Ok, hubby has been back 2 weeks. I am up tonight sleeping on the couch because for the last 2 nights he has been making me feel really weird in the SF dept. We made love the first night I went and got him and a few times since but lately all my attempts have been in vain. I try to encourage him to talk to me, tell me if he feels weird about it...nothing from him except it is all in my head.
Oh once I got a, we never had problems in that dept. I am not getting any response from him, nothing. He just lays there like a cold fish but it is all in my head. The NC thing is going well but I don't know what to make of this. Why do you think he might be being distant?
I have asked him if he wants to take it slow in that department he said no. I am getting frustrated. Please help.
Love ya,
Layli

Dangit, I had intended on writing you...and mostly H...a lengthy letter giving you some insight on what is or could be to come. I'm just so darn swamped!!! But, I WILL MAKE TIME! I'll try get a letter put together tonight.

For your current question...it sounds like withdrawl pure and simple. And his answers are an attempt to shelter you from more pain, and an attempt to convince himself that everything is ok. He needs to be RADICALLY HONEST. He's probably shifting from doubts to no doubts to confusion to mixed feeling after mixed feeling. I sheltered my hubby from my real feelings too...thinking that I could just figure it all out myself and why confuse anyone else in the meantime. But you're MB educated!! It will still hurt if hubby tells you he thinks about the OW or that he has doubts...but you know that's NORMAL and all part of withdrawl. IT DOES PASS!! But make sure you're working together so as not to wander off on seperate paths again. He needs to start talking about how he's feeling with someone...it needs to be you, but if he won't do that right now, send him to us! We don't bite! (occasionally on wednesdays, but other than that....)

I'll try to write more later. Hang in there!!

Hope and Layli:

Please read my posts under Mimi's New Developments and give me your thoughts/suggestions/feedback? Thanks!

Thanks hope, definately get back to me when you can. If you need to email me mcmcfie@yahoo.com.
I think maybe if I could get H to just talk it would help, it's not like I wont understand.
Waiting with baited breath.....lol....remember my dog has the secret opening to narnia.
Thanks chicky,
Layli

Ok, I'm here!! I'm hoping not too late!

How are things there right now? How'd Valentines day go? Has Mr. L read any of the Marriage Builders books or thought about posting here at all?? I'd love to try to help him through the withdrawl.

I had intended on writing Mr L a letter right away after he came back...but needless to say my time has been super short. One of the things I was going to suggest was to make the most of the "honeymoon" period after you first get back together. There's usually a short time before reality starts setting in again and the fog starts moving back in an attempt to avoid the pain that reality brings. Getting in to counseling ASAP and reading about withdrawl and how NORMAL it is to start having doubts and to slip back for a while.

Anyway, I'm hoping things haven't slipped too far back and you aren't having a false recovery. Those SUCK...we had several of them.

Mr L, I apologize for not making time to write you earlier. First I want to say that I have been in your shoes. Maybe not the same exact situation, but after being on boards that deal with adultry for the past 3 years I will say that there really isn't much uniqueness when it comes to these situations. As unromantic as that is...it's the truth. I was very drawn in to the romantic idea of finding my soulmate and living out a perfect marriage with that person. I wanted it all to be easy...I wanted it all to just be a matter of finding the right person.

The truth was, though, no matter WHO I chose to be with...it would have ALWAYS turned out similiarly once the initial infatuation was over. Because marriage takes WORK! Being the best person we can be, being the best partner we can be...is not easy!

I went through the online addiction. I didn't want to work...I was tired all the time and the only thing I cared about was getting online and finding someone to take my mind of my life. I was depressed...I think maybe you have been too? The last thing I wanted was to be on "happy pills". I figured it was just a matter of me deciding to do something about it and I could get through it myself. Well, I couldn't. I just got in deeper and deeper until I just almost couldn't stand it. Both of my parents committed suicide and during the depths of my depression I came to have some understanding as to how they could do what they did. I would never...NEVER...do that to myself or the people I love...but it still was so excruiciatingly miserable I could see how some people might think it was the only way out.

I got help. I tried couseling and it did help some, but I also saw my doctor and she got me on some very low dosage antidepressants. I wasn't on them very long because we could never get them regulated right...but long enough to get me through a dreary winter season and in to spring. Once spring came the sunshine helped to keep my moods lifted and I could get out and exercise more. The antidepressants got me out of the pit and once out I COULD manage to stay out on my own. I just hope you might consider getting help. I think by now you know the road chose wasn't the right one, I hope you might come to realize that it isn't chance that will lead you down the right one. It's effort on your part.

Like my sig line reads...my H has become my perfect partner, and I honestly did NOT believe that was possible, even when I chose to come back. I knew I did in fact love him, even though I wasn't in love with him at the time...and I hoped to put our marriage back together better than it had been. What we actually have today was unfathomable to me. He really is MY BEST FRIEND!! He really has become my lover! He really is my life partner! I love him more deeply than I thought possible and when we put the time in to our relationship that it deserves, we do fall in love! I would love to see you and Mrs L find that together.

You might be having doubts right now...probably having withdrawls...maybe you're feeling guilt or anger. Whatever you are feeling it is NORMAL and your wife can not only HANDLE it, she can help you through it!! It doesn't hurt anything to atleast TRY. Withdrawing from her won't get you anywhere accept divorced. I know that isn't what you want. You just want to be happy again. You CAN HAVE THAT!!!

Please think about getting some help...think about opening up all of what you're thinking and feeling to your wife...think about posting here and letting us atleast talk with you. Mrs. Layli is a very special lady...we want the best for both of you.

**Bump**

I'm hopin no news is good news??? Where ya at layli??

Bump!!

Layli...I'm worrying about you!! I'm hoping you guys are second honeymooning and not going through a false recovery!!

Well 3 months later I finally get to reply.
Sorry, things have been really hectic and crazy.
Aunt is dying from brain cancer, had to move my Mom up here, work is stinky. You know the whole when it rains it pours.
Things are thankfully going rather well. Haven't heard much from OW since March, thank god.
Things with FWS are going wonderfully. Still building our house, still trying to dig out of things financially. We have our bumps in the road but we have done quite a few of the questionaires and I see improvement daily.
He quit his job again which has been a bit stressful, financially we were not in a position to lose the second income but hopefully he will get something soon.
I am going through a bit of a dry spell in the SF department. I just feel way too stressed right now and have too much going on to feel very romantic. I wonder if it is normal because of the strsses. I hope so. It is ironic considering where I was at the beginning of the post. At times I wonder if it is fall out from the A. I am not sure at this time.
I feel safe to say we are out of the honeymoon phase and doing rather well.
I hope all of you are well. Let me know. Sorry it took me so long.
Love you guys,
Layli

LAYLI!!! Whew! I've thought of you often and wondered how it was going. It sounds like you're hanging in there. Stress can definatly effect the SF department, so don't sweat that. I hope things continue to get better and life starts shaping up for you!

Layli,

I've been wondering how you are doing!!

I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'll add her to my prayer list.

I second Hope on the SF.

Keep doing what you are doing and it will only get better! We wish you both many many years of happiness!!

K

Layli

Hello there!!! I am so glad to hear things are going so well with you and H. Sorry about your other bad news, and it is not surprising with all that to contend with you are feeling somewhat stressed and not in "the mood". The main thing is that you and H are clearly working together as a team, and that makes me really happy.

Perhaps when you have a little time you could start a new thread, or change the title to one which shows that there are successes out there. Sometimes it is very hard to keep reading the upsets that people endure. Whilst you had yours, you are now back on track, and I do hope it continues to go that way for you and H.

Much love to you
Lisa