Hello all, I haven't been posted very much lately about myself. Thanks to all my special MB buddies for your concern. Tugs at the heart..

For those of you who do not know, I turned 40 on January 26th. I think most of you remember how I dreaded this day. Never dreamed I'd be without my H celebrating such a significant milestone. Well, something has happened to me since my trip to Savannah, Georgia as a thoughtful gift from one of my oldest friends. I am now smiling more and believe life may not be so bad. I actually enjoyed all of the little celebrations with different friends and family. Heck, even my IL's had dinner for me with a gift (just me and D of course). No, it wasn't one big hoopla with all of our dear friends and family as it would have been if H and I were together BUT it was small, wonderful get togethers which, individually, were dear to me. My favorite memory...my D holding the cake and walking towards me, singing Happy Birthday.

How's H? Well, he continues to be as miserable as ever most of the time, blaming me, pointing out my weaknesses. I never mention the A anymore. Haven't called the OW or dialed her number in almost three months. In fact, I never want to do that anymore.

Just a few event to note:
i)Two weeks ago, H comes over and wants me to get in bed with him and D to read a story. I ignored the request as if I never heard it.
ii)The day after he talks to me about friends and occurrences in his day. I kindly listen.
iii)He goes away skiing with some "boys" for four days (yippee...no tug of war with D!)
iv)H returns from skiing last Monday, goes to pick up D at IL. I decide to come home later because he prefers time with D alone without me in the house (as he has stated in the past). I arrive home at 7:30 and he wonders why I'm home "late". Follows me upstairs and comes in while I'm changing (something he labelled in appropriate at some point) and wondered why I looked surprised. Then asked me what we doing for care while his parents go away down south for two weeks. I told him and then he said, "So, are you ready to talk to a lawyer?" I said, "sure, set something up whenever you want." He says, "Really, you're okay?" Honest?" "Yes, really." I say. Okay, then he asks me about custody and I'd prefer every other weekend. He wants something different so he BLOWS up. He says the following:

i)Tells D to repeat the word "full" 5 times in reference to custody. YELLS for her to say it to "mommy" because I want to take Daddy away.
ii)Tells D to ask me where my father is. (My father was abusive. My parents are divorced. I don't have a relationship with my father because of his repeated abuse and lack of "repentance"). My H used to support me.
iii)Tells D to ask me where her other grandfather is.
iv)Tells D that he wants to make sure all of Mommy's evil bloodstream is out of her system.

In all of this, I said nothing. I cried silently wondering how mean he has become. I no longer spoke to him. He asked me a few questions. I did not answer. D spilled a bowl of something on the floor. He looked at it and walked out muttering that I'm turning my D into a slob.

I continued to say nothing. I have told no one about many such incidents and no longer feel the need to have to with anyone other than MB.

And now, I'm getting a new kitchen installed (not expensive) but uplifting and it's a great change. The original kitchen was falling apart in many ways. And guess what...I'm EXCITED about having a pot drawer and getting the microwave OFF the counter...

Just a little example of my focus shift because that's all I can do. Get excited about opportunities and new challenges.

No, I don't want to be divorced and I do continue to harbour hopes that my marriage may be restored but they are deep within my soul and behind solid barriers.

Love to all of you.

<small>[ February 07, 2003, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: Terrified ]</small>

Hi Terrified -- I turn 40 next week and have some of the same dread, but hope it turns out as wonderful as your's did (two girlfriends are taking me to a spa and I am extremely grateful).

You sound so strong right now and your WH sounds still so angry. It is a wonder how somebody you loved and put your trust in for so many years could turn so nasty and angry. My WH has not become nasty, but he is angry and is becoming a person I'm not sure I want to know in any kind of relationship.

I think you handled yourself very well in a tense situation (albeit you've had a lot of practice). My hat is off to you.

Didn't you love Savannah? I went there a few years ago and thought it was beautiful. Stayed at a lovely B&B, ate dinner at Elizabeth's (thankfully I wasn't paying for it), and went to hear live jazz. What a great place for a birthday trip.

