Hi everyone.

Took a break from MB for a little while, sometimes it's good to just get away from the marriage forums, books, and the like, and just focus on things on my own. So that's what I've been doing for the past week. But I also know that a lot of you here have been reading my posts for quite a while now, and I do want to keep you in the loop regarding my feelings and the latest goings on my with WW. I also love hearing your thoughts and opinions on the latest happenings in my life, as well.

Anyway, the last report I logged was regarding a nice hour-long visit from my wife, probably the best, most comfortable time we'd spent together since D-Day. Here's that post:

WW Comes To Visit: The Sequel!

I've been trying my best to stay in touch with my wife at least on a weekly basis. We've been seeing each other or speaking on the phone on the average of once a week now, usually on Thursdays.

So, last Thursday, it had been 9 days since we spoke or saw each other. I was very happy when around 6:00, the phone rang. It was WW, calling to say hello but mostly because she'd just purchased DSL modem service and needed some help setting it up. So again, I had some mixed feelings, because it was great to talk to her, but again I felt she was calling only because she needed help with something, and, to make matters worse, she was again settling into her new place even more, now having bought a used computer and this DSL service. Not a sign that she is planning to move home anytime soon, if ever.

Of course, I was happy to help her though, and appreciate the fact that she is comfortable enough to call me when she needs help with things now. I have been very happy and cheery, and it's great to talk to her, no matter what the reason. So I walked her through some steps, but it was obvious that it might be a problem with bad line quality in her apartment. I suggested that it might be that, or just bad hardware, and told her she could borrow a phone cord or even bring her modem over to the house to test it with the lines here. Well she jumped at that chance, and within minutes, she was on her way over to the house!

She also had said during the conversation that if she needed to come over, she would bring our cat with her. I haven't seen the kitty since she moved out and took her, 3 months ago. Sure enough, when she showed up, she had brought the cat in her little kitty carrier! So that was really neat, and a nice gesture I thought. The cat adjusted pretty quickly to being home again, looked in the room where her food and litter used to be, and my W let me give the cat some tuna to eat. I think the cat liked being home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, my W stayed for about an hour. We talked about what we've been up to, little things, no relationship talk or divorce talk. I had my wedding ring on as always (she of course still doesn't wear hers). She picked up her mail and actually sat down and opened it there (she used to take it and leave). We toyed around with her modem and discovered it worked fine at the house, so it must be old wiring in her apartment keeping it from working. I offered to come over and take a look at it but she didn't want that -- She definitely doesn't want me anywhere near her apartment, I haven't been invited there since the day I helped her move her things in.

She helped herself to girl scout cookies and jellybeans at the house, and also took her coat right off when she got there and seemed at ease. She didn't want to have dinner with me or even a drink though.

For the hour she was there, most of that time we did spend working on the modem. We talked a little, it was comfortable. She complimented me on a shirt I was wearing. I played some funny clips I saved for her on the PC that made her laugh. It was pretty relaxed, I don't really even think about our problems or the A anymore when I see her, I just enjoy her company. I think that helps a lot.

When she left, she asked that I help her carry the cat out to the car, so I walked her out, first time I have done that in a while too. On the way out, I was telling her about a movie I had on the Tivo that she would like. She said they didn't have it at the rental store, so I offered to run her off a copy to watch. She doesn't have a VCR either though, I forgot. So then I told her I could save it, if she ever wanted to come and watch it. "Yeah, Save it!" she said, and it sounded sincere. So maybe she'll actually come over and watch a movie with me sometime. That would be a good thing.

So, overall, I suppose I am doing all I can do improve things. Generally I felt good about the visit and seeing her. I don't bring "us" up anymore or put any pressure on. I only wonder if that gives her the idea that I'm fine just as friends, or if she is starting to warm up to the idea of coming home someday. I know this stuff takes time, but I still don't know in which direction we're heading.

Anyway, there's the latest! With Valentine's Day on the way, I'll likely be a little down this week. I hope to see W sometime this week to have her sign our income tax forms so I can send them off, so I'll likely e-mail her about that. Overall, I am doing my best and enjoying her company, also feeling good about myself, but still hoping, almost 4 months since D-Day, that she might want our marriage again.

Comments, questions, etc welcome!

ALS

ALS

ALS - as good as you can do.

What are your thoughts on Plan B?

WAT

WAT - I've been working with Cerri and she's been advising me to stick with positive Plan A stuff as long as I can stand it, so that's what I'm doing.

As for my feelings on Plan B, I feel that one day I am going to get there, and it's going to be soon. I'm thinking no more than 2 months. It's a tough subject, because at this point, in the past, any talk of our relationship or our future has met with W's immediate talk of me signing divorce papers that she has ready.

So, I feel that the day I send a Plan B letter, her response is going to be "If you don't want to see me or talk to me any more, then sign these divorce papers!" So it's not as if I get that feeling that W is attached to me or that Plan A has had enough effect to make Plan B effective, at least, not yet. Right now, I still feel that Plan B would just convince my W she wants the Dv and have her become aggressive with it again.

ALS

Man, where did the rest of my peeps go?

