A very close friend of mine has just had a miscarriage which resulted in emergency surgery. I feel really, really terrible and I am doing my best to help in any way possible. Fortunately, I have never been through this experience. But on the other hand I feel impaired as to how to deal with it. We talk all the time, and are very close, but I would like to know if there are certain things or phrases I should avoid during the healing process, and I would also like to know WHAT WORKS. I would like any advice from people who have (personally) been there or who have been involved with a close friend or spouse who has suffered this devastating loss. I want to know how I can best help my friend and, if possible, what some of th grieving stages are.
Any advice appreciated

P.S. -- Just to make things clear -- we are both women -- I am not a man!! Never can tell from the screen name!

1red...

sorry to hear about your friend...

i lost a baby... carried her for 22 weeks...

if i have any advice it is to have some sort of memorial service...

oaktown...

Talk to your friend. Tell her that you are there for her, to listen to her if she needs to talk; be it about her surgery, the baby, the hopes, etc. Tell her that. Tell her to call you whenever she needs to... even if it means in the middle of the night. But do NOT wait for HER call! Be there for her. Go to her house and help her with some meals, some cleaning, etc. And whatever you do, do NOT be afraid to talk about her baby! (unless of course, she specifically requests that you do not).

I am speaking from the perspective of a mother who lost a child to death; he was almost 4 yrs old. I also had a miscarriage at 9 weeks in the summer of 2001, but strangely enough, I was okay with that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

There are numerous websites around, that offer counselling and group support for people living after miscarriage... both mums and dads included. Just do some searches on your favourite search engines, and you're bound to find lots of what you need. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You're a good friend to have. And I'm sure your friend knows this, and is very thankful (but keep in mind, she may not know how to thank you until years from now).

Karen

Thanks to you all for your replies. Yes, she is comfortable relating to the loss of her child and I am too. We CAN talk about it. All the same, I feel there is something more that I can do to help (perhaps as suggested prepare some meals or take her out somewhere..) My heart just aches knowing (and yet not knowing personally) what she is going through. I guess the best thing to do is ask the simple question: "How can I help?"
Thanks for the advice,
1Red

1Red, worst thing you could say is "You'll have other babies"! It is like not recognizing this baby was real and alive. My daughter miscarried our first grandchild. She was devastated.
It hurts terribly. I'd say just being there for her, telling her you hurt with her though you can't possibly know her pain.
Let her talk if she wishes as though she'd held the baby already and not just miscarried.
Ask if she has named her baby if you think she had?
I think the hard part for others is not thinking of it in terms of real because the baby had not been born. To her, it was her baby, real in every sense. So she's grieving just like any mother would if they lost a child.
Always refer to her baby as such. I'm so sorry your friend has this pain. It hurts so badly.
Referring to baby as "it" is not good for me. There should be a name or just baby. never It.
God bless and Love and prayers to your friend. LouLou

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1Red, worst thing you could say is "You'll have other babies"!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DITTO!! Someone close to me actually said this to me after I had a stillborn little girl (37 wks). The best thing you can do is spend time with her, be there for her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, she is comfortable relating to the loss of her child and I am too. We CAN talk about it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is good. The only person I talked to about it was my now ex H. And that didn't last long, because he was no comfort to me and always focused on his pain.

Read up on the five stages of grief, and let her know that it is ok to talk about anything. Take your cues from her. If she wants to talk about the baby, listen and comfort her. If she doesn't, go out shopping, or to a movie, or whatever you did before she lost the baby--she may have days in which she just wants to get back to "normal life".

Good luck--you sound like a wonderful friend.

Thanks for the suggestions -- I am anxiously awaiting her call after the surgery, which was/is this morning. I appreciate the advice given -- especially not to say "you'll have other babies." (Who with ANY decency and respect would ever say this??!!) This will be a little difficult to negotiate as she has already decided she wants to see an infertility expert -- which really isn't the problem, obviously. I will try to explain to her that infertility is for couples who have tried for at least one year (I think that the clinical defintion) to have a child and not succeeded. I don't think (I may be wrong) that they work with people who have high-risk pregnancy issues.
We're both older -- in our last child-bearing years -- so this makes it more difficult. This could end up not just as a loss but as a final loss for her.
Anyway, thanks for the comments -- I knew that I could count on a few folks here to give some sensitive advice.
Let's all try to make today better than yesterday.
1Red

Actually, I have read that older couples should not wait as long...can't recall, I think maybe it said that if they had tried for 6 months to conceive they should see an infertility doc. I don't know how long they tried with this pregnancy, but she may not be as off-base as it sounds. A high-risk specialist is different, she may well be considered high-risk now, due to her age and depending upon the circumstances of this loss. BTW, how far along was she?

Other things not to say:

It is probably for the best.
It must be God's will.
Maybe you will have twins next time (?????)
You are lucky that you lost the baby before you got to know him/her.

It is amazing the things people say.

