This is a dual post. Both H and I have questions on how where to go from here. "A" was over end of Dec. (Lasted 3 months) H was told on Jan 1. No contact has been made with other since then. Our questions are how to move on from here. We both want to try to make the marriage work. We have been married for 10 years. The "A" was with an old friend. Mistake was realized and "A" was ended. Now our issue is moving on. It is understood that the pain and mistrust will be there. It is something that takes time to recover. However how do we try to rebuild our marriage now? It is a daily topic of discussion to the point that W cried herself to sleep on most nights. The knowing of the pain that was caused and the feeling of the past years being gone is extremely hard for both of us to get over. It is understood the H needs to get answers and try to resolve the mistrust, among other things, but the anger is always there and ruling how our days are spent. However as the W I feel as if I am being punished on a daily basis and we are not yet rebuilding the marriage. Just living that over and over. Arguing for 3-4 hours daily for the past month or so is starting to cause other problems. H feels I think he should be over it in a month, but that is no exactly it. We want to move on and start to rebuild the marriage, but not sure how to do this if we have different feeling on how to do it.

Hi and welcome to MB.

It is good to see a couple willing to work together here. Have you read the concepts section above and taken the emotional needs questionnaire? They are helpful, along with the books Surviving and Affair and HIs needs/Her needs both are by Dr Harley.

Steve and Jennifer are both counselors that do phone counseling and you can make an appointment with them. They are very good.

Recovery does not have a time limit. There is much to be taken into consideration (personalities, circumstances, etc.). It will take time. Keeping communication open and implementing radical honesty is a good start. You will learn more. Don't expect total movement forward. There will be down days. You can individually post here. There are couples that post here periodically.

We are glad you came,

L.

Welcome...you've taken the first steps to rebuilding by realizing the mistake of the A and correcting it. You've established NC. GREAT. Now you want to began rebuilding in earnest.

Wish I could tell you that it's going to be a "walk in the park"...well it isn't. But you can do it! Quite often a marriage becomes stronger and healthier while rebuilding. We get to those issues which have needed to be addressed, but were rather ignored in the hopes of them working out on their own.

You will both have to deal with the act of betrayal first. While I am sure there are many other issues which also need to be addressed, this one will overshadow all overs for some time to come.

Be honest with each other. Painfully so at times, but with as much kindness as you can when dealing with such a painful subject. Don't try to "protect" the other from the truth...as the truth must return to the marriage before true rebuilding begans.

Do seek out some professional counseling...both marriage and individual. Find someone you can be comfortable with and open. Make sure the counselor knows what your goal is...self-discovery and reclaiming your marriage.

There is a LOT of information on site...READ!

For couples in recovery, I really think if you take Plan A and both use it together...you'll find it's hard not to rebuild. While Plan A is most often used by the BS while the affair is either on-going or recently ended rather unwillingly...it is a GREAT plan when you both use it to rebuild with good effort and commitment. It makes you focus on yourself and work on those areas where you might could use a little improvement on being a better person and a better partner. It helps keep you focused on the positives in your marriage while trying to downplay, but not ignore the negatives. IF BOTH of you do this together...you'll be meeting each other's needs and you'll both be trying your very best to support and care for the other with kindness and love.

Be sure and read the section on "her needs/his needs", each of you take the form and fill it out and share what the other feels are their most important needs. Discover what areas you might want to improve.

btw...the BS often feels pressure to "move on", even if the WS is not truly meaning to apply pressure. Of course, the WS would like to be able to avoid going over and over past mistakes...but until the BS has gotten control of their emotions, very hard to do, and they not only are getting the truth, but FEEL as if they are getting the truth, they aren't going to be moving very fast down that healing path.

It's a very difficult path to walk, especially in the beginning. So often we feel as if we start out...run slap dab into a brick wall and are forced right back on square one to take another path trying to find the one which will allow us to move forward. But we do move. Just very slowly. Lots of backsteps along with forward motion.

This is NOT the easy path. You've both choosen the hard path, but together with support, love, understanding, patience and kindness...one that you will succeed on. There is a wonderful light at the end of this tunnel. And there is much learning and growth for each of you as an individual and as a couple.

Rebuilding is never easy...but it can be so rewarding! Good Luck!

bump!

Welcome to MB!

Wifey has some great advice for you both... It's refreshing to see couples come here and post.

Like Wifey said, the road that you've chosen isn't going to be easy... I second the advice that you should seek out a good pro-marriage MC and start going together.

As you've both noticed, the WS usually appears to want to move on much quicker than the BS... This is "normal", but there are some things that you can do to minimize the damage. The WS should NEVER tell the BS to "Just get over it." As the WS, you're going to get sick and tired of answering all of your BS questions... My FWW really hated it because I'd ask the same questions over and over again. It helped us for me to write out my questions, think about them for a day or so, then revise my list, then give it to my W. She would then answer them as best she could.

We did play the "Ask the perfect question" to get an answer game... WS, please, please don't do this to your BS... it will just make rebuilding that much harder. Be as open and honest as you can and don't "ration" the truth in the hopes of "protecting" your BS feelings.

The BS needs to look for ways to vent his/her anger without harming the WS... posting here is a great way to vent! Try to create a "safe" environment where your WS will be open to talking/communicating with you... If you constantly "blow up" and get angry, then your WS isn't going to feel much like talking with you. I know that you're probably thinking... Hey, I'm the one that get's the short end of the stick here... when you feel this way, just ask yourself, "Do I want to be right, or do I want to rebuild my M?"...

Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Our MC gave us this book and my W and I worked through it together... it really helped us see where we'd been and where we needed to go.

I'm sure that others will have more input...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Just wanted to thanks everyone for their advice. We are both wanting to work on our M with the knowledge that it can be just as good if not better than it was before. We know there are still hard times ahead and aer willing to travel the hard road to get to the end. This is such a wonderful site to get help and advice from people who have been there before. We are going to get some of the books suggested and approach plan A with open minds. Since we are both wanting to make it work I do believe that it will work. THANKS FOR BEING AN OPEN EAR TO TALK TO.