WOW is this the SAME TERRIFIED or is this an IMPOSTER! LOL I am so proud of the way you handled things with your WH! Can I be the first to say IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME! LOL Do you see how he is being the typical MEAN WS? Since you are no longer giving him amunition to blow up at you, he is taking ANYTHING HE CAN GET to make you look/feel bad so he can feel better about himself and his actions. If you stop reacting to all of his silly actions/words and no longer let yourself get pulled into HIS DRAMA he will see the light and see a STRONGER TERRIFIED who is no longer TERRIFIED (well maybe just a little Terrified but not as much). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He will look in the mirror very soon and see someone who he doesn't like at all.

Hello Unsure, Nice to hear from you. The spa outing sound wonderful. Girlfriends really can do wonders sometimes. I'm sure that will help to make your day more special. My thinking is that turning 40 is a time to reinvent.

An angry H isn't fun, is it?

Savannah was amazing! It is a memory I will hold dear for a long time because it represents a turning point for me. So much history in Savannah and history is what defines us in many ways...

How is your Plan B progressing?

Hello Trying, Nice to hear from you too! You've made me chuckle. I've been pretty needy for a fairly long period of time, haven't I? Let's hope the less needy "Terrified" is here to stay. Thanks for your encouragement.

Hugs

quote:

just a few event to note:
i)Two weeks ago, H comes over and wants me to get in bed with him and D to read a story. I ignored the request as if I never heard it.
ii)The day after he talks to me about friends and occurrences in his day. I kindly listen.
iii)He goes away skiing with some "boys" for four days (yippee...no tug of war with D!)
iv)H returns from skiing last Monday, goes to pick up D at IL. I decide to come home later because he prefers time with D alone without me in the house (as he has stated in the past). I arrive home at 7:30 and he wonders why I'm home "late". Follows me upstairs and comes in while I'm changing (something he labelled in appropriate at some point) and wondered why I looked surprised. Then asked me what we doing for care while his parents go away down south for two weeks. I told him and then he said, "So, are you ready to talk to a lawyer?" I said, "sure, set something up whenever you want." He says, "Really, you're okay?" Honest?" "Yes, really." I say. Okay, then he asks me about custody and I'd prefer every other weekend."

This is absolutely perfect in how to handle a person who is acting as if they want out. Perfect!!!!!!

I noticed that you are finding ways to look at the good in all of your situations, and not let his mood bring down your happiness.... Isn't it a great feeling to realize we really do not need them to help make us happy?

Keep it up.. You are on your way to being healthy and happy... good things will be coming your way when you keep this outlook..

Hi Terri,

What a great update. Well you know that there is no pleasing a Ws in heat!!! LOL!

Glad you had a nice time in Savanah. The fact that his family still thinks of you shows it is very evident that his choices do not have everyone's approval. Good!

You are doing so much better. The gap between you and him is widening and he had better get his act together since you are just moving forward with grace and style.

The fact that he has initiated some movements towards you may flatter then anger you. Just view it as a very ignorant man who can't speak nicely to a woman.

When he tries to initiate talk and stumbles, don't help him. He will learn how to treat you well. If he gets to angry at you, you always have the retort that he needs to be talking to the mirror so he can see what the rest of the world sees.

I am concerned about what he is trying to put your D through. How is she doing? This may be the time your little one will retort some strong words to her dad. Or she may feel lost. It is so sad when a parent tries to put the child in the middle. It is down right shameful.

Take care, I am quite proud of you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
L.

<small>[ February 07, 2003, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Good for you, keep up the good work. WE all have our bad days, and you are getting an updated kitchen, with pot/pan drawer and microwave off the counter. Keep your smile, dear one. From one of the same.

Well I just want to say that forty looks Faaabulous on you...

both inside and out...

Keep building on your inner strenth....it's all inside of you....

start thinking about lining up your duckies to protect yourself legally...
also document his 'ugly' encounters and perhaps even save/record some of his messages that are threatening/irrational...(does he have any rational things to say ever ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )...only to protect you...it is worrisome that you suggest every other weekend and that makes him blow up...
BUT BUT BUT...still not giving up on you...just want to see you continue to grow and feel good about YOU.....

peace to you
ARK

It can get better Terri, draw those boundaries and don't let him hurt you. Have you read the book Boundaries? yet. I strongly reccomend. Protect you so that you are safe from his harm, D too of course.

He deserves visitation, but not angry outbursts, let him know firmly you will not tolerate it, but with love if you can.

I applaud your strength and new peace about you. HOpe is still there, show him he can't get by with treating you less than what is right.

Hugs, H