We lost a baby girl at fullterm delivery. My favorite response was the woman who told me she just came to cry with me.

Kathi

I went to a group for battered wives Thursday night. And the best thing you could do is listen. Let her express her feelings and loss without trouble shooting. Don't offer suggestions right now. Just listen. This is something we as humans do too much of, try to troubleshoot. I lost a baby in a miscarriage. It was hard, and I only wanted someone to listen, and hold me. My husbands aunt came out to stay with us a couple of days. And one of the worst things someone could say was what she said. You have other children, you are young, you can try again. To heck with her is what I felt inside, I never really liked her anyways. I don't think I told my husband, for fear of him being mad at her. So I harbored it. But that was the most callous thing to say in a great loss.

Just listen, and I would ask her if she would like for you to prepare a dinner for her family. Maybe do it in her home, so while you are cooking, she can sit there and cry, and talk. She needs to talk, and needs to talk, and talk. Let her cry, and occasionally put your arm around her and let her get it out. You could say, I see you are upset, and this hurts. You could say I am sorry. Just don't try to solve it.

The group session is helping me. With coping with life after my husbands affair, and now going through divorce.

She was very, very early on. Maybe 4-6 weeks. Not that it makes a difference in the loss. Well, I correct myself. I remember my aunt had a full-term stillborn baby girl, and I guess that is much more traumatic. Either way, please don't feel like I am saying one is worse than the other.
(I have never been through either, luckily)
I will stand by her and do the "little" things that have been suggested. Realizing of course that these are not just "little" things -- "little big steps" as my mother says. Bring food, talk, LISTEN (so important), and encourage. I think I will ask her if she had a name in mind...that way we can refer to the baby as a person.
You guys are the best -- thanks for helping me out at a time when I felt at a loss for words. I know it will be a process, and a painful one, but we will get through it.
Thank God for giving us a new day! And I made a resolution this morning that I am going to face the world with happiness and joy EVERY day. My H may be in the dumps and I may be tired...but I vow to greet each day with a smile and a wink of confidence!
God bless you all for helping me help someone else.
1Red

1Red,

My heart goes out to your friend. I also lost a baby at an early stage (about 5 weeks). I was devastated all the same. I was just getting over the birth of my second child in September and lost the baby in December. The best thing to do/say IMHO is "I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do to help?"
My MIL figured telling me "well you couldn't afford it anyway" was appropriate... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> go figure.(Kind of explains why I never got along with Dear old MIL, huh?)
I am amazed at things people say when confronted with other peoples turmoil. Sometimes just a hug is enough when there are no words to express your sympathy.

Your friend will be thankful to God for gifting her with such a wonderful friend that cares enough to ask what to say instead of bumbling in...You are indeed a kind-hearted woman 1Red, God bless you

Dear Nutcase--
How CRUEL of the MIL to say that...May she be kidnapped by aliens and taken away. (That's my most evil wish...)
Yes, you are right the best thing to say is simply to ask "what can I do?" I feel so bad for her having to to go through this...I know what it is like to have to have exam after exam as I had cervical cancer and treatment. It's way worse than having a root canal...to constantly have to get up there and "scoot down" is so demoralizing. So invasive.
Well, I have called her and she is still not home...I am begining to get seriously worried. I offered to go to the hospital with her and even hold her hand through it, but she preferred him to be there -- which I have to respect. So, wish us all luck and pray for us. Thanks to all of you who have shared your advice and talked about your own painful experiences...I REALLY respect the fact that you were able to reach out and give me advice. I KNEW I would find solutions here!
May God bless us all and Patron Saint Jude will help us find our way in life.
1Red

1Red,

You have great advice given here. I had a baby stillborn at 27 weeks. I had one S who was four years old at the time. I did not think I could bear the thoughts of ever having another baby. I was too afraid. Two years later though, we were blessed with a lovely D who along with her brother, are the miracles of my sadness.

You are a great friend. I had a friend like that when I lost my baby. She came and sat with me everyday in the hospital (16 days until baby delivered stillborn). She was also pregnant. I know it was hard for her to do that for me.

Just being there siting,talking or not talking, calling, visiting, taking food, helping around, the house will all be appreciated. I'm sure though she will just be glad to see you.

Believe it or not, one of the ladies in the church did tell me, "You're young. You can have lots of babies." Even if I had a 1000 babies, I would never have my S back.

Your friend will also tell you what she needs.

In my prayers,
landslide

Thank you Landslide and everyone...I will take into account all of your recommendations. Tomorrow, I will bring her breakfast from Denny's -- she loves their FRench Toast. But for the moment, I am VERY CONCERNED. NO ANSWER ON THE HOME OR CELL. SURGERY WAS TO BE AT 10 OR 11 IN THE MORNING...
The BF has obviously changed the answering machine...worried, worried, worried.
Please help with prayer and good thoughts.
1Red

I suffered a miscarriage between my first and second child. My best advice is to understand that it is the loss of a child for a couple so recognize the loss and just lend an ear