would you please just start Plan A'ing your wife already.

You can tell her you've changed until doomsday and it's not going to do a thing. You've said it before, and you're credibility with this woman is not at an all-time high, okay.

Plan A her. Work on the things you know you need to change to get this woman back. Do not, under any circumstances, point out these changes to her. Whether she notices these changes consciously or not, they will make an impact on how she sees you. If you keep trying to assure her that you have, indeed, now changed, you're just going to make her feel pressured. You want her to associate you with good feelings. Pressure is not a good feeling.

Get copies of the EN and LB questionaires (if you don't already have them). Read His Needs, Her Needs. Fill out the questionaires. No, don't give them to her; that's just more pressure right now, and she's already said she won't do marriage counseling with you. Respect her decision on that, even though you don't agree with it. You can let her know that you're open to couples counseling with her and you'd still like that to be an option for the two of you, but don't push it. You're not the only one hurting.

Fill out the EN and LB questionaires from her point of view. Do you know what she likes? Do you know what she finds attractive in a man? Work on those things.

You are so focused on the divorce that you're missing the big picture here. You had a relationship with this woman before you married her; you'll have a relationship with her after you're divorced. I know you want to stop the D. I know you see it as a permenent ending, but it's NOT.

There are so many ways that you can get in there and fight for your wife, but as long as your sole focus is this D, you're not going to see them.

We tell BS around here to Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Plan A until it hurts and then Plan A some more. Well, your wife isn't having an A, but the strategy is the same. She is in withdrawal and the only way you're going to bring her back around to seeing you as good husband material is become good husband material.

Does she need the screen door fixed? Fix it. Offer to drop the car off at the mechanic or change the oil (if you're mechanically inclinded). Be a good father. Be a great father. Plan outings with your kids. Invite her along. Give her beautiful memories to think about when you're not there. Be there for her when she needs something. Give her the chance to rely on you. Be dependable. And above all, be honest. Be open. Be as transparent as possible with her. Tell her your hopes and dreams for the future.

Be her friend.

Think of it as passing a test -- the kind that you don't just cram for and then forget the lessons after you're done with it.

You want to save your marriage, but you need to let the marriage go and concentrate on saving the woman. If that means the divorce ends up final, you can't do anything about that. If you try to stall too blatantly, you could end up making her resent you more.

That doesn't mean you need to help her divorce you. Make it as hard for her as possible, but do it with love. Do it with caring. Do it by making her question whether she wants to do this or not, not by making her feel guilty for it or applying pressure to her to stop it.

Concentrate on her and building a better R with her. Concentrate on your kids and being the best dad you can. Concentrate on YOU and making YOU the best person you can be.

She's going to see the changes, lg, but given the timing, she may not see enough to make her stop that D before it's final. So you need to make a decision here. Is D the end for you? Or are you willing to keep fighting for that woman even when she's no longer your wife?

Mere