ALS

ALS:

"So, I feel that the day I send a Plan B letter, her response is going to be "If you don't want to see me or talk to me any more, then sign these divorce papers!" So it's not as if I get that feeling that W is attached to me or that Plan A has had enough effect to make Plan B effective, at least, not yet. Right now, I still feel that Plan B would just convince my W she wants the Dv and have her become aggressive with it again."

Well, consider the source of this reply (Mr plan A until I die), but the point of doing a plan B for you would be to give your W the opportunity to figure out whether she wants you in her life or not. Right now, she's cakeeating. But for right now, since it's still been a relatively short time, you can let her do this because you are making some progress with her - she's no longer afraid of you (though she had no real reason to be to begin with, right?). She's learning that you can be a safe person to talk to, maybe even to spend some time with, and ultimately maybe someone to talk about Rs or M with again.

But if you go to plan B, you shouldn't have to worry about that hypothetical question she might ask, because you wouldn't be answering it anyway, right? Let her ask it of herself, if she really wants to know the answer... ...over and over again!

Believe me, your W is attached to you. She may need to "work this into" something like a friendship, which is one possible outcome of this sitch. Then, if you get DV'd, it would certainly be nice to do so amicably. That way, if/when her A sours, she will know you will want to continue to have some kind of R with her.

If she becomes "aggressive" re DV, let her. It will make her think, at the very least. The key point of the transition to plan B - a "proper" plan B letter - will be to leave her with nothing but the best possible impression of you. Let her try to be "agressive" with that memory!

Good luck, ALS,
-Qfwfq

ALS,

Just got home but I'll be back to you later. In the meantime your assessment of the Plan B is right on. I don't think it is a good idea right now. However you only know for sure. Seems good that she is getting more comfortable every time she sees you.

About the not coming home thing yet, remember that she probably signed a lease and that may take time. Also pride comes in. She doesn't want to admit to much right now and if she were to come home she would see herself as not only one who cheated but one who failed at living on thier own. You're doing great from what I have seen.

Maybe next time you see her the two of you can go out and go to a place that niether of you have been to. A new resturaunt or pub. Maybe a just a drive in the country or something. Try and think of something with a new setting and see how she responds. Get out of your place, where she probably has some very bad memories. Get to neutral ground.

Anyway got to go for now. Got dinner to cook.

Ah, there's some more of my peeps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Qfwfq - I agree with you there, for sure. I'm not to Plan B yet. It's in the future, I can see it up there on the long road ahead, but I'm not there yet. Do I feel it might come to that? Possibly. Right now, I'm looking for baby steps forward. I'm getting a bit of that now. Contact is becoming more regular, or at least, it has been. Her bringing the cat all the way over here to the house was a step forward too. And things she is saying also indicate that we are getting along better, and she feels more open towards me.

However, I am also being careful, as I realize the fog is still with her, and she could immediately slip back into NCing me for a couple weeks, or something similar. If that continues to be the pattern, that's when Plan B will come into play for sure. And I'll have a basis for it, too. Strong, good contact when it exists, but the Plan B letter will need to signify that it's becoming to hard to see her sometimes and then to just have her go away for weeks at a time. I just need a good Plan B letter if that day comes, which I know I'll ask for help with here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I guess it would be hard for her to get a no-fault divorce without me talking to her about it, so she'd either have to wait or file on her own. I think she might find Plan B a bit childish, heck, I sort of find it childish as well really -- So it's something I'd go into very carefully. I am glad to hear you think that my W is attached to me though. I hope this is true. We were very close when things were good, I find it hard to believe she could just let me go out of her life forever. I do think she'd want me somehow in her life, though if it's only as a friend, that's something I'll need to deal with when that time comes.

Mark!!! Good to hear from ya man. I see you are doing great over in your thread, congrats on your W asking about going to C. HUGE step forward man, HUGE. You are rockin'.

You make a great point about pride there and I do believe that's a big factor in coming home. My W is doing well on her own and I can see that. I can see that she can support herself if she wants to, and she can make it. But her pride is something she will need to get over herself, and I know that her saying she might want to come home is swallowing a LOT of pride. I wish she'd know how okay I'd be with that, but I think it is sort of a demoralizing thing for her to have to consider. She would consider herself a failure or a loser. I wish she could rationalize that the biggest victory and the BEST thing for her would be to try and work on the M that she committed to. At least give it a try. I'd have so much respect for that.

As for getting together, it's been a tough one -- I have asked her SO many times to get together somewhere outside of the house. She always turns me down. Whether it be for a drive, a movie, lunch, dinner, coffee, whatever...She doesn't want to see me outside of the house. I think in her rationalization, it's a date if we get together somewhere else, and then she is "cheating" on OM. Crazy huh? That's just a guess though. I also feel she might be afraid of running into him if we were out somewhere together. I have a feeling that OM doesn't know the extent of our communication -- I think to him, she has still made me out to be the horrible, uncaring husband who doesn't want her anymore.

But yeah, wow, how I'd love to go somewhere with her, just some neutral ground, to spend some time and talk. It's funny, we went to dinner so many times when we were together, I took it for granted! Now I'd just love the chance to sit down out somewhere and talk and have a meal with her again. Or even a cup of cocoa.

ALS

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: sadinaz ]